Urban Poly Princess

I'm not ready to debut Moxy yet. I heard from Sarah at LDS Business College. She let me know I didn't get the job. I also received a similar message from Crystal at Broadview University. Finally Melissa called me from Elwood Staffing to tell me I didn't get the job with Verisk but she's submitting my resume to some other company. I didn't want Broadview but I would've liked LDS Business College and their location is so ideal.

I am interviewing for the Campus Manager position at Zaniac. I could and would enjoy working there BUUUT they need to pay me at least 45,000 or they can forget it. It sounds more like an admissions director. It is sales driven. I have an appointment scheduled for 10am Tuesday. I am going to leave soon to go to Kaho's graduation dinner/dance. It is from 6pm to 11pm but I don't plan on staying there that long.

I sweat buckets during my zumba workout with my DVD this morning. I am still taking cold showers. I like it although I don't really see any difference.

I applied for this online. The program is STEM focused and just sounds so very cool. It encourages kids to explore and excel in math science and engineering. It teaches computer coding, programming, gaming and robotics. It just sounds amazing. It would be fun to lead this school. I will write back and set my interview time. Zaniac is the name of the Learning Center. I am excited to interview for something so different.

Once I decided yesterday that I wanted to write a professional blog ideas have been hitting me all over the place. Organizing my thoughts for others to read is something I can do right now. I don't need to be hired to do this for someone else. I can and will do it right now or beginning today.Why am I not exploiting this tool that will only help me become the consummate professional I want to be. I can go in so many different directions from here. I can and am going to write about my culture and my religion. I was thinking about Moxy and how I want that for a name for my blog because UNLESS it is vulnerable why is anyone going to want to read it. I am going to begin it today and actually invite people to read it from my Facebook page. I need an instagram account too. I have the requisite Twitter and Facebook.

I love talking to my brother because he always tells me what I need to work on and he always helps me see things clearly. He advised me to begin blogging about the industry I want to be an expert in. I want to be a super-librarian but I really like the idea of traveling and presenting stuff at conferences all over the place. It would be so sweet to do that across the country. Any librarian job I finally get is going to love that I do that. I also want to work on getting published.

Something I thought of when I interviewed with the church history library is how I can use this time now to research what I'm interested in and begin writing about those things. I really love the church and its history in the Pacific. Especially in this new age of transparency. I would looove writing about that. I have to completely develop an expertise in general for libraries. I want to work on stuff that reflects how libraries are changing. George made me realize I can develop my own stuff and travel for myself and not just working for some company although I definitely want to work for a library if this SirsiDynix position doesn't come through. Even if it does I am going to develop my skills so I can speak about a range of things. I love the gospel, my Pacific Islander heritage and libraries and people in general. I'm going to figure that out tomorrow. I am also going to register with 3 school districts as a substitute teacher so I can have some sort of income.

This is exciting to me and I need to work on developing things I'm interested in and pursue that with the dedication it deserves. It is one way I can develop myself. I am grateful for my brother and the insight he gave me. I am going to join toastmasters too. I want to work on my presentation skills by doing it often. I want to write books and articles and speak at librarian conferences. I want to develop my research on gospel topics too so I can present at the church historical association. It is an area that needs attention.

Life is good even if I am still unemployed AND I still haven't heard from anyone.

I am in the library parking lot using their internet since it isn't too hot today and I can park in the shade an write stuff on my laptop. I applied for a bunch of jobs. I called Elwood Staffing who said they weren't told whether I got the position or not even if they didn't call me Friday or Monday. I applied. for 4 jobs online just now.

I haven't heard from anyone from ANY job I interviewed for last week. What the heo is up with that. AT LEAST I thought I'd get a rejection email but NOOO. Nada.

I called Elwood staffing to take a call center job and he wanted me to go there to take tests. I assured him I already did without anything happening. I want ice-cream right now. I'm trying to think of how much McDonalds cone is or where they sell something similar. I have a dollar and .28 in change and 45.00. I think I should just go home and cut some strawberries up to eat and make some of my Stevia lemonade. I'm done with applying. I worked out this morning and did my daily scripture reading and conference talk. I still feel entitled. I am grateful too and I know how much I'm blessed. I still can't help but wonder why I haven't been hired yet. I really want SirsiDynix still. They have an entry-level marketing person available but I don't want to be considered for it until they first consider me for the product specialist job. I like the company and I can see myself staying there forever.

Back to life back to reality. Back to the here and now. Takes me waaay back. I just worked out and I don't feel like it was tough enough. Time for my cold shower!

So new attitude too. Yesterday most of my entire day was taken by Veronica who REALLY wanted to take me to lunch. There are always women who REALLY want to be my friend and I usually avoid them when they do that UNLESS they are relentless like she's been. I gave her every excuse in the world why I couldn't but she never quit so yesterday she treated me to lunch. I think she just wanted to talk. She grew up in California with her dad who suffered from ptsd from the Vietnam war and was also an alcoholic. She became a single mom at 28 then joined the church after a year of investigating. She really misses fireside and the social aspect singles enjoy in the church. I never really thought about that before. I told my mother I need to get to know guys better NOT women a and she reminded me my father in heaven knows that. I guess I just need to have faith for both my professional and personal life. As long as I do everything in my power anything that doesn't or doesn't occur is my Father's will. Sooo I just need to stop tripping all the Damn time. One thing Veronica was telling me yesterday is she wasn't impressed by a ward friend who was telling her how her daughter had her first kiss. I had to explain to her that most people were fine with kissing and even making out casually and even in high school. She was shocked and told me kissing leads to other things and she's always told her daughter who is 14 now she'll get pregnant if she starts kissing guys. That was so interesting to me. I always attributed my views on kissing to my extreme Tongan conservative upbringing but Veronica came to the same conclusions all by herself. I know now why she tries so hard to include me in her life. It is the gospel.

