Urban Poly Princess

Now to eat well again. I have everything I need. My mother found an electric shopping wheelchair for me at Costco that worked well but was weird for me. I didn't put any make up on and I wasn't planning on looking at people. My plan was for my mother to shop for me. That is what happened at Walmart and she got me a slice of chocolate cake from that Mexican grocery store where Albertson's used to be.

It is weird to see all the EMZ posts right now. I wish I were in this as well instead of on the outside looking in. I can't even walk enough to grocery shop. I do walk enough to get to church however. I need to get over that I'll be hobbling.

I can't believe this. My mother isn't feeling well enough to go to the store. I need avocados and zucchini, squash, SOMETHING I can eat on my nutritarian diet. All of a sudden she's too sick to go to the store for me. I was so ticked off I went driving around Rose Park trying to figure out a drive-through I wouldn't mind eating at but when you've been eating healthy fast food doesn't sound or taste good. I finally settled on Burger King and they had me pull around front where I waited over 10 minutes. So much for fast food. Now I feel bloated and gross. I want my vegetables I can prepare myself.

I just tried to get my mother to agree to go with me tonight. She said she's feeling better right now. I HOPE to hell she does because if not I'm going to go shuffling around soon.

Yesterday I cooked something which was good to move on my leg because now my recovery is in the strengthening mode. BUUUT I still limp because I don't have complete mobility on my left leg. It reminds me of my recovery when I broke my leg. It seemed like it took forever and then one day it wasn't there bothering me anymore.

I can't believe everything I went through and am going through right now. I can walk for short distances but I still don't feel like I can go to Costco and pick up a few things. We will just have to see how this goes.

I don't care about getting to know anyone better right now. Ultimately and in my head I want that but the effort is painful to me even if it isn't particularly difficult. It is the one area of my life I have never conquered. While I keep applying for different jobs I am interested in doing real estate most. I feel like I was meant to get my license but I've never had the chance to do anything about that despite this.

I felt so good about my fitness level and being so consistent with Zumba. This was such a random incident. I still love Zumba and I can't wait to do it again but I'm going to take the time I need to recover completely too. My physical and spiritual health were the 2 areas I felt REALLY good about. Although I haven't lost the weight I want to lose, I did Zumba M-F every morning at 5:30am and I've embraced a nutritarian diet. I love this style of eating. I just REALLY need to go to the store however. I don't have any almonds to snack on now or the fruit I want.

Of course Shem's statement did not go unnoticed and he has a bunch of friends complimenting him for attending mass. He revealed he is attending 3-5 times a month. I wonder if he has an active temple recommend. I'm sure Mass is beautiful HOWEVER why would you want just part of what you could enjoy? Every church has portions of the truth and beauty. He told his friend he is 20% Catholic now. Wow! Nuns are great so are pastors from every denomination. They actively spread good will that sure as hell doesn't mean I'm going to sign up for anything else. AND this is why I never sensed anything spiritual about him.

I saw a picture of my friend Curtis at FHE in Logan. He looks amazing of course but he also looks really happy. I am glad he is attending and associating with good people. It's good for him to meet more people in the ward. I want him to start dating one of the Fridal twins because they are amazing and I want him with someone as great as he is - that is what he deserves. Whoever he ends up with will be one of the luckiest girls period. Even if he didn't look like a model I'd feel that way. That is just the icing.

My friend Shem posted something on Facebook about going to Mass and being confused at the empty parking lot until he remembered right, the Superbowl. Why does an RM feel the need to attend Mass. I don't get why someone as intelligent as him can be so stupid. You spend your time doing what you value. Why do people get disenchanted with the church. My librarian friend Joseph is an amazing friend, father and husband. How did he fall away like that?

One thing I really appreciate about meeting my friend Curtis is how he shattered all of my stereotypes of Logan. He's not even from Logan, he's from a surrounding small town. He grew up on a dairy farm. He didn't go to graduate school or college. Despite that he is intelligent, gorgeous and dresses extremely well. He is close to his family and continues to spend time with them. He has a strong testimony of our Savior and he seeks the direction of the scriptures and the spirit. He is responsible too. He owns his own home and is actively trying to find his wife. He is kind to a variety of people.

