Urban Poly Princess

So since I received my $99 treatment in the mail I was excited to try it BUUUT at 3am I woke up because I was in major pain. It wasn't 12 hours yet and I didn't want to take it off until then so as soon as I got a chance I removed the bandage. My leg felt like it was throbbing NOOOT better like all the testimonials. It was in pain ABOVE where I thought the injury was. I determined I treated below the injury.

I used the massage cream and spray they sent me. Instead I put one of their patches they sent me above and it feels10x better. I need to go to the store no matter what today. My mother got up at 3am too and warmed something up in the microwave for herself. I think she is feeling sick. Krista was going to come with me to church tomorrow but with my pain last night I'm not going to go.

This is horrible. Lulu's mom's funeral is today at 11am and I wish I could be there. I was hoping to make it to at least one of the services although I knew I probably couldn't attend all of them.

YES I am recording the days since my injury to keep track of how long it takes me to return to regular activity. Most athletes who succumb to this type of injury want to get back to their sport asap. I certainly want to get back to Zumba but I'll take walking normally first. The day before yesterday bruising appeared.

I bruise easily anyway which didn't make the ugly deep purple marks surprising. My treatment package is supposed to arrive today. FINALLY!!! I hope it really does make a huge difference. This is such a random occurrence. I can't believe this happened a little after I paid for my Zumba instructor training. I was so excited. When I get huge obstacles it convinces me I'm doing the right thing. There is opposition in all things and it has always been the case in my life that right before a major blessing I face some sort of challenge.

I love Zumba and I am grateful to have found something I enjoy that can help me get and stay fit. I am so happy I also found the nutritarian diet that'll help me attain my physique goals too. Why did this take so long? I don't know. From the first time I tried it I knew I wanted to become a Zumba instructor.

I am pretty sure my background is messed up but it totally makes sense now. Delta airlines' interest and then subsequent treatment like I'm the plague is very telling. I was sure I'd get that UTA position too. I don't doubt there's something on my record. LDS Business College too was so weird.

I wonder how to find out about this. This white asinine security guard at Smith's in Midvale accused me of opening a bottle of foundation, trying the product on my hand and then returning it to the shelf before I purchased a different bottle. I was livid because I DIDN'T DO THAT. It was the day before I had to fly to Oregon for the second weekend of a library school class. A police officer frisked me and no one believed me. I couldn't believe that happened to me. It was humiliating and I didn't do anything. I ended up having to go to court and all charges were dismissed. It SHOULD NOT be affecting ANYTHING.

I have declared bankruptcy that can affect my record and hireability for financial institutions BUT not the airlines OR ANYTHING ELSE!!! I don't even know how to check but I'm going to try to find out today.

I feel much better although I am far from 100%. My treatment for my calf injury should arrive tomorrow. I ordered pizza from Dominos today. I ordered their Pacific Veggie then asked them to add chicken to that. I also got an order of their molten chocolate crispy cake that is just like a couple of circular brownies filled with warm melted chocolate. It was delicious. I am very grateful to my mother for helping me as much as she has. She is not giving me any more grief since the day I told her she was a horrible mother and wrote that scathing mad post.

Usually if I'm mad at her I can leave. This time that couldn't happen. This injury is sooo difficult to deal with. I'm not experiencing pain except when I walk on my calf the little I do.

I hope I feel good enough to attend Aunty Lei's funeral this Saturday and then church too. Krista is picking me up. I don't know why she wants to attend a Singles ward with me but she is my friend. I tried to get her involved with the Chinese ward but it never happened at least not to my knowledge.

I'm actually watching this now. I haaate having to do nothing while this leg heals. I thought after I broke my leg years ago that I wouldn't have to go through that again. It is hell. I'm sick of staying in bed and watching TV. I can sit up and watch TV too but eventually I lay down to watch it. I get to just sit here and eat what my mother gets me and then hobble to the bathroom whenever I need to go there.

Lulu's mom's funeral is this Saturday. I wish I could attend everything but I still need to see how I feel then. Hobbling is certainly not the business and I want to avoid anyone I can now until this injury has completely cleared up. I know it's only the 5th day and the minimum I've read for recovery is 4 weeks but not being able to do anything is hell.

I'm really making use of my unemployment now. I suppose that is a good thing. I'm only paying my insurance now which means I should actually have a huge healthy bank account although I don't yet.

So now I feel bad for calling my mother an evil bitch. I am living in her house and I'm not paying rent. She is getting me ice when I need it and cooking for me when I am hungry. It's just all the other stuff that is hurtful and not what I need. George calmed me down a lot when I talked to him. He just laughs at it. Of course that is easy to do when you're not experiencing the negativity EVERY day.

My mother is driving me crazy STILL. She said she was reading an Ensign article that would help me understand why this injury is my fault. I had been eating better than I ever have in my life when this happened. I was getting up at 4:30 M-F to attend Zumba to get physically good BECAUSE I am diabetic. This is a freak injury that can happen to ANYONE BUT SHE IS STILL LOOKING FOR REASONS WHY SOME STUPID MOVE OR DECISION ON MY PART MADE THIS HAPPEN.

