Urban Poly Princess

I'm grateful that I can write and get all this annoyance out. Last night at fhe David made a stupid comment about texting me about the next fhe if I was so desperate for a text from him. He also went out of his way to tell Mindi he'd give her a ride home since he lives near her. I'm thinking yeah right you said U live right down the street from Michelle at her potluck. Sooo it finally hits me tonight he's going out of his way to hide his address from me because he's afraid I'll start stalking him. Oh hell no!!! That's why we always have fhe at Mindi's house and why when I wanted to cook him dinner he didn't want to do it at his house. The REAL reason. I just looked at his address from the app Ryan put on my phone that let's U look up any member of your ward's house and he DOES NOT live near Mindi-really just give Mindi a damn ride home AND stop lying. Wow! I wonder what else I'll figure out. I think I definitely know him well enough now.

So after feeling calm yesterday and then like crap today-First I was really sad that someone so great doesn't want me in their life. Then I started thinking about exactly what happened and how not so great he really is to cop an attitude with me without letting me know what's going on. He discussed my failing-whatever it may have been with his friend AND he made sure I knew he did that. Then he is flat-out rude when I'm just trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He has a mean side that is ugly despite his pretty face.
The Pharisees were the religious dedicated men. They lacked compassion and charity. That scripture in 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind. You can have all sorts of riches and blessings-intelligence even, but without charity you are as tinkling brass. Simply being kind to people may seem small and insignificant with the richness, simplicity, and simultaneous complexity of the gospel but it is actually a huge deal and what really matters.

I kept wondering why I was so calm about everything last night. Today I feel like crap and I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened. I'm pretty clueless and I wish I knew what I did wrong. Saturday was great, at least to me. Sunday my friend did his usual sprint out of the chapel. Avoidance + rejection = not happy me-BUT I got to avoid dealing with it since Helene texted me about her lesson-sooo-later-our combined meeting and he makes a point NOT to sit near me. So I'm trying VERY HARD to be zen AND magnify my calling by talking to the world to get them to sign up for the stake blood drive. I see him at linger longer flanked by girls of course and then a couple go over to talk to him. I talk to him and his female fans when I'm signing people up for the blood drive but he has an attitude. I try to call him later that night and not only does he still have the attitude x 10 but he tells me he's with a "friend" and he'll talk to me at fhe.
Fhe I'm hoping to talk to him when it's done but he deliberately leaves quickly to avoid talking to me. I don't miss the snide remark he makes about me to his "friend" either. I call him later that night and he asks with his attitude to the 10th power what I want. I try to make plans to spend time with him and he shoots me down but at this point I'm just ticked so I ask him if he wants to spend time with me and he tells me he doesn't know what I'm doing-that he just makes time to date and he doesn't want to date me. I tell him that's alright and I'm trying to preserve any semblence of friendship between us and I'm telling him how nice he's been but all he wants to do is hang up.
This just SUCKS!!! This seems like a recent development and I wish I knew what the hell was going on but I don't. I'm not going to force him to talk to me but I just wish he would let me know what's going on.

I went to FHE tonight and it was fun although my friend was distant and flirting completely with this other girl that likes him. He looked happy and I want him to be happy. What I learned from him is that good men do still exist and that I shouldn't ever consider lowering my standards for that at all. When I got home my friend Elenoa was just pulling up. She brought me some cupcakes.
I texted my friend so see if he was with anyone so I could talk to him. He asked me what I meant. I'm really NOT interested in whether he's dating someone else or likes someone else. I suspect enough and that's none of my business. What I AM interested in is if he'll spend time with me. I don't have money to take him anywhere so I can't ask him out and I don't want him spending his money again either. I wanted to study with him and he made all these excuses. I guess I should give him a break because I hate telling people I'm not interested in them-BUT I wanted him to keep it real with me so after pressing him he FINALLY actually told me he didn't want to date me-that's exactly what I wanted him to do. Then he quickly got off the telephone. He probably feels bad but I actually really don't. I had to leave Elenoa and Helene downstairs just to talk to him. I never talk to Helene about him because I think she has a thing for him and I'm not putting her in that situation.
I'm really calm right now and it wasn't hard to hear that. He is spiritually everything I'm looking for and he taught me a lot. I really wish it was different but it's not. I'm not sure why this doesn't bother me more. Probably because I had to do EVERYTHING and he always acted like he couldn't get away from me fast enough. I'm REALLY not used to that role and I don't know what to do but I tried my best.
Helene called and came over too. I love how spiritual they both are. All Elenoa and Helene did was talk about how great the spirit and the gospel are and of how much they love their scriptures. Helene was feeling overwhelmed because she knows she's supposed to be here in Logan and it's why she is remaining here. I was thinking about how blessed I am and of how much I have to be grateful for. The best thing about my friend is that he is a veil worker in the temple. Spiritually he really impresses me and is the first guy to EVER make me wish I was more diligent in everything I know I need to be more consistent with. I've NEVER met anyone more valiant than me in person-male or female. It made me realize how much I need to return to the things I know matter most.
He knows he's here in Logan to get married. I don't know why I'm here and if it's to marry anyone in my ward, I'm alright without that. I'm not attracted to anyone in my ward-spiritually, mentally, or physically. Just my friend BUT yeah that's not happening BUT at least I'm not wasting anymore time feeling guilty because I'm not giving him the attention I think I should.

