Urban Poly Princess

I am waiting for my rice to finish cooking. I didn't think it would take so long! It's after 3am but I got up late this morning. I'm going to set my alarm for 9:30am. I tried to think about questions and direction I need but I really don't have any. I feel like I know what I need to do already.
1. What do I need to do now to prepare myself to be the best wife and mother?
2. Who is prepared now to hear more about the Savior and his church?
3. What is the most important thing right now that I can do to please my Father in Heaven?

I've never done the question thing before although I've heard we can and should do it. I've always felt I have the tools to receive guidance on anything without having to specifically wait for conference. Conference gives us direction on what will best help us for the next 6 months. There are always many things we need to improve. I've always viewed conference as a way to streamline that and prioritize that although I don't usually think I'm going to gain anything new. Repetition focuses us automatically on what we need. It's why temple attendance helps us remember our purpose and renew our commitment to achieving that.
I get how identifying what we need instruction on will focus what we listen for. When I was on a mission it felt like everything they talked about was missionary-related. If we focus by writing down what we specifically hope to receive answers for it completely makes sense that I'll notice those things. So I'm going to do that tomorrow and Sunday. Actually I'm going to do that tonight and then listen for those specific things tomorrow and Sunday.
I know what my future holds and I can't deny that. It actually puts everything into perspective for me. It just isn't unfolding the way I think it would or should. I've tried to rationalize what I know away BUT I know what I do and I get to deal with that however that manifests itself or doesn't. I don't get why I have to deal with all this other stuff. To me what I know matters more than anything else.
The whys to things I don't understand aren't really important. What is important is what actually happens, what I know and how I respond to that. I do know for sure I can't just ignore this or avoid this. That's easy for me to do BUT I know no one's perfect. I'm certainly not so I'm not sure why I keep expecting or hoping other people are or at least behave the way I think they should. We aren't meant to have perfect understanding. None of us would progress that way. I know I don't know everything and I know I'm not right all the time. I just think I am. I don't know why I think that but I do-STILL I've been wrong many times before and I've assumed things and jumped to conclusions frequently. I need to remind myself of that more. I know when I cop an attitude and I know that is just silly to dwell on what I might consider unacceptable.
What was bothering me for a long time has changed and that is good because I couldn't handle it anymore and I had to avoid ANY and ALL of those situations. If it didn't change I'd have to change a number of things just to stay active in my ward. I was going to do that but I didn't have to make those changes because those situations disappeared. Helene dragged me to Sunday school. She has no idea I wasn't going back to that class but I'm glad I did because the teacher is really good and I don't have anything I have to avoid there now. No one did anything wrong, it's just something I couldn't take anymore.

I looove Thursdays because I don't work on Fridays.
I learned a little more about the late king and his successor. Tupou V named his little brother crown prince in 2006. He has had time to prepare for his role as King today. Media reports are inconsistent with pertinent facts. It's annoying!!! The number of pallbearers was repeatedly named as 1000 while other stories list it at 150. I think that's more accurate. I haven't been in Tonga forever sooo maybe Tupou V was the beloved Monarch everyone seems to be trying to make him into. I just didn't have a good impression of him.
George's first job after he graduated was for this insurance company in Honolulu called John Mullen. He did all their computer stuff although I don't really know what that means. That was a looong time ago and I think he only made under 30,000 a year then. The current King Tupou VI, then a prince and NOT the crown prince, visited him with some old Tongan man who "spoke" for the prince-since the prince wasn't supposed to speak to commoners-tried to tell George what the prince needed. The prince just spoke directly to George as the old Tongan man's English was pretty bad and the prince spoke perfect English. He told George he just needed some RAM so George told him where the nearest store was for him to get some. It's a funny story and it's neat that he met the current king that way. George could care less.
He is voting for Obama again. He is a registered Republican BUT he told me he had to vote for Obama last time since he's from Hawaii. Now he just doesn't like any of the Republican candidates. I called him a traitor but that did nothing. He doesn't like Mitt. He thinks he doesn't have confidence. I talked about Jack Welch's endorsement and what he said about Romney and he doesn't like Welch either. He said Welch was a harsh businessman who may have been successful but didn't care about eliminating employees. I don't know what's wrong with my brother!!! My assistant is voting for Obama too.
Thankfully I live in Utah AND I know that Romney will get ALL our electoral votes SOOO George AND Judy's votes will just be wasted anyway. I know Utah will vote for Romney for silly reasons too but that's just fine with me!!!