When I broke my tibia at George's house she blames that on me wearing high heels. I keep trying to tell her this is a common injury people go through all the damn time but she just says she doesn't think Heavenly Father meant us to suffer like this. I cannot believe her stupidity. I told her she is evil and from Satan because she shouldn't be making me feel like crap. She is my mother who instead should be trying to make me feel better. She wants me to see a doctor to get an o.k. before I engage in Zumba again. I told her if she wants to pay for me to see a doctor for a waste of my time she can.

She seems to think there is something magical if I have to pay to attend Zumba. My instructors ARE CERTIFIED ZUMBA INSTRUCTORS. There is nothing magical about any other Zumba instructor. They receive the same damn training. My mother also gave me some stupid speech about how my body is a temple. YES I KNOW THAT AND I HAVE NEVER TREATED IT MORE LIKE ONE IN MY LIFE WHEN THIS HAPPENED TO ME.

I'm crying and upset because I don't know how the hell she turned out like this. I told her she is evil and from Satan and although I didn't tell her this she is a self-righteous bitch who wrests the scriptures. I'm unemployed she keeps saying BECAUSE I am doing something wrong too. I feel like Job.

Alright I know I'm nowhere near where he was and it is stupid of me to compare myself to him BUUUT I feel like I am trying in EVERY area of my life and this is when I get this random injury that my mother blames completely on me. It is the same with my car. I have had so many car repairs I've had to make that she blames on me. Sometimes this is partly my fault BUT sometimes things wear down and we just have to repair things.

Sometimes we face random challenges that have nothing to do with how righteous we are. I read my scriptures EVERY day. Sometimes I'm not as faithful with my prayers as I need to be BUT I ALWAYS TRY. She blames that on me too. I was trying to attend more MidSingles activities, I am TRYING to figure out who I should get to know better, who is good husband material. I KNOW I need to get married. I AM TRYING AND that is all we can do. I don't know why this happened but I certainly don't think it is something I was irresponsible about.

She is truly from Satan. I wish she would disappear. I still need her help which is the hardest thing in the world. I still need her to cook for me or get me ice. What the hell made her this way.

My mother is driving me crazy. She keeps telling me it is my fault I got injured and that I am irresponsible for going to Zumba. I am diabetic I NEED TO WORK OUT. I love Zumba and my injury is a freak occurrence she seems to blame on my Zumba instructor just because she offers it for free. NOOO that's not why and it could have and would have happened anywhere. She is telling me if a job calls for me to begin I can't start now. I'm not an idiot. When I broke my tibia the same thing happened which affected my mobility.

It is sooo tough trying to reason with her because is convinced and not open to hearing anyone but the sound of her own voice. She also blames me for not being employed yet. I told her several times that I prayed about where I should be AND I prayed about it a lot. Especially when I lived in Logan and had to keep hearing people tell their stories of how they just knew Heavenly Father wanted them someplace specifically. When I prayed about that I felt and I still feel Heavenly Father is alright with wherever I want to live. It even says something about that in my patriarchal blessing. BUUUT NOOO she insists my answer is from Satan and that Heavenly Father would never answer a prayer that way BUUUT he did and that is exactly what he told me and if she thinks any amount of trying to convince me I'm wrong will change that she is sooo wrong.

She is blaming this injury on me and it is hard enough to remain positive when something like this happens. I am REALLY upset and I can't do anything about it because I can't get away from her right now. I don't know how she became sooo stupid and mean. She is my mother. She is supposed to be my biggest support NOOOT make me feel like crap.

I knew it wouldn't be difficult to duplicate that soup. I gave my mother the recipe and it was just as scrumptious as I wanted it to be. She did an excellent job. I had her add spinach so it sort of tasted like lupulu. The combination with the lime is very tasty. I also had bought Asian fish sauce some time ago and it is scrumptious. The recipe I found online had 3 Tbls of that added which is what made it taste yummy too. My friends used fish sauce to eat with spring rolls.

I used to make egg rolls and dim sum more. I guess I just got sick of the work involved in making it but I want to get into it again although I like that I can get frozen shu mai and har gow because those are my favorites. I also love the char siu bao just because of manapua but I'm avoiding bread products now. It's been 2 weeks now I've been diligent on my diet. Tomorrow is when I was planning on making a free day but with my injury I just may postpone that. I REALLY love that I haven't been hungry.

I was hoping George would have the same experience but he didn't.

I keep reading online forums. I bought some sort of muscle treatment thing for $99 that is supposed to decrease my recovery time significantly. Athletes usually suffer this injury so recovery is a huge concern. The more things I've read actually make me feel better because I think I have a stage 2 since I'm not in constant pain. It really bothers me in the morning for some reason when I just get up from bed.

My mother's been great about preparing food... when she wakes up that is - I think I gave her a sufficient guilt trip yesterday. I asked her to cut an apple for me. She did AND she also skinned it which was more than I needed but I appreciated what she did.

I found a recipe for that Thai chicken coconut soup I had at Sawadee and I bought all the ingredients. I'm going to have my mother make it with canned chicken. I'm sure it'll turn out fine although I wanted to try it myself first.

It's Sunday and I'm missing church today. The first 3 days of rest are supposed to be critical in the recovery process so I'm hoping this will be day 3 and that I'll begin to see improvement. I bought that recovery kit online so it should take a couple days to get here.

I'm going to apply for online teaching jobs next week so I can start working now as I recover.

