Urban Poly Princess

I ate lots of junk yesterday. I also drank some peach crystal light tea. I haven't had artificial sweetener other than Stevia for several months and I am pretty sure it affected me. I woke up in pain last night and I'm going to pour the rest of it down the sink today.

I need to get back on the Nutritarian thing stat!!!

I went to an assessment to dictate phone calls for deaf people. It consists of repeating everything said in a monotone, crisp voice so a computer can recognize and relay it. The lady was very nice. I passed the typing test but I couldn't do the dictation well enough. She was very sweet and encouraging. I don't think I want to do this however. When I was a broadcast journalism major I had to consciously work on retaining inflection and personality in my voice. parroting everything in monotone isn't something I desire to develop.

She gave me a number to call to set it up and try again but I don't see myself doing that for any amount of time without going crazy.

I need to hit up the store. I need some zucchini, squash and maybe some oyster sauce.

13 And now the spirit of Alma was again troubled; and he went and inquired of the Lord what he should do concerning this matter, for he feared that he should do wrong in the sight of God.

Chopped my veggies and I need to hit up Costco for fruit since I ate the last of my blackberries and strawberries. I need to fry some veggies in coconut oil, cumin and salt.

24 And they were called the people of God. And the Lord did pour out his Spirit upon them, and they were blessed, and prospered in the land.
The end of Mosiah 25 is a perfect reminder of how important the spirit is to everything. It is one thing I find lacking in the teachers in my ward and in general. I think in my Logan ward only Jody taught a lesson in RS filled with the spirit. Everything else is important too but with all the RMs in my ward it is so sad to me that no one seems to concentrate on teaching with the spirit. 

People like gospel discussion there but something is consistently missing. The spirit is the whole point ANY time a lesson is taught. That was so central on the mission, how do people forget that and take it for granted. We need it EVERY time for an effective talk OR lesson.

I saw the Dibble sisters in my ward on the way to the temple. I knew Steve would be there and he was although I was placed in a different group than him. I love his commitment to what is truly important. Why is he the ONLY guy in my ward that seems to think this is important? It is important to me to try to support my ward. I know I will enjoy blessings for that and I consider it something I should do as much as I can. If there is something else I have to choose from I will always first choose my ward activity. I love that he attended and I know if he doesn't attend it's because something happened. He truly loves the gospel and lives it the way I wish everyone would.

I know I need to work on my Family History work. If my mother wasn't such a fanatic I wouldn't have all the work done that I do now. I need to find a happy balance with this.

I like the sealer today because he kept talking about the covenants and what they meant as well as the differences in the covenants between men, women and children. One thing he pointed out that although men and women enjoy blessings through keeping their covenants with the caveat that they are righteous, children are not subject to the same qualification. They are sealed to their parents if the ordinance is done regardless of their righteousness. What does that mean? What are the implications?

Very nice.

I feel good about my Steve relationship. I think we both live our lives well and that if we are meant to be together it will happen. That doesn't mean I shouldn't do anything when opportunities present themselves but just because I didn't sit with him last night at FHE doesn't mean anything. I wish I did but there's nothing for me to be mad about either even if I never sit with him.

Strawberry poptarts with Nutella are delicious and of course horribly bad for you. I felt sleepy today ever since I had that snack of champions. Eating badly zaps my strength. It is like a drug plus my mother keeps the house too hot. I still can't do Zumba although I can probably lift weights now. No Zumba plus eating crappy is a recipe for gaining not losing weight and I need to stop it.

19 And in the morning the Lord caused a deep sleep to come upon the Lamanites, yea, and all their task-masters were in a profound sleep.

I know I'm taking this literal BUUUT I'm not very productive when I'm eating badly and not getting enough sleep.

The irony of me reading this today is not lost on me.

I was wearing my noisy shoes so I sat at the closest table BUUUT I soon saw that Steve was sitting where I could've sat right by him but I didn't want to have to bother walking around and then I remembered how he has a bunch of girls he's going with to Midway and that ticked me off although I know I don't have any right to be ticked off. I just looked at it and there are at least 4 guys going now so I feel better about that. Anyway that was very stupid because some girl went and sat by him where I SHOULD HAVE MOVED TO SIT NEAR HIM. I guess I deserved that. I wanted to kick her and I don't even know her. She's probably really nice. She certainly doesn't deserve these violent thoughts I was having. I don't really know him well enough to get mad but I thought I finally got over myself and decided to get to know him better AND I have. I'm not shy, I don't know what the hell is my problem. I'm the one who hesitated and I'm the one who had to watch some other girl sit with him. GRRR.

Then we are looking at our relatives and while I'm related to a bunch of people in the ward the one that REALLY hit me was Vaughn Cameron Armstrong who is definitely on the MP19th site. He is my 13th cousin once removed. The removed thing is 1 generation away. I am also bishop's 13th cousin once removed.