I hope I never take it for granted. The church really does a fantastic job of providing spiritual opportunities for singles. It doesn't do the same for people who are married. I'm also beginning to understand Krista better. She kept wanting to attend my ward activities and I kept steering her to the family ward. She misses that singles interaction or at least having friends her age to relate to on a consistent basis.

Veronica told me she hasn't been two a fireside in the 3 years she's been married. This is a segment of the church with needs that aren't being met. I don't really feel like I'm supposed to meet these however. I think I should get to know singles and concentrate my efforts first on my ward. I feel like I should get to know Uai just because he is Tongan, a professional in the medical field and I am pretty sure he can support a family well. He is spiritually fine inasmUch as I can tell now. Maybe once I get to know him he'll begin to be attractive to me. I have to introduce myself at least and be his friend at a minimum. I've been reluctant to do that since I know his sister and first cousin very well. I know he's never been married at least not as far as I know. He is tall at least. Why wouldn't I want a family with someone like him. I'm not attracted to him or I would've found out what he was all about a long time ago. I want the immediate thing. I am going to find out anyway I don't know anything about him but at least I like what I don't know so far. His testimony is there. I just don't know how committed he is. Steve is the level I want. Annoying has it too but if I didn't know him I'd never know that. I don't think it's and accident Uai or anyone else is in my ward. Especially with my inability to go anywhere really now. I feel like if I don't at least get to know Uai I'm not doing my part to find my eternal companion.

I had unemployment until almost the end of April. My temp job allowed me to present at ula. That was in April and May. I'm in July now it's not like I haven't had any money for close to a year. I had unemployment for most of that time ago. 300 a week for 8 months straight is nothing to sneeze at then I got that temp job at a little over 400 a week. It wasn't bad especially when you don't pay rent and your bills consist of 35.00 for my phone bill and 85 for my car insurance. I haven't had any significant car expenses. I just need help now. I paid my last bills by making my account go negative and taking out and extra 100 in case I need gas money. I always pay my tithing. I need to have faith I'll be able to pay this and better faith I'll be alright even if I can't pay it. My father in heaven knows I'm doing everything I can. I have to trust whatever i have to face. As long as I am doing my part I will be alright. I know that. Why the he'll am I tripping so much?

Kaho sent me a graduation party invitation for this Friday. It is a dinner and dance at some hotel. He is a good man. I love his family and I've known him since he was in Jr High School. I know his mother and most of his family would be fine if we hooked up. He is intelligent and he has amazing leadership skills. He went to USU too in Logan. Maybe one of the only things I hate. He is very musical and he was raised in a mansion in South Jordan. He really sounds amazing and he is amazing. What I really didn't like however is he wore tank tops on his business school trip to China. Why would you wear something you'd have to remove your garments to wear if you weren't going swimming? I REALLY didn't like that. Spoon I don't want to hook up with Kaho OR Uai from my ward. Not that either of them want to hook up with me. I just feel like I could easily. Uai wasn't raised in a mansion but he was raised in a very nice house even if it is in Rose Park. YES there are nice areas in Rose Park, Nooo I'm not raising my children there although South Jordan would be just fine.

I can't remain here very long. Even as I wrote that I felt selfish and as much as life sucks the world is still filled with so many blessings. I know I'll get a job sooner or later. I just wish I knew what this season is for because I really do feel like I'm in hell on earth. Remain in this dismal state. I want to be happy. I want to be productive. I will have my account closed then sent to collections. I'll have to get my mother to pay my phone bill and I'll just park my car because I can't afford to keep paying my insurance without a job.

I'll call temp agencies tomorrow. I just couldn't do it today.

I have no motivation at all.

I feel like I'm making one bad choice after another. I received no calls and no emails. I am reveling in a bad attitude and I didn't even workout this morning. Schoshi told me to consider yesterday a bad day but I'm going to include today as well. I feel really stupid and I just feel worse like I have sunk to lowest point in my life. No alcohol, drugs or sex isn't one of those supposed to accompany the depths of despair

I said hello on Facebook but actually it is enough that I haven't seen him again. My mother reminded me I can't waste gas at activities so life REALLY sucks now. There is no hostility which is good. There are lots of activities here where I can meet people at however if I don't have a job how the he'll does that happen. I've already eliminated annoying but we have some of the same friends so I keep noticing if he's online. Maybe I just want to think about something else that has nothing to do with my unemployment.

Nice sweet Cara who is condescending without realizing she is and has beautiful pure intentions. Yesterday she sits by me in Sacrament meeting and she tells me her sister was once unemployed for an extended period of time and that she asked her bishop for a blessing. Instead of telling her nicely I snapped at her and tell her I did that 2 weeks ago. And yes that's how I left that.

I am pretty sure I am. Shouldn't we find someone were attracted to? Why does that matter to me as much as it does?