I tried buying some crutches from DI. George said they always have them and he was right. Unfortunately hobbling is better and the crutches actually just got in the way. My mother was insufferable today. I was annoyed with her because she didn't get up and I had to make my own breakfast which isn't a big deal if I could walk normally.

Hobbling happens because if any weight is put on my calf it is very painful. I haaate this so much. I sent an email to some guy over the English teachers at Stevens-Henager in Murray. It would be sooo perfect for real estate. I don't know why this is so difficult. I'm going to try to teach online. That'll be something I can start right away and not have to make accommodations for myself just so I can work.

My mother kept accusing me of not praying enough or not being willing to work somewhere else. I DID pray about where my Father in Heaven wants me to be and it is up to me. I am sure of that. She told me to ask my bishop. She likes to get her bishops to confirm anything she feels led to do because she doesn't trust her insight. I don't think so!!!

I think of how I worked and lived in Logan and how much I hated living there. I am so happy I don't live there anymore. Nothing is wrong with it, it just isn't for me. My mother kept telling me I'm not listening to my father in heaven and that I am a daughter of Zion referred to in the scriptures because I have a lot of shoes and clothes. I told her I actually understand that scripture because I discussed it in institute and that maybe if she even attended Young Women she'd know.

This is going to be the looongest recovery EVER. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this. I can't believe it happened to me years ago. My leg may not be broken but it might as well be with the looong recovery time and inconvenience incurred.

I can't believe this. When I broke my leg it was a day before my insurance kicked in. I was alright in the end BUUUT still I went through hell. I kept thinking this injury was like a sprained ankle BUUUT it ISN'T and I could be out of commission for up to 3 months. I am lucky I don't have a job but I still need to keep applying so I keep getting my unemployment which should rend in 5-6 weeks.

I don't believe this happened to me now. I'm going to do everything I found online to make this better but I'm trying to avoid going to see a doctor without insurance and without a job. George encouraged me to teach at Stevens-Henager College. That could be a great option for me because it would provide the gas money I need but it would also allow me to work real estate the way I want to do.

Damn!!! So freaking annoying!!! Last night George came over and brought the dim sum pot I forgot at his house when we went to say goodbye to Nata. I was ready to attend my institute class but I didn't go because I rarely see my brother. I gave him my Dr. Furhman book and he committed to follow it for a week. His website is filled with encouraging testimonials. Just learning about eliminating sugar, red meat, dairy, eggs and processed foods seems difficult but it hasn't been tough.

Steel cut oats are filling as are the beans and I am supposed to eat a cup of beans a day. They are very satisfying. The vegetables haven't been a problem either.

During a fun Zumba song this morning I felt a pop and now I can't put weight on my left leg. At a minimum I can't use my leg for 5 days. Perfect for someone who doesn't have a job yet. My instructor training is scheduled for the beginning of March. I may just have to reschedule AGAIN!!!

I think I'm getting my mother to cook like I eat too. This is very good because it means I have more choices to eat too.

I can't believe I pulled my calf muscle. I can hobble but it is very awkward and I'm not going anywhere until it's healed.

I don't know how long this is going to take.

The more I keep reading the more worried about this I am.

 I love my Zumba class so much. I keep trying to get ahold of George to see if he wants to take the instructor training with me in March. While I paid for it yesterday it came off my account which is weird because I could see the payment there yesterday but now I don't see it. I it when this happens because now I have to mentally subtract that amount from my total.

I got ahold of my brother and he has a lot of bills that came up so he can't join me.

This is a beautiful Isaiah chapter. The entire thing should be read aloud it is so pretty. I love it when the entire chapter is poetry. I appreciate good writing. I didn't watch the SOTU address last night. I should have forced myself. I am afraid I'm shallow in certain things.

I love that I've changed my eating habits and am going to Zumba every Monday through Friday. I want to add weights and another Zumba sesh each day and then on Saturday too. It feels great and I need to give myself the chance to lose weight and become healthier. I was looking at Sinai's EMZ pictures and she has people who have been attending over 5 years. I don't want to be like the people George told me about that attend Zumba regularly but haven't lost any weight.

I need to change or what the hell am I doing this for? I feel so much better. I feel marvelous. This could be why I haven't found a job yet, Heavenly Father is letting me get healthier, lose weight and eliminate my diabetes.

I don't know if it is wrong but I want to get a job and have a handle on my finances before I start dating anyone. I want to be well in reach of my physical goals too. I have so many opportunities. I am so blessed.

I FINALLY registered to take my instructor training. This is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time and I'm happy I finally did it. I have a little over a month to do all the things I want to do to improve my stamina and tone until then. I'm so excited. Life may suck in many ways right now but I am so grateful for EMZ and that my health is better. I am diabetic so it's not like I really had a choice. I knew for awhile now I needed to lose weight and change my bad habits.

Healthy choices

I am sticking with this plan because I don't get hungry and it works for me. I can feel my face thinner and my clothes already fit better. Funny how fast that works. I am looking forward to my free day however although I know this is how I can eat for a long time. Funny my choices are more limited but it's easier even than the Yoli plan. Learning to prepare real food is a treat too. I am cooking some black beans I soaked last night in my rice cooker. It worked for my garbanzo beans too.

My mother made some sort of chicken, celery, bell peppers, oyster sauce creation last night that was scrumptious. Every time I start writing in this thing it starts to act up.

