Urban Poly Princess

I am really grateful for the Accelerated Job Search program at Sugarhouse. I can't believe how beneficial it is and I wanted to do the program a year ago at Welfare Square. When I expressed my desire then the director advised me not to do it. Their clientele is veeery different. At Welfare square the other people in the job workshop included a homeless woman, a woman returning to work after years of being at home and some guy who also did some other menial-type job before that.

This group is much better. One of the women is trained in speech pathology, another woman has her bachelor degree in social work. One of the men finished his MBA from the U. This single mom is seeking a marketing job. She is incredible with her me-in-30-seconds and simply sharing and telling about herself.

Saratoga Springs Library is looking for someone to be a volunteer event specialist. She coordinates many different volunteers and I called and will dazzle them with this. It is a fun opportunity that doesn't require a whole lot and I am looking forward to doing that asap. I am at the Sandy Library now. There is a job fair at the LDS employment services I am going to attend to increase my contact numbers.

My temple day. I am out of contact solution. I hate my glasses but I always get compliments when I wear them. My coordinator went on about how beautiful I am. She is so funny she called me the temple model. Another girl in initiatory told me I was very pretty. The last time I wore glasses one of the younger ordinance workers told me I was gorgeous. I need those comments when I have to wear my glasses because I feel like I look like a dog.

My next series this time is from Showtime. My young white Adonis friend with the golden curls copied the first 2 seasons for me before I left to work in Logan. He is such a sweetheart. His name is Dave Moon and I credit him with making me even consider someone white. Younger white men are more into ethnic looking make up wearing women. The mousey white men come out of the woodwork to flirt with me when I wear my glasses and no makeup but that isn't who I am at all. My mother is on one of her trips right now. She is mad at me because I told her I wanted a Mercedes. She wants me to just work anywhere. I told her I am not going to just get a job someone will just fire me from. She doesn't care. She blames me because I didn't shut up at my last job. I told her I'm not going to lie. She is angry at me for not having money. I get that. I have never tried so hard in my life before to get a job before. The last thing I need is my mother yelling at me. I found out my surgeon friend is actually a pharmacist. He is a sweet gentleman and I think he's an ordinance worker too. Why don't I got there? Actually although I don't want to wait to develop a relationship with someone I don't want to force it either and I do want a job at least. I saw Sina at the library and I told her I don't have a job. She actually asked me if I didn't want to work. Nigga please. I don't want to apply for where my mother's visiting teacher works Nooo because they'll probably just fire me. I am going to work the LDS employment program and substitute teach to bring in quick cash. I hope my check comes today.

It occurred to me yesterday that I was waiting to get a job before working at the temple. I don't want to try to get to know anyone better either but that is stupid when it is supposed to be the most important thing in my life. I feel like I've been psychotic for a little over a year. There is no way in hell I will consider anyone unemployed but I expect them to consider me but since I don't intend to be the breadwinner anyway it shouldn't matter as much. I want to freeze my eggs now. I wonder how much that costs. I wonder how the church feels about surrogate motherhood. All these things freak me out. I want to try myself but I wonder if getting a surrogate who is younger and healthier wouldn't be better. Actually I need to be at my healthiest so I am best prepared for that. While there are many things I can't do, there are many things I can.

My phone rang and I lost the big post I wrote on here. When you type on your phone which is tougher it disappears if you don't post it. This morning my mother gave me a chocolate recipe book. I had my interview with the accelerated job search advisors at LDS employment. I like that there specific things for you to do each day to actively look for employment.

Sinia wanted to take me to lunch at Kings Buffet in Taylorsville. I went but now I don't have money to put more gas in my car. I'm going to start as soon as I get that check. I hope that is tomorrow but it could be as late as early next week.

I finished the last season of True Blood.

I was waiting to get a job before I began working at the temple.

I am more comfortable moving here than DC. It is closer, has all the cultural things I like and it doesn't snow. I've always wanted to move to DC and my niece is serving there now. Coincidence? Perhaps not. Whatever it is or isn't I'm going to go to the library and apply for at least 3 jobs and print copies of my resume for my accelerated job search interview tomorrow with LDS employment.