My friend gave an excellent talk today. I wish I got more sleep last night. He was the last speaker and while the first two speakers were alright my lack of sleep started to catch up with me during the second talk. I was sooo ready for her to end it so I could listen to David. He's a good speaker but he was a little timid up there. He was stronger during fhe. Plus I was extremely tired but I wanted to hear what he had to say. He related the story of the children of Israel receiving manna from heaven and the faith they had to have to negotiate all of that. He reminded us that we still need the bread from heaven or continual blessings from our heavenly father.

He is gorgeous but the damn fan club is hella annoying and I don't have any claim on him at all. I don't want any right now. I'm glad our friendship has been able to develop naturally and I don't plan on doing anything to mess that up but REALLY enough!!! I'm in a no-win situation right now. I wish I could magically have all these feelings immediately but it doesn't work that way. I do have enough feelings for him to be jealous but that's not exactly the type of emotion I want to foster anything on. I'm not sure how to get over that. I do want to get closer to him but naturally with time not rushed because I feel like stepping on the female flies that constantly buzz around him. I don't want to limit him either though. Maybe one of those flies is exactly what he's interested in. I think I'm better but of course I'd think that.

I finished one paper then decided to tackle the other paper based on the monster financial report from L. What I have left to write is how I feel about the stupid financial statements-and I don't really care at all about these but I need to come up with something that sounds reasonable based on this dumb 60-page thing I just need to stop looking at for a minute before I scream. I'm about done-although almost an hour late.
On to better things. I had dinner with my friend. He was a perfect gentleman. He surprised me in a good way. I know he's a good person. I just thought he was a little clueless about that stuff BUT he's not. Regardless he is fun to talk to about nothing really and about everything. He's a temple veil worker. That is extremely impressive. I wish I didn't have all this homework. His schedule sounds as bad as mine is now. He said it'll let up a little in the summer. That's good since I should be done with school then. He's speaking tomorrow. If he brings the spirit like he did last week to FHE it'll be amazing. I didn't want my homework on my mind at all when I spent time with him but I did. I just want to not be distracted so I can focus on getting to know him better but I feel like I still did even if it wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend time with him. Whenever people used to ask me what I was looking for I'd tell them GA material. He's pretty close. Only time will tell but it looks really good right now.

Fridays R an all-day homework day. I can't wait until that's not true anymore. I'm sleepy but I need to finish this thing.

My meetings went great. 4 at the 10am session I threw just to appease my friend. and 12 at the second one that included library directors from Richmond, Hyrum, Logan City, North Logan, 6 librarians from USU, and other librarians from the book mobile in Cache County and others. The second session was filled to capacity which I looove!!! I was very pleased with the turnout. We already have an event planned.
The energy was all there and I can't wait to see this thing come together. I also taught 2 classes at the Logan City Library. I was completely drained. I should have taken a nap after the last meeting and before my night class but there were things that needed to be done that I saw and couldn't just leave there.
The energy at both of the meetings was fantastic!!!