I can't believe it's the 20th already. I have an editing test to take at the church office building today. While that is good I also already took an editing test recently that I had to email back to some guy for an editing/writing job for the priesthood department. I'm very sick of applying, interviewing and smiling. I'm just ready to work.

I feel great about how I changed my eating habits but I still need to do an additional zumba sesh at home and then also incorporate weights. I remember last week when I first did zumba with this nutritarian diet and I felt super tired after and during I didn't have the strength I wished I did. I can tell I'm stronger because all the zumba songs feel like they end too early now.

I missed FHE last night. I just didn't feel like being cold and getting ready to go to Kearns where FHE was held last night at the Olympic Oval. The editing test is NOT anwainterview although I al

EMZ was great this morning. I think I'm getting used to eating this way because working out was fine. Last night I got super-hungry so I kept eating what I could. I ate 2 of my pomegranate plastic things, steel-cut oatmeal, veggies with the left-over lentils.

I'm not sure how to make my additional meals today but tempura is going to be one of them. Actually I am going to eat some eggplant. I just thought of that. There's no use buying it if I don't cook it.
I am having fun learning how to cook new things. The church called me to see if I would visit them to take an editing test. It is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 am. I just want a job already.

Yesterday I talked to my visiting teacher Jacque. It is weird that she is my visiting teacher because she had a similar job-hunting period in her life. She is still going through a lot of trial despite finding a job she loves. She plays violin with the orchestra at temple square and the job she took is at a private school that is run by people who advocate LDS values. They are taking a trip to Greece they told her about in her interview. She was just told they can't accommodate her for the trip. In addition to that she has been with the orchestra for over 14 years and has never gone on a trip with them. She was just told she wouldn't go on the latest trip to Spain.

She told me she didn't care about traveling as much but her brother travels with his family 4x a year all over the world. She was telling me she only went to a couple places with her family growing up.It

Last night I decided to attend an intellectual freedom dinner meeting with Jonathan Kelly who is the Director of the Freedom To Read Foundation. It is part of ALA and he is based in Chicago. Denae, Wanda, Trish, Dustin and then this U librarian Greg Hatch also attended. Conversation was completely boring to me but I hung in there and tried to enjoy it. Listening to Greg was good for me. His specialty and/or interests lie in Art in the library and he does exhibits at the library and has a lot of overlap with the art department at the University of Utah as well as the University's Museum of Fine Art. He is also heavily involved with plays at the University.

I'm sure he thinks their museum is substantial, IT ISN'T. Although unless he traveled and explored more he'd never really know that. His knowledge however is vast and he is definitely a professional I could learn from. Interacting with him as little as I did made me realize academic librarianship is something I could actually enjoy doing.

In all I felt like a complete fish out of water although I was very happy Trish was there. She was the only person there last night with a rock testimony who is also a consummate professional. She is the librarian I want to become. She manages a public library very well. I never wanted to be an academic librarian filled with specialized knowledge isolated in my own pretentious ivory tower. I kept thinking how Shem would fit into that perfectly. To me he should be a college English professor since its where his interests lie.

I like that I don't look like the typical librarian. I applied for that diversity resident position at the U and I would enjoy that very much. That type of solid experience would be great for me. Perhaps performing well at an academic library is the only way to get the credit I want to have. People will always underestimate me. It may be the only way and maybe that's why I'm not getting a job yet. I never applied for a University of Utah position just because I didn't want to work for an academic library. I'd rather work for the U just because I don't want to live in or have to commute to Provo.

1 Nephi 17

2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

And this is one of the reasons why I will never become a vegan or vegetarian although I feel great as far as eating all these veggies, beans, seeds and fruits is concerned. The end of tomorrow will mark one week of eating like this. After my second week I will give myself a free day and eat whatever I want. I still need to incorporate weights and do another Zumba session each day. 

Tuesday I'm paying for my Zumba certification on March 6th.  I can't wait!!!

Day 5 of my Dr. Fuhrman eating it is surprisingly easy. That is fantastic.

38 Now, he says that the Lord has talked with him, and also thatangels have ministered unto him. But behold, we know that he lies unto us; and he tells us many things by his cunning arts, that he may deceive our eyes, thinking, perhaps, that he may lead us away into some strange wilderness; and after he has led us away, he has thought to make himself a king and a ruler over us, that he may do with us according to his will and pleasure. And after this manner did my brother Lamanstir up their hearts to anger.

Laman had an angel appear to him not too long ago. What is his problem. 

Time to make shrimp, broccoli and mushrooms.

I ordered coconut soup at Sawadee early because Tatiana still wasn't there half an hour after she said she'd be there. It was sooo good, it inspired me to make some tomorrow. I cooked my own chickpeas/garbanzo beans this morning after soaking them last night. I just cooked them in my rice cooker. When that was done I cut squash and onions then added them to the beans along with a bunch of cherry tomatoes. I pan-fried all of this with coconut oil and cilantro plus salt, cumin and tumeric. It was pretty sutle but delicious.

I'm so glad I've learned to use different vegetables. I'm really glad I ordered that soup. It'll be delicious and it is something different to add to my arsenal of dishes. I can make my veggies Nepalese, Asian, Thai and while I hadn't considered it at first, I can also learn to make palusami thanks to Alisa.