Schoshi and Jackie catch me before I leave and comfort mentioned while I tell them how mean I've been all day and about how I've been feeling sorry for myself too. These girls have both just lost their mothers and I am feeling sorry for myself. They tell me to consider this just a bad day and to move on tomorrow which is my plan

Visiting teaching ended with me in tears feeling sorry for myself and horrible at the same time. Cara told me to research the company I interview with. She's told me that before
and I snapped and told her I'm not an idiot. Then I apologize and feel horrible for snapping. As I'm crying like an idiot Brasilia who we are visiting tells me how she had breast cancer. So I am still feeling entitled and now guilty too because I am complaining when this girl has breast cancer. Cara also has a bunch of health problems too. This Tongan guy in my ward speaks today. He is Lena,s brother y or uai. He is not physically attractive to me. A family is the most important thing to me. I think he's either a physician or physicians assistant because he mentioned attending graduate school at the u. I don't want to get to know him better because of the physical thing.

I was attracted to Steve almost immediately and although annoying is prettier it took me a minute to notice him. Y was at the Bbq I saw annoying at. He was handing out creamed when I left. I know i could go there if I wanted. He just isn't pretty enough. What the he'll is my problem?

I moved here the first week of September and haven't found a job I want since then.

What is this going to take? Sheer numbers should result at least in something. I don't get it at all. I don't have any guidance leading me anywhere and even if I did right now with my account negative I couldn't afford to move anywhere anyway. My mother is on social security and I am a financial burden to her. My brother is supporting a missionary. I am supporting nothing and no one. I've fasted about this, I continue to pray about this and still I remain in this state. I tried to get to know Steve better when he was in my ward. I went to school but it hasn't seemed to matter. I read my book of Mormon every day. I even have returned to reading the most recent conference talk every day. I know forming a family should be AND it is my first concern bbbuuuttt... Just paying my phone bill and car insurance are basic needs it is amazing I have been able to pay so far.

I wouldn't give some guy the time of day if he was unemployed as long as me but I want someone to be interested in me despite that. I have to go visit teach with cara who is the stupid genius who suggested I sell car wax that one time. We also visit teach Jackie now. Seriously!!! I don't feel bright and cherry every Damn day and it was hard enough being visited by her now I have to visit miss entitled. Am I entitled too? I don't think I should be facing the trials I am. I know I'm not exempt from challenges why would I be? It just feels severe. How often do I have to break down in tears like this? How many more interviews am I going to have to struggle through before I get a chance with one of them? Why is feeling like a failure a regular occurrence and why do I keep having to psych myself up every time. I had enough a long time ago. I am crying for nothing because the only way to end this is to keep applying, keep being positive and keep pasting that smile on my face because I learned along time ago no one is going to give you anything and even when you try more than you ever thought you could the result can still be not a Damn thing.

I didn't hear from Verisk and I need money right away. My bank account is negative and it will go to collections if I can't pay it off in a couple weeks. For that to happen I have to begin tomorrow at the latest. If I don't get Verisk I'm going to try calling the temporary agencies I'm already registered with. What is difficult is they probably can tell I'm going to leave. I am going to leave when I get a job somewhere suitable somewhere else. I am hungry.

This is sooo the perfect position. Primarily my duties would consist of traveling domestically to conferences to demonstrate the software to potential and existing customers. I would love this so much. I like that when I asked what the mission statement was for the company he told me it is summarized as BLUE - OR the Best Library User Experience. I could COMPLETELY drink the Kool-aid here with Sirsi/Dynix.

Ben was very informative. I am happy with my interview. When he asked me if I was interested in another position with them I didn't really like that because it seemed like he has someone in mind for this position. I hope the stars align for this one because it is my dream librarian position.

They also present at ALA which is perfect too. He asked me why I would be good for this position and I told him.

Crappy Pioneer Day. Unemployment sucks so much.

To save on gas I've been doing my DVD. It's actually made me sweat more. For some reason today I had to force myself. I just didn't want to do it but now I'm glad it's done. I had another interview with Matt and Leslie that went well. The dumb office girl who sent the reminder emailed us BUUUT left all the addresses in so I know I'm competing with 15 other people. Whatever, I think this is the 7th interview I've had with them to no avail. Maybe this time will be different. I sure hope so. I'm also fine with working at LDS Business College. When I did my teaching interview there it was so easy and comfortable. It would make the most sense because I can walk to work. I was nervous during my 411 literacy portion but I relaxed during the questions. I hope that was enough.

Yesterday I took an internet/typing test for Verisk some sort of medical call center. The facility is in South Jordan and it
Gorgeous. I had to submit my resume before they emailed me to submit a video interview. My in person interview was yesterday starting with the test and then I sat in a small conference room where 4 different YES 4!!! different managers interviewed me one at a time. At the end of this the human resources guy told me they'll let me know today or Monday since they are interviewing today too.

Training is supposed to begin Monday so I hope I hear from them today.

I need to make every week like this. I met with the Dean of Education Crystal and the Executive Librarian from Orem - Karen at Broadview University's West Jordan campus. Her resume is impressive. It reminds me very much of Stevens-Henager College and while the women I met were nice and I could get along well with them, I still want a new challenge. The school is pretty dead during the day and they told me a lot of their students and activity occurs in the evening. It wouldn't be bad working there, it just feels just like what I was doing before.

I FINALLY received additional questions to answer online from Ben at SirsiDynix and he also wants to schedule a phone interview. I did that for Friday but then I remember it's Pioneer Day so I told him either tomorrow between 1 and 3pm between SL County and LDS Business College interviews tomorrow or Thursday after my Vertix call center interview. Some other lady from C3 another Call Center very close to my mother's house called me to see if I wanted to apply for another customer service position. I agreed to meet with her Thursday at 9:30am. While it isn't ideal it is AGAIN better than nothing. It pays better and is closer than the other call center place - BUUUT the other call center position begins next week and I need money now!!!