Just finished my homework. It feels great!!! I have a complete absence of guilt because I did make plans with my friend for later this week. I did my homework without feeling like I was sacrificing my social life and/or choosing school over it. I CAN do both AND not feel like I always have to give something up whatever I do or don't do or complete.
Work is great too! Tomorrow is going to be a looong day. I have meetings with information professionals/librarians all over Cache Valley at 10am and then later at 2:30 pm. At 1pm I need to take a class to the Logan City Library and then at 6 I take another class there. Following the 2:30 meeting is time for me to go home and take a nap before the 6pm class. I also get to go to Macy's 2x and get some snacks, ice, and lemons, before each meeting. My PowerPoint is done for the meeting, I need to print out a sign-in sheet. Dale and/or Chris need to help me set up a projector there. I also want to buy a jar for business cards from the dollar store. I'm excited but I also can't wait until tomorrow is done. When I get home I'd like to do some homework because I'd like it all to be done B4 I spend time with my friend. I DO NOT WANT to think about finishing that at all when I spend time with him.

Today I finished handing out invitations ALL over Cache Valley Libraries-I went to Richmond for the first time and visited the Peppridge Farm thrift store where I got 3 bags of cheddar goldfish for $2, a goldfish container, cookies, and french bread!!! I looove my goldfish!!! BUT-I can bake better cookies. The Smithfield Librarian was nice but I don't think she'll show up. The Richmond Librarian was very kind and said she'll be there. I look forward to seeing her there. I felt like I was hiking to the USU library but I got there and dropped off 10 invitations with a reference librarian. I was glad when my parking turned out to be .75-I wanted to get in and out of there quick. North Logan library took 4 invitations and I met the director who said she'll be at the 2:30 meeting. Robyn will be at the 10 am session. She is the assistant director there and in my ward. I dropped off a couple invitations at the Family History Library. My mother would be proud-I agreed to a tour even though I'd been on my feet for 10+ hours. Finally I gave my friend Joseph the last 4 invitations at Logan City Library. In some ways I kind of wish I visited Lewiston and Newton too but I don't think my gas would've liked that. I need to figure out a good snack for them and a good story to illustrate the importance of working together to introduce the idea of an association at the meeting.
I do still want to get to know my friend better. I thought about him a lot today and I know I couldn't sleep that night until I texted him from SLC. Whatever happens or doesn't I need to get to know him. He's spiritual, brilliant, AND gorgeous. Still he has his own opinion which I really like. I didn't think he'd apologize. That's why I was so shocked when he did because he's pretty opinionated and I don't think he ever does anything he doesn't think is right. Our personalities are similar that way because I'm opinionated too but I can admit when I fail to do something I should. I'm glad he has the humility to do that too. Apparently there's a lot I don't know and I need to find out.
I'm not sure why it was so important I return here Sunday. I ended up upset but it makes me wonder if I was supposed to do something else.

My friend apologized which was very nice, but I still can't believe he treated me like that. I really don't think he's mean-spirited, and I know that's what really matters-but I just don't know if I'm willing to deal with that. He wasn't intentionally mean but it still hurt.
The food was great. I have lunch for tomorrow now. I love my friend's testimony. He shared how his dad was an ordinance worker at the Portland temple. It made me miss my dad. He worked in the temple for over 10 years every Saturday morning in Hawaii. The spirit was strong when he shared what he did.
I can be insensitive too and I want people to get past that. I need to get past this. Right now I know I really need to let this go. He's done everything he can and it's on me if I keep holding on to this.

It's good to gain clarity and I see a lot of things clearly now. My friend was sweet to sit with me in sacrament meeting today but then he was extremely rude and I don't even think he even gets how he was rude. I just know it's never happening again and I'm certainly not seeking him out to spend time with him. I did what I thought I was supposed to do but then I saw something I don't want in my life. It's sad to me but I guess that is how you find out. I was very real with him and it makes me upset that he didn't care about that. I got my ice-cream and left because I'm not in the mood to chat with him or any insipid guys right now. I'm going to the Tongan meeting at 5pm and then I'll hit up the fireside at 7pm because I can really use some spiritual strength right now.
Since he's my family home evening leader I'll have to deal with him when and/or if I attend family home evening. Tomorrow is Chinese food so I'm definitely attending that one but at least I won't feel bad missing the rest now if I want to do that.

