Urban Poly Princess

I was able to get everything my new wonderful attorney needed to file my bankruptcy AND STOP the damn garnishment. I filed a chapter 13 which means my debts will be consolidated to one manageable payment a month UNDER 200. YES, I like that VERY much. I'm not sure why they kept encouraging me to file a 7. I was the idiot that got myself into this mess and I DO want to pay it back but with the outrageous interest rates of the payday loans I had it would never happen. My brother was appalled at the relatively low amount of debt I have BUT I was taking more payday loans just to pay the other ones and I know that was crazy. I wish credit counseling had worked but this way although my credit is shot, at least I can breathe again and plan better for the future. He thinks I should AT LEAST be working 2 jobs. Of course he is working everywhere imaginable to support his family of 9 children with he and Alisa that makes 11. Nate and Noke graduated today and they have a party tomorrow. I love my family. I like attending their events and doing whatever to make them feel special. I know I have a fun family and I'm grateful for them. It was fun to meet my crazy California cousins. William is a DJ and used to mix stuff for the Jets. He did the sound for their charity concert. George used to be a DJ too. I like how talented so many people are in the family. George used to teach computer science at BYU-Hawaii. Brent used to teach ESL there AND he finished his PhD from UCLA a few years ago. My uncle Inoke STILL teaches Psychology at BYU-Hawaii. I looove that about my family too. I guess what I love the most is the gospel. There are few who haven't served missions or been married in the temple. When I went on my mission it wasn't something unusual, many of my family members had done the same AND it continues. I looove that. I love my Polynesian heritage that encourages us to celebrate and meet together to socialize and support each other. Baptisms, blessings, weddings, holidays, graduations, funerals, mission farewells and homecomings. ALL R cause for celebration. What I also love about my family is no one goes into debt to celebrate these different occassions. We are all traditional enough to want to gather and celebrate BUT we don't do it at the expense of anything else. That isn't widely practiced in my Tongan community, especially here. It's worse in California. They don't do that in Tonga, so why the need to get ridiculous here? It can be like a competition ALTHOUGH who or what people are competing for is a mystery to me. The Polynesian groups are very cliquish here too. In Hawaii the groups mix freely. Here Tongans stick to Tongan circles and Samoans do likewise. More people are getting advanced degrees which is great now, still finding an intelligent AND spiritual AND fine Tongan man is NOT happening AND I can honestly say I've NEVER found this combination. My friend David long ago came close BUT he'd always tell me how we were intellectually, spiritually, physically AND culturally compatible BUT I always thought uh NOOO NOT intellectually. He has a PhD BUT it DOESN'T mean I've EVER felt intellectually compatible with him. Of course I wasn't going to say well you actually aren't as smart as me. Spiritually, physically, and culturally he was EVERYTHING I wanted. BUT-he was sooo ethnocentric. He bought into the "I am an oppressed minority Tongan man who needs to challenge every damn thing." People aren't always out to get you, I don't think people are intentionally racist all the time. I think people are sheltered and need to get out more. People need to realize AND NOT ASSUME someone is stupid JUST BECAUSE THEY AREN'T WHITE. His liberal political views were reprehensible to me. His sister is sweet and does a lot to help the Polynesian community in Salt Lake City BUT every time I see her or her her spout off she reminds me of David AND it just GRATES on me. My current friend David is NOT culturally compatible with me BUT he has everything else. He can REALLY annoy me too however. I hope we can be friends again. I'm just not very motivated to even try right now. He has repeatedly treated me like crap which cancels out all his great qualities and although they are amazing and rare, everything else can be extremely unattractive.

I was interested to see how this would go and it went fine. They gave a good lesson. Maybe Josh was just preoccupied last Sunday or the Sunday before that-which is fine. I'm just a little guarded now but I always am anyway. It was alright. Nothing strange happened. I asked my brother to help me pay my attorney the $800 to get my bankruptcy case filed. I am sick of the garnishment ESPECIALLY when I need money NOW. He advised me to consult with an attorney he knows. The attorney kept wanting me to file a chapter 7 but he reffered me to someone who said he'll file my 13 in the next day or two to stop the garnishment on my future checks AND charge me just $400. I'm sooo grateful for his help. I know I'm getting an amazing deal. I can't wait until this process is done so I can start working to pay this off already. I feel like I did when I completed credit counseling. I can actually see a light up ahead in the tunnel. Sooo I'm not going to worry about the bill in SLC and I'm not going to Nate and Noke's party, BUT I'll be alright because I'll SAVE money instead!!! I know my Father in Heaven is helping me get through this. I love how we can always get help and assistance even when we make stupid choices. Heavenly Father always wants the best for us. Tonight in our lesson Josh talked about Elder Ballard's conference talk. He said it was a great reminder to work now to have the family we want. I told him I agreed with that completely and that people sometimes talk about what they'll do when they get married or what they'll do when they have a family BUT I know that how we behave and live now is how we will behave and live AFTER we get married. We aren't going to magically change all of a sudden.

I'm sooo grateful for my family which includes my extended family. There is no word for cousin in Tongan-these are called brothers and sisters. I'm thinking of going back to SLC to pay a bill tonight but then I'll miss my hometeachers who emailed if they could visit tonight but never did get back to me. The county executive is supposed to call me back with my interview time which I'd like to know since if I just drive back to SLC tomorrow I can be there for Nate and Noke's graduation party Friday night although it'll be really stupid to drive there and return just for an interview if they schedule it for Friday during the day-that'll take maybe half an hour. I told them I wouldn't be there but I forgot about my check protection thing which will let me take out up to 750 with a $20 fee B4 my paycheck. If I had this when I took out my first payday loan I NEVER would've been in the financial hell I'm in now. Sooo I can pay my bill Thursday night, stay in SLC for the party on Friday night then return to Logan Saturday. GRRR..... I just talked to my brother. He wants me to get another job and to teach online. He teaches for 3 different schools online. Phoenix, DeVry, and Corinth. He also teaches part time at Stevens-Henager College in Murray and works full time for Zions Bank.