My former classmate Jennifer just got this job and it is why her position is vacant at West Jordan's Broadview University. That is so cool. She got a Master degree in Analytics, 4.0 from Southern New Hampshire University that online school. She is so sweet and I am glad nothing negative happened. Broadview University's libraries are well-run and I could work there easily, especially when I put my desired salary at 53,000.

I had to research it since my interview is tomorrow. Jennifer has been up to some impressive work. I am very happy. She is the stereotypical shy librarian complete with glasses BUUUT the girl has some skills. I spent a lot of time on LinkedIn last night. The Executive Librarian for Broadview lives in Lindon but is also the campus librarian at Orem's Broadview Campus. If I get it I'm going to negotiate Fridays off again AND I can't wait to buy my Mercedes SUV although I will. I'm NOT going to buy it new because I just feel like that's a huge waste of money BUUUT I am definitely getting it sooner rather than later. I saw a red one that was very cute on the road today even though I wanted silver.

NO FHE tonight, it's all about saving that gas money especially since I have to drive to West Jordan tomorrow. I left Matt a message from Sirsidynix. What the hell is the problem and what do they really have to review.

I'm not going to drive to the library just to use the internet. Steve posted hiking pictures from yesterday. He is continuing to attend Midsingles activities. I don't think he's dating anyone. He is the best guy I know. I don't know why he's doing this to himself. Charity and Cindy from the ward also went or are in the pictures. I don't like him anymore. I don't like annoying but that doesn't make sense at all. I really want to get to know people better but in this state of unemployment I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel good about myself. How long is this going to go on? Steve isn't shy or younger like annoying. I don't get why he doesn't get married. He is denying  himself blessings.

Charity wanted to know if I was attending the tomorrow. I told her I wanted to do that but there were things I needed to negotiate. I didn't tell her the real reason or because I don't have money to pay for my gas when I need to make sure I can get to my interviews. I  am numb but I feel like I've been that way awhile. All hope is gone. But again I've felt like that for a long time now. What am I supposed to do now?

I am typing this on my phone which I've never done before but I am trying today. I feel like I'm standing still. I have 3 interviews next week Tuesday Broadview university followed by The county by phone for south Jordan another childrens position. LDS Business College is last at 4pm the same day. I . am grateful to keep Getting the county interviews but it seems like I will just always lose out to someone with experience. I need to quit that line of thinking and continue to do my best

At the library. I am excited for my interviews coming up. I didn't really want to apply for Broadview University BUUUT I need a job and it was there so I listed my salary requirement as 53,000. We'll see what happens. Jennifer Hendricks my former classmate at Emporia is listed on the website as the librarian. I hope things are alright and went well with her.

I love the environment at LDS Business College I felt when I was there for my teaching interview months ago. I would LOOOVE working there and it is a part time position. Sirsi Dynix is the job I want most however now although this reviewing thing is old. I need money asap. Because of that today I old did a video interview at Elwood Staffing for a medical record person. That is strictly for cash and because I need something. It would be much better to get something else.

LDS Business College is part time and I wouldn't have to quit it if I got the Sirsi Dynix job AND I could explore real estate AND do my weed-day temple shift without a problem. The Saturday mornings is going to have to change.

This was my second day of taking a cold shower. I read various articles about the benefits of doing this. I haven't seen them but then this is only the 2nd day and I need at least 30.

Old wives tale? Maybe. It is easier doing my hair after a cold shower. The steam curls up my hair making it unruly. I love EMZ. Zumba is my obsession. I want to attend all these activities BUUUT I need a job and yesterday. I am doing everything and I've done everything. What next? How long is this going to be my challenge? I feel like everything else is secondary.

I AM

This was boooring. I made 12 musubi and they were delicious and eaten quickly. Teancum had 4. I'm glad I found him. He made spicy chicken when we had our FHE there for the symphony's free performance. I felt bad because I ate all their food last time and I didn't contribute anything. This time I had to take something. Teancum brought us all small bags of cheddar popcorn. It was nice of him. This one engineer guy attended and I think he was trying to get to know me better which isn't a bad thing only I wasn't feeling him AT ALL. He has not a chance in hell.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind is a movie from the 70s and it showed. It was extremely boring even if it was a Spielberg classic. I fell asleep there for a minute. It is nice to watch a movie outdoors in the middle of downtown Salt Lake City. The symphony was well-attended. This had a crowd but a manageable one. It was nice. I wish the movie was better but it was still fun to watch it outdoors like that.

Thank you internet for being connected. I applied for probably 10 jobs today. The story of my life. I accepted a temp job assignment from Elwood Staffing but they need to call me again? I am calling them again to find out what's the deal.

Seriously???!!! I get an email from SirsiDydix thanking me for applying and letting me know it'll take them A WEEK to complete their review before they can share with me my application status. I wish I knew someone there that could give me more information. Sooo frustrating!!! Time to get my stupid job or rather my job B. I kept waiting for my email. I don't want to have to quit something for them or anyone else. It is tough keeping it together.

Tonight FHE is watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind at the Gallivan Center. I'm going to make musubi. Wrapping them is a pain but I'm going to do that in a second. This girl from Ogden in my ward wanted to go with me so I agreed but she messaged me she isn't going to go which is alright with me. I never have to go with someone else. I actually prefer going by myself so I can leave if I want to do that. We will see how this turns out.