There is a sister in my ward named Jessica who needs us to fast for her for help finding a job. Cara texted me to see if I wanted them to help fast for me too. I said of course I would appreciate that help. She needs to find one or she has to move. I'll have to move sort of too.There's an adjunct composition teacher position I'd love at Broadmoor university in West Jordan. Wait a second, I just realized I interviewed for a librarian position there. If I have to interview with the same lady I'm fine with that. 

I found public librarian jobs in California for 32 an hour Hawaii rates are about the same as Utah but with a substantially higher cost of living.

I served in Sacramento but I'm trying to decide between that and LA. DC is where I've wanted to live for a long time and it would be a completely new experience. There are so many libraries and museums there. I think I would like it there a lot.

Damn autocorrect. I was talking to this sweet girl Jenny yesterday at our Mingle. She's the one who suggested looking out of state. I do love California. As much as she drives me crazy I don't exactly want to leave my mother. She is such a packrat and I want to get rid of a lot of junk before she dies and I have twice as much to get rid of. Jenny told me the smores night was so dark she couldn't see her marshmallow roasting. I am too used to those Tongan dances I grew up with all the lights on. I've been to enough darkened dances in Hawaii and here to handle darkened dance floors but really I'd rather meet someone and get to know them better in the light. Jenny said she meet this guy from Bountiful 8th that had a PhD and told her he wanted someone with a master's degree. I want that too but I don't go around saying that. I asked her what his Doctorate was in and she told me sociology but that his social skills were seriously lacking. Cara told me Spencer was there. He was at our Mingle but I had no desire to talk to him at all. So much for being interested in anyone. California is very attractive to me although I see my mother really struggle on her social security. I want to get a normal librarian job now so I can help her just with her basic living expenses. With me living here with her it hasn't been easy for her. Living without the internet has sucked so much for me and now that cable is just in her room it really sucks. That has led to my watching so many HBO series. I am watching True Blood now. I'm on the 5th season now. I started with the 3rd and I have the 6th and 7th checked out already too. There's a children's Librarian 18 hour opening with the city. One day it would be fabulous if they offered me a Damn interview.

I got to church just fine. Bishop filled out  recommendation paper for LDS employment services intense job searching program where they intensely searching each day together. It will be good to fine tune my skills although I still want a librarian job. I don't want to have to work in another field. This sweet girl suggested I widen my search and begin looking out of state. George said the same thing. It is definitely time. I haven't heard from East Millcreek but the time to search is now. I wanted to stay here for the social aspect but I can't have one if I can't make basic money to pay even the tiniest bills. I definitely need to make money and oily don't want to have to change my entire career. Salt Lake is a great library state even if no one wants to consider me. Maybe I have to leave to find my husband. Maybe that's why this entire year has been hell. California is calling me. I can Sooo live without the snow.

My sweet relief society president Cara took me to lunch for my birthday next week. She is such a sweetheart and I love Indian food.

Last night we had a regional smores midsingle activity. I drove there but I kept thinking of how much I hated wearing my tennis shoes to attend a smores activity in some outdoor location. I want to meet more guys but if I hate the activity I shouldn't have to force myself. It feels like when I lived in Logan and I'd force myself to try to have fun eventually I did find some degree of joy but it was something I had to keep on working on. I started walking there and I noticed how far it was away and it was dark and the location was ridiculous. I didn't finish walking there.

Instead I went home and thought about how I just wasted money driving to Holladay. The temple was perfect today.

Cara wanted to know if I was feeling anyone in the ward. I told her I liked Spencer's qualities but I'm missing that attraction spark. I probably do like him since I think about him. I just want that spark is that too much to ask?

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. George told me I should apply out of state. I just always knew my husband would need to live here to serve the church the way he's going to have to do that. It's why I'm trying to build my life here. George talked about moving to Vegas. I only like that because I want to be married in the Vegas temple and have an Elvis themed wedding to go along with that.

I wonder how hard it will be to convince my future husband to do that. There are many things I like about utah. I think I'd enjoy living in California more. I applied for a job yesterday and one today with the Church History Library. Time will tell. I feel better but something has to change.