It was interesting. If I had just calmed down I would've had fun with Steve and acted like a normal person and not an idiot. He usually goes to sealings so hopefully I'll get the chance to be normal then. Why am I making this so difficult. It's not that big a deal. I don't know him enough to be freaking out over nothing.

Is a funny thing. I think at least 5 girls plugged in their information in some program that finds common ancestors. We are ALL related. They are all 9th cousins while I have 1 10th cousin, and the rest either 10th cousin once or twice removed and then even a 13th cousin once removed whatever the hell the removed means because I don't feel like figuring it out now.

I think if you are LDS you are going to find a connection and since I am Tongan English Irish Hawaiian Chinese I could very well intersect with EVERYONE in the ward... ok not the Korean or Laotian members but anyone else is really up for grabs although I doubt there'll be any Chinese connections. There are just too many Chinese in the world.

Some guy posted on our site that we should add in the Bountiful 8th ward too.  He's not in the ward so I decided to look at the members and a significant number are from the Bountiful 8th ward. Annoying was probably there until he found out I joined the ward. Who the hell wants to contact him now. If I wanted to do that I could message him on Facebook OR just email him. What I didn't expect was to see Vaughn on our ward site but he's there and he could've very well have recognized my name and known I was in his old ward when he interviewed me. I don't like that AT ALL. I looked him up on LinkedIn on Saturday and I sent him a friend request too. I need a job but despite his glowing recommendation from Steve, I don't know if I want to work with him even if I am hired.

BUUUT I need a damn job so I will work with him if they hire me. I will just be cautious.

Beautiful Sunday. I saw Janelle Fairbanks from my ward in Logan. She is doing so well here and her best friend also from my Logan ward Heidi is getting married in 2 weeks. I am so happy for her. They are such a cute couple. She told me she saw Lark earlier today and that she just got a job in Utah. She had moved recently to California. It was a good Sunday. I saw Julie and I finally got to congratulate her too. I've always thought she was so great and she is... just not the way I first supposed. She still has a testimony and actively strives to do what her heavenly father wants her to do. I told her I would help her with anything.

I talked to Steve about Vaughn. He told me he used to be in the ward and that he moved to the Bountiful 8th ward with the split. Trippy. Steve said he is brilliant and I value his opinion. I'm trying to be normal with Steve but I might be too flirty. I do like him but I still don't really know him very well. I squeezed his arm to say bye. I hope that was alright. We aren't dating and we haven't even been on a date AND he may never ask me out. He hasn't posted anything on his Facebook page lately. I wish he would. I like to learn how people think and he used to post more than he does now.

He planned an activity to a natural spring/crater thing next March in Midway near Park City. Out of the people he invited there are 9 women who are going so far, NO men although he did invite some too. Is this my idea of a good time??? Oh hell NOOO!!! A bunch of women all fawning over Steve? I don't think so. It should be fun for him BUT it isn't something I plan on attending although he was nice enough to invite me. At least Shem invited a VARIETY of people to his Chinese New Years' thing. I would enjoy spending time with Steve in a MUCH smaller group NOT the one he formed.

I just finished that time of the month and a zit decided to rear its ugly head on my chin. Of course I ate crap this week to "celebrate Chinese New Year" I'm sure that didn't help although that's the story I'm sticking with. I asked Cara about Vaughn and she said he's good-looking and prim and proper. I asked her what she was basing that on and she told me he gave a talk once and told the women, "the prophet said not to wear more than one earring and that's what you should do - that is a good thing to me. Never put a question mark where God has placed a period. It reminds me of what one of the elders in my MTC district used to say all the time.

Everyone seems to have their own variation of writing Happy New Year in Chinese. I looked at who was attending Shem's event and panicked a little because I know Shem has some fringe interests I was sure his friends shared. Based on the little time I've spent with him I was afraid this would happen and I knew my time there would be a chore if that really happened so I invited maybe 8 people from my ward. I invited Curtis too although if he didn't attend parties in Logan he's certainly not going to attend something that far from him. Who knows maybe he'll surprise me one day. NONE of the people I invited showed up but I did the inviting the day before so it was what it was.

Parking was a nightmare and I and a bunch of people had to park in an adjoining lot. Shem didn't reserve any extra tables so we were all cramped at a single table that did not accommodate everyone. There were so many people there and a lot of children.

Earlier that day I had an interview with the church to work as an on-call meta-data specialist. Meta-data is simply data about data like a card catalog or index. As a librarian with a Master's degree in Library Science I know I'm uniquely qualified to do that. I said as much in the interview. It was with Vaughn Armstrong and some lady named Nancy. The interview went alright although I don't know if they will hire me because I told them I planned to sell real estate while maintaining the job with them. It's a part time position. I'm certainly not going to just work with them when the highest they plan to pay me is probably $14 an hour. It sounds like glorified data entry and it definitely doesn't play to my strengths but it is something I could certainly do part time.

