Urban Poly Princess

Today I made it right in time for the sacrament hymn. Our choir also sang. Our song was beautiful. I still feel stupid at practice but I feel better about my ability to follow along. Krista wants to take me to dinner at Elements Tuesday. She said because she was leaving to Taiwan soon. I don't consider December soon but I suppose it is since we're almost at the end of October. I just figured out I should be buying HE or high efficiency detergent for my HE washer and dryer. Sun liquid detergent that is HE is $5 at Family Dollar that does 125 washes. That is incredible and I should definitely buy some.

The suds from regular detergent are supposed to be bad for HE washers. This girl talked about what an incredible deal the Sun detergent was then mentioned how they were HE. Thank You Google for telling me what that means. I do have an HE washer although I didn't know what HE stood for.

I wanted to see someone, ANYONE!!! attractive to me at church. NADA!!! I feel like a Mormon Nun. I want to get married asap but I haven't meet anyone I'm even remotely attracted to right now. I want to have faith but it is REALLY hard ESPECIALLY being led away from Rich so specifically. Attractive AND I enjoy his company AND he's intelligent AND he does what I wanted to do AND he reads and Atlas Shrugged at that AND he's 1/2 Chinese raised initially in Hawaii. The alternatives ALL look horrible to me. NOOO I don't like his divorce, X-wife OR 4 kids BUT I know I'd have fun with him and he is fine. I never got the feeling he was in to me as any more than a friend BUT at least I wanted the option to pursue that myself.

And this is me having a pity party for myself. How fortunate I really am to have the gospel in my life, to work in the temple, to work at a job I love, to be learning to be a real estate agent, to be learning more about how to coupon effectively and stock my food storage. To live in a beautiful apartment where I am left alone for the most part is amazing.

BUT the MOST important thing I should be doing now is finding my husband. It is why I should've gone to singles conference, it's why I should attend all these activities. It just feels like I force myself to attend these things hoping to just meet someone normal I could even consider having a relationship with let alone marry. It's been over 10 years since my mission ended. I've never been inactive or had to return to the church. I've always known it was true. What am I doing wrong? I shouldn't have to force myself to have a good time. I'm depressing myself. What is this going to take?

It's not like I don't pray about this over and over and over again. Most people are working on their families. I just want to be able to have my own children right now. I want to find someone I can be happy with. Some things should be effortless. I want someone like Rich without the divorce, ex-wife or 4 kids. I want someone smart enough to get how smart I am, someone spiritual enough to get how spiritual I am AND someone who can make me laugh. I want someone who treats me like a queen and makes me feel like a princess. My dad and my brother treated me well. My brother still treats me well. If any man can be half the husband and father my brother is I would be the luckiest girl in the world.

My sister-in-law and nieces and nephews should NEVER forget how lucky they are to have my brother in their lives. I don't even if I did when we were growing up. I love and miss my nieces and nephews so much. They remind me of how awesome it is to have a family and how great it'll be to FINALLY have my own children although adoption may be my only option by the time I get married. I hope and pray that it isn't. I wish I could just have my kids now and get married later. I know that's not the plan and I trust in that plan. JOY in my posterity, you need to have one first.

2 Nephi 11