I read my scriptures yesterday. It's my first small step to conquer this funk I'm in. I read again this morning too. It's not difficult especially with all the apps out there. I finished season 4 of Game of Thrones last night. I'm still not sure what I think about it. It reminds me of Lord of the Rings only not as good. The battle scenes never seem to end. It reminds me of most of Ether filled with battles and persistent power plays. Extremely stratified societies will always be a problem. Cara sent me a message telling me the Salt Lake school district is hiring for a number of things. I just don't want to try anymore and certainly not where my niece Nakita is the director of continuing education. My last job felt like same huge slap in the face, it didn't matter how long or how hard I had been actively searching for a job, getting fired on the third day was a reminder that effort didn't matter one bit.

My mother told me she saw on the news that there are over a hundred jobs that can't be filled in aerospace engineering. She said it was too bad I didn't major in that. While I love math I love people more. I want to be a working librarian but other than that I need to work in training and or real estate asap. I want that librarian job at East Millcreek  but I also know it's anyone's position. I am taking my break now from all of this but I don't feel good unless I'm actively progressing spiritually physically and professionally and I know i can progress professionally with or without a job

I am going to continue to actively pray and fast about this. I am such a defeatist and I know I'm not doing myself any favors.

Today I had my interview at the East Millcreek Library. I love Suzanne. Steve the Manager of the Holladay library was there too. I can never read him. Anytime I'd work there I couldn't tell if he was happy with or displeased with the job I did. I'm on a consideration list with the County. After being fired from the crappy credit analyst job I feel so defeated and numb. I'm not working out, eating well, reading my scriptures or having the prayers I should be having now. I haven't applied for anything new and it's just because I'm on the County list that I'm being considered for anything. I don't want to try anymore. I am grateful I was paid anything just so I could have some sort of reprieve from searching for a job. I hate it so much. I only go to the temple because I work there and church because I know i need to take the sacrament. If I didn't have those things interviews, the temple and church I wouldn't go anywhere. I went to fhe because no one would sign up to bring tortilla chips and then they didn't even put out what I brought.

It feels like nothing I do matters. I know that's not true but I have no evidence to the contrary. It takes me 6 minutes to get to the East Millcreek Library. It would be fabulous to work there. I feel forsaken and forgotten although at the same time I know that isn't true either. I don't have hope for anything. Fhe was west coast swing. I love dancing and it is something I could really get into. I like zumba better however. I feel like I'm a shell, like nothing meaningful is going on. My future is bleak and all hope is gone. I don't know why I always fall into despondency at 2 to 3 in the morning. I watch all these dvds to pass time, so I can focus on something else besides the sucky reality that is mine. I saw Spencer there although he didn't attend the dance portion. I asked him about that and he told me he doesn't like dancing. I asked him what he liked and he said Netflix. I told him that could be tedious. He didn't even look at me when I said that.
I  just thought shy software engineer the challenge part of me wants to do something about that but really why. Do I want someone who wants to watch Netflix for fun? Nooo even with his comedic skills and his spiritual rock trait that sets him apart. It isn't enough and I'm not going out of my way for anyone like that. He is hilarious in front of groups. His one-on-one skills however, at least with me suck.

I'm almost done season 3 of games of thrones. I watched season 1 and 2. I also have season 4 checked out and ready to watch. I thought I was tired but I ended up doing this. I know if I exercised I'd release endorphins that would make me feel better. Reading the scriptures and praying draws me closer to my Savior but I don't want to do these things I know work. I just don't want to do anything.

I completely forgot about my retirement account. I decided to throw away paper and get rid of all the junk I still have when I came across some mail. I have 1600 and I will be penalized for cashing out now but I am also extremely grateful. I also called the Dmv to see how long I have to carry the sr22 and June was the last month. I got Geico earlier but when I called to get a refund and rate change they wouldn't do it so I called my old insurance who will be 68 a month after an initial. $25 payment. I am very happy about that. Now I just need my normal job.