I looked up Vaughn Armstrong on LinkedIn last night and was surprised to learn he is a Midsingle since he actually had it on his profile. Also he is Heather and Steve's connection. I decided to try Facebook too and learned he is probably in the Bountiful 8th ward since he is friends with bishop and a bunch of other ward members. I'm sure he was part of my ward's split. Trippy. He is talented and fine. He doesn't know he is fine however. He doesn't look like a model like Curtis although he could if he wanted to do that. Curtis has that it factor that exudes confidence without being cocky. It allows him to dress edgy without looking uncomfortable. Vaughn has the looks and the height but he is unaware of his physical advantage although he is a competent professional.

The dragon dance was neat to experience although it did go on longer than I wanted it to last and I tried to escape by planning to take my food to go but they brought half out earlier and I had to wait for the other half so while I did escape before everyone else I stayed a lot longer than I planned. Shem's friends are all nice but they share his interests in certain television shows and music that I don't so it went exactly like I feared it would. Next time I'm taking a friend with me to any Shem event. I did try a shrimp mushroom that I am definitely ordering on my own again. It was delicious and it was with the huge community order I didn't want to be a part of but I figured they wouldn't miss one.

Yesterday Cara and I went to Park City to see Brasilia who we home teach. We celebrated her birthday with her at pizza place. The food was expensive AND it sucked. I make better pasta AND I know how to cook my french fries. They were raw and the vegetables with the pasta looked frozen. It advertised their pasta was homemade. OH HELL NO!!! The pasta was 18.99 and the fries were 7.99. I get that I'm going to pay more in Park City BUUUT the quality should be muuuch better. I am NEVER eating there again.

There was a midsingles event at the gateway last night that sounded interesting although I am probably NOT going to attend anything. They were hosting what was or is supposed to be like Mormon Ted Talks only by LDS people who share their experiences. I like the concept but I'm not sure I really want to get involved in something like that. It wants to create something like EFY only for Single Adults because it feels the church isn't meeting their needs.

I feel it meets it just fine. I've never had a falling away from the church and I'm never going to experience that ever. They want to reach out and provide love and support. There is so much out there anyway to me I just don't see a need for it. There are multiple opportunities provided to interact with others.

Cara has been called to the RS presidency. She wanted me to give her any ideas I had about retention of the sisters. I am fine with building friendships but I have enough friends. I need to get married and that is the purpose of these wards anyway. I have a certain amount of time I'm willing to spend doing that and it doesn't include hanging out with girlfriends. I have a huge extended family I love and it is easy for me to do that exclusively but one of the reasons why I wanted to attend a midsingles ward when I finally moved back here is because I want to expand my social circle. I'm not going to do any girlfriend trips. I am going to get married and do my traveling with him then.

We went to see an audiologist and she needs hearing aids. I feel bad but I want her to get what she needs. She has some sort of genetic condition that she suffers from severe wax buildup and needs to get her ears professionally cleaned. My niece baby Isa has the same thing. I'm glad I didn't get it.

I used the last of my Nutella coupons since the Smith's sale is still on for another week. VERY NICE. It really does save a lot of money. I'm glad I started to get back into it again. I fell asleep and missed the bulk of Institute tonight. Tomorrow is Shem's Golden Dragon Celebration. That should be fun and I looove dim sum so I intend to enjoy all I want to eat of it tomorrow. I didn't know they did a dragon dance there so I'm glad Shem did this. I can make it a tradition for myself.

My friend Krista went to Taiwan with her husband specifically for Chinese New Years. I think it is the biggest holiday there, bigger even than Christmas.

I also have my interview for the part time meta-data specialist. That'll be interesting.

My interview with the church for a metadata on-call specialist is Friday at 10:30am. We'll see how that goes. I'm not even sure what the position is for exactly BUUUT as a librarian I should be qualified to perform those duties well and better than most people.

Today I went to Costco to buy some mushrooms and avocados. I like their produce. It is always good quality all the time. I went to Harmons too because I tried their honey-butter which was on closeout for .88. I should have gone there yesterday. There was just one for me to buy today.

There's this Latin American guy in my ward that I don't know. His name is Carlos and Tatiana and Mike took pictures with him at the Valentines dance at SLCC. I looked at his profile and he is a realtor too. In addition to John he's another realtor in my ward that I know of now. Yesterday at my interview at the library I felt so good and it is definitely what I want and see myself doing but I also see myself in Real Estate although I have so much to learn.