I could tell my friend Chris was uncomfortable about visiting my apartment to fix my Desktop sound sooo I unplugged everything on my tower and lugged it to work. He tested it and it worked fine. Sooo I told him there must be something wrong with the speakers I just bought. I got my speakers for him to test AND there's a power button on the back of one of them. Dale and Chris could not stop laughing at me. Charity called it my blonde moment.
Sooo I was without sound because I didn't notice a power button!!! Now it's fine and I'll be able to watch conference on my desktop instead of my laptop although I can lay in bed with my laptop. I love my culture and have enjoyed watching all the events surrounding the king's funeral BUT-conference weekend in particular has been celebration time and reunion time for my Tongan community.
I used to live 2 blocks from the conference center. I served a church service mission there after I met the man in charge of that at my friend's wedding reception. She was a service missionary there and she introduced me to him. I told him how I thought it was great that my friend did that and then he said why don't you do that too? I couldn't think of a reason for him so I gave tours at the conference center every Thursday night for 3 years.
Since guides were familiar with the Center and the ushers were in demand at conference we were always asked to do this too. We had to be there at 6am and as soon as we got the congregation seated we were to go and eat lunch during the talks that were played on huge screens in the Church Office Building cafeteria. By the time we finished eating it was time to return to our assigned post and help people exit the building.
On Saturdays we ate dinner too before priesthood session but on Sundays we just went home and made our own meals that night. Ushering never allowed me to listen to the talks the way I wanted and it always required a little more effort to read or watch these later online. Ironically the years I ushered for conference were the years I didn't get as much from the sessions.
I loooved being a guide. Sometimes I didn't feel like going there but once I was there and had a group of people and started a tour it was incredible. People in Utah are so blessed to have those types of opportunities. It was so neat to share my testimony all the time although we didn't do it the typical way. We were not allowed to share our testimony the way people usually do but we could make simple declarative statements that to me are actually more powerful.
One of my favorite things about the conference center is all the artwork is original. The Arnold Frieberg gallery holds ALL the Book of Mormon paintings while original works by Minerva Teichert and Walter Rane are all over the place too. I looove art. I wish I took even one art history course. Renoir is my absolute favorite but I also like some contemporary artists and other old masters from diverse styles like Van Gough and my friend got me to like Picasso too. I looove the Honolulu Art Gallery. For some reason I thought Utah would have better galleries and museums but I have been sadly disappointed. The U's art museum and even BYU's don't compare AND NOT just by a little bit, by A LOT!!! I think I need to explore California's museums next. I know there are MANY there. I'm not sure where to start.