Cache County Executive Lynn Lemon who I contacted on my own when I found out the Director of the Cache Valley County Library was leaving called me to see if I could meet with he and Kathy Robison the Head of the Library Board sometime this week. I'm sooo excited. The only thing I see preventing me from getting the job is if they think I can't do both AND I CAN!!! I certainly need the money and I would definitely welcome the challenge. It would be sooo good for my career if I got it. My heart is in public libraries and this would be an incredible start. It would mean working in the valley another couple of years BUT the experience would be invaluable AND I could get a better job easily with that experience. I could and would just stay at Logan Stevens-Henager College. I do love my job there. If I did that I'd complete my MBA-obligation to SHC right in Logan. When I finish 2 years it will also be enough time spent at Cache Valley Library system. Job-hunting will be that much easier. I started looking at other options in SLC and even San Diego since California College of San Diego is our sister school. SLC Stevens-Henager means I could live rent-free with my mother. San Diego rent ran from what I looked at between 1500-2000 a month-ONLY moving there with a SIGNIFICANT pay increase!!!

I went to my cousin Noe's house on Sunday to borrow her musubi maker since I left mine in Logan-the whole reason why I wanted to make musubi is BECAUSE I bought a case of spam over a month ago. Of course I leave the spam, Aloha Soy Sauce AND musubi maker. Sooo I get to buy that stuff all over again in SLC. Noe's musubi maker was HORRIBLE. It's a double-maker so it's SUPPOSED to be faster BUT I had to cut the rice in the middle which kept falling apart FINALLY I went to an Asian store that sold the musubi forms. It would've cost about $2 in Hawaii BUT I had to spend 6.99-of course I didn't have cash on me AND I had to find something else to buy since if I used my card I needed to spend at least $10. I made 30 but they were GONE by the time I made my plate. ANYWAY-Noe and I were talking about the weird things in our family. I related a story that's had a huge impact on me. The last time I saw my dad's youngest brother was about 3 years ago in Provo. He was a mission president in Papua New Guinea and a stake president twice. When I lived in Tonga one of my friends gave me a pig for my birthday. Alright I was 10-what did I need or want with a pig? I was gracious especially when my dad told me it was a significant AND valuable gift. Did I visit my pig or treat him like a pet? NOOO-It was allowed to wander in our yard which in Tonga was huge enough to create a grass tennis court when we wanted. Our neighbor at the time ate the pig. Everyone knew it was my pig. It's pretty sad that he and his wife were hungry enough to actually kill and eat it. Later I heard my uncle beat him up because of it. My dad's brother Kingi lives in Provo. He and his youngest brother Lehonitai had dinner at my brother's house. We were sitting there talking to him and I brought up the pig incident to see if we could hear more about the story. He said he was holding a "torch"(flashlight) when he asked my neighbor if it was true he ate Pua's pig. He said he didn't wait for an answer and brought the flashlight up to his face. He talked about how the blood ran down his arm. He and my other uncle just laughed. My brother and I were in shock and changed the subject as quickly as we could. Later when my brother and I were discussing it later when he said that's why it's good we don't judge people and that people will be judged according to their knowledge and understanding. George met this Samoan guy who served under my uncle Tai in Papua New Guinea when he was mission president. He worked in the office. One day a missionary from somewhere here went to see him since he was feeling homesick and didn't want to work. The Samoan missionary said my uncle physically threw him out of the office and told him to go and work. I believe my brother. Noe's husband Brent heard us discussing this and couldn't resist saying that we had the scriptures and how people could learn from that. He quickly left the room however and I think he regretted saying anything. Brent was raised in Clearfield with very traditional LDS parents. My uncle wasn't raised the way he was AT ALL. My grandfather was sent to New Zealand from Tonga to attend school when this was extremely rare. This allowed him to teach high school in Tonga AND send his children to school out of the country. My dad's oldest brother even went to BYU-Idaho. My uncle Tai was a twin. The youngest twins were spoiled very much. Tai's twin died when he was either 11 or 12. My dad told me after this happened the spoiling became even worse. If he didn't want to go to school after this my grandfather let him stay home. My uncle is the only sibling to serve a mission in my dad's immediate family. He did not like a transfer the mission president gave him so he contacted my grandfather who told him to leave his mission and come home. My grandfather was also a bishop. Despite this he would hit my grandmother. My dad used to walk over an hour with his mother to her home village when this happened. My dad told me all of his brothers have hit their wives. He never did because he hated seeing his dad do that. He always told me when I get married that I should work at all my problems EXCEPT if someone ever hits me. Once he interferred when his dad was hitting his mother but my grandmother talked to him and told him to NEVER do that. Sooo this is how my uncle was raised. There is no way he would see physical violence as wrong unless someone specifically told him this. His role models were violent. Scripture is filled with violence. I don't think it supports Brent's comments. Ammon cut off arms. Nephi chops off Laban's head to get the brass plates. Hitting someone pales in comparison to that. I was hit as was my brother although my mother jumped in to interfere all the time with that. I had friends that couldn't sit down after being physically punished. I never had bruises but I've had many friends that have. Many Polynesian families could get charged with physical abuse. That's a whole other issue. My family is goofy and crazy but I love them all very much. I appreciate the variety in my life that has allowed me the chance to consider diverse angles to everything. Things are never as simple as the surface, there is always so much more.

I tried this last night with the plan to drive to SLC after work today Of course this was when I would be making my freezer jam-LAST NIGHT finishing my laundry AND making sure my house is spotless. I HAAATE returning home to anything dirty ESPECIALLY when I've been out of town. I just found out they laid off our PSY101 teacher and academic coaches. I am sooo lucky. I'm not sure exactly when this is going to happen. I'm fortunate NOT to have my job in jeopardy. I think they really need to work on admissions. Enrollment is SERIOUSLY down. Eli and Chris have to work at the academic success center now. It's a little sad. Just when this happens I actually have a budget and see my collection growing. It doesn't seem fair. BUT this is life and life is this way. I'm going to work on decorating my library. I used to think the decorations were Judy's but I found out they aren't. Vicky specifically told me the flowers AND the picture were hers and that I could change it if I wanted. Yes, I want!!!-I looove that AND look forward to making the library gorgeous!!! I can't wait to see my family!!! I just finished one load of laundry.

