Urban Poly Princess

I am waiting for my rice to finish cooking. I didn't think it would take so long! It's after 3am but I got up late this morning. I'm going to set my alarm for 9:30am. I tried to think about questions and direction I need but I really don't have any. I feel like I know what I need to do already.
1. What do I need to do now to prepare myself to be the best wife and mother?
2. Who is prepared now to hear more about the Savior and his church?
3. What is the most important thing right now that I can do to please my Father in Heaven?

I've never done the question thing before although I've heard we can and should do it. I've always felt I have the tools to receive guidance on anything without having to specifically wait for conference. Conference gives us direction on what will best help us for the next 6 months. There are always many things we need to improve. I've always viewed conference as a way to streamline that and prioritize that although I don't usually think I'm going to gain anything new. Repetition focuses us automatically on what we need. It's why temple attendance helps us remember our purpose and renew our commitment to achieving that.
I get how identifying what we need instruction on will focus what we listen for. When I was on a mission it felt like everything they talked about was missionary-related. If we focus by writing down what we specifically hope to receive answers for it completely makes sense that I'll notice those things. So I'm going to do that tomorrow and Sunday. Actually I'm going to do that tonight and then listen for those specific things tomorrow and Sunday.
I know what my future holds and I can't deny that. It actually puts everything into perspective for me. It just isn't unfolding the way I think it would or should. I've tried to rationalize what I know away BUT I know what I do and I get to deal with that however that manifests itself or doesn't. I don't get why I have to deal with all this other stuff. To me what I know matters more than anything else.
The whys to things I don't understand aren't really important. What is important is what actually happens, what I know and how I respond to that. I do know for sure I can't just ignore this or avoid this. That's easy for me to do BUT I know no one's perfect. I'm certainly not so I'm not sure why I keep expecting or hoping other people are or at least behave the way I think they should. We aren't meant to have perfect understanding. None of us would progress that way. I know I don't know everything and I know I'm not right all the time. I just think I am. I don't know why I think that but I do-STILL I've been wrong many times before and I've assumed things and jumped to conclusions frequently. I need to remind myself of that more. I know when I cop an attitude and I know that is just silly to dwell on what I might consider unacceptable.
What was bothering me for a long time has changed and that is good because I couldn't handle it anymore and I had to avoid ANY and ALL of those situations. If it didn't change I'd have to change a number of things just to stay active in my ward. I was going to do that but I didn't have to make those changes because those situations disappeared. Helene dragged me to Sunday school. She has no idea I wasn't going back to that class but I'm glad I did because the teacher is really good and I don't have anything I have to avoid there now. No one did anything wrong, it's just something I couldn't take anymore.

I looove Thursdays because I don't work on Fridays.
I learned a little more about the late king and his successor. Tupou V named his little brother crown prince in 2006. He has had time to prepare for his role as King today. Media reports are inconsistent with pertinent facts. It's annoying!!! The number of pallbearers was repeatedly named as 1000 while other stories list it at 150. I think that's more accurate. I haven't been in Tonga forever sooo maybe Tupou V was the beloved Monarch everyone seems to be trying to make him into. I just didn't have a good impression of him.
George's first job after he graduated was for this insurance company in Honolulu called John Mullen. He did all their computer stuff although I don't really know what that means. That was a looong time ago and I think he only made under 30,000 a year then. The current King Tupou VI, then a prince and NOT the crown prince, visited him with some old Tongan man who "spoke" for the prince-since the prince wasn't supposed to speak to commoners-tried to tell George what the prince needed. The prince just spoke directly to George as the old Tongan man's English was pretty bad and the prince spoke perfect English. He told George he just needed some RAM so George told him where the nearest store was for him to get some. It's a funny story and it's neat that he met the current king that way. George could care less.
He is voting for Obama again. He is a registered Republican BUT he told me he had to vote for Obama last time since he's from Hawaii. Now he just doesn't like any of the Republican candidates. I called him a traitor but that did nothing. He doesn't like Mitt. He thinks he doesn't have confidence. I talked about Jack Welch's endorsement and what he said about Romney and he doesn't like Welch either. He said Welch was a harsh businessman who may have been successful but didn't care about eliminating employees. I don't know what's wrong with my brother!!! My assistant is voting for Obama too.
Thankfully I live in Utah AND I know that Romney will get ALL our electoral votes SOOO George AND Judy's votes will just be wasted anyway. I know Utah will vote for Romney for silly reasons too but that's just fine with me!!!

