Urban Poly Princess

Wow!!! I thought I was already gone BUT-today it is worse. I just saw him last night but I miss him and I keep thinking about that -L word. I'm not even dating him. That -L word is scary to me. My brain is not working very well. I've been here before but it happened gradually. This is too intense too fast. I want to hug him, kiss him on his forehead and hold his hand. Mild by the standards of the world BUT not mild for me. I didn't even really talk to him last night. How much worse would I be if I did? I guess it is good I was all comfortable, relaxed and in my own head. I can't imagine it being worse but I know it will be a lot worse I know that's how it's supposed to be BUT there is something terrifying about not being able to control my feelings. Actions have always been easy for me to control. My mouth never has been. I ALWAYS say things I regret. Feelings however I can't do anything about unless I eliminate ANY interaction. AVOIDANCE is the only way I can turn this off BUT I can't do that now and I know I'm not supposed to do that. I feel like I got on a roller coaster that doesn't end and I can't get off. Part of me knows it has to be like this BUT there's something also attractive about calm-the problem is it is boring. I know I prefer exciting over boring anyday HOWEVER-I also know while the highs will be much better the lows will also be acute and harrowing. Whatever-I STILL CHOOSE THIS-I'm grateful I listened to the spirit FINALLY. I need to keep remembering that and keep trusting this.