Urban Poly Princess

My mother is driving me crazy. I don't like the food we got and I'm trying to take dim sum with me but she doesn't want that. She wants us to pick up more food from somewhere in Provo. NOOO!!! She already had her chance and I don't like what she did so far.

OR rather no to me. I wish I knew what I keep doing wrong and why I NEVER seem to get hired. Cue crying for free. I just want to do nothing and just kill me now. I have no desire to keep trying. I am sick of this. I don't want to keep trying and looking and applying. I wish I had the chance to do that. I was getting excited about FINALLY getting to work. What the hell is the deal?

Maybe I'm just stupid. I can't feel down and bad for long. It's alright. I don't know when or where but overall it's alright and I feel alright. So where the hell am I supposed to work? Where am I going to get a job and what do I do part time so I can do real estate since none of these other jobs are contacting me?

This went well and I REALLY hope I get it because it would be perfect for me to work in Real Estate. They confirmed for me it would be between 16 and 20 hours a week and just 2 days a week. A benefit also is free UTA passes ALL the time. I would looove that.

Mom and I are taking Chinese food to see Nata off early tomorrow. I'm so excited for her. We need to finalize a menu today/tonight.

We played a card game - The Big Dalmuti. It is amazing how many board/card games exist. While it was fun I still haven't played a card game with anyone white who starts cheating. That is part of the fun of the games I've played in the past. Also I was such a card game player with my brother. The British version of gin rummy is played a lot in Tonga and thus we also played it a whole lot only it was called 500 and the object of the game was whoever reached 500 first.

I also remember playing monopoly with the neighbors who came over and played with us and the game sometimes went on the entire night. We played Risk like that with Ian and Eric in Tonga. I don't know why white fun is different but it is. Much more mellow. Lulu wants to plan a trip together. I told her we can do that but that we need to get married more. Her last relationship was with someone in the Parley's ward who has aged out and attends his family ward. She went to Hawaii partly to get over that relationship she said ended badly. She took him macadamia nut chocolates.

Lulu told me she knows the men in the Midsingles scene and they don't want Poly girls like us. It makes me sad she is so jaded because she has been my example of what I should be doing and how I should be living my life socially. I kept attending the Tongan Singles wards which were fine but I think I should have attended the white wards a long time ago. I wouldn't even consider dating someone white then. Developing the relationships I did in Logan helped me realize I usually have more in common with white members even if there are things that grate on me. They don't love or respect their families the way I want them to do that. Curtis is the rare exception rather than the rule.

There are more intelligent and educated white men. The intelligent Poly boys tend to also be spiritually weak. I saw Steve last night at FHE. He knows how to dress well. I do like that. I love that he actively strives to live his life well and in harmony with the spirit. He is attractive too. I just wish he was taller although I'm sure he's shorter than me. Lulu knows several people in my ward and she even has a roommate from BYU-Hawaii there.

I took Lulu to FHE with me. She went to Parley's ward for a long time... over 10 years AND although she loved it she was telling me some things. She was saying how mousy men - the bulk of the LDS men in the Midsingles wards or rather ANY Singles wards, YSA wards included, want petite blond women. There's nothing wrong with that I suppose. I want someone hot who dresses well and is secure mentally, emotionally, spiritually AND is also kind and brilliant. I know there is a lot of truth to what she said because when I don't wear make up and wear my glasses OR look like and feel like a dog, the white men come out of the woodwork to flirt with me BUUUT that's not who I am at all. Why is that such a huge deal. I'm not going to change who I am to find my husband. Can't I just find someone who likes the way I look, that wants me to wear makeup and dress up if I want to do that. Why is that such a turnoff or on. I have to admit I love a man that knows how to dress.

It's a little like when Steve told me at FHE at Mike's house that he really liked Pacific Islanders. He also always wants to know what I liked more, living in Tonga or Hawaii or here. I know I'm Polynesian, I'm not from Mars. When people are too into my ethnicity I don't really like that because it seems like they are interested in a character, a caricature, NOT the real me. I u someone who wants me and is interested in me NOOOT just some exotic unusual thing. I'm not a novelty

EMZ started with taking the huge layer of snow off my car. I was worried about the parking lot at the chapel but it wasn't a problem. I have my UTA interview tomorrow. I hope it goes well and that I get this job. It pays well and it's part time which is perfect for what I want to do in real estate.I wish I knew what the part time hours were exactly.

Lulu texted me she saw her X last night and now they're going out soon. She told me she's vale mo'oni. I told her she never knows and to have fun. I'm so sick of job-hunting and being Ms. Perky Positive when I feel anything but that.

I read Curtis' blog when only his job kept him from feeling like a total failure. I feel the total failure thing so acutely. I feel fine spiritually. I am doing what I should and I am trying to be open to guys in general in my ward. I know I have the best chance of meeting someone I can build a life with there so I concentrate my efforts there.

I know what I want and it is difficult for me not to try to get a school librarian job when I keep seeing them.

What the hell is wrong with thiscomputer!!!