I could tell my friend Chris was uncomfortable about visiting my apartment to fix my Desktop sound sooo I unplugged everything on my tower and lugged it to work. He tested it and it worked fine. Sooo I told him there must be something wrong with the speakers I just bought. I got my speakers for him to test AND there's a power button on the back of one of them. Dale and Chris could not stop laughing at me. Charity called it my blonde moment.
Sooo I was without sound because I didn't notice a power button!!! Now it's fine and I'll be able to watch conference on my desktop instead of my laptop although I can lay in bed with my laptop. I love my culture and have enjoyed watching all the events surrounding the king's funeral BUT-conference weekend in particular has been celebration time and reunion time for my Tongan community.
I used to live 2 blocks from the conference center. I served a church service mission there after I met the man in charge of that at my friend's wedding reception. She was a service missionary there and she introduced me to him. I told him how I thought it was great that my friend did that and then he said why don't you do that too? I couldn't think of a reason for him so I gave tours at the conference center every Thursday night for 3 years.
Since guides were familiar with the Center and the ushers were in demand at conference we were always asked to do this too. We had to be there at 6am and as soon as we got the congregation seated we were to go and eat lunch during the talks that were played on huge screens in the Church Office Building cafeteria. By the time we finished eating it was time to return to our assigned post and help people exit the building.
On Saturdays we ate dinner too before priesthood session but on Sundays we just went home and made our own meals that night. Ushering never allowed me to listen to the talks the way I wanted and it always required a little more effort to read or watch these later online. Ironically the years I ushered for conference were the years I didn't get as much from the sessions.
I loooved being a guide. Sometimes I didn't feel like going there but once I was there and had a group of people and started a tour it was incredible. People in Utah are so blessed to have those types of opportunities. It was so neat to share my testimony all the time although we didn't do it the typical way. We were not allowed to share our testimony the way people usually do but we could make simple declarative statements that to me are actually more powerful.
One of my favorite things about the conference center is all the artwork is original. The Arnold Frieberg gallery holds ALL the Book of Mormon paintings while original works by Minerva Teichert and Walter Rane are all over the place too. I looove art. I wish I took even one art history course. Renoir is my absolute favorite but I also like some contemporary artists and other old masters from diverse styles like Van Gough and my friend got me to like Picasso too. I looove the Honolulu Art Gallery. For some reason I thought Utah would have better galleries and museums but I have been sadly disappointed. The U's art museum and even BYU's don't compare AND NOT just by a little bit, by A LOT!!! I think I need to explore California's museums next. I know there are MANY there. I'm not sure where to start.