I want to manage the new Marmalade library and if I have to start as an assistant there to do that than so be it.

Mosiah 18
11 And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts.
When I was the YSA rep for the Liberty Tongan Ward I was sooo happy when I was released I actually clapped my hands for joy. It was sooo hard to deal with the YSA who had their own concept of time that I didn't want to deal with at all and it was sooo hard for me to magnify my calling that time and I was sooo grateful when it ended. That's the first time I ever clapped my hands in glee. I never thought I'd find the same expression in the scriptures.

450 is the number of followers who fled when King Noah pursued Alma and his group of converts. That is awesome that it was 450.

FINALLY I get an interview and the position sucks BUUUT I looove that environment although I need a management job there. I'm hoping they can see how valuable my services are and let me rise to the position I should be in.

We did 4 role plays I can do in my sleep. I like the people I spoke with and I would love to work for the City Library. I work well with the public and I need the chance to show that asap. Why is this so hard. I don't mind proving myself. I just wish they would give me a chance.

I don't want to work in an academic library. My skill is interacting with people from a variety of backgrounds. Academic libraries restrict the population you interact with and I'm not interested in doing that. Academic libraries pay more initially BUUUT you can do well in public libraries too which is where I envision myself. I hope they take a chance on me.

I slayed that interview but then I've thought that before too. Next up FINALLY the City Library. I would like that job and then I'd try to get them to pay for my ULA and ALA membership and conference fees. The BYU Center also has a library. That surprised me. I thought it would have a lot more limited resources.

Now for the Library tonight.

We always have this and we have always been blessed with this. I was looking at Steve's profile last night and I saw his pictures from an African volunteer trip he took. That is great that he did that. I have mixed emotions about those trips in general and how they really help a country or hurt it and who it is done for in the first place. The countless celebrity trips and publicity surrounding that is controversial. What did stick out to me however is how prepared he is to lead the church and how he will be an effective tool worldwide. I like that he has traveled internationally on his own.

I knew when I was 14 and got my patriarchal blessing I would marry someone who would devote his life to the church and be its representative to the world. When I got to know annoying it was clear he thought he is going to fill that role. He tries hard and has lived his life well for the most part. How he treated me however is inexcusable. His utter lack of respect he exhibited was a choice he consciously made. He is STILL acting like this. Heavenly Father and his gospel are all about free agency. Until and unless he learns to deal with people better he will never become what he could. I think it is too late for him and I don't believe he will ever reach the potential he once had. He doesn't rely on his father in heaven as much as he needs. Instead he seeks counsel from inappropriate people with their own agendas.

Steve by contrast has the image of the Savior in his countenance. He treats all people well. He will be a great leader in the church with or without me. That doesn't mean we are meant to be together or anything like that. He just impressed me when I saw those pictures.

This is my day of interviews first one with BYU-Testing center at 9am and then the City Library at 5:45pm. I need to get ready now.

Steve looked very nice tonight. It was packed. Any of our FHE nights when we eat for the activity has an incredible turnout. I sent him a Facebook friend request AGAIN!!! I wanted to respond to something he posted once when I realized I'm not his friend. I thought we were friends a long time ago. I like how he thinks... sort of - I hope he isn't a liberal. I never thought that might be an issue but we have a pretty liberal girl in our ward who writes A LOT of stuff on his page that I don't really agree with. I hope he doesn't have David's political stance. I like how passionate he was about that stuff but I haaated the way he thought. When I thought annoying might think that way I was really upset but I don't think he really cares.

I'm so jaded politically but I am still extremely conservative and I detest the liberal mind-set. My friend Shem seems very liberal too. I'm not sure what Steve's political stance is but his spiritual foundation is exactly how I want it to be. I sat with Mike tonight just because we got there around the same time and so we ended up in the same place. I love how he is so caring with his mother and I love that he took her to WWE. When I was walking with crutches he opened the door for me unlike the other stupid idiots who were there but just remained seated. Mike is brilliant and kind but I never have a sense of his spiritual state and that is so important to me.

I didn't really have the chance to chat with Steve. Too many people were there. I saw my home teacher there tonight and I met his girlfriend, twin brother and sister who also attended. I know I'll have other occasions to interact with him because he attends all the things I consider important.

Which means nothing to me since I remain unemployed. I told my mother I'm just going to look for anything now then work real estate full time. She does not approve of or like this. I have applied for jobs for 5 looong months now and I am at the point where I just need something. When my leg is done recovering I'm going to teach Zumba classes too.