It's after midnight and I'm doing laundry again. I just ran to Macey's before midnight so I could buy 8 lbs of strawberries for a freezer jam recipe I found on Pintrest. I am sooo addicted to that thing but I've tried 2 recipes so far and both were amazing. My cousin Noelani made freezer jam 2 years ago that was scrumptious!!! I can't wait to try this. I'm going to get her recipe too in case I get inspired again. 2 years ago the BEST way to eat her freezer jam was on dark chocolate ice-cream-seriously to die for!!! Pintrest is the natural progression from google reviews. I looove that now I can look online at reviews before I make major purchases. The recipes are similar. These are reviewed by different people with nothing to gain. So are any of the projects and hints included. It's yet another example of Covey's principle of interdependence that I have come to notice and want in EVERYTHING. Collectively people come up with the best solution. Different backgrounds and experiences coalese and should not be underestimated or shut out because these result in something superior. The Pintrest paradigm is interdependence-this relates to globalization and how we all benefit by being connected.Collective wisdom is arrived at NOT by exploring the SAME thing BUT by exploring options. The first and most basic stage is dependence. Most children depend on their parents. Next is independence. This is a state of strength but not the optimal state. People can accomplish more with other people. It is challenging in the beginning the same way independence was at first BUT if we can just master this we will build something greater and reach our optimal state. I really believe this is why we need to get married. It's not easy trying to understand someone else's take on something BUT I can completely see just on a purely intellectual level why this is valuable. The entire family unit is a way to develop and practice interdependence-If ye are not one ye are not mine-somewhere someone wrote that-also the savior frequently repeats how he is one with the father. Becoming one in this sense is allowing and even encouraging differences, communicating these respectfully so each is understood, then selecting something all can agree on or result in Covey's win/win situation or outcome. Line upon line. Working with different people with different ideas is always challenging but that's what makes it fun too. I need to remember this. It is always easier for me to avoid people instead of trying to understand them. I guess that's not so odd.

Sooo I arranged On-going coverage from select co-workers so I can actually LEAVE the building. The library just doesn't close... EVEN with meetings, people will still be served!!! I miss my family sooo much. I REALLY miss being able to call my nephews to help me whenever, whatever is going on. I miss my brother too. A LOT. I never realized before how much I take for granted. STILL I looove having my extended family be involved in my life. I think it makes life richer. I like having places to stay all over the country and even in Australia, New Zealand, and of course Tonga. I'm grateful for my culture and the qualities it has allowed me to develop. Sharing, love, and respect, humility. There are negative aspects too that should be discarded. BUT I feel like appreciating the good stuff now. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY FAMILY AT OUR MEMORIAL BBQ!!!

Sooo that line upon line precept upon precept thing is sooo true. Jonni's brother Josh ignored me in church but I just did the same. I didn't really think much about it because I was thinking about my blood drive and getting people to sign up. I DID complain about him several times to various people-BECAUSE, A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT A VIST AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE U IS AT BECCA'S HOUSE WHERE I'M HELPING HER MOVE AND U COME OVER TO GIVE HER A BLESSING WITH THE ELDER'S QUORUM PRESIDENT I'VE COMPLAINED TO NUMEROUS TIMES???!!!. I love Jonni AND her family BUT I'm sure Jonni wouldn't have invited me if she knew I offended her brother AND I never would've gone if I knew I offended him. I think Josh told her this. I had to go out of my way to say hi to Josh and he said hi back but just barely. I told him he could count the dinner as a visit and he said NOTHING. Then he left the room quickly. I don't know why I didn't figure it out right there. I feel bad if I offended him but I DON'T regret complaining about him at all. I complained to Devin, Russ and David who is supposed to visit him but still hasn't seen him. The ONLY reason why I even care about making this better is Jonni who is AWESOME but I want her to be close to her brother and TAKE his side too whatever flimsy excuse he might have. My family is in Salt Lake City. I NEED a home teacher I can rely on NOT one who does things when he feels like it. David is the ONLY person I felt comfortable asking for help from when my car was impounded. I knew my home teacher would NOT answer his phone let alone help me with anything that required him to interrupt his schedule. I WILL NEVER CALL JARED AGAIN AND I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TURNING INTO A JARED ON ME. I was a complete basket-case and I NEEDED someone to talk me down 2. It turned out alright but it was pure hell. I don't know what to do about this. I don't even really care about it. If I didn't love Jonni I could care less about Josh being offended. If anyone should be offended, it should be me.

I was looking for guidance in the temple yesterday. I keep getting the same direction. I'm scared to keep trying to confirm this. I don't want to get a different answer because I'm being Martin Harris. I don't want to have to keep asking about every little thing I do or don't with this but my answer there was to keep asking all the time and keep getting direction for ALL challenges or situations I confront. I went to Helene's Sunday school class today. I filled my blood donor sign-up sheet. I'm VERY happy about that. Brother Henry asked me if I sold Amway then he told me I'm the best person they've ever had in that calling. NICE!!!-Bishop made a remark about how men and women think differently and that Heavenly Father intended it to be that way. He said now was the time to learn to deal with that AND NOT after marriage. He said we need to learn to get along with and COMMUNICATE with each other-he said not to be doormats AND also not to just dismiss something either-we need to UNDERSTAND each other. My friend has been normal. I just feel stupid. I feel like anything I do will be interpreted as me using our friendship to fuel my interest AND that could be true so I just don't want to do anything. I wish I felt like I should get over this BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!! Jonni invited me to dinner at her parents' house. Her dad BBQed hamburgers and hotdogs that were very good. I love how her parents' house overlooks the dam. It's beautiful up there.

Crappy food, crappy atmosphere BUT nice ward peeps. I suppose I should get to know my ward members better. I just don't find them all that interesting. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. They were talking about hiking at one point. It is one of the reasons why I need to get the L out of here. I keep trying and forcing myself BUT the type of things I enjoy R NOT what my ward members enjoy. I ALWAYS feel like I'm forcing myself to have fun at our activities. I missed Douggie's wedding luncheon today in South Jordan. That makes me sad. I wanted to celebrate with him. His wedding is tomorrow. He is amazing and I have no doubt his future is VERY bright. I was his mentor when he was 9 years old. I've known him forever. It's so weird to know someone that long. He has ALWAYS been a good person. That's not a mystery to me. His parents raised him well in the gospel. He is going to be a church leader one day. I know that just from knowing him. I didn't have any revelation telling me that. He's lived his life in such a way that he is prepared to serve his father in heaven well. Personality-wise it is obvious Douggie will lead. My friend has lived his life well but it isn't obvious the way it is with Douggie. I know what my future holds. I'm probably like my friend because I'm pretty sure people dismiss me as someone who lacks substance. We can't judge. It's easy to do that BUT I think what I learned from my friend is that you can't judge people by their obvious characteristics. I think I need to be more like Douggie. He is obviously great-you can tell that within 5 minutes of meeting him. I just thought of something. Douggie isn't physically gorgeous. He's not ugly but maybe he had to develop the qualities he did. People are interested in me immediately usually just because they like the way I look. Has that made me slack in developing certain qualities? My friend is gorgeous. This is the reason why I wanted to get to know him in the first place. He has to get in your face before you can notice this however. It is obvious he gets a lot of female attention. He hasn't had to treat people very well. I don't think he treats people badly on purpose. I just think he's gotten away with a lot without being called on his behavior. Mystery solved!!! I'm probably going to attend fhe Monday because I want to buy Sarah something for her birthday and I should be able to buy her something Monday when I get paid. Sarah is THE reason why I'll attend fhe AT ALL now. I was trying to tell her how I've been in different groups already and I was going to attend another group BUT she said something about feeling like she was one of my sisters since we're in the same group. She is a good reminder to me that I should attend the fhe I was assigned to and lose the attitude. My friend I knew in Tonga lives in New Zealand. She is my Facebook friend. She told me I was making her hungry because I posted how the Pizza Pie Cafe was how I thought it would be. My response was that I'd rather eat some New Zealand chocolate. She asked me to message her my address and she's going to send me some next week. I didn't respond that way for her to do that but she is!!! YES that is VERY Poly AND I don't think any of my white friends would do something like that. I last saw her when we were 12. THIS is why I always wanted to marry someone Polynesian. My mother sent me an article about how the gospel culture was more important than any of our worldly cultures. I know that, I just wish it were different.