I watched part of the funeral streaming live and I enjoyed looking at all the pictures posted. I was struck with how beautiful it is and how much I love the tradition and culture I was blessed with. I can't help thinking about a bunch of other things too though-ALL IS NOT ROSY IN THE KINGDOM!!!.
When I lived in Tonga Tupou the IV reigned and for me he is who I think of when I think of the Tongan King. The crown prince was synonymous with scandal. He was a womanizer AND my dad actually saw him with several YOUNG pretty Tongan girls once on a flight to Hawaii from Tonga. His exploits were many as were his victims. I have a few gay Tongan friends however who ALL maintain his later preference for men. It doesn't help that he never married or enjoyed flamboyant clothes and all the foreign trappings his position gave him.
People keep praising him for moving Tonga toward democracy but I think the riots including fires destroying several key buildings downtown were more responsible for that. His coronation had to be postponed because of the political upheaval. Despite that he STILL spent 1.2 million on his coronation-something the impoverished nation can NOT afford. I'm glad everyone wants to remember the best of him BUT I think ignoring the choices he made is silly. I admit to loving all the pageantry-the pomp and circumstance surrounding his funeral is a treat BUT-at what cost does this come? I am glad the new king-his younger brother Tupou the VI cut the mourning period from 3 months to 5 days.
This brother was never expected to reign. He is the youngest son. He is married with 3 children. I think he's been spared many of the weaknesses the late king had simply because he was never treated like one day he would be king. I hope I'm right about him and that he leads Tonga the way it needs to be led. I've never heard of him involved in any questionable schemes. Whatever happens it'll be interesting to watch.
I made myself go to fhe tonight. Avoidance has always been my solution but I know it's not a good one. Good lesson on general conference. I am excited to watch it and I love conference. I heard someone say once that EVERY challenge and question we have is answered in conference and that we can find the solution to ALL our problems there. I would've shared that tonight I just don't know who said it but I know it's true. I love that my friend reads his scriptures in the morning AND right before he sleeps 2. It's because he does these things that I trust the decisions he makes.
So REALLY I don't have any problem with him. OK-the bathroom humor???!!! I think that is a guy thing that I detest. My brother is the same way and Sam and Bro. Kitchens kept trying to go there too. NOT uplifting BUT NOT neutral either although they might beg to differ. I REALLY don't think it is-Player men know somehow NOT to go there BUT they seem to know a lot about being smooth. Unfortunately players are all about style over substance. Can I just have someone with both? Is style AND substance too much to ask?
I've always wanted to be gorgeous AND spiritual, confident AND humble, brilliant AND fun!!!. I don't think we need to sacrifice any of our positive traits. It is why I love Marianne Williamson's quote in A Return to Love-By being fabulous we make manifest the glory of God. We need to let our light shine!!!-I aim to defy that stupid stereotype that is probably just in my head that U have to be homely to be spiritual or an idiot not to intimidate your husband. That good LDS women bake great bread and sit around doing crafts all day.
There are a lot of things I need to complete BUT I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel good about the challenges. Stepping stones NOT stumbling blocks!!! My friend seems to have a lot on his plate. He's doing what he's supposed to do. I know he'll be fine. I know he knows that too.
He asked someone on a date last night. Meeting someone I want to spend time with at all isn't easy for me. I think I get along well with lots of people and really I do BUT as far as wanting more with anyone-that doesn't happen until I get to know them better-of course I have to want to get to know them better in the first place and that doesn't happen too often for me either.
Even when I do like everything, somehow if I get the feeling they're not for me that'll be it. I don't need anything else-and that-is Y I'm still single!!!-My friend is right-all the things pulling me in different directions are NOT equally important. I went to fhe BECAUSE I know this BUT there R other things I can do-First I need to end my cluelessness!!!-I know how to pray, I know how answers come, I know how to feel and recognize the spirit. Why do I keep trying to make things more difficult? I may not have a clue, BUT I've known how to get one for a looong time.

I'm wearing my sandals so I REALLY don't like the rain!!! I WAS going to deliver my invites in the North today but the week is supposed to be gorgeous starting tomorrow-sooo-delivery will begin again tomorrow. One more day and all the public librarians will be done. I guess I can figure out special librarians today.
I suppose I COULD go home and change my footwear AND snag a raincoat AND umbrella AND I'm hungry AND I have some oreos at home. I have about half an hour before the students go on break and I like to be here when they do that unless I need to leave more. Time for me to leave.

I feel great because I took my Navajo friends from school to a missionary fireside at the Tabernacle. I fed them dinner too. Lakeesha wanted musubi so I made a bunch and it looked like there wasn't very much so I made some shrimp noodle stir-fry too. Taylor REALLY liked the musubi. He ate several and then he asked for the rest. I kept one. I'm glad he liked them.
It's nice to get to know people better. I'm glad they came over and I had fun with them.
Jonni convinced me to go visiting teaching between sessions AND it's actually a great way for me to boycott the conference weekend parties. Sooo I'll stay in Logan another weekend.
I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do BUT I don't know anymore. I don't want my friend being unhappy BUT I'm not going to sit there and chip away at myself either. I'm going to turn into a bitter B. Why can't this just be clear? I don't like being in limbo. I want to either have a great relationship OR get the L over it. I don't want to hope for something that's never going to happen. I don't want to be some deluded idiot that never moves on. I don't like being stuck on the fence like how I feel now. I just want to be on a side.
Still, there is sooo much for me to be grateful for. It's easy to ignore what I really need to confront and work at because so many things need my attention. I guess I need to think about how I can best progress and what I absolutely need to do to bring this to pass.
I answered myself. I know what needs my attention right now. Enough running away.