Last night I had a restless night of NO-sleep-until I did something about what I figured out I needed to do-DON'T do it!!! After I finally did that I could sleep-BUT by then it was the morning already. AVOID this by not prolonging what is easy to procrastinate. Just do it already-sleep is great!!!

I REALLY need to qualify for my Heavenly Father's help right now. I need to quit avoiding things. The pattern I seem to follow is to obsess about things that don't matter and ignore what really makes the difference. I recognize this with my homework but today I realized that affliction has bled to other crucial areas of my life. If only those areas were as easy to fix as completing homework.
I'm REALLY going to try to do what I'm supposed to do-I just wish this were easier!!!

I TRIED but FAILED to get out of driving to SLC tomorrow!!! Such is life. I don't like this rain. GRRR!!! Depending on the weather I'll stay there with my mother until driving looks good. There R a couple people I REALLY DON'T want to see in my ward Sunday but there's also someone I REALLY want to see there too. BUT I'll C him Monday so mayB it'll B good to just stay the L away.
I guess the weather will determine that. Establishing the Cache Valley Library Association was a great idea. The response so far has been amazing. I will enjoy networking with other information professionals in the area. I ended up going with 2 sessions since the Logan City Librarian who has helped me so much since I've been here couldn't make the initial time and he really wants to be there.
This will look great on my resume and establish connections and relationships throughout the valley. It is also fantastic for Stevens-Henager College to host members from the community. It would be great to find some recognition at ULA this year. I think I'm going to get Mr. Murdock our graphic arts instructor to figure out some logos I can present at our first meeting and use in my invitations.

Better day-I don't feel so frazzled. After work I had the counselor to the stake president give me my 2nd interview to renew my recommend. My old recommend didn't expire until the end of February but I didn't know how long it would take to see the stake. Following my interview I learned why it is a VERY bad idea to wear high-heeled boots in slushy weather. I almost fell flat on my face several times just trying to walk down the incline of the entrance to the stake center. One of the young men saw me struggling and came to my rescue -he walked me all the way to my car. His friend joined him on my other side. Sweet boys who prevented me having to clean stuff if I fell.
I may not drive to SLC after all. I'm going to explore alternatives.

I woke up at 7am which is plenty of time for me to get ready and go to work BUT I decided to sleep a little bit more-MISTAKE!!! Anyway what I got out of today? I've been thinking all day about the crappy start I had today and yesterday was too much for me-I think I went insane!!!-I began to wonder what I had to give-I could go back to absolutely no life outside of work and school ORRR I can keep going WITH BALANCE-finish school in 3 months and not have to worry about it again. I'm trying to B more social BUT once again I give some idiot the wrong idea. People must have the stupid idea that I'm just shy -L NO I'm NOT SHY and if I have any interest whatsoever in getting to know U better I will tell U that AND take steps to do that.
If I think U R interested in me and I don't feel the same way I will completely ignore and avoid U so get a damn clue!!!
I want the chance to be able to find out if I'm interested in someone naturally. This takes time. I can tell if I'm not interested right away however. I feel like I don't have time to find out. That is supposed to be the priority. I'm not sure what I have to change BUT yesterday was SOOO NOOOT WORKING!!! My Dynamics of the organization teacher gave me an I AND is letting me turn in work late. I feel like this is supposed to make me NOT dwell on school too much. Its OK not to ace my remaining classes.

I've been trying to "balance" my life by attending church stuff. I worked until 6pm. When I got home my Visiting teachers were there in less than 5 minutes and gave me a lesson. When they were done I went to FHE. What was supposed to B a nice break for me I couldn't really enjoy because I kept thinking about how I needed to return to writing a paper that I'm turning in late already. I just felt like I didn't have a moment to breathe the entire day. THEN I start thinking of these dumb rhymes AND it won't quit. I know that's my way of avoiding stuff to get obsessive about stupid things that don't matter. Saturday I HAD to clean EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING. It's like part of me doesn't want to turn my papers in, doesn't want to write them which is odd because I love writing probably more than almost anything else in the world. I'm done-it's just going in late tomorrow. MLK day which should remind me to be grateful. BUT it doesn't I'm tired. Being psychotic is exhausting.