I looove my schedule. How will I ever work on Fridays again? I woke up at 9:45 since I did the Vampire Diaries major watchathon last night. Sometimes being a vegetable is a good thing!!! My sweet RS president brought me some fresh cut flowers in a vase for NOTHING-BUT that's the best reason!!! She's not even some guy I'm dating! So sweet!!! She's getting married pretty soon but she said she doesn't know when that'll be anymore. July or August. She invited me to her birthday celebration at Pizza Pie Cafe. She texted me the invitation. When I saw her she admitted it wasn't just for her and something Janelle from our ward started to celebrate birthdays each month. When I go out to eat I usually like to make it worth it. I asked her how the food was. I never wanted to eat there BUT it's cheap and at least I'll have the experience. I asked her why they couldn't choose someplace like Elements or Cafe Sabor. She said money but really those places don't cost much more AND you get quality food WITHOUT feeling like U R eating at a cafeteria. I shouldn't judge. Maybe it'll be good. STILL I don't like Chuck-O-Rama AND a pizza buffet place seems like it won't have the best food. Maybe I'm buffet-picky because I'm Tongan and SICK of ALWAYS eating at Chuck-O-Rama AND Hometown Buffet-EVERY baptism and post-temple-ward outing is spent there. I bet a lot of families with children go there. My brother used to tease me before I graduated from library school that he'd take me to Chuck and Cheese. It was both sad AND hilarious when I found out my then 7-year-old nephew was mad when he learned it wasn't true. George was going to take me to sushi but I wanted to go to Rodizio Grill at Crossroads. That's the type of buffet I feel is worth it. Little America has the BEST Sunday brunch buffet too-OF COURSE sushi buffets are USUALLY worth it EXCEPT the LAST time I went to Sushi Yah here in Logan. Maybe I'll be surprised. I'm ONLY going for Sarah AND if she just texted me I wouldn't do it-if they do this every month UNLESS the food is AMAZING, and I doubt it will be, NOT going there again!!! $6 is what I think it is from what I found online. That doesn't include fountain drinks which are 1.99. That's about $8 NOT including tip. It's a good thing I'm in my NO-carbonation phase. Elements would cost about $10 for a lunch special, I could drink water, be full and EVEN with tip the price difference would still be under $3.00!!! I just made my very first tuna casserole. I HAD to learn to do something else with my tuna BESIDES tuna sandwiches. I put peanuts, chopped granny smith apple pieces and shredded cheese into my tuna sandwich mix which is yummy BUT I hope my casserole is good too. Especially since I still have 45 cans of tuna left in my cupboard. Thank U case sale!!! Mmmmm.... My casserole is very good!!! I boiled the egg noodles first to get rid of excess starch, added my stir-fry mixed veggies, the recipe called for peas which I haaate! mixed in a condensed cheese soup, a can of tuna and then crushed potato chips up to cover the top and then added about a coup of shredded cheddar cheese. I have this impression that most American housewives make tuna casserole for their families who detest it for the most part. I love my tuna casserole and will be making it again. Maybe it's because I wasn't raised on it. It is good!!! I'm going to try different soup combinations AND I omitted chopped onion. I'm going to experiment and make this better!!!

As part of Stevens-Henager College's spirit week we had a different theme each day and were asked to wear something appropriate. Monday was hat day, Tuesday team day, Wednesday Aloha day and Today is Stevens-Henager day. Tomorrow is graduation at the tabernacle. I went to it when Colton graduated but the only time I'll go again is when Vai graduates. I already marched for my MLS. I don't intend to do that for the MBA which won't happen until May next year. I have almost a year to change my mind if I feel like doing that. I should celebrate when I finish the MBA but it's not something I feel like I really need to do since it's my second Master's degree. I like how the MBA can supplement my librarian career. I STILL want to finish my degree in broadcast journalism from the University of Utah. I keep stopping that to do other things like library school and then the MBA. STILL free is free and I wouldn't earn an MBA if I had to pay for it myself. I wouldn't take another loan out. I'd still love to go to law school online. Concord University is the only online law school that allows you to sit the bar in California. I just want the degree and understanding that would let me be a law library director. I think my real love however is definitely public which doesn't justify getting a law degree. It's just a doctorate degree and I feel like I need to get one before I die. What I love about public libraries is that you serve the community AND individuals in such a significant way but it DOES NOT involve the amount of involvement social work can require. Working at the Christmas Box House was not a picnic. It wasn't a difficult job AND I just worked the graveyard shift on Friday and Saturday nights BUT dealing with that real life drama and children including infants was depressing. I don't know how anyone does stuff like that full-time can stand it. I was always asked if I wanted to increase my hours and work full time but I never did. I didn't want to get jaded. I didn't want all the things that happened there to even begin to seem normal to me. It was so depressing. Despite that children are resilient. So many children are neglected or mistreated. I was continually shocked to read case files. I remember having to give a little girl a bath once who had the stove rings singed on her butt. She was so tiny and it was so hard to see that AND maintain professionalism, NOT break down or make her feel worse than she already did. Books can offer escape to anyone who. They allow individuals to consider options and possibilities never even considered before. It is important for all ages to learn what amazing things are available through their public library. I remember this one woman I read about in the case files when I worked at the Christmas Box House. She was cited for having a filthy house. She was given a specific date and time to clean. If she didn't meet those requirements her children would be taken from her. She didn't meet the requirements and her kids were removed from their home. It was incredible to me that someone would have the chance to keep their kids and NOT clean their house when they knew exactly when an inspection would happen. A boy was chained in the basement. Parents abused children who came to the Christmas box house. One little boy started to abuse another little girl there before staff had to physically intervene. He was 3? He didn't know any better. BUT an innocent little girl had a little boy begin to sexually abuse her-it doesn't matter whose fault it was or is-what matters is that it happened. Good homes are desperately needed for these children BUT if I had children would I want to take in another one from that type of background that could act out on my kids? NOOO. When I was a mentor with the Asian Association and would take children to different places and engage with them in different activities I used to feel sorry for some of them who didn't have parents with cultural or language understanding to help them navigate school and just the outside world. Later when I worked at the Christmas Box House I realized just how fortunate those kids really were simply to have parents who loved them. Parents who love their children and provide for their basic needs isn't something I ever thought didn't exist EVERYWHERE. I'm glad I'm not naive. I like that I was exposed to such a wide variety of people. I've just been blessed so much. I'm so grateful for what I have. I love my heavenly father so much. I am impatient and witchy but heavenly father still sees fit to bless me despite my many shortcomings.