Delivered invitations to 3 different elementary school librarians, a middle school librarian, 2 alternative high school librarians, Logan Public AND dropped off 3 at USU Merril-Cazier Library AFTER Hunger Games and I dropped off rent after realizing I've been driving around with the cashier's check sitting in my car.
ALSO attended a special faculty meeting on MY DAY OFF!!!
I Bought a $4 drink Bcause I felt bad about smuggling my own snacks into the movie. Do I feel bad about paying outrageous prices or bad about deceit. Alright I REALLY know what I should have done.
I don't want to go anywhere now. I'm going to watch old Psych episodes on hulu. Why get cable when I can see anything for free online???!!!

I'll watch it in a few hours STILL I'm sick of my friends posting on Facebook from their midnight shows!!! I WAS over it UNTIL they started doing that!!! NOW I'm thinking how they'll C it in half an hour!!!-Tomorrow it's more deliveries, Hunger Games ON opening day if not the opening show-and a session!!!

My Logan Tongan friends want me to hang out with them in SLC for the famous conference weekend. They are renting a hotel room. They want to go dancing which I looove but is probably a waste of time because I already know how this will go down. I'll inevitably meet someone gorgeous who is over 15 years younger than me who will do his best to impress me but would run if I told him how old I am and I'm CERTAINLY NOT going to do that. My friends are very sweet BUT veeery young.
One of my distant cousins wanted to set me up with her brother-in-law sooo my first cousin WITHOUT consulting me first-tells her I'm too high maintenance and NOT to go there-IN FRONT OF ME!!!
My drain is working again!!! Hallelujah!!! Tomorrow is delivery day all over Cache Valley. Friday is the Hunger Games!!! Sunday I get to be missionary girl!!! I really am blessed.
My social life sucks right now. I know there are many things I can do to improve this and although I don't have a clue what those are I do know how to figure that out.

One of my students told me I look tired. Maybe it's because I finally got to bed at 3:30am. I needed to do laundry. I just need to get in the habt of doing laundry all the time. Everything's in slow motion today. I'm going to feed the soda machine and get a diet Dr. Pepper.

This is one of my most favorite things in the world!!! I decided to ask the Navajo students to attend the missionary fireside at the tabernacle Sunday. They told me only if I made them musubi. Lakeesha has a Hawaiian aunt who made them musubi with "hard" rice. I told her she and her boyfriend Taylor will love my musubi.
The potluck I threw together at the last minute was to fellowship them, but they had to work. It's THE reason why I wanted Brandon there because he is an RM Navajo person attending USU. I think he'd be an excellent role model. I was telling Lakeesha how my ward is veeery into playing board games. She wanted to come too. Later she wanted to invite me to her apartment she shares with her boyfriend for Navajo tacos. She's only 18 and her boyfriend I think is 20. This is the first time she's lived away from her home on the reservation.
I was looking forward to running away to SLC this weekend BUT I can't do that now. I REALLY don't want to go to my ward but I don't think Heavenly Father will be pleased if I miss it for the reason I want to miss church.
My friend Vai and I did Mo Bettah's Steak for lunch. I don't like their chicken katsu. L & L is waaay better. Their teriyaki chicken however is to die for and what I should've ordered.
I bought speakers for my soundless desktop and NOTHING!!! I'm going to have to convince Dale or Chris to make a house call.

After going to bed I tried to go to sleep but I kept thinking about what was bugging me for several weeks before and is bothering me AGAIN-and how I prayed about it when I went to the temple and then my epiphany later which was awesome but also told me exactly what I wanted. Can I really trust an answer if it is exactly what I want? It was sooo powerful and I can't deny what I was told BUT then the adversary can appear as an angel of light and deceive even the very elect. I may not have my calling and election made sure but I definitely consider myself one of the very elect. Even as I write this I still have hope that it is real. Still-after I emailed my friend I felt much better and I was finally able to go to sleep. That doesn't give me ANY hope but it is as real as my earlier epiphany and the most recent answer is always what we should adhere to following.
Faith and following the spirit can be very difficult because the spirit is so sensitive and inextricably tied to our emotions. There's always that moment when you have to step into the dark before you are rewarded with the light. I feel like I stepped into the dark but that the light never came. I feel like part of me dies inside every time I'm confronted with what bothers me.
I'm going to just avoid the situation now because I can't handle it. I'm making a conscious effort to strengthen myself spiritually. I'm giving myself a 2-week vacation from what's bothering me. I hope at the end of that I'll be strong enough to just be normal again because right now I'm anything but. I know my Father in Heaven can help me with this and I know I NEED his help right now.