I believe in goodness and kindness and even in joy. I will keep trying but gathering strength and enthusiasm is tough to muster. As I write this I feel stupid, entitled and weak. I will keep going and I know this will pass. It is just taking forever.

I can relate more to Laman and Lemuel now than to Nephi. I don't like that but that doesn't change how I feel. I do a lot of complaining, a lot of murmuring.

I have no motivation and I know i need to keep trying. I just feel like what I do doesn't matter. I did everything I can think of to get a job ANY job and nothing I did worked. Unless I find a job I'm qualified for small minds will just let me go.

I don't get why this is happening and why there seems to be no end in sight. I know George had bigger problems I know many people have bigger challenges.

I am grateful I don't have a family to support but my mother and I argue all the time over money.

Alright, maybe not. This morning I went to the IRS office to speak to someone in person since the IRS sent me 2 certified letters about how they're going to garnish my wages since I haven't paid my taxes. THAT IS HARD TO DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY WAGES!!! They put my taxes on a non-collectible status. I read my old blog entry from when I first started my job in Logan. I loooved it AND that was before I was able to find an apartment in Logan.

Since my last experience of getting fired on my third day because of their manufactured reasons or because I made the mistake of simply catching up with my old friend Levi. I have paid my insurance and drive when I am able. Despite that I haven't been searching for a job like I should. I don't want to work anywhere that doesn't see my qualifications as a disadvantage. My temp agency and people have recommended I don't share what I've done in the past. REALLY???!!! Lie???!!! I hope my East Millcreek interview in Holladay goes as well as I am hoping it will proceed.

I like Suzanne and I worked for her a lot. She is a great manager. They were renovating the old library and they put her over the Smith Library. I think Sarah is there now. I can't wait to see the new library. It was so dated. The other library on the other side of Holladay needs a serious facelift too. The decor was stuck in the 70s.

I've been wasting a bunch of time watching DVDs from the library that include the HBO show Big Love. It features this guy who looks like Steve a whole lot. He is a Polygamist who lives in Salt Lake City. He could be Steve's brother the resemblance is huge. I just wanted a break from the whole applying desperately for a job, any job. I see the stupidity in that BUT I still need money to live. I can't help it if the jobs I want haven't hired me. I've done everything professionally to get hired. I don't get it and I still have to keep at it.

I didn't prepare for my last youth services interview. It is the 7th or 8th youth services interview I've had. I'd enjoy it but I'd much rather work in regular adult services and that is what East Millcreek is. Both are full-time and both pay the same amount.

George and Alisa came over to visit on Sunday evening. It was good. He made me feel better instead of worse. He told me how when he had the 2 biggest girls and he was anxiously job hunting. He found a job and bought a van he'd need to get to and from work. He was fired for reasons they were never clear with him about. He said it was so tough for him and that I am lucky it is just me and I can still live with my mother.

They came over because he said they felt impressed to  tell me and mom to start reading the Book of Mormon together. He said he could sense we weren't getting along. Sooo true. She is old and I shouldn't let her get to me as much as I do. I know she loves me very much. She knows how to press those buttons so well however. I do too. Not a great combination.

I'm only driving to interviews or church right now. No activities until I have a regular source of income. I still can't believe this is my experience.

Cyndi the West Valley manager contacted me to see if I wanted to interview for a youth services position. Yesterday Suzanne Tronier West called to see if I wanted to interview for a full-time public services librarian position.

This is old and should've been posted days ago. I am going to get ready then go and complete my tax stuff at the Irs office.

Until I get a job I feel good about at the very least in my field or making the money I should be making right now, I don't feel good getting to know anyone better. How am I struggling so much now. I've felt like crying for almost a year. How is that healthy? Until basic needs are meet how can progression occur. Even my physical goals have been derailed again and again. How and when do I attend activities to meet new people. I just need one spiritual rock who I can stand physically. Spencer or someone like him would be fine. He reminds me of Sean Reyes who is extremely charismatic and attractive if you hear them speak. They are both capable leaders. Something I also really like very much. How can my social life be my priority when simply paying for my basic necessities is difficult.