I was in Annette's group that met at the Bevan's house. This was a biiig group. The Hawaii boys were in my group again. We had hamburgers and sides. Yummy, good company but no one exciting and/or no one particularly good-looking although everyone was very nice. Dave Staheli was there and he is tall and good-looking. I don't like that he has the same degree I have only from North Texas. Not that anything's wrong with it.

When I interviewed with the Church History Library my interviewer made sure to emphasize how he never worked there and was in fact an intern. I'm not sure what he does at BYU library. I do know he is brilliant. I wonder if we'd be competing for jobs although I don't think he has the experience I have. BUUUT even with that I don't think he was really honest with anyone about working there or even about what he does now.

I don't like that but I'm not sure why I hold that against him. I have had opportunities to get to know him better but I'm not interested for some reason. He dresses well too.

Sister Bevan wanted us to share something unusual about ourselves. Teancum one of the Hawaii boys told us how he once had a strange skin tag on his ear so he used to get He-man helmut haircuts to cover this until one day he had it removed by a doctor. After that Sister Bevan told us when she was a Senior in his school her mother told her that she and her father had been talking and felt she needed to get a nose job. She did and she described the painful bloody process to us.

I don't know how helpful that was. I can't imagine my parents telling me that but then that's easy for me to say because I've never had a big nose. I never liked the spaces in my teeth and I did something about that as soon as I could but I never had my parents tell me they thought I needed braces but then I think that's different. My grandparents put my mother in braces and they told her she needed them. She told me she wanted them however and would smile with her mouth closed before she got them.

Is a nose job the same thing? I will get my children to wear braces if I think they need them. I don't think I'd tell them they need a nose job however or pay for it when they're still in high school. I don't have a problem with her getting it. I just hope she wanted it done. I'm not sure how I feel about her parents telling her this and then helping her actually do it.

They develop librarian software and work with libraries across the nation and even across the world. I initially applied for a librarian software consultant and trainer but it wasn't available when I saw the ad so instead I applied for a product specialist who writes script for the salespeople and travels a get deal as part of the sales team. I could definitely do this. 50% of the job is travel which I am just fine with too. I had to just take some logic and personality assessment here at the local library because I think my neighbor figured out how to block me from their internet connection. Too bad it is such a pain to have to leave the house.

Time for me to go back home and have to await Ben's email.

My happy time!!!

It is amazing how yesterday I felt in the depths of despair but I just kept plugging through, I read my scriptures and although I read a conference talk on faith in Jesus Christ the words didn't sink in at all. Feeling very crappy I just kept applying for different jobs online and tried to maintain faith and hope. It is the feeling there is no hope. I just thought somehow after working full-time as an academic librarian for 4 and a half years and then in public libraries as a substitute for 3 and a half that I'd be able to get a job quickly in public libraries which is what I want.

I don't want to work in academic but even if I did the only way I could work at the U is if I published in the field. The schools that aren't as stringent aren't the schools I don't want to work at like Utah State, Weber or even UVU. The U is close and not bad but really not what I want to do anyway.

Yesterday evening the possibility of working for SirsiDynix attracted me bigtime and is actually something I'd enjoy even more than public libraries. Money I'm certain is much nicer since it's public and I love that they do things world-wide. There is some lady over Asia AND the Pacific. I would looove to travel to New Zealnd and Australia to set up systems there. I would love, love, love to be part of an international organization.

It may not go anywhere but my resume lines up with it perfectly. Once I get that or any librarian job I am going to publish a blog and make sure people read it. Sirsidynix is in Lehi which is where 2 of my first cousins live with their families and also my friend Leialoha who is just awesome. She has the relationship with her husband I want with mine. She has had so many challenges she has handled like a total boss. I still plan to buy my condo downtown first BUUUT eventually raising my children in Lehi would be alright. A house in Lehi is alright. I would want it new there. ALTHOUGH I like Sugarhouse too.

That would be a job I could feel fantastic about. I still want that limited-hour temp job in Clearfield however. I need cash right away until that ideal job kicks in or maybe it'll happen there just as fast.

Therefore They Hushed Their Fears
"The disciplined endurance described in this verse is the result of spiritual understanding and vision, persistence, patience, and God's grace. Exercising faith in and on the holy name of Jesus Christ, meekly submitting to His will and timing in our lives, and humbly acknowledging His hand in all things yield the peaceable things of the kingdom of God that bring joy and eternal life (see D & C 42:61). Even as we encounter difficulties and face the uncertainties of the future, we can cheerfully persevere and live a 'peaceable life in all godliness and honesty' " (Timothy 2:2).

Unlike worldly fear that creates alarm and anxiety, godly fear is a source of peace, assurance, and confidence.

I love my testimony and I love this gospel that prevents me from spiraling and succumbing to hopelessness. I am grateful for opportunities that are plentiful and just there waiting for us to grab them. I was wondering why the hell I went to school if I was never going to get a damn job in the field but I know it is a matter of continuing to fight and continuing to try even and especially when that is certainly the last thing I want to do. Outside circumstances and trials shouldn't shake me the way they did yesterday. If we keep the light of the gospel in our hearts it doesn't matter ALTHOUGH we need to keep working at it ALWAYS. We are here to grow and that is what we need to do.