I still need to cook my eggplant. I love how the Nepalese use veggies. I remember how Mele made them. I wish she could still teach me how to cook them. She made dahl with the lentils. I just need to do a few google searches. I thought I'd feel deprived eating like this but I don't.

The Institute class had a very good turn-out. I met some new people. One very good-looking AND dressed well just short. What is with the short men in Salt Lake City? His name is Patrick and he introduced himself to me. I thought fine BUUUT short. Funny Lulu told me Shem was short. I don't consider him short at all. He is average height. Stephen and Patrick are short. Patrick dresses well. Steve does too sometimes although he is inconsistent. Patrick has Curtis-style and looks without his height. Shem looked nice tonight at Tatiana's birthday party. He and Mike were there and it would've been nice to stay and chat with them but I didn't want to miss Institute especially since I missed the fireside.

If I had to do it again I would've hung out with Shem and Mike who I already know I enjoy and waited for Tatiana. Then I could easily have attended institute next week and developed my friendship with Tatiana more. She is very nice.

Today is a busy day beginning with an interview and then I have a birthday party to attend at Sawadee along with the Gospel Doctrine class. I need to check it out. I can't believe it's the 15th of January already. People are friendly here and it is easy for me to meet new people. Some individuals are so shy for nothing. I am so glad I never had that problem. I am excited to meet more people tonight at Tatiana's birthday and also at our Institute class. I'll give it a chance. I am glad it is so close. I think it's where the Menace society had gospel doctrine. Either that or it's a block away. I'm going to give it a chance but I know I still have the dances I can attend if that doesn't work.

I know how important my health is and I am feeling like maybe that's why I haven't found a job yet so I can focus on becoming as fit and as healthy as possible. If I end up not being able to have children because of something I did, that is going to be devastating to me. I want to be at my healthiest possible condition. I like this plan and while it sounds strict it really hasn't felt that way. I've eaten obsessively before which is why I think this hasn't felt difficult.

Eating a lot of vegetables almost seems like a no-brainer. My tiger shrimp I ate last night were scrumptious. I ate them with broccoli fried with mushrooms, sesame seeds shoyu and oyster sauce. I love oyster sauce. It might be off-limits but I'm eating it anyway. At the end of the second week of eating like this I'm giving myself a free day. Eating bad once a week is fine as long as you are eating well most of the time. This is the first diet and lifestyle change that recommends working out 2-3 times a day.

I read an article that helped me a little with my anxiety. It didn't include anything revolutionary, it just reminded me of what I already know. We choose who we then make our soul mate. While we should definitely look for someone with compatible qualities and characteristics that are important to us, WE will still need to compromise and adjust no matter who we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.

I am so comfortable with that and I am not worried. There are many great men here in Salt Lake City. I am grateful for the church and the programs they have. While the spirit is always the most important thing in the world, getting to know certain people and who we choose to know better is ALWAYS our choice. The perfect situation doesn't exist. I'm not going to find someone with EVERYTHING I want any more than I have everything someone else wants.

Something I am clear about however is I need to reach my health goals now. I am going to reverse diabetes and improve my fitness level mainly through.

This eating pattern is alright. I bought a bunch of dried chickpeas, lentils, black beans and some sort of white bean. I am going to soak some tonight and then figure out how to cook it tomorrow. Weird because I was formerly eating a lot of different meat sources but I don't really need to at all. I can have fish and/or chicken 3x a week.

I'm not that attached to meat anyway. I'm not a vegan or vegetarian however although I am going to avoid animal products a little. The reviews for this book are incredible on Amazon so I'm excited to see what happens after my 12 weeks.

I started attending the Midsingles dance class on Thursday nights. Tomorrow however we have a new religion course advocated by some committee over ALL the Midsingles in the area. It is frustrating that it is on the same night. I enjoy dancing BUUUT AGAIN I need to get married more and I'd rather have someone who attends institute than someone who attends dance class. I wish I could get them to change the date.

Tomorrow is a birthday party for this girl in my ward too at one of my favorite restaurants Sawadee. It is my all-time favorite Thai place in Utah. Her party is at 7pm and the class is at 7:30 so I will attend both. I'm going to miss the dancing which incidentally ALSO begins at 7:00. In the future I'll leave dance early and attend institute. This is a program the church region is advocating and I think it's better than having all the many institute classes all over the valley.

The only time I feel a difference physically is when I go to Zumba. I sweat faster and get tired faster. I just need to keep consistent.

I read that chapter just to read it. Nothing stood out to me and that's probably my fault. For the past few days that's how I've been reading my scriptures. I've been here before and I know it is when I just power through because I know how important it is to read my scriptures. I'm definitely not feasting right now.

EMZ was difficult this morning probably because I ate veggies, fruit and nuts the day before. I'm sticking with Furhman's diet but I think I sweat more than normal this morning because of that. I can't wait to eat regular food again although I intend to eat like this for the most part.

I think my body is going through shock because this is how I always feel when I change the way I eat the second day. I'd like to buy some eggplant to eat. It is delicious with cumin. I also want some steel-cut oats since they're actually approved AND some chocolate protein powder. I could go to Walmart and get that done.