I finished my Korean Drama yesterday then I went online to the CW and caught up on Gossip Girl. Tonight I think I'll get up to speed on the Vampire Diaries. I've been enjoying all my free time!!! I know I need to work on my thesis, I just need a break AND I'm REALLY enjoying NOT having homework hanging over my head. It'll B even better when my thesis is DONE!!! It's time for me to get OCD again about my health. I thought I'd have to go to SLC this weekend BUUUT instead I'm going to mail my mother a check she can cash once I get paid next Monday and then go and pay my bill for me. That will save me gas money AND time AND energy. SLACKING on my Zumba. My adjustable dumbells have also been sitting in my storage closet. It is time for me to get back to my health zone. My REALLY cute business clothes R in SLC because they don't fit me. I'd like to wear that stuff again. I spent enough on those things. If I start now I should be able to wear all that stuff again in the Winter. I have NO extra money now BUT it's a good thing I already bought my Zumba DVDs. Yesterday I was going through my summer clothes and I encountered stuff I forgot I had. I just need to buy some more plain white and/or black t-shirts I can wear with some of my summer stuff

I think names and dates are significant. My dad's oldest brother Tu'imana had the same birthday as my mother AND my dad had the same birthday as his wife-my aunty Lynn. My brother's wife has the same birthday as my mother AND uncle Mana. My brother has the same birthday as my aunty Sala. Then there's May 15th. My grandfather died on May 15th, my brother received his mission call AND I was released from my mission on May 15th. Whatever that means or doesn't, I'm making it a good day. I was watching the Korean drama I'm almost finished with last night when my uncle Tai messaged me on facebook from Tonga. I always leave facebook open when I'm watching something online so I can go there during commercials. It was so good to hear from him. I love that technology lets me do that. Fhe yesterday was shooting in the canyons which I have been wanting to do since I moved here... BUT I didn't feel like seeing my friend OR watching him flirt with Katie or some other girl he invited just for flirting purposes. I'm probably older than Katie but she looks her age-whatever that is-she definitely looks like she belongs in our ward. I know I don't, although I don't think I look as young as David looks. Maybe David has an Oedipus complex. I missed my chance to shoot them both... hahaha NOOO. Now I'm just being petty.

Now I about have my MBA which is fabulous!!! I got an A for my last class!!! I make two years at this job at the end of May and 2 years living in Logan at the end of July. Yesterday in church David's biggest fan Katie wore a black shirt under a dark purple blouse that looked JUST LIKE from the top anyway the dark purple dress I wore OVER A BLACK SHIRT last Sunday. REALLY???!!! Right now I'm REALLY sick of David, all his MANY fans, Logan, Cache Valley. If I never see any of them again, it'll be too soon. I decided to leave asap. I've NEVER been happy here AND learning just how fake certain people can be is a revelation I could've done without. I want to be near my family. I like having all the cousins I do AND I miss it. I'm getting a job with Stevens-Henager College in SLC asap. I tried to make this work but I haaate it here. I always have. I know what my spiritual guidance has been BUT I've taken my faithful steps into the dark ONLY to find additional darkness. DONE AND DONE.

I thought a lot about what my problem is and why I kept holding on. I don't think I ever really believed my friend wasn't into me EVEN when he told me several times. The way he abruptly changed how he acted with me in the beginning was just too weird AND later Cing him in different situations I just didn't believe him. That's a weird problem to have-yesterday I felt like he was a woodpecker that wouldn't give up until I told him I was finished. He was kind and I'm stupid because I still don't believe him completely I just was sooo sick of thinking about it and writing about it and I wanted him to just leave me alone that I finally told him I had enough BUT the truth is I had enough of him-I guess it's the same. I don't know why the hell he's doing this but really it doesn't matter and I don't know why I have such a difficult time believing this but I do and I'm only giving up because he wants me to do that.

I'm sooo happy this is FINALLY done!!! NO library citations HOWEVER students repeatedly said the library was closed when they needed it/wanted it. NOOOT COOOL!!! I'm going to stick to that thing like glue now. I'm REALLY glad accreditation is FINALLY FINISHED. I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL DAY YESTERDAY I SAT ON PINS AND NEEDLES WAITING FOR HER VISIT. Then she doesn't do ANYTHING until TODAY!!! I was emailing my friend when she came to see me so I had to prolong that. My friend said to remember that acting like I was interested in him wasn't being a real friend. That made me livid SO I decided NOT to answer it BUT then I ended up answering it anyway. He explained himself better and his tone was extremely ticked off which was not good-what was good was telling me how I was making him feel. He told me he feels like I don't respect him or what he told me when I hit on him. That was NEVER my intention because I do respect him AND his feelings. I'm really glad he explained himself. I'm not a mind reader and I guess I am insensitive. I NEVER meant to be that way. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I'm thinking that's probably best. I can't say I just want to be his friend because that's not how I feel. However I don't want him to have to suffer for that just because I have feelings for him. I think a break is in order. It'll B good for both of us. Sooo bad day BUT I guess it's good. I still feel like I'm supposed to be his friend BUT I'm going to ignore that.