I remember on my mission when I served in a wealthy area Cameron Park. There was a section of the town where families had their hangers on the side of their homes so they could park their planes. Unfortunately it was against mission rules to ride the planes because we had invitations to go to the San Diego temple that we had to refuse. I served in several wealthy areas along with several poverty-stricken areas. There are good and bad people at every income level.

So I'm done crying. I knew my chances weren't very good for this Children's Librarian position because other Librarians not only have experience, I know I'm competing against individuals who are already merit employees. I know that. STILL, I wanted one of those jobs. I want to end up in administration and that may not be the best path for that anyway.

I think I applied for 15 jobs today, yes even while I had tears streaming down my face. I never really thought of what else I might want to do. I didn't try to just apply for jobs not in my field that I might like. I started to do that today and then I even explored this temp agency that places mostly production people but they have a few clerical and administrative listings. There is a clerical position that is perfect - M-W from 8-4:30 which leaves me time to do real estate AND look for the full time job I really want as a Librarian.

I also came across something else I might actually enjoy with Sirsi-Dynix - they sell ILS systems to libraries across the globe. Travel is 25% of the time individuals spend. I can't wait to apply for one of those positions. The website is acting up or I would do that now. Tomorrow I'll call and confirm before I do my best to apply. I want to do that. I love training and traveling to train on library software and talking to people and companies about library software is wonderful. I could do that with no problem full time. I've been a trainer before and I taught research writing along with gave presentations not just at Stevens-Henager College but also to the Utah Library Association conferences for the last 3 years. I hope this works.

NOOO I didn't curl up into a little ball. People with money can afford psychologists and therapy. It is not a luxury available to me or even what I consider necessary. I'm not trying to make real problems seem light. BUUUT with the bright light of the gospel who really has time for that. I know I don't and while I have cried throughout the damn day I still made myself homemade veggie pizza, cut my pineapple and applied for a bunch of jobs and called a bunch of people because I need to get out of this damn stagnant state asap.

Trish called me to tell me I wouldn't get a second interview. I know there are many people in the County that probably applied to that job. It is so discouraging but I appreciate her call. I am applying for other stuff and crying and wondering why the hell this is happening to me although I know nothing's happening specifically to me it is so difficult to do this. I don't want the job if someone else applies and is better suited to it. Marianne from my ward has gone almost two years without ANY librarian job so I need to be grateful for what I have and stop dwelling on the hell this really feels like.

I started feeling depressed yesterday because I really need just anything right now. I am having such a hard time with this. I don't know what to do anymore really. I am just numb. My experiences prepare me to do this and it is unfortunate I am not going to be able to do it. If someone is more experienced however I don't want to get the job they don't. I hope one of the other county positions comes through even the West Valley City 20-hour position.

I tried to apply for a real estate position now but they wanted someone with a year experience in real estate. Of course brokers are willing IF you front the 5000 it is going to take to even begin. The industry makes it tough for just anyone to even begin.

At the end of August it will be one year without a librarian job. This totally sucks. I don't know what I need to do or even what needs to happen. I am going to continue to apply for librarian jobs BUT I also need to develop my skills whether that be through another job or not. I have to do the real estate thing but I need a job to save the money to even begin that. Not having a job sucks almost as much as having to live in Logan does.

This is ridiculous. I am going to do the church's accelerated job search and continue to apply for more things. I am grateful Trish called to let me know so soon. I would've loved to work for her and with her. Eventually however I would leave because my strength is leadership and management. Administration and helping people accomplish something. I would love to be a children's librarian but not forever. I know that. I will work in administration.

I am calling Elwood Staffing just to see what is out there. I found one paying $10 an hour for Kroger that begins at 6:30 in the morning and finishes at 2:30pm. It is a call center for Kroger who does the generic products for Smith's. I am trying not to focus on how much that wage sucks and instead focus on the fact that I have bills to pay.

I saw a receptionist position that pays $11 but then it disappeared from my screen. This is very exasperating. Why the hell is this so hard? I began working when I was 14. Except for that brief stint at Sutter Health I've spent almost a year unemployed now.

I feel like a complete failure in EVERY part of my life.

How the hell do I keep doing this? I am sooo done and right now I just want to curl up in a little ball on my bed and do not a damn thing.

I have been avoiding Youth Services librarian positions but after this interview I am excited about the possibility of doing that. This summer is superheroes for summer reading. I looove dressing up. I would have so much fun with that. Actually all the fun stuff is for teens and kids. I don't know why I wasn't excited to do that in the first place.

I sent Sean Reyes my resume and told him a little about myself and what I want. I told him I'm looking for a unicorn because it doesn't exist. I was thinking about the person I was when I was 17 18 and 19. How did I not find someone like Sean then? He was probably very goofy as an undergraduate. I probably wouldn't have given him the time of day. Now however he has everything and he is even very attractive and charismatic in person. Am I paying for bad taste now? I was a different person then. Eternity was far from my mind.

I'm hoping Sean has a friend like him to set me up with - spiritual rock, brilliant AND successful. I told him I read my Book of Mormon every day and that I want someone who also does that too. I think my age could be a problem for him but I'm not sure. He is around my age. Vagi served with him in Chicago. I didn't know she served Spanish-speaking. I posted his picture on my Facebook page singing his praises. She commented that she knew him and served with him.

He has been a powerful instrument for the Lord to the entire church and then now for the entire state of Utah. It is very weird to have an interview with someone you know very well. Spring is a new librarian who works in Magna. They just lost their librarian to the South Jordan library. I would love to work there with these amazing women. Trish is the Librarian I want to be someday. She is so great.

