Urban Poly Princess

I am fine physically BUT I am not feeling good emotionally. I am consistent about attending Zumba but I'm eating crap so while I'm getting fit I'm not losing the weight I want to lose. It is extremely annoying. Maybe if I was working I wouldn't feel like this. I should be happy I was FINALLY contacted by the church to take a writing test and then now I actually have an interview and teaching demo set-up for Tuesday at 3pm. I logged in to my LDS profile and they have that I applied for some clerk job and an editor position with the Joseph Smith project which was one of the first jobs I applied for BUUUT the last editor job I applied for was with the priesthood department. There is no record of that and then the writing test was specifically with the church magazines.

All these other stupid jobs I keep applying for NO ONE CALLS ME!!! The Better Business Bureau was alright but I don't envision myself sitting on the phone. After working as a librarian I can't go back, even as a substitute. That is depressing but everything else is depressing too. I know heavenly father specifically helped me with real estate but without a part time job I'm not even going to start that. I hate that me starting that keeps getting moved.

I want to find someone to date and have a family with. I know in my head how important that is...STILL why the hell do I still feel like I have to force myself to meet people? It is easy for me to talk to anyone and I usually enjoy the people once I get a chance to meet them and talk to them a little but there is still no one I know well enough to get excited about seeing. I love that so many men in my ward and that I'm meeting now have their own homes and good jobs. I love that I've met several doctors, attorneys and engineers.  I don't know what is wrong with me. Men are that they might have joy. This is all supposed to bring me joy, IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T. I am so blessed to have my testimony but it doesn't change how I feel right now. Why the damn pity party? I don't know. There is a Mid Singles formal dance tonight I should be at with Mike if Steve ultimately doesn't do it for me. I never see Mike in the temple however. No one does it for me. Why not???!!! I don't want to be this bitter jaded biatch but I am feeling that way. I feel like I am doing everything I am supposed to do, I am trying so hard BUUUT I'm not getting a job, I'm not meeting anyone I even want to date, I'm not even getting called to interview for stupid jobs they usually give to anyone with a pulse.

I want to just snap out of this feeling but if I knew that I wouldn't be sitting here watching the Beverly Hills wives reality show on a Friday night. I would've figured out someone to go to that dance with and I'd be having fun... only I don't think I really would be having fun, I think I'd be forcing myself to enjoy someone's company and trying to spend my time in pursuit of my goal to get married and have a family. I have fun when I initially have to force myself BUUUT there's always something missing.