I am trying to attend activities. I still believe in supporting your own ward first however. Steve really is a good person. I should feel lucky to have met him BUT it is freaking me out right now or actually I thought about it last night. I haven't prayed about him or anything nor do I want to right now BUUUT I know he has the spirit and he strives consistently to do what is right. I really like that he has great leadership skills. There is nothing about him that should keep me from getting to know him better but I feel like I'm going to marry him because I think he's a good person and there's no reason not to marry him but I still don't want to do that.

I know annoying graduates some time this year and I was trying to find something about him online BUUUT I know that's grasping at straws. What is my problem. Have I just done this my entire life. Would I even want annoying if he wasn't ignoring me so completely. Do I just like a challenge and have I done that my entire life to avoid real life?

I have never felt the spirit guide me to someone so pointedly before and I REALLY tried there. He is so immature and annoying. I know I'd have more fun with him however. Steve and mature and outgoing. He knows how to interact appropriately with a variety of people. He has a fan club too but he pays me enough attention even when I don't so I don't care about them.

I never doubted in the least annoying's interest in me. I may not be able to have kids. That is huge for ANYONE I marry. I don't think it's wrong to use that as a deal-breaker although I don't want anyone to use that on me.

I am trying to do what is right and what will make me progress in life. I'm sure there are many men I could marry that Heavenly Father would be fine with. Am I choosing to be selfish and unhappy. I'm not unhappy although I know marriage is the only way I can enjoy complete joy. I believe what we've been told. I hope and pray my Father in Heaven helps me to make the choices I need to make. I want the courage I need to do this and not just be subject to cold feet.

After EMZ I decided to try to incorporate the latest Dr. Furhman diet which is mostly veggies, nuts and VEEERY limited meat. It hasn't been difficult. I want to do this until and then even after I take the EMZ certification this time in March since I didn't pay my fee on time. I don't want to pay over $225 for this especially since I don't know how soon I can teach classes and incorporate it into my life.

FHE was awesome, EXACTLY what I needed. We had an excellent speaker who reminded me of how many opportunities we all have and that we can do so much if we work hard and believe we can attain it. We should pursue our passion relentlessly which I completely agree with. It is so hard to maintain that faith. I want something part time that will allow me to pursue real estate with the vigor I want. I ALSO want my library job ALTHOUGH that is very discouraging right now.

I saw Steve tonight. He looks old which I don't like. I still have this young freshness that belies my age AND I'm still attracted to younger men. It'll only get worse as I get fitter and wear what I really want to all the time. I like his spirit however. He has a testimony and his spirit is obvious. He attends his ward activities AND more importantly he attends the temple. I still don't like his height.

I do like him in general. I always look to see if he's there at church or at any of our activities. The only thing that is stopping me from getting to know him better is the temple and how I didn't feel a thing when we were doing sealings. He hasn't gone to graduate school which I don't like either but maybe he wants to although if he hasn't gone yet it's hard to imagine he'll want to do that later.

He is definitely GA material even with the things I don't like which is why I should go for it. Shem is more fun AND looks better however. He looks younger too. I don't have the same spiritual sense Steve gives off however.

I love the scripture the man who spoke to us tonight shared. It is in Alma 29:4

4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to theirdesire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

It was so nice to see my nieces and nephews and cousins today who I haven't seen in such a long time. When I first moved to Utah I spent every holiday with Mele and her kids. I saw them grow up and I love them so much. They are so cute.

Nate gave a good talk. He grew up partly in Hawaii and then he served in Hawaii. Pretty freaky. The only one of my nieces and nephews who has a spouse or boyfriend who is Poly is my gay nephew. My nephew Sione lives in St. George. He doesn't go to school or anything. I'm not sure what's up with him. Noke's boyfriend is fine. Of course he is.

It is still weird to me Noke is gay. This is a trip that his boyfriend is Poly too.

Saia and his family came too. It was good to catch up with him at least a little.

I detest bowling BUUUT since I was invited to someone's birthday party in my new ward I decided to attend. He had a super turnout which was very nice. It really wasn't so bad although it is NOOOT going to be something I ever do on a regular basis. My friend from my ward Valerie was there and I think she's dating John. I'm glad because he is awesome and so is she. The other guys on our bowling team wanted to know if we were sisters. Uh... NOOO!!! I'm just glad she's pretty because if she wasn't I would've been ticked.

I couldn't figure out what to get him so I ended up getting one of the huge slices of cake sold everyday at the Mexican bakery in the Mexican grocery store near my house. A slice is 3.99 which is perfect for a birthday for someone I don't know very well who was nice enough to invite me to his birthday party.

I'm glad I attended. I am constantly forcing myself to attend things I want to go to but I know are going to take an effort for me to have fun at BUUUT what living in Logan taught me is getting myself there is half the battle. I'm not shy, it's just not something I would choose to do on my I own.

Nephi 1:10

Nothing sticks out. Maybe I'm being lazy.

Sometimes people get the hell on my nerves. Some people mean well but are so patronizing despite themselves. I saw Julie at church Sunday. It was good to see her. Tatiana was excited to talk to me about the dance because we had a blast on New Years Eve. Julie asked Tatiana if it was part of her culture. Tatiana said no she likes to dance but her mother doesn't. She said something similar to me in Logan. She doesn't mean to be offensive. She just has a naturally pretentious attitude and comes off as thinking she's more intelligent than the little brown native girls. Tatiana is from Brazil. I'm glad she answered that way.