Tonight showed me how Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. Keri from my old Logan ward showed up to church. She wasn't in the ward very long but she is a very sweet and very pretty lady. She has dealt with alcohol abuse and it was difficult for her to just try to be normal again. I know she has overcome a lot.

Once we caught up she immediately asked me about Curtis and if he was seeing anyone. He had just posted a 4th of July picture with a pretty girl and his little sister. I told her about that and she told me she thinks about him all the time and she asked me to give him her number. I told her I would certainly email him it on Facebook. Curtis is dating his little sister's former high school teacher. What are the chances? I am happy for Curtis and he deserves the best. He said it was good we were in the same ward together. I want Keri to be happy and I feel bad she won't be able to develop her relationship with Curtis now but there are a lot of men around here and a lot of activities she can attend and meet a variety at.

I think she likes Curtis partly because he didn't like her and he pulled back at the end. He is a challenge to her. She is nice and gorgeous. She has a testimony but she has fought very hard for it. She told me the reason why she comes to church is because she has been sober for the past 2 years and that is a miracle. I'm just going to do my best and be the best friend and fellow shipper I can.

I think Curtis led her on but then pulled back when he thought about what he was doing. She is very pretty so I think he messed that up but then once he realized what he did it was too late and he was just harsh with her after flirting with her a bunch.

I am proud of myself for going to the Draper 1st Sunday fireside. I knew it was Utah's attorney general Sean Reyes speaking. What I didn't know is he is Phillippino/Hispanic/Hawaiian !!! His mother passed away on Easter Sunday but she was Hawaiian from the Big Island. He often spent his summers there growing up. His father left the Phillippines to escape the rule of Ferdinand Marcos. His father grew up in a wealthy family but had to start out in the ghetto of California when he fled the Phillippines. Eventually they moved to a nicer area of California.

Sean attended BYU where he graduated Summa Cumm Laude then attend UC Berkley for law school. Since his parents and he were California residents his law school choice was purely economic. California residents pay a fraction of tuition prices. If he had attended any other Ivy league law school he would've paid in excess of 35,000. Because he chose to go to Berkley he paid 11,000. He has 6 kids. He wrote and waited for his wife to finish serving a mission to Romania.

He is charismatic and just AWESOME. I went up after to meet him. He said he had a database of his single friends and would match us up if we wanted that at the beginning of his talk. When I told him I was Puanani and also Hawaiian he gave me a kiss. I told him I'd send him my resume and include my spiritual resume too. He gave me his business card. Everyone wanted to talk to him. His picture doesn't look that attractive. In person he is extremely attractive and charismatic. I am so sick of every minority being democrat. It is sooo refreshing to find a Republican minority and not just Republican, Hawaiian!!!

He is what I'm looking for - those amazing leadership qualities AND he is very strong spiritually. He served in Chicago - Spanish-speaking. I am hoping his friends share his same qualities and that one of them will be a good match AND that he meant what he said. Since I have his card I am going to email him.

He was a bishop before in downtown 5 years after he was married, the ward covered the Marmalade district which has a high LGBT community. He talked about how he can love and fellowship people without condoning their behavior. What I didn't like about the Draper fireside is the older crowd. It reminded me of those single adult activities I would try to attend but then I'd want to scream because they all looked older than my mother in Logan.

Whatever I am very glad I met Sean and I intend to send him my regular and spiritual resume.

I'm probably just going without food and water since I just thought about it this morning and I haven't eaten anything. There is a fireside in Draper I want to check out tonight. I am wearing flats to church but I am going to bust out the heels for tonight. Draper isn't too bad and I think it's for a good reason. I suppose I could just talk to more guys in my ward but there isn't anyone really. Steve went to temple sessions, sealings and FHE - it was easy to see how great he was. Add that to the fact he bore his testimony randomly and magnified whatever calling he had -OF COURSE I was going to like those qualities.

I sort of want to get to know Spencer better but he isn't attractive to me. He isn't unattractive AND he is spiritually on point, is a software engineer for some sort of gaming company - he creates new video games. I am sure he makes enough money to support a family. He was dating some girl when I first joined the ward last year. She is nice and pretty. I'm not sure what happened although I always felt she was more into him than he was into her. Maybe he fascinates me because he looks like he's from Hawaii.

I am ready pretty early today. I woke up wanting a shower so I did that right after getting up around 7am. I have a rash on my lower left leg. I went online after I saw an advertisement for diabetes Eczema. I'm pretty sure that's what I have and I have no choice but to address it. There is diabetes related fatigue too and I am pretty sure that's also something I'm facing. The solution is pretty simple -eat well and work out more AND I already know how to do that even if I'm not consistent with actually eating that way anymore.

I don't exactly want someone fat and sedentary, I certainly need to change that myself. I don't consider myself sedentary thanks to Zumba but I definitely need to put everything I know works together. I need energy once I return to work too. I also read this article last night about some woman my age trying to conceive. She was given specific advice but eating well and maintaining a healthy weight was right there. She suggested fertility yoga too. I can do that. First things first however.

When I prayed about my own children I felt I'd have 3 girls but it just seems more and more impossible the longer I remain single. I do know Heavenly Father expects me to do my part physically AS WELL as make the effort to get to know worthy men in my circles. I am so lucky to live where I do and to have as many activities always going on around me. I really don't have any excuse. I think I could be happy with Spencer even if I'm not physically attracted to him.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest if it really was a turnoff.