I'm just not moving to a small town again for a job. I did that for 4 1/2 years and I HAAATED living in Logan. I love the nice people I met there and that I could have a nice 2-bedroom/2-bath apartment for 800 a month. That was nice BUUUT NOOOT having stores or restaurants SUCKED. I can't believe I stayed there as long as I did. I am grateful I got an MBA for free AND my real estate license NOT that there was anything else to do there living in the damn boonies. I loooved working in the temple and that people recognized me from working there. That was always amazing. I loved my job too ALTHOUGH no raise for over 4 years was ridiculous. She did that with everyone however and from what I heard I should've been grateful for getting as much as I did there.

YES there were good things from living there. I am glad I went to a Midsingles ward there and that I can consider some white guy now. I've met more righteous white men than Poly men. The Poly men turn to the gospel AFTER they've been rebels in their youth. I know I'm generalizing. There are brilliant Poly men but even those that eventually become rocks just never seem to start that way and I don't want that. I want brilliant AND spiritually on point right now. NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED!!!

So YES I'm a freaking wimp. I assumed Steve hadn't attended graduate school when he has. It is probably why he can afford to own a home or 2. I can't deny he has the spirit and testimony he needs to have. I have to give this a chance. I would be lucky to date him at all so I need to quit freaking out and ignoring him all the time. Whenever he shows me attention I ignore him. NOT COOL. I haaate that he has so many female fans and he has a whole lot of them. They all recognize his amazing qualities. I recognize them. I am going to get over this reluctance I keep having. I need to try this. Even if nothing happens I need to quit how I'm acting. It's not easy for me but I am going to regret this if I don't at least try. I am going to make an honest effort tomorrow to be normal and not a stupid rabbit.

Church was alright, nothing spectacular although I did meet my home teacher. He is very nice. He looks very old despite that. He invited me to dinners he attends with other members of the ward and other people in the area. I told him I'll go next week. He told me the girl he's dating is in Monument Park 11th ward and they have get-togethers there every week. He named other people who attend but I don't know any of them.

I saw Steve but I didn't say anything to him. Actually I avoided him. He is righteous so I don't know what the hell is my problem. I feel like if I date him we'll end up getting married and I don't want to marry him. He is amazing so again I don't know what's wrong with me. I do want to get married. I just thought I'd have this huge push towards him but instead there's nothing there but I don't get why because he is what I want at every important level. Stupor of thought? Maybe.

I am just going to try to get my job and begin this real estate thing. I miss Zumba so much. I didn't miss a day there since I moved here UNTIL this injury that is - I want this in my life. I want fitness to play a central role and Zumba too. I am a little annoyed that despite my experience AND my 2 master degrees it doesn't seem to matter and I can't get a job. I finalized my chapter 7 bankruptcy so I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. I just wanted to keep it at a 13 but without a job I didn't want that payment arrangement being broken.

Spencer has a girlfriend but I do feel something there. He is in the temple and I really like that too. Yea right, I'm not taking anyone's boyfriend away.

Without a Valentine and without the ability to dance at any dance which would be what I want to do. 3 people got engaged from my ward this past week. My clerk at the ward Jeff, my friend from Logan who moved here a little before I did Julie and Brad this guy who just left our ward because he needs to attend church early for his job.

The professional organizer scheduled to speak canceled and instead one of our councilor's wives spoke to us about organizing our homes. She seems obsessed with labeling. I get labeling things when you move and everything's in boxes you can't see through AND it helps when you put things away BUUUT it looks messy and ugly to label EVERYTHING in my opinion. I like my apartments/homes spotless and I like to get rid of things that don't work. My mother however is a completely different story. I told my bishop to put realtor down for my vocation since I was in his office yesterday. I told him I plan to just get any job and do real estate full time. He asked me if I had a real estate license and I told him I did.

As I sat in his office I looked at the board that lists all the callings in the ward and has our pictures included for them to put on magnetic pieces of paper to move around the board. ALL and by ALL I mean ALL 4 of the Poly girls in the ward have the exact same calling. Me, Lusi and Angela are all committee members in RS 3 for the additional meetings. There is a Samoan girl I don't know who has the same calling in RS 2. Her last name is Toilolo so I know she's Samoan.

I pointed it out to bishop. He seemed surprised and mentioned to me how that should probably change. I told him if that's how the Lord wanted it who am I to question that HOWEVER I am not so naive as to think that was all inspiration. People are placed in callings as needed. Inspiration definitely plays a part AS NEEDED BUT I think for the most part people are placed where the leaders think they are a good fit.

I know the respective relief society presidents issue these callings BUT how can it NOT be strange. I don't think anyone was intentionally pigeon-holing me or anyone else. BUT of course that just makes it worse. It is so ingrained in some people they think that is correct. It makes me assume they think we are only capable of being on the additional meetings committee. Somehow we are genetically predisposed to do that. REALLY???!!! I'm glad I pointed it out to my bishop.

I'd like an ideal little world where race didn't matter but I'm not living under a rock.