It used to be so important to me to find someone who finished graduate school. If I found someone like Curtis around here I wouldn't care. He is far from stupid. The only reason why I went out of my way to became his friend is because he looks like he walked out of GQ. I was pleasantly surprised to find out he is also intelligent, responsible AND spiritual.

Mike is brilliant but I have no sense of his spiritual state. I've never seen him at a temple session. Steve is still the best I've met so far despite being shorter than I want him to be and not attending graduate school. I feel like there are many more people I need to meet but I think right now Steve is the only one I should try to get to know better. That moment when we were doing sealings however still haunts me. I really wanted to feel something with him but I felt nothing at all. I should have faith that I will meet someone else that I will feel that with. Does that really matter?

The spirit was sooo strong with annoying and despite my repeated attempts it never worked that didn't make sense and sooo intense against Rich. Do I wait until I get that again? What if it never happens. Can't I just get to know Steve better. Will I feel something if I just keep spending time with him? I felt something for Colton after I spent a lot of time with him. Colton always was wrong for me and I thought it would be fine to spend time with him because I never wanted what he was. I do want what Steve is and I know the things I don't want aren't important. I like that he owns his own home, has a good job, and I love his church activity. I like that he attends FHE and the temple. I enjoy his company too. Can't those feelings be fostered and grow in me? Steve is clearly apostle material. Why do I keep hesitating. Is is just my own personal problem? The only thing I don't like about his way of thinking is he seems to have a very romanticized idea of Polynesians. There is no harm in finding out.

I've missed so much church thanks to this calf strain. So now I've come to this Steve conclusion. Will he even be single now that I think I know what I want?

I'm trying to stick with my nutritarian diet but it is difficult when my mother is trying to cut things out even more. I told her I wanted an apple and she was trying to get me to ration this. I wanted to kill her. Yesterday I ate my steel cut oats, a salad, avocado and 2 small bowls of the coconut Thai soup I love but she got the wrong brand of coconut milk so it didn't taste right. I had some grapes in the morning. I told her I need 3 fruits a day and although she gave me a banana she didn't want to give me my apple. It is tough to stay on this nutritarian diet if she doesn't feed me.

I had beans with my salad which is what I needed anyway. The nutritarian diet includes lots of fresh vegetables a day, 1 cup of beans, cooked vegetables and then 3 servings of different fruit. I can snack on almonds or other nuts. I wasn't hungry after eating my apple but it is BECAUSE of actually eating that I haven't been hungry on this program.

I cannot believe her. I feel so bad for calling her a B that one day but it is so frustrating to have to rely on her to get me EVERYTHING.

My leg is still out of commission. It is sooo nice my patch was applied to the right area and I experienced nooo pain last night. I got up around 4 am and it's been tough not to take this thing off but I finally did. Hallelujah!!! My leg feels better already. I am not going to church however or FHE yet. I will try next week.

I've been watching television. Last year I attended a Superbowl party thrown by a lady who was also an ordinance worker with me at the Logan temple. It was fun. She had her sons there and she was trying to throw us together and then I talked to the sole other single sister and she did the same thing only worse. One of the guys in my old Logan ward invited me to a Superbowl party this year. I love the parties and while I hope the Seahawks win I don't really care to watch the game. I'm just all about the party.

I wonder who my home teachers are. Spencer told me I have them. They just haven't bothered to speak to me AT ALL.

It is February 1st. I have 2 more treatments left. I will look up and begin stretching exercises. I am going to keep applying and run out my unemployment. I don't really care if I haven't found a job yet. On one hand it drives me crazy but I wouldn't have been able to recover this way if I was employed. I definitely wouldn't have been able to leave a job anyway. I think I have 5 weeks left. I am going to pay my attorney and change my bankruptcy to a chapter 7. I can't believe I'm having to do this again but without a job and no way of knowing when this will occur I don't have a choice.

I know I can get just a job through a temp agency fairly quickly but I'm not willing to go that way yet.