I slept right through Zumba then I watched tv and kept falling asleep through that too. I'm not really excited to do anything tomorrow. George wanted to know if we wanted to go to Provo and have a BBQ with them. NOOO - Provo again, Noe is going to watch the parade in Centerville tomorrow morning with her children - NOOO not that either. I think I'm going to have a very boring day tomorrow. I could go to Sugarhouse and be social then watch the fireworks later NOOO not that too.

I'd go to Provo if I felt like driving and had a job so I knew where my gas money was coming from. I am glad the temple is closed tomorrow. That doesn't sound very good but the hours there are killing me. I'm excited for my interview Monday. I am going to make sure Trish knows I worked as a mentor to Pacific Islander and Asian kids here then also that I worked at The Christmas box house. My only weakness is a lack of Children's librarian experience.

Riverton needs a regular public service librarian. It would be fantastic if Krista just wants to hire me and does. Our interview was within the past 2 weeks. I'm trying to think of what to wear to see Trish. It's so hot. Probably one of my summer dresses. I hope that makes a difference and I hope I get hired quickly. West Valley also needs one. What I hate about West Valley is that even though I really like the manager Cynthia, she is married to a vet and is forever bringing animals to the library.

The only thing I keep seeing is the fireworks at Sugarhouse. Great but it is a huge midsingles gathering with children. I'm just not comfortable meeting and definitely not dating anyone with children. This is an activity where everyone brings their children and supposedly begins at 10am. Perhaps this would be fun with your family NOOOT with strangers to meet. I've done Sugarhouse before with friends and family. I didn't stay there ALL day beginning at 10am. NO THANK YOU!!!

I know George and his family do lots of stuff on the 4th but I'm not in the mood to drive to Provo even if I can do it this time. I don't want to waste my gas. It is only going to be used for stuff around here and Zumba which is thankfully also around here. Noe is having stuff all day too. I just don't want to do too much stuff with my extended family and don't develop relationships the way I need to do that. Sugarhouse isn't too far actually. I just don't want to hang out ALL day especially if I go there myself. Actually it is better if I go by myself so I'm not stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I want to get to know a variety of people but I don't think this is the type of activity I want to do that at.

I applied for 5 jobs at the Salt Lake City Library, between that and the 2 County jobs that just came up I need just 1. What the hell is it going to take? I wouldn't mind seeing a movie and I still have my movie card prize from when we won our trivia game at FHE. Just knowing movies are substantially less on Tuesdays however makes it so I don't want to watch a movie unless it is on a Tuesday.

I need to get my almonds from Sugarhouse's Prince Perelson. I need to check out their website.

I am so grateful for my Zumba class. Since I've had my calf compression sleeves I wear them anytime I go to Zumba which has been everyday M-F. I still have to add my weight training and additional nighttime cardio but I am happy the early morning Zumba is conquered. Many of my friends are in Tonga for the king's coronation. It is exciting to see all the pictures. I would love to visit again although part of me can't imagine returning without my dad. I don't think he'd want me there without him either. I haven't talked to George since he returned from Italy. I love my brother. I am so grateful for him.

I am excited to work so I can attend all these singles activities around Salt Lake Valley. I am also excited to begin my Real Estate thing. My license expires in October 2016. I AM NOT letting it expire without even trying to make money with it. My brother wants to flip homes with me and I can't wait to do that too.

First things first. I know I need to add my other workouts because I am still sleepy and exercise is what used to overcome fatigue for me. It doesn't work anymore. I just read this old entry on here I wrote years ago when I lived in Logan about settling and Kinau and Lars. Trying to find someone to date and marry is what I'm supposed to be doing. Settling is marrying someone not righteous enough. Steve is perfect in every way that matters. Heavenly Father told me I couldn't marry him. In my head I thought I'd do that anyway. I know he'll be an amazing leader in the church and that is what my husband has to be. He has Spanish language skills that'll be very useful for a church leader to the world too. He can serve in so many amazing ways throughout the world. While that is what I planned in my head I don't think I could actually do it when it came down to it AND I'd have to tell him that's what Heavenly Father told me. I don't think he'd do it either given that information.

I will ALWAYS do what my father in heaven tells me to do AGAIN even if it doesn't seem to make sense or if it is painful. If I really am supposed to be with annoying I don't know what needs to happen. What I do know for sure is I am not going to sit around waiting. I am going to do what I am supposed to do and get to know worthy single men asap. I never thought my state of employment would affect that so much but it most definitely does. Sugarhouse has fireworks Saturday. I need to see if there are any fourth activities nearby and I need to make the effort.

There are several with the City and 2 public services librarian positions were just opened with the County. The City would save gas BUUUT I looove the County and I am familiar with their system BUUUT truthfully I would be happy with either. Sooo I'm going to apply for all of these different positions and REALLY hope I get at least one of them.

It increases my chances substantially. Jobs I want that are actually available. I looove that. I just hope I get interviewed. I'm pretty sure I'll be interviewed with the County for those jobs but the City is another animal. I feel like I just keep applying and applying there with no result. I will apply for all of them like she told me to do. The County starts at a higher rate but the City is close and has some full time openings.

I am having a hard time just accessing the County site to apply. One of the public services positions is at Riverton. It would be great if I can get it without an interview since I just had one with Krista. I know she likes me too. Why isn't their site working???!!! Frustrating!!!

I need a job so I can start attending my activities all over the valley instead of just restricting myself to stuff around here. I'm a little hungry right now too.