One of the rare times when I am going to attend something I have a calling for: Our additional meetings is combined tonight. Belinda is recovering from surgery now and Emily was released last week. We have a brand new presidency that was called last week. I really like Domoina, she is awesome and she will do a fantastic job. Cara and Valerie are also in the presidency. They are all awesome. I just walk slowly now. I'm not that excited to attend tonight but I need to do that and get with it.

I sat near Spencer last Sunday because it was the closest seat to the exit so I could use my crutches out of there. He was so nervous and figety the whole time. He is so attracted to me. That was weird because he doesn't flirt with me at all. Maybe not that weird, he has a girlfriend. Attraction matters but not that much in the whole scheme of things.

Shem is having a New Years Eve party at The New Golden Dragon. I looove dim sum and the dim sum there so of course I joined the Facebook event for the party he invited me to attend. Shem's 20% Catholic thing however have planted him firmly in the friend zone. I wish I was attending institute instead tonight but I need to go to this RS thing especially since it's my calling and I created the flyer.

BUUUT NO MORE CRUTCHES!!! I looove that. It has actually been very quick. I will complete my 3rd week Friday. I am staying off Zumba for 10 weeks regardless but it appears things just keep improving every day.

I needed to print something at the library so I went there and hobbled in without taking my crutches in. I got an automated shopping wheelchair at Costco which was marvelous. This makes me very happy because it should be healed enough for me to walk normally for my Testing Center and City Library interview.

I didn't get any additional phone calls today despite all the applications I submitted so far this week. I'm going to follow-up with the Stevens-Henager College online or Independence University. Teaching online is the ultimate part time position because I can teach online from anywhere in the world and the more I do it the better and easier it will become.

Tomorrow is a relief society additional meeting. I am glad to be more mobile for this and now I will attend everything again. I can't wait to go to Zumba again but I'm not going to be stupid about this and the one thing repeated again and again in all the advice I've read online is to not return to full activity until I've taken sufficient time to heal. I love how miraculous our body is and how healing occurs so quickly even when it also feels like it takes forever.

FINALLY!!! I applied for a library assistant NOT a librarian position with the City. Cream rises to the top and I am hoping if I work there as an assistant it can turn into a REAL librarian position although I'm looking for part time NOT full time. So next week is the interview week.

Funny how things happen all at once. I hope SOMETHING comes of this.

I am hoping I can walk normally by then. I am grateful it improves a little bit each day. This is to work at BYU's Salt Lake Center Testing Center. It is part time which is why I wanted to apply for it in the first place ALSO because it is within walking distance if I can just walk normally again. It is perfect for my real estate plan which is why I hope this goes somewhere.

My mother isn't feeling well which sucks because I need a few things from the store. Costco has those automated wheelchair shopping carts. Maybe. We'll just have to see. I had to take a credit counseling class online for my bankruptcy. My attorney originally said the filing fee would be 335 but now he just told me it's for $100. I can do that now. I thought I'd have to wait another week.

Time to email him about that.

Eating crap - leftover deep-dish pizza I bought last night from Little Ceasar's when I dropped my mother off to get her Stake recommend interview. I can walk now, it's actually easier without the crutches around the house. It still isn't 100 % and I still can't walk normally without a limp. It's interesting how just a day makes improvement, marked although incremental improvement which I am grateful for. I feel like I shouldn't waste this stuff even though it's bad for me.

I applied for 2 online teaching jobs one with Stevens-Henager. Unfortunately the Dean told me he has enough English and writing instructors. He told me if I had 18 college math credits I could teach basic math. Thank you AP Calculus - I never had to take college match because of this. There is a part time writing/editing job that only pays $10/hr BUT it is flexible enough to make this worth it to me because I'm finally thinking like someone who plans to do real estate full time.

I don't like being locked into a schedule and I certainly don't like being told what to do. I don't mind working for someone else part time BUUUT only just to get started in Real Estate. I don't expect to stay with a part time job more than 3 months. By then I want to be a working real estate agent WITH an accompanying salary I am comfortable with. That is probably why I'm not getting a job despite my repeated attempts, all of which are driving me crazy BUUUT I will play the game until my unemployment runs out after which I'm going to apply with a temp agency which should give me a job right away. I will work there and save enough money to start this thing. In the mean time I need to concentrate on applying to teach with Stevens-Henager College because that will give me the gas money I need AND allow me the time I want to devote to real estate.

I've always wanted this but my half-hearted attempts haven't reaped the results I want probably because they are half-hearted attempts. Despite repeated attempts to get a library job at a public library here in Salt Lake City I am not even getting an interview.

I loved that FHE speaker we had at the beginning of the year. He reminded me of how everything is ultimately up to us and if we do not have what we want now we have no one but ourselves to blame. I have always had to fight for anything I've enjoyed in my life. This is no different and I have to remember that all the time. Our relief society presidency was just changed completely yesterday.