Accreditation team is STILL here which means I'm STILL here. My feet R killing me because my black shoes are all scuffed so I wore my black very cute spiky heeled black patent leather shoes that are gorgeous but don't FEEL gorgeous AFTER 13 hours of wearing them. Also wearing VERY conservative earrings for MYSELF apparently. Green suit tomorrow. We'll C what FINALLY happens then. I heard from my FRIEND. More of NOT A DAMN THING. I suppose that's the theme of the day.

STIIILL sitting here WAITING FOR THE ACCREDITATION TEAM TO PUT ME TO THE TEST. We weren't allowed to leave the building and had to bring our own meals sooo OF COURSE I was running late this morning and didn't have time to cook for myself. I make a quick stop at Maverick where I buy tortilla chips and cheese I can dip the chips into, a chocolate muffin, flavored water and two macadamia nut chocolate chip cookies. Sooo I'm feeling sick from the meal of champions ALL DAY!!! It's after 5pm now and NO ONE has been up here so I'm probably having this done tomorrow morning BUT I'll just have to wait and see. GREAT!!! Another day of sitting on pins and needles. I just thought I can go and print some pictures of CVLA, ALA & that last Brown Bag featuring Andy Wesolek. Doing that now. What a nice folder I will soon have!!!

It's going on right now outside the library. It's probably time to get off of this thing!!!

I looove the temple. Helene asked me Sunday if I had gone to the temple that week and NOOO I hadn't. MayB if I did I would've been all zen despite my week from hell. I talked to a bankruptcy attorney today. I thought I'd have to declare a chapter 7 BUT I don't plus I'll pay for my back taxes THE WHOLE REASON WHY I TOOK THE DAMN 401 k LOAN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Instead it went to pay my repair bills, impound lot, insurance. I need to pay $800 in attorney fees B4 the process begins. BUT it'll lump my bills with my taxes AND I will pay under 200 a month for 3 years AND it will ALL be paid off!!! This was a great day!!! I emailed my man... ok-I wish my man-ANYWAY I told him he was very clear but that I am still interested in him. I also told him I'd ignore him or stop if he wanted me to and that I'd take Bing his friend now BUT that it didn't change how I felt. I hope he can handle this. I told him he's been very clear but REALLY he hasn't been as crystal as he could B. He VERY clearly told me how he didn't feel BUT he didn't seem to want me to ignore him when I told him I couldn't handle Cing him and Katie 2gether ALL the damn time AND I still haaate it!!!-I don't want him to be mean to her either-BUT I'd be better with that than having to C them together at EVERY church meeting OR fhe. At least I can leave that. I know how to B a B and I'm NOT going to B the high school version of myself. Even some of my college moments aren't proud moments for me. I can make people feel bad about themselves BUT that doesn't accomplish anything except make me feel horrible. I have to admit it is fun initially. Actually it REALLY isn't. I can't Blieve I used to enjoy that-Even more than whoever the guy was at the time. VEEERY stupid. I feel my friend and I R STAGNANT and I just want something to happen-MayB that's what he wants. It's not what I want. BT as in Barbara Taylor one of the VPs just under the Owner and President of the school-sooo... my bosses' boss is a regional director over schools in idaho and northern Utah including Salt Lake City and Lehi BUT not Provo or St. George. Her name is Vicki Dewsnep-Her boss is BT who is over several Regional Directors. ANYWAY she visited the library today and I didn't know who she was. She asked me how she could check out a book. I told her I could help her check out a book. Then she said it would be good if there was a sign posted that said that. I said OOOOooooo Kay. Then she said and I quote, "I'm telling you, not just saying that." Sooo I immediately tried to make a pretty sign and ran to the dollar store for an 8 x 10 frame for my sign. Tomorrow's the big accreditation day followed by Friday-the last of the accreditation stuff. Sharla said Friday will probably be half a day. I am sooo alright with that.

I finished and emailed both of my papers to my instructor at 6:40am. I just worked through the night knowing I could just sleep today and then wake up for the Avengers. It was good and I enjoyed it. Lots of action. It's not something I'll buy or spend a lot of time thinking about but I enjoyed it. I was upset when the plumber didn't call to fix my drain yesterday but he did call in time to wake me up for him to come over and fix it so I could jump in the shower before the Avengers. I didn't take a shower on Monday and I felt gross. My shower didn't drain after I took my shower Sunday. I'm glad they took care of it. I'm going to OD on Pintrest now that my classes are done. I'm SOOO happy only my Thesis is left. It'll be nice to have a life again and do things again without thinking about homework all the time.

Dropped my car off. Went to pick it up-nice work peeps who picked me up when I dropped it off and drove me to Discount Tire when it was time to get it. It actually feels A LOT better. Les Schwab told me my tires should be at 40 psi but Discount Tire said they should be at 35. WTH!!! I told them how my pressure light always comes on when I go to Salt Lake and then how I have to get air all the time. That only started when I had a flat then went to Les Schwab. NEVER AGAIN. I should have made the connection. It's SOOO obvious now. I worked 12 hours straight from 8am to 8pm. I am completely drained. I needed some Asian food and the only way that happens is if I cook it sooo I went to Panda Buffet since it's the closest I'll get here in Logan. I'm so glad Jonni suggested watching Avengers tomorrow. I can't wait. I arranged for Judy to work all day tomorrow since I have to work Friday for accreditation. I am VERY happy to have a day off during the week for a change although I looove having super long weekends!!! Although I've asked several times for a budget I've never been given one. I have to secure approval for ALL expenses. BUUUT accreditation made it so I had to prove what type of budget I've been working with EXCLUSIVELY for the library and NOT attaching the bookstore budget to it. HALLELUJAH!!! That's what took FOREVER!!! I had to reconstruct ALL my expenses this year AND exclude textbook costs. While I'm not thrilled with the outdoors, I wanted to go to fhe just to see my baby-yeah I need a new word in my head because he doesn't like that. I've never actually called him that but he didn't like pretty boy sooo I doubt he'd like this. I don't like missing opportunities to see him especially since I've decided NOT to get over how I feel about him. I think he likes the outdoors too. He has several pictures of himself hiking and bonding with nature on his Facebook page. Nature is pretty, it is often beautiful and makes me think of my Father in Heaven-BUT it's also dirty and there usually isn't running water, AC, or any way to REALLY get clean after sweating. The heat is something else entirely. It zaps my strength. I don't know how people function outdoors in the heat. AC is NOT a luxury, in Utah it's a necessity.