I went to bed at around 5am AFTER eating Taco soup and playing games at Jonni's house. It was nice. Maragret Oak is hilarious. She was killing me last night. She could've made me cry I was laughing so hard. It was a ladies game night and it was fun to spend some time with some of the women from my ward which is why I went even when I probably shouldn't have. I'm STILL working on pounding out these papers. I just felt it was more important for me to spend time with my ward members since I've never really done that before. The games are fun it just reminds me of Christmas and my cousin who'd always play games and helped me to enjoy them too. For some reason I associate board games with Christmas. Before my brother and I could drive we'd have these looong monopoly marathon games with some of the neighbors too. Once we drove the games went away. My cousin's house full of students where she lived when she attended BYU-Hawaii did games every Sunday but they were games that involved the entire house and groups of maybe 20. I guess Tina Moleni's house in SLC did games on Sundays too. I went exactly once and didn't enjoy the dynamic going on there. My ward now has a VERY strong game affinity. It's just kind of weird. I guess I've always done the let's see a movie, concert, show OR go dancing. I've never gathered for games before. It's fun but definitely NOT what I thought I'd be doing with my extra time. I got a text from one of my visiting teachers about game night at her house Friday. This crowd I'm sure will be different too. One definite plus is it doesn't cost any money. I just REALLY miss dancing with GOOD music. I don't expect I'll be doing that anytime soon unless I throw my own dance and hire my own DJ. Country-dancing is very popular here and I did buy my cowboy hat just so I can wear it somewhere here and take pictures. I could probably do it for a night but I hate country music and I might seriously die if listen to more than a couple songs.

No, I decided NOT to go and attack my homework instead but then my friend stopped by because she couldn't find the dance so I tried to find someone who could tell us how to get there. It was at a chapel near ICON. The dance was full with a good turn out. YES I went with my friend but I kept telling her I needed to get back to my homework. So she FINALLY takes me home-it's 11:30 and my ebook keeps timing out which is getting the L on my nerves. I go to get some caffeine at Maverick in the form of my poison Diet Dr. Pepper and my freakin car doors are messed up. I can't even get the key in them to turn them properly. Some idiot has tried to break in to my car parked in front of my apartment, yeah that makes me feel safe. My ebook won't go to the page I need AGAIN so I am venting here!!! Who the L tries to break into a Ford Taurus? I wish I could slam the person who did that. I am watching every damn penny right now and that is sooo NOT what the L I need now!!!

My dad's first cousin's wife came to see me at work yesterday just to invite me to a Tongan dance 2nite. I'm REALLY not into Tongan dance music but the Pauni students at Stevens-Henager said a DJ who is actually good will be providing the music. There's supposed to be food too and they invited the Layton Tongan branch.
I have homework I need to start working on. I guess I need to see what it's like so I'm planning to do homework all day and then hit up their dance for dinner. Usually I love sleeping in on Fridays since I don't work-but I haven't been able to do that for the past few days. I am having trouble sleeping at night and then remaining asleep in the mornings.

I'm so glad I went. It's so beautiful there even if I had to force myself to stay awake. I rode with my FHE parents and someone else in our group named Michael. Great company AND I used absolutely NO GAS to get there. NICE!!! Time to finish my 2 papers this week. I'm sooo sleepy but I can't seem to sleep yet.

I put myself on a financial diet and I'm trying to pay off my debt. The Crytal Inn hotel/motel right next to Stevens-Henager College is hiring for a weekend front desk person. The location is perfect AND I could REALLy use the extra cash right now. I have yet to contact the manager but I intend to do EVERYTHING I can to land the position. The location is sooo perfect.
Speaking of perfect, I've been working on my homework to try to get everything in before the last day of the module on Saturday. I'm trying to be better about attending church stuff but when I have homework looming over my head it's difficult. I do plan to attend my ward temple night tomorrow. The Bountiful temple is so beautiful. It's going to be tough to be so close to Salt Lake City without venturing there. I'm glad I went to my last ward temple night in the Magna temple even though it took about an hour longer because another group went in the session just before us. I'm not going to drive there because I have to watch my pennies and I need to drive to SLC on the 20th. I wonder when the Brigham City temple opens. It should be soon. It'll be nice to have that alternative.