Urban Poly Princess

Despite freaking out last night about how my bishop behaved it actually explains some things. I've been praying about this all night and I'm still going to but what I've feared really is true. He is kind but thinks of me as a sweet simpleton. While how intelligent he actually gets that I am doesn't really matter, forming that opinion because I'm pretty or brown is WRONG and even that isn't enough for me to get mad. What does tick me off is how someone acting as God's servant treated me horribly when I actually needed his help and counsel. He didn't do that for me AND I never would've seen him in the first place if my mother hadn't called him. He dismissed my financial problems which were extremely serious and real to me like I was a wayward child who just needed to budget. Involving Jared was sooo inappropriate. Would he have called Jared for some guy going through financial difficulties? I know my father in heaven helped me overcome my challenges that made me cry waaay more than I wanted to cry, stress, research and pray. My father in heaven helped me find the solutions I needed exactly when I needed them. As far as my bishop OR Jared helping me-THEY DIDN'T HELP ME AT ALL. Whoops, o.k. Jared did help me change a tire but the student I was with at the time told me he had a thing for me. That made me wary of anything he did. Maybe he was just being friendly BUT it doesn't matter because there is no way in hell I'm ever letting him think he has a chance with me AT ALL. I wonder if bishop has any idea of how condescending and insulting he was to me. I would just try to let this go like I thought I was doing successfully BUUUT I'm harboring feelings still that I didn't realize were still there until Sarah told me he wants me to attend the basic skills class and all the anger erupted on here. Puanani the volcano.

Sooo he thinks I'm slow, BUT why the snobbery yesterday? That I can't figure out. My Elder's Quorum president Devin did it too. What the hell does that accomplish? Perhaps they're both racist and just not sure how to interact with people who aren't white. Someone should clue them in that IGNORING people who are part of the congregation you are put in charge of probably isn't a good practice.

I usually make honey-walnut-shrimp. I had everything but the walnuts. I decided to use cashews instead AND it was delicious!!! NEVER buying walnuts again. That's all I ever used it for anyway.

David told me he isn't dating Kjyrsta (yes I think that's how I'm supposed to spell Shiersta!) exclusively which is veeery nice to know. He's still my friend despite telling him about my craycray-meaning I'm not going to be social with her or anyone else he might date that I don't know because I don't want to do that. I thought he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me when I told him that