Even if I enjoy dancing that doesn't mean it is part of me just because I'm Poly. People tend to treat me like I'm a talented dancer because that's not threatening. It would be nice for a change to be treated as someone who is intelligent for a change. BUUUT because I'm brown the assumption first is that I'm stupid.

I love my EMZ. I can''t miss a class. I just love it.

This is a call center run by the church. They are searching for people to help with a new missionary campaign that provides support to missionaries worldwide who might have questions with the specific missionary site or the ipads they are all receiving now. I think that is amazing they are doing that. They told me following their missions the missionaries will take home their ipads.

It is weird to me the church has a call center. It is awful I may be working at a call center again BUUUT I think I'd enjoy this AND it is 4 blocks from my mother's house. It would take me less than 5 minutes to get there. I can't wait to start real estate. I would never work there full time but I do like that it's part time. Eventually I want to work just 2 or 3 days a week.

WHATEVER. I have no expectations either way. I just really need a job. I applied for the U's diversity resident position. It can start as late as July but for priority consideration applications had to be in by February 15. I want to work at a public library BUUUT all I do is keep applying and applying and applying and applying. It is frustrating and it makes me feel like a complete loser.

Tonight I went to a Mid-singles dance class. We went over the Cumbia and East Coast Swing. I looove that this is NOT country dancing!!! It is still dancing however and I love all this stuff. I took a social dance class my freshman year at BYU and while it was fun there were so many REALLY good people there. I should have learned anyway. I'm a lot different now. Myra from my ward was there. It was nice to see her. Everyone else was new.

I really like Jenn the girl who taught us the East Coast Swing. She spent a lot of time in Hawaii and went to BYU Hawaii. I like the group. I am glad I made myself attend because it is something I've been interested in doing for a long time.

This book I'm trying to get through is veeery dry. It is by Dr. Joel Fuhrman and it is specifically written to reverse diabetes. It is VEEERY strict. The reviews on Amazon are glowing. I need to try everything he recommends. I am waaay overdue for a shopping trip to get the food I am allowed to eat.

Tomorrow is this guy in my ward's birthday party at a bowling alley. He is over FHE in the ward. He is awesome. He has special needs but he also works as a real estate agent so he is very high-functioning special needs. He has difficulty walking and speaking. There was a very nice guy in my ward in Logan who had special needs and had difficulty walking too. He didn't have any speech problems however. I was surprised only 1 person from my ward attended the dance class.

 I love that restaurant. HOWEVER... Helene had some trouble so we had to cancel dinner ALTHOUGH I was at the restaurant when this occurred. Actually my pumpkin curry is better than their Mussaman curry. I can't believe I used to order it a bunch before I left Salt Lake City.

1 Nephi 8
I am sleepy this morning. I did Zumba and took my shower immediately when I got home. I need to get ready for my interview. It is supposed to take 1 to 1 1/2 hours. Why? I guess I'll find out. I am trying to read my Eat to Live book by Dr. Furhman. It is supposed to be an eating plan to reverse diabetes.
 Why am I sleepy

I'm having dinner tonight with Helene at Sawadee. She wanted to know if I wanted to go to institute with Heather later that night. I don't so I told her that. She hasn't responded. The temple was awesome last night. My RS president Emily came. I know she likes Steve. I don't know why they aren't dating. She is a sweet pretty nurse who is also spiritual. What's not to like? I saw Amber and Lona there. He was in my Tongan YSA ward. It was so nice to see them there. She is in my Zumba class so I get to see her all the time.

I talked to bishop and Rachel. I am going to try to work there on Tuesdays. Rachel is Renee's sister. She is more active than Renee. She told me she worked 2 hours in initiatories yesterday. I was worried about having enough work on a day other than Saturday because I don't want to work on a Saturday again. Benson is a veil worker. Ding ding!!! He is a complete gentleman surgeon who owns his own home in the Avenues. I took a picture with him at the New Years Dance and he just looks old. He looks alright in person. Definitely tall just not as confident or outgoing as Steve.

I didn't feel like going to the temple tonight but I did anyway. If I can go to Zumba at 5:30 am I can certainly go to the temple. I am so glad I did. I miss working there so badly. I talked to bishop about that and he said to email him to remind him and he'll get the process started. I love initiatories the most and I want to do that again. I wanted to wait to get a job first but I'm going to do this first and then make adjustments if I need to do that.

I miss it so much. Working in the temple forces you to get in the right frame of mind. I need that constant visit to that place. Steve was there. He is so great. I love his activity in the church and I like him as a person. I saw Amber and Lona there. It was great. Ambe

5 Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world.

Extremely short chapter this morning.

FHE last night was super crowded. I'm not s if people resolved to attend this year or not.

My shorty friend Steve has a huge fan following including this girl who sat by me last night Calene. Then there's my RS President Emily who sat by him when she walked in and Annette another RS President. They are all really nice women especially my RS president and Annette. You can tell they have super-strong testimonies. Emily is a nurse and Annette I don't know. 

EMZ is always wonderful. I feel like I've been on a huge Zumba vacay. It was nice to finish it. My mother thinks I should apply for and take a job that doesn't pay well. She wants me to work for the airlines so she gets free flight benefits. She told me I'm putting riches before what I should. I don't think so. I didn't get 2 master's degrees to go and work somewhere for $10 an hour or even $15
-she needs to get a grip.