This morning the drain in my shower closed. It's not clogged, it's plugged with the shower/tub mechanism that should plug when U want to take a bath BUT then releases the water down the drain. This stuff always happens on the weekends for some reason. I jiggled it and I could probably unscrew the metal plate thing surrounding it BUT I'm going to let a plumber handle it. I have 2 papers I need to finish. These R easy and going to be turned in tonight. It should be alright. This is my last class - NOW I need to start cracking on the thesis. Jonni and I went to see Renee this morning. Laura wasn't home so we'll still need to see her. I told Jonni about my week from hell. She is so sweet, we are going to see a matinee of the Avengers Tuesday just to do something fun. I definitely need to do that. She invited me again to have dinner with her at her parents' house. I am lucky to have a sweet friend like her. I told her I had to break the Sabbath and do homework. I like to think of it as the sow who fell in the ditch thing. My friend bore his testimony today. Way to break down my defenses. His most attractive characteristics are his testimony and commitment to the gospel. I saw him after church. He asked how things went and I asked how his move was. He had to clean his apartment BY HIMSELF. He mentioned that his roommates were messy before. After helping Jennifer move, I'm glad he didn't ask us to help him. I hope it wasn't too horrible for him. He was concerned and kind which was nice. Culturally he is fine... I was just a major emotional basket-case who still needs to get it together. Time for me to get off the psycho-crazy train. I will probably be taken aback more in the future. I'm sure I can count on it. The gospel culture ALWAYS has been much more important than Poly culture. I KNOW THAT. I shouldn't need reminders. I always wanted someone Polynesian who was spiritually amazing AND brilliant-that is next to impossible to find among ALL races and cultures. I think I keep wanting to give up on this because nothing's happening like I thought it would or maybe because NOTHING'S HAPPENING!!!-I can't deny what I know AND have been told multiple times.-STILL-twiddling my thumbs got old a looog time ago.

I DIDN'T pass my safety check-there's an assortment of things wrong with my car. It will cost between 450-550 to get it passed. I feel sick. I wouldn't be able to do this without my 401k loan I took or my money returned from the last credit counseling payment. I stopped at work to see if my check was there. It was so I went to deposit it in the bank. I was pulled over for speeding or going 38 in a 25 zone. I had my sunglasses on and I finally snapped. I just started crying and I couldn't stop. The police officer felt sorry for psycho girl who left her new temporary registration at home BUT at least my insurance was with me. I didn't have my license with me either and the bank would close in an hour. I couldn't believe that happened to me. I was a complete basket case. He decided just to give me a ticket for driving without my license that he said I just had to go and show them my license for and I would be o.k.-Maybe I needed to cry like that. I felt better after. I get to leave my car there Monday morning. I'll go and see who can help me at work Monday morning. I feel both blessed and cursed. I DON'T like drama but it seems to find me no matter what I do or don't.

Sooo I was able to do what I needed without anyone's help BUT it made me think of what I really want AND I think I've done everything I'm supposed to do-I know what I want and I know what I'm worth AND these little cultural things that keep jolting me ARE REALLY important to me. It would NOT have taken my friend very much to help me AND he still didn't. I'm done and I don't care if I never sleep again right now. If this is supposed to happen it's going to take a miracle and I'm sooo done waiting for it to MAYBE manifest itself. My blessings are my blessings and I'm sure there are other men out there that have lived their lives the way they should-MAYBE it'll just be in the next life. I'm not making this ugly because I don't hate him-actually I love him but I don't want to and I can get over this which is what's happening now.

I was annoyed by my friend's excuse-Sooo I decided to do as much as I could myself B4 asking someone else for help. I WALKED to the bus stop which really wasn't bad. It's a beautiful day AND not that sweltering hot I haaate. I started calling the bus people since the number was displayed to find out how long I had to wait. As I was talking on the phone the bus was there that took me a block from the insurance company I found online and spoke to some lady about. Insurance was 54 a month and I'll save even more if I go back within 30 days and pay for 6 months. It's less than 300 for that-I'll definitely do it if my safety check goes through. I was paying 167 EVERY MONTH. MAJOR savings I would not have known about if I didn't get nabbed by the police. Instead of catching the bus I walk the 3 blocks to the Cache County building where I get my impound release after showing them proof of insurance and paying $142. The insurance lady told me about the impound lot costing around $400. I am NOT happy since I had the garnishment on my check of about $300. I also had a negative hit from going to SLC and paying those stupid parking fees. I knew I'd owe about 150 plus 20 for overdraft. Of course I hadn't counted on the 300 garnishment. Sooo I am thinking I'll JUST have enough to get my car out but with a little over a hundred left AND nothing for rent OR tithing. Credit counseling owes me 300 AND my 401k loan will put a little over a thousand in my bank. Immediately after getting my car and paying only 267!!! I go to Stevens-Henager to see if my $300 check is there so I can at least pay my tithing. NOOO it isn't so I look at my account to see how much is left and how I'm going to swing my tithing at least AND there is a deposit for over a thousand made today. My mother received my 401k check and called my brother to deposit it in my account!!! LIFE IS VERY GOOD!!! And I can pay my rent AND my tithing. I hope I don't have major repairs for my safety check either. I'm going to make cashier's checks for my rent AND tithing to get the money out of there. I think I'll also drop by that repair shop to get my safety check done. I'm sooo happy I can just do homework, clean, AND figure out my next move with bankruptcy court. This attorney called me because I filled something out online. He wants to charge me $900. Hell to the NOOO-I was just trying to get information online. U can file it yourself if you make sure all the Ts are crossed and Is R dotted. Time to go to the public library and figure out how to do that. Homework can be done now without that annoying irritation going on at the back of my mind. It was surprisingly easy getting my car out of the impound and catching the bus. If I hadn't gone to FHE that one time I wouldn't know where to catch it or figure out which one went to the impound lot. I caught the bus twice today and the first time I waited less than 5 mins. The second bus took about 8 minutes. Weird but nice. If I was in SLC I would've been on the phone calling people to pick me up. It was very nice to get everything done myself!!!