SUCKS!!! I just wanted to get out of there and now my leg is bugging me a little. Too much time sitting there without elevating it. AND I'm hungry now and I definitely don't want to eat salad.

I have to take my mother to get her temple recommend and I'm going to stop somewhere first to get something to eat. I've eaten A LOT of chocolate powdered almonds which are delicious BUUUT I need some real food. After church I'm ravenous.

23 And it came to pass that peace and the love of God was restored again among the people; and they searched the scriptures, and hearkened no more to the words of this wicked man.

I am still sticking to my Nutritarian style of eating but then I did eat Chinese yesterday since I was with Lulu who only came back to Utah for her mother's funeral.

I have leftovers and I'm still going to eat them just with a lot of fruit and vegetables. I don't think small indiscretions will hurt as long as they are done maybe once a week and not every day. 

Tomorrow I go to church after missing 2 weeks. I will go with my crutches which sucks but hopefully won't be for much longer. Belinda had surgery lately so I know she is busy recovering.  

12 O be wise; what can I say more?

I wish this leg would hurry the hell up and heal. I want to workout again. I am going to just work out my arms tomorrow with weights. 

Now I want a different pair of crutches which means my mother is going to have to help me with that.

I need to call my attorney and pay him $500 for my bankruptcy change. There is also a $335 filing fee.

Now to eat well again. I have everything I need. My mother found an electric shopping wheelchair for me at Costco that worked well but was weird for me. I didn't put any make up on and I wasn't planning on looking at people. My plan was for my mother to shop for me. That is what happened at Walmart and she got me a slice of chocolate cake from that Mexican grocery store where Albertson's used to be.

It is weird to see all the EMZ posts right now. I wish I were in this as well instead of on the outside looking in. I can't even walk enough to grocery shop. I do walk enough to get to church however. I need to get over that I'll be hobbling.

I can't believe this. My mother isn't feeling well enough to go to the store. I need avocados and zucchini, squash, SOMETHING I can eat on my nutritarian diet. All of a sudden she's too sick to go to the store for me. I was so ticked off I went driving around Rose Park trying to figure out a drive-through I wouldn't mind eating at but when you've been eating healthy fast food doesn't sound or taste good. I finally settled on Burger King and they had me pull around front where I waited over 10 minutes. So much for fast food. Now I feel bloated and gross. I want my vegetables I can prepare myself.

I just tried to get my mother to agree to go with me tonight. She said she's feeling better right now. I HOPE to hell she does because if not I'm going to go shuffling around soon.

Yesterday I cooked something which was good to move on my leg because now my recovery is in the strengthening mode. BUUUT I still limp because I don't have complete mobility on my left leg. It reminds me of my recovery when I broke my leg. It seemed like it took forever and then one day it wasn't there bothering me anymore.

I can't believe everything I went through and am going through right now. I can walk for short distances but I still don't feel like I can go to Costco and pick up a few things. We will just have to see how this goes.

I don't care about getting to know anyone better right now. Ultimately and in my head I want that but the effort is painful to me even if it isn't particularly difficult. It is the one area of my life I have never conquered. While I keep applying for different jobs I am interested in doing real estate most. I feel like I was meant to get my license but I've never had the chance to do anything about that despite this.

I felt so good about my fitness level and being so consistent with Zumba. This was such a random incident. I still love Zumba and I can't wait to do it again but I'm going to take the time I need to recover completely too. My physical and spiritual health were the 2 areas I felt REALLY good about. Although I haven't lost the weight I want to lose, I did Zumba M-F every morning at 5:30am and I've embraced a nutritarian diet. I love this style of eating. I just REALLY need to go to the store however. I don't have any almonds to snack on now or the fruit I want.

Of course Shem's statement did not go unnoticed and he has a bunch of friends complimenting him for attending mass. He revealed he is attending 3-5 times a month. I wonder if he has an active temple recommend. I'm sure Mass is beautiful HOWEVER why would you want just part of what you could enjoy? Every church has portions of the truth and beauty. He told his friend he is 20% Catholic now. Wow! Nuns are great so are pastors from every denomination. They actively spread good will that sure as hell doesn't mean I'm going to sign up for anything else. AND this is why I never sensed anything spiritual about him.

I saw a picture of my friend Curtis at FHE in Logan. He looks amazing of course but he also looks really happy. I am glad he is attending and associating with good people. It's good for him to meet more people in the ward. I want him to start dating one of the Fridal twins because they are amazing and I want him with someone as great as he is - that is what he deserves. Whoever he ends up with will be one of the luckiest girls period. Even if he didn't look like a model I'd feel that way. That is just the icing.