I am applying for the diversity resident librarian at the University of Utah. She is driving me crazy. I know the position can start as late as July BUUUT I need it now.

I don't want to drive to Draper to attend this fireside but I should go that's what you do when you are trying to find and marry your eternal companion.

Curtis posted some pictures of he and his family. He is in full-on grizzly bear beard mode AND he is still hot. I guess when you look that good it doesn't matter what you do with your facial hair. He is the ONLY guy I know who can get away with that. He isn't half-Chinese or half anything. He is completely white but he is completely beautiful.

There's a Midsingles fireside in Draper. There's a fireside next week too and gas will go down if I go all the way to Draper. It's not like I don't know how the hell to get there and I love Draper. The neighborhoods and amenities are all things I like. My gas tank is full.

So I looked at Shem's brother's page. I think I was just in shock to see someone Asian. Shem is the best-looking. I saw pics of his brother singing so he probably shares that in common with Shem. I have absolutely no sense of either's spiritual state from their pages BUUUT then that really doesn't indicate anything.

I like the name Shem. I am grateful there are so many different men I am meeting here. I saw and danced with Steve too. He was looking pretty dapper as well. I know he is good spiritually. I wish I felt something at the temple that one time. It makes me think he's not for me but he's the best spiritually that I've met and he doesn't look bad. He's just short which I hate. It was so refreshing to go to a dance and have fun dancing to good CURRENT music played on a nice sound system at a nice venue. I was impressed and glad I went. I was exhausted that day. I wore flat boots instead of the stilettos I should've worn.

Since Shem looked pretty spiffy at the New Years Dance and got rid of the facial hair I decided to look at his Facebook page closer and I'm pretty sure he is 1/2 Chinese. Who knew there were so many with that combination outside of Hawaii. That's why he looks Hawaiian. He has a brother named Han which is completely a Chinese name and he looks Chinese too. He is gorgeous. He lives in New York and was an English major too. He was raised I think in Ogden which is where his friend I met is from.

Shem doesn't look bad especially since he shaved AND he sings and dances well. I love that he was an English major too BUUUT he also has some hipster tendencies I don't like and his apartment is awful. I am grateful to have him as a friend but I'm not sure we could ever be more than that. I don't feel like he wants more anyway. I don't have any sense of his spiritual state although losing the facial hair is a veeery good thing to me. I'm afraid he's disenchanted with the gospel although he hasn't done anything to give me that impression.

I was thinking about the position at the University of Utah for a Diversity Library Resident. How can this position NOT be tailor-made for me? I could finally finish my 2nd bachelor degree in broadcast journalism WITH 1/2 off tuition. Plus I could get a Master degree in Art History, something I've always been interested in. Regardless, I am still more interested in public librarianship BUUUT no one seems to want to give me a chance and I am sick of trying. The residence pays 53,000 a year which is alright supplemented with real estate. It is a 2-year commitment I want because it won't be out of Salt Lake City. It will also provide me with the skills to be employed at ANY University Library ANYWHERE. 

This morning I didn't even hear my 4:40 alarm so I missed the first EMZ session of the year BUUUT I was so sleepy and I think I was sleep deprived because I did get up at 5:30 and decided not to get up then and catch most of Zumba. Instead I slept until it was almost 9am. Now I ate my leftover pizza and junkfood I bought yesterday.

My friend messaged me 2 pictures from high school. Wow!!! Major blast from the past. I'm not really doing anything. I need to put away stuff in my room. It is messy.

I read 1 Nephi 2. I know the beginning of the Book of Mormon very well from my many attempts to read the entire thing when I was young. The first time I actually read it in its entirety was before my mission. I read it along with the church's officially commentary. I don't know why it suddenly made a difference. I took the first Book of Mormon class at BYU but I don't think I was ready then for it to sink in.

I went to seminary too. Why did all of my attempts FINALLY work. How did it make a difference then and I am so grateful it did. If I had any idea how amazing the Book of Mormon was when I first encountered it I think I would've tried harder. Now that I do know I don't think my parents taught me the way they could have. I often felt the spirit but as far as cultivating it and courting it, I didn't experience that until the MTC.

That is such crucial knowledge I am grateful to have in my life now. I wonder how many members of the church were raised like me, with all the semblance of activity but without the spirit being central in their lives or focusing on how the Savior always makes the difference and using that as the measurement for anything we do.

I just applied for 2 jobs so far. I need to do this each week until my unemployment runs out. I need something asap and I just want something close by that I can do just to fill my gas tank as I pursue my real estate career. It would be fantastic if I was hired as a part time librarian with the City Library but they seem to ignore ANY time I apply for ANY position there. I really don't want to be an academic librarian. HOWEVER the University of Utah has a diversity position I should apply for. That is NOOOT where I want my career to go but it starts over 50,000 a year and would allow me to at least work in my profession.

We had our last EMZ session of the year yesterday morning at 5:30 when I got home I jumped in the shower and got ready to leave. At the end of that I hit up the SouthEastAsia Market on 9th South since they have frozen dim sum for 5 something each. They can be steamed and are delicious. I bought 4 trays to take to Alisa and George's house.