I knew it was too good to be true. I met with Lynn Lemon which went very well. I know I impressed him but I also know he was very concerned with what Marsha Herron thought which probably isn't good for me since I don't think she likes me for the job. I hope he talks to the Logan library director Robert Shupe. I'm pretty sure I impressed him enough that he'll give me a good recommendation. I'm leaving it in the hands of my Father in Heaven although that doesn't mean I can't encourage Robert Shupe to talk to him and give him a good recommendation for me. On my way back to work I was pulled over. Since my registration AND insurance R bad, my car was impounded. I called my old insurance agent and he didn't call me back at all so I'm getting a new one here in Logan. That's the first thing I need to do then I need to get a temporary registration card before I go to the office to get a release letter I then get to take to the impound lot where I get to pay them more money before my car is released. When I survive that I get to see a bankruptcy attorney and get filed already. My work is already taking the garnishment from my check. Although my money doesn't hit my account before tomorrow at 9am, I can already see the amount and it is 300 less then it should be. The credit counseling payment was taken already. I should be receiving two credit counseling payments by now. That check along with my loan check should be here already!!! One thing's for sure, I NEED IT NOW!!! So I REALLY feel like crap-I am an emotional wreck BUT I know this is because I'm almost done my MBA, I almost have my damn finances in order FINALLY AND I may B starting a new part time job soon. There are lots of blessings in store for me but there are also lots of stumbling blocks. This is just business as usual so I don't know why I can't handle it better. I want some diet Dr. Pepper BUT I'm not walking to the damn store to get it and I don't want it bad enough to walk and get it. I would DRIVE and get it however if I could. I asked my friend to help me tomorrow if he can. I'm REALLY going to try to be alright with it if he can't. I know I need to be reasonable. I'm just not feeling reasonable at all right now.

I spent the ENTIRE DAY yesterday perfecting a sign about ProQuest our corporate visitor felt we needed in EVERY classroom and public area. That doesn't sound difficult BUT-AFTER finding art/an ad APPROVED by ProQuest there is a space available to customize that DOESN'T follow standard margins so I had to space the text just exactly right. My director wanted the ProQuest logo in a space on the sign sooo after finding one online I got to size it just right. The logo had to be closer to the text but no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't move closer sooo I printed each sheet of paper 3x - first with the "ad-ready" copy I found online, then with the logo, AND FINALLY with the customized text. That still doesn't sound very difficult BUT after first printing the ad copy the paper edge curled MEANING I had to place the printed copies under a heavy textbook to try to flatten the paper. The curled edges meant I wasted A LOT of paper AND the printer kept getting stuck because of it. I FINALLY tried alternating blank paper with my flattened ads. This worked although I ended up wasting a lot of blank paper first. BUUUT the signs look perfect now AND are hung in EVERY classroom. I told my boss about the Cache Valley Library Director position and she seemed alright with me applying-ALTHOUGH I did mention what an asset it would be to Stevens-Henager College to have me there AND that it was a perfect WIN/WIN situation. I went to see the current Director Marsha Herron who actually attended our last Cache Valley Library Association Meeting at the Logan library. She didn't seem too thrilled with the idea of me applying to be the new Director but I mentioned to her that I was completing my MBA in a couple months. Sooo this will REALLY B a good thing. Marsha told me if I wanted to apply I should see Lynn Lemon. I looked him up and he is the Cache County executive. I looove public positions because I can find out exactly how much they earn and he earns 132,000 a year. Marsha's position isn't posted. Shawn Bliss the bookmobile librarian is who told me about the opportunity. The state library in SLC offers MANY training opportunities especially for Directors. I would looove to join in that AND it's FREE!!! Plus Sara AND Cheryl Mansen my old reference teacher at Emporia work there. Cheryl gave me an A and is THE REASON why I got a substitute librarian job when I was STILL in library school. I called Lynn Lemon's secretary and set up a meeting with him for 3:30pm. I REALLY want this to work!!! The American Library Association Conference is in Anaheim this year and is next month. If I can get Cache County to pay for that it would be perfect too. I'd also get them to pay for my MPLA and PLA-the Mountain Plains Library Association AND the Public Library Association. The training I receive will be especially valuable for me as a begin as a new director. Of course I need to get the job first. I wonder if this county executive is any relation to Sharla. I'm going to find out. Then, I get to construct a budget of how I would like to spend money for the library for the next 5 years. Loving life right now ALTHOUGH there is still sooo much to do-I have an exciting weekend planned DOING homework!!!

It's nice to feel awake and not awful. I wish I could report that I woke up at 6am, did Zumba then followed that with a healthy breakfast I cooked myself before jumping in the shower and getting ready for work. NOOO that didn't happen. I DID wake up at 6am, laid there for 25 minutes before walking like a zombie into the shower after which I went to Maverick and bought a fountain Diet Dr. Pepper, went through the Carl's JR drivethrough for a couple of bacon, egg and cheese biscuits. AND now here I am at work waiting for the corporate lady to check my library out. This is the 2nd person corporate has sent to C if we're ready. I think it's several years of penalties if we don't pass which is why they R so worried about it. I'm ready. Bring it on!!! I'm going to also set up my laptop so I can finish and turn in the stuff I need to turn in. I am focused on finishing my program. MBA just land in my lap now!!! A LOT of writing but I looove that stuff!!!-I just wish it was done. I need to figure out the steps I need to take to declare bankruptcy-that sucks but I need to do it. FINALLY I'm going to call the current Director of the Cache Valley County Library in Providence, ask her about her hours and when exactly she plans on leaving. I am more than ready to make over 55,000 a year and adding that would let me do that AND I wouldn't have to take a crappy job I don't enjoy that'll pay probably just a little over 10 an hour to supplement my income. It'll mean staying in Cache Valley another 2 years but extra money will cushion that blow. Socially I don't have a clue what the hell I'm supposed to do-B4 I knew my friend AT ALL I nabbed him checking me out which is why I even bothered to get a closer look. I liked what I saw EXCEPT when he mentioned school I thought he was an undergraduate. I DID NOT like that. I DO know what I need to know now AND although I definitely know he's far from perfect-I can write volumes on that-BUT he could probably do the same sooo I won't-he is what I want AND he has more than his fair share of divine approval-that is good but it sucks too Bcause I can't argue or rationalize that away. I am completely gone now AND I would like to ignore this, argue it AND rationalize it away Bcause I HAAATE not Bing in control of this!!!

David has commented on my sarcasm several times. That is something I've always tried to work on but apparently I have a long way to go. I don't like sarcasm. It runs counter to sincerity and I want to be sincere. He didn't point it out the many times he has to be snarky or mean. It was just acknowledged. I'm not sure how to stop this. I guess being aware is the first step.