I read everything posted in my online Thesis discussion forum. EVERY step is broken down and the result is a minimum of 30 pages. I REALLY need to take advantage of having the state librarian here next month at the Cache Valley Library Association meeting we're holding at Logan City Library. I can interview her as well as many of the other librarians that'll attend our meeting. I looove how everything's come together with that. I've been compiling a list of public high schools, middle schools, and elementary schools and recording the names of their Media Specialists/Librarians. Public schools in Utah usually don't hire MLS or MLIS individuals because they are required to pay anyone with a master's degree more. Public school librarians tend to get master's degrees AFTER employed as media specialists/librarians. I plan to invite as many as possible in person because I really believe that makes a huge difference and I'm confident it led to the great numbers we had at our initial meetings. Another thing about Directors and/or librarians in the smaller towns outside of Logan is they may not hold master's degrees either.
The Newton library for example is entirely funded through donations and has absolutely no city support. Individuals in the smaller libraries and towns sometimes work because they really believe it helps their community. I did an internship at the Herald Journal when I first moved to Logan, I remember talking to the features editor Lance Frazier about the vote for a county-wide system. He said he was for it although it didn't affect him if it didn't pass because he lived in Logan. I told him actually it DID affect him. Access to more materials through a public library certainly affects EVERYONE in a community. Libraries provide access to individuals who NEED these services.
I see a huge need for Spanish services and outreach here. With all the Spanish-speaking students I know at Stevens-Henager College I know I can do something there.
Tonight fhe featured the missionaries of our ward. There was one Elder from Provo and another from Micronesia. They talked about testimonies and asked us to share how we gained ours. They said it was hard to get a testimony. I wanted to tell them it wasn't hard for me and that I've known the truthfulness of the gospel my entire life. That doesn't discount how precious that knowledge is to me. I am grateful and NOOO I'm NOT brainwashed. That doesn't mean choices haven't been difficult or that I haven't had challenges. I can't lie though and say I struggled when I never struggled with that. My parents taught me and I recognized the truth. I don't have a miraculous testimony story although miracles in my life have abounded.
I don't know why I haven't had that struggle. I don't wish it was any other way. I love my life exactly how it has happened. Bishop challenged all of us to learn our standing before the Lord. He implied that we are much greater than we suppose. Our RS sisters were asked to write things that we stuggled with. The list was apalling to me and made me wonder if most of the sisters need professional mental help. I wrote that I need to conquer my financial problems but I feel like I have now although the process to pay my debt off isn't done yet, I feel like I've done everthing in my power to overcome this.
I feel really good about myself-I think instead of telling me how great I am the Lord will tell me to calm down and work on my weaknesses more since I think I'm amazing. I know I have many imperfections but I really do think that. I don't know why I have all that confidence. I know I always have to be careful not to let that turn into pride. I know my divine worth as a child of God and as someone the Savior chose to give the atonement to even though we as a world and a people caused him to weep in the Pearl of Great Price because of our wickedness-he did this even when we are the only world that would crucify the Son of Man. There is something really poignant about that.
I'd like to invite some of the nonmember students that visit me all the time in the library to a missionary fireside Sunday but I need to let the spirit guide me with that. Some of the guys I know have ulterior motives and I got too close to a student once before. I constantly need to assess that and keep professional while still being a good friend and member-missionary. I love missionary work so much. There are very few things I love more.
My novel writing's definitely in full force tonight.

I completely wasted my weekend thanks to a Korean drama on Hulu-it's just been sooo long since I've seen one. It doesn't help that the entire drama is typically 16-18 hours long. I started Friday and didn't finish until Sunday night at 11pm. I ran a few errands Friday but didn't do ANYTHING but go downstairs and cook for myself.
Saturday I attended my ward party then continued my Korean dramathon again. Sunday I had interruptions for church and then my Tongan friend came over to chat or rather bear her testimony to me repeatedly. It was good to talk to her. I'm getting wiser however about imposing time limits. She brought me some broccoli cream soup and crackers. I just had dinner at church however so I ate it later. My friend David makes the bomb lasagna. I detest lasagna since my mission, but the ward was serving the spaghetti from the party the night before which was disgusting AND I was hungry sooo I took a big slice and I was pleasantly surprised.
So with my new time limit in place I said goodbye to my friend at 8:30pm then finished my Korean drama around 1130pm.