I got a certified letter from the Irs saying they are going to put a lien on my property. I don't have anything and I don't have a job for them to garnish anything either. I went to the library to exchange dvds since that is my only form of entertainment now. I also got on the Irs site. I've tried to call many times without success. I did find alternative numbers for the local branch. When I first moved to Draper I walked half an hour just to catch the bus. I Sooo wish I was joking. I am going to catch the same bus from the Sandy Civic Center but the walk to Elwood Staffing is 5 minutes from the bus stop. I am going to get my insurance tomorrow then I am Never going to ever be in that situation again. I can't wait to drive again. I'm almost done with the mandatory Sr22 that hikes my insurance up. The risk is just too big for me.

That is how I'm feeling and that is why I'm too freaked out to drive to Draper to get my checkcard. At least it'll be convenient to pay for my insurance online. I didn't think I'd make the switch so soon. I need to find out for sure when I can get my checkcard.

Spencer was very charismatic at church. He is hilarious. When I feel better about myself I will get to know him better. He is spiritual, I can tell. It feels like everything I touch turns to hell. Why is this happening. What is so wrong about wanting a job. Can't I have anything? Why do I even try? Why do i bother questioning that? Men are that they might have joy. Where the hell is the joy? Again I haven't heard from Ben Maxwell from Sirsidynix. I've been in some phase of their rather long interview process since June.

No I'm not going to ward temple night. I know that's when I need it most. But I am feeling weak and crappy. I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself and watching some Korean movie since I don't have a drama I'd rather watch. Foreign films are just so much grittier and I like that.

I downloaded the appropriate version of Adobe so I can email stuff with my electronic signature. It would be nice to work for Elwood again just because I'm paid weekly. Funny with all that's gone on I still feel like I should keep my morning temple shift. We have ward temple night tonight at 7pm. If I can get up early and take Frontrunner to work I can certainly take Trax to the temple.

I need to find out when my SR-22 requirement is done. I think I'm about finished. That'll make my insurance even cheaper. Geico quoted me 73.00 which is more than the eighty something I'm paying but not much less. I emailed my timecard filled out appropriately this time. I might see if George can go and pick up my bankcard Friday. Otherwise I'll have to do it. Not that I can't go and get it especially now in time to be insured by Saturday so I can work my early morning temple shift. I'm going to catch the bus home since it's free and right outside this place. This really is a fantastic store. Clean bathrooms and lots of tables with free fast internet. The library internet is too slow.

Friday I'll get my Geico insurance and figure out this other stuff too. I have to apply for a few jobs now too. It never ends.

I prayed several times about trading my shift but each time I haven't felt like I should do it but I have to drive with my shift and I'm only getting 360.00 for my 3 days of work. I thought I'd finally have enough to take care of my negative bank balance. At the very least I wanted enough to pay my real estate and broker fees so I at least can use the license I spent Christmas alone to study for and had to drive all the way back to Logan because I forgot an ID. My mother is back on her trip again of me not being where the Lord wants me to be or why else would I be in this living hell back to feeling sorry for myself. What are the chances I'd work with Levi and what are the chances we'd discuss all these things in front of his manager and then what are the chances this would offend him enough to speak to my manager. I haven't read my scripture s as much with my stupid schedule but really.

I was happy to find Levi at work but the first thing :) e said to me was I didn't think this was your field. I told him it was hard to place unemployed librarians. He wanted to know how I found Merrick Bank and I told him I was placed there by my temp agency. Then I told him they were just desperate for someone. Levi told me his manager was sitting there and I didn't think much of it. I told him it was only my second day and I needed to get back to my work since again it was only my first day. I told Levi I got my MBA to supplement my library career. YES ALL IN FRONT OF HIS MANAGER. I'm sure he, wasn't amused but I wasn't trying to be offensive I was just catching up with a friend. I know it got back to my manager who didn't talk to me today although I did exchange words with my team leader. Wow I thought my days of applying and interviewing were over. How did this even happen. The human resource guy Ben Maxwell hasn't answered me at all. That is the job I really want that I would have no intention of leaving.