Urban Poly Princess

I moved here the first week of September and haven't found a job I want since then.

What is this going to take? Sheer numbers should result at least in something. I don't get it at all. I don't have any guidance leading me anywhere and even if I did right now with my account negative I couldn't afford to move anywhere anyway. My mother is on social security and I am a financial burden to her. My brother is supporting a missionary. I am supporting nothing and no one. I've fasted about this, I continue to pray about this and still I remain in this state. I tried to get to know Steve better when he was in my ward. I went to school but it hasn't seemed to matter. I read my book of Mormon every day. I even have returned to reading the most recent conference talk every day. I know forming a family should be AND it is my first concern bbbuuuttt... Just paying my phone bill and car insurance are basic needs it is amazing I have been able to pay so far.

I wouldn't give some guy the time of day if he was unemployed as long as me but I want someone to be interested in me despite that. I have to go visit teach with cara who is the stupid genius who suggested I sell car wax that one time. We also visit teach Jackie now. Seriously!!! I don't feel bright and cherry every Damn day and it was hard enough being visited by her now I have to visit miss entitled. Am I entitled too? I don't think I should be facing the trials I am. I know I'm not exempt from challenges why would I be? It just feels severe. How often do I have to break down in tears like this? How many more interviews am I going to have to struggle through before I get a chance with one of them? Why is feeling like a failure a regular occurrence and why do I keep having to psych myself up every time. I had enough a long time ago. I am crying for nothing because the only way to end this is to keep applying, keep being positive and keep pasting that smile on my face because I learned along time ago no one is going to give you anything and even when you try more than you ever thought you could the result can still be not a Damn thing.