My friend Shem posted something on Facebook about going to Mass and being confused at the empty parking lot until he remembered right, the Superbowl. Why does an RM feel the need to attend Mass. I don't get why someone as intelligent as him can be so stupid. You spend your time doing what you value. Why do people get disenchanted with the church. My librarian friend Joseph is an amazing friend, father and husband. How did he fall away like that?

One thing I really appreciate about meeting my friend Curtis is how he shattered all of my stereotypes of Logan. He's not even from Logan, he's from a surrounding small town. He grew up on a dairy farm. He didn't go to graduate school or college. Despite that he is intelligent, gorgeous and dresses extremely well. He is close to his family and continues to spend time with them. He has a strong testimony of our Savior and he seeks the direction of the scriptures and the spirit. He is responsible too. He owns his own home and is actively trying to find his wife. He is kind to a variety of people.

It used to be so important to me to find someone who finished graduate school. If I found someone like Curtis around here I wouldn't care. He is far from stupid. The only reason why I went out of my way to became his friend is because he looks like he walked out of GQ. I was pleasantly surprised to find out he is also intelligent, responsible AND spiritual.

Mike is brilliant but I have no sense of his spiritual state. I've never seen him at a temple session. Steve is still the best I've met so far despite being shorter than I want him to be and not attending graduate school. I feel like there are many more people I need to meet but I think right now Steve is the only one I should try to get to know better. That moment when we were doing sealings however still haunts me. I really wanted to feel something with him but I felt nothing at all. I should have faith that I will meet someone else that I will feel that with. Does that really matter?

The spirit was sooo strong with annoying and despite my repeated attempts it never worked that didn't make sense and sooo intense against Rich. Do I wait until I get that again? What if it never happens. Can't I just get to know Steve better. Will I feel something if I just keep spending time with him? I felt something for Colton after I spent a lot of time with him. Colton always was wrong for me and I thought it would be fine to spend time with him because I never wanted what he was. I do want what Steve is and I know the things I don't want aren't important. I like that he owns his own home, has a good job, and I love his church activity. I like that he attends FHE and the temple. I enjoy his company too. Can't those feelings be fostered and grow in me? Steve is clearly apostle material. Why do I keep hesitating. Is is just my own personal problem? The only thing I don't like about his way of thinking is he seems to have a very romanticized idea of Polynesians. There is no harm in finding out.

I've missed so much church thanks to this calf strain. So now I've come to this Steve conclusion. Will he even be single now that I think I know what I want?

I'm trying to stick with my nutritarian diet but it is difficult when my mother is trying to cut things out even more. I told her I wanted an apple and she was trying to get me to ration this. I wanted to kill her. Yesterday I ate my steel cut oats, a salad, avocado and 2 small bowls of the coconut Thai soup I love but she got the wrong brand of coconut milk so it didn't taste right. I had some grapes in the morning. I told her I need 3 fruits a day and although she gave me a banana she didn't want to give me my apple. It is tough to stay on this nutritarian diet if she doesn't feed me.

I had beans with my salad which is what I needed anyway. The nutritarian diet includes lots of fresh vegetables a day, 1 cup of beans, cooked vegetables and then 3 servings of different fruit. I can snack on almonds or other nuts. I wasn't hungry after eating my apple but it is BECAUSE of actually eating that I haven't been hungry on this program.

I cannot believe her. I feel so bad for calling her a B that one day but it is so frustrating to have to rely on her to get me EVERYTHING.

My leg is still out of commission. It is sooo nice my patch was applied to the right area and I experienced nooo pain last night. I got up around 4 am and it's been tough not to take this thing off but I finally did. Hallelujah!!! My leg feels better already. I am not going to church however or FHE yet. I will try next week.

I've been watching television. Last year I attended a Superbowl party thrown by a lady who was also an ordinance worker with me at the Logan temple. It was fun. She had her sons there and she was trying to throw us together and then I talked to the sole other single sister and she did the same thing only worse. One of the guys in my old Logan ward invited me to a Superbowl party this year. I love the parties and while I hope the Seahawks win I don't really care to watch the game. I'm just all about the party.

I wonder who my home teachers are. Spencer told me I have them. They just haven't bothered to speak to me AT ALL.

It is February 1st. I have 2 more treatments left. I will look up and begin stretching exercises. I am going to keep applying and run out my unemployment. I don't really care if I haven't found a job yet. On one hand it drives me crazy but I wouldn't have been able to recover this way if I was employed. I definitely wouldn't have been able to leave a job anyway. I think I have 5 weeks left. I am going to pay my attorney and change my bankruptcy to a chapter 7. I can't believe I'm having to do this again but without a job and no way of knowing when this will occur I don't have a choice.

I know I can get just a job through a temp agency fairly quickly but I'm not willing to go that way yet.