I'm watching this Korean Drama which I love but is really a huge waste of time. I only ventured out to attend my ward party. I don't really know how anyone can screw up spaghetti but my ward managed to do just that. We were split up into groups for-yes-games. My friend Russ was in my group. He is gorgeous and brilliant and fun. He is a great speaker and his testimony when he gave a talk in church was amazing. He knows how to speak with the spirit. Despite all these great qualities, I know he's not for me.
Russ had a non-member girlfriend I used to want to get rid of, but since I know what I do about my future now, I keep him at a distance because I could easily rationalize and ignore the spirit with him because he has many attractive qualities to me, but he's not what is best for me. I think the girlfriend is gone BUT-I trust in my Father-in-Heaven

I had to park 2 blocks away which wasn't very good but was great if that's a participation indicator. I'm in precint 2 in which I saw my Elder's Quorum president, the member from the stake presidency who gave me my temple interview, a high councilman who gave a talk in my ward AND gave blood later, the second councilor to the stake RS president and other people I didn't recognize.
It's so nice to use my desktop again. My verizon usb internet drive only worked on my laptop. I looove this AND my laptop is hooked up too!
I can completely see how people not in the church can feel disenfranchised and I wished people were more sensitive last night. There was one man who passed out flyers in his quest to become a state delegate. That didn't happen although he is LDS it was apparent he's not active because no one in the precint knew who he was and it was obvious who the individuals were that were in the same ward. They kept nominating and voting for each other. Another man wanted to be a county delegate. He worked for the county for 30+ years. One of the state delegates AND the high councilman also wanted to be a county delegate AGAIN since he served last year. The other state delegate nominated his wife so we ended up with 6 nominees and four spots. The retired county worker didn't get one because 4 obviously LDS candidates ran against him. Of course people will vote for individuals they know and the church is a wonderful organization to make that happen-I just think if we are going to fellowship people and make them feel like they belong we need to be sensitive to how we treat people who aren't members of the church and stop being so cliquish and learn to be more inclusive.
The entire caucus took FOREVER because there are specific rules and methods that must be followed. Some people left before it was completed. I stayed because I was already there so I thought I might as well stay to the end.
I'm glad I went.

Sealings were nice but I was exhausted...-I was happy when it was over. I didn't enjoy it like I feel I should have. I like it when the temple energizes me NOT when I feel like I can fall asleep at any minute. Instead of going home FINALLY and falling asleep, my modem was too much of a temptation ONLY IT DIDN'T WORK!!!
Tonight is the political caucus-Busy week!!! I'm VERY glad it's Thursday and that I don't work tomorrow-I NEED to catch up on my sleep.

Yesterday I fell asleep around 7pm but then I was wide awake at 3am. Sooo I played on Facebook and then went to sleep again and had to rush getting ready this morning. I didn't want to do this because it's ward temple night and it is going to be a looooong day for me since we're doing sealings for some of bishop's family history names.
I found out the caucus time and place for where I live yesterday. A Cache Valley Republican caucus should be interesting. I'm sooo NOT a Democrat but being here sometimes makes we want to be one. During Sunday school we were discussing secret combinations and someone that talks ALL the time shared how she and her dad discussed how some Native American tribes are extinct and how that could be because they were Gadianton robbers originally. I was sooo annoyed and ready to shoot her down BUT luckily I actually thought about what type of spirit that would bring which would be worse than her stupidity. My Navajo friend Brandon also happened to be in class when she talked about that. Secret combinations can be attributed to MANY organizations.
When I first started working here in Logan our Computer Science Dean who has his office on the second floor with me told me he could never vote for Obama because he refused to salute the flag or something during the pledge of allegiance. I thought SERIOUSLY???!!! What about issues? Their political philosophy? The role they think government should play???!!!
My other friend at work told several inappropriate jokes about Obama right before staff meeting calling him Osama and other stuff. I DID NOT vote for Obama although I like that he's black and from Hawaii. It was John Stewart in reverse. Obama's state of the union address didn't even make the front page of the local paper The Herald Journal.
I bought Bush's biography Decision Points for our library BUT I also bought Obama's The Audacity of Hope. I'm ONLY going to this caucus tomorrow BECAUSE the first presidency said to go AND the bishop AND stake president spoke about the high price that was paid for the freedom we enjoy. I'm sure people there will be surprised that someone who isn't white is attending.
I seriously need to work on my attitude. Why do I ALWAYS have to work on this??? Why am I at this point??? I'm not sure how to renew the freshness and optimism everywhere. I know I'm jaded BUT I don't like that because when you are too jaded your attitude becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want optimism, I don't want to be naive either though. I have a lot of preconceived notions I need to lose. I haven't been to ANY type of political gathering in a looong time. I know part of the reason why we are counseled to write in our journals is because it helps us focus our thoughts and identify areas we can improve. How do I change this?
I'm going to just focus on doing the stuff I know I should like more meaningful prayers, reading the latest conference issue talks and scriptures. All of that increases hope which is adverse to pessimism. It's all I can think about doing to overcome this now.