I watched part of the funeral streaming live and I enjoyed looking at all the pictures posted. I was struck with how beautiful it is and how much I love the tradition and culture I was blessed with. I can't help thinking about a bunch of other things too though-ALL IS NOT ROSY IN THE KINGDOM!!!.
When I lived in Tonga Tupou the IV reigned and for me he is who I think of when I think of the Tongan King. The crown prince was synonymous with scandal. He was a womanizer AND my dad actually saw him with several YOUNG pretty Tongan girls once on a flight to Hawaii from Tonga. His exploits were many as were his victims. I have a few gay Tongan friends however who ALL maintain his later preference for men. It doesn't help that he never married or enjoyed flamboyant clothes and all the foreign trappings his position gave him.
People keep praising him for moving Tonga toward democracy but I think the riots including fires destroying several key buildings downtown were more responsible for that. His coronation had to be postponed because of the political upheaval. Despite that he STILL spent 1.2 million on his coronation-something the impoverished nation can NOT afford. I'm glad everyone wants to remember the best of him BUT I think ignoring the choices he made is silly. I admit to loving all the pageantry-the pomp and circumstance surrounding his funeral is a treat BUT-at what cost does this come? I am glad the new king-his younger brother Tupou the VI cut the mourning period from 3 months to 5 days.
This brother was never expected to reign. He is the youngest son. He is married with 3 children. I think he's been spared many of the weaknesses the late king had simply because he was never treated like one day he would be king. I hope I'm right about him and that he leads Tonga the way it needs to be led. I've never heard of him involved in any questionable schemes. Whatever happens it'll be interesting to watch.
I made myself go to fhe tonight. Avoidance has always been my solution but I know it's not a good one. Good lesson on general conference. I am excited to watch it and I love conference. I heard someone say once that EVERY challenge and question we have is answered in conference and that we can find the solution to ALL our problems there. I would've shared that tonight I just don't know who said it but I know it's true. I love that my friend reads his scriptures in the morning AND right before he sleeps 2. It's because he does these things that I trust the decisions he makes.
So REALLY I don't have any problem with him. OK-the bathroom humor???!!! I think that is a guy thing that I detest. My brother is the same way and Sam and Bro. Kitchens kept trying to go there too. NOT uplifting BUT NOT neutral either although they might beg to differ. I REALLY don't think it is-Player men know somehow NOT to go there BUT they seem to know a lot about being smooth. Unfortunately players are all about style over substance. Can I just have someone with both? Is style AND substance too much to ask?
I've always wanted to be gorgeous AND spiritual, confident AND humble, brilliant AND fun!!!. I don't think we need to sacrifice any of our positive traits. It is why I love Marianne Williamson's quote in A Return to Love-By being fabulous we make manifest the glory of God. We need to let our light shine!!!-I aim to defy that stupid stereotype that is probably just in my head that U have to be homely to be spiritual or an idiot not to intimidate your husband. That good LDS women bake great bread and sit around doing crafts all day.
There are a lot of things I need to complete BUT I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel good about the challenges. Stepping stones NOT stumbling blocks!!! My friend seems to have a lot on his plate. He's doing what he's supposed to do. I know he'll be fine. I know he knows that too.
He asked someone on a date last night. Meeting someone I want to spend time with at all isn't easy for me. I think I get along well with lots of people and really I do BUT as far as wanting more with anyone-that doesn't happen until I get to know them better-of course I have to want to get to know them better in the first place and that doesn't happen too often for me either.
Even when I do like everything, somehow if I get the feeling they're not for me that'll be it. I don't need anything else-and that-is Y I'm still single!!!-My friend is right-all the things pulling me in different directions are NOT equally important. I went to fhe BECAUSE I know this BUT there R other things I can do-First I need to end my cluelessness!!!-I know how to pray, I know how answers come, I know how to feel and recognize the spirit. Why do I keep trying to make things more difficult? I may not have a clue, BUT I've known how to get one for a looong time.

I'm wearing my sandals so I REALLY don't like the rain!!! I WAS going to deliver my invites in the North today but the week is supposed to be gorgeous starting tomorrow-sooo-delivery will begin again tomorrow. One more day and all the public librarians will be done. I guess I can figure out special librarians today.
I suppose I COULD go home and change my footwear AND snag a raincoat AND umbrella AND I'm hungry AND I have some oreos at home. I have about half an hour before the students go on break and I like to be here when they do that unless I need to leave more. Time for me to leave.

I feel great because I took my Navajo friends from school to a missionary fireside at the Tabernacle. I fed them dinner too. Lakeesha wanted musubi so I made a bunch and it looked like there wasn't very much so I made some shrimp noodle stir-fry too. Taylor REALLY liked the musubi. He ate several and then he asked for the rest. I kept one. I'm glad he liked them.
It's nice to get to know people better. I'm glad they came over and I had fun with them.
Jonni convinced me to go visiting teaching between sessions AND it's actually a great way for me to boycott the conference weekend parties. Sooo I'll stay in Logan another weekend.
I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do BUT I don't know anymore. I don't want my friend being unhappy BUT I'm not going to sit there and chip away at myself either. I'm going to turn into a bitter B. Why can't this just be clear? I don't like being in limbo. I want to either have a great relationship OR get the L over it. I don't want to hope for something that's never going to happen. I don't want to be some deluded idiot that never moves on. I don't like being stuck on the fence like how I feel now. I just want to be on a side.
Still, there is sooo much for me to be grateful for. It's easy to ignore what I really need to confront and work at because so many things need my attention. I guess I need to think about how I can best progress and what I absolutely need to do to bring this to pass.
I answered myself. I know what needs my attention right now. Enough running away.