I found myself falling into sarcasm last night. I hate that. I don't like how it makes me feel. I should've stayed at fhe last night. There were nice people there and no one who gets on my nerves was there which was VERY nice for a change-but that's my problem-So why did I leave? Cookies are always a good thing but the cookies were kind of gross. No that's not why I left either. I really don't know.
It's weird knowing what I do now because it puts everything else into perspective. There's so much I can do to make this better. I'm really trying. I guess it's pretty naive of me to think this would be easy. Anything worthwhile never has been for me. I think the best thing about my epiphany is that it's like a certified used car only Heavenly Father certified something to me so I know it warrants my serious attention. AND I think a certified NEW car is a better description. Anything with God's stamp of approval is good enough for me. I know there are many things I can't see and that given time I will come to know its true value.
I need to completely have my finances in order and become a fitness freak ASAP. I want those things to happen B4 anything I know becomes real.

There's something that's been bothering me a lot these past few weeks so I prayed about it the last time I was at the temple Saturday night. My answer was what I wanted but I still didn't know if I was supposed to do anything about that or even if I could or should.
Laaater last night, like at 2am in the morning I had major illumination that was very nice and detailed exacty how I wanted it to be. Sooo I was up until 4am rereading my patriarchal blessing and trying to figure out what I need to do-this actually means I have A LOT of work to do so I am going to get on that ASAP!!!

I am going to write about the MBA degree itself and how it can serve the librarian or someone with an MLS. This is completely self-serving BUT will give me the impetus to write the many-paged thing I'll have to complete.
I've already found several articles!!! I can also propose giving a survey to a bunch of library directors in Utah-that will be the new innovative research part that is essential with thesis writing. Becoming a library director with a system paying a 6-figure salary is my goal!
Whatever I end up doing I need to love it like I love my job right now. Meeting requirements while being allowed to execute innovative programs I want to explore makes ALL the difference in the world. Being a library Director is great even if it is in my teeny library!!!

I didn't think it still mattered to me what someone's political views R BUT it does-and not just a little. That was a HUGE problem with my friend David 15 years ago. I'm jaded and I haven't been politically active for a few years BUT this still makes a big difference to me.
I'm about done with my MBA and that feels great!!! I also finished paying off one of my payday loans today which also feels incredible and will give me an extra 120 a month that may not seem like much but feels like a lot to me right now.

Sushi???!!! Hell YES!!!

I'm at work and am glad I didn't have to unbury my car for my laaate-3pm lunch. Coordination meetng didn't get out until then and I was just busy, busy, busy. I had to edit 2 student's papers. I didn't mind before until they gave me regular hours at the academic success center without paying me anything extra. My Dean keeps wanting me to teach classes other than the information literacy sessions. NOOO NOT if my salary stays where it is now. I'm glad my brother worked here before. I know my company enjoys allocating additional responsibilities, what I don't want is this continuing to happen without sufficient compensation. I'll edit for some of my friends but NOT repeatedly AND I've done it enough that I expect to be compensated WELL. Some students take a LOT of work AND I'm just not willing to do that anymore unless I get paid sufficiently for my time and expertise.
I used to edit instructor profiles for my friend Tiffany at work. I was VERY clear when I did that the first time that I didn't want ANYONE knowing I did that. BUT she still asked me if I would proof read something for the fair our medical students were handing out. I refused and told her once I had a job where I helped edit work and it started to become ridiculous because EVERYONE would give me their work to review. It would've been fine if a nice fat salary went along with that but it didn't. Sooo I vowed NEVER to get in that situation again and I haven't.
Today she came to the library looking for books on proofreading. If her hope was I'd volunteer, she needs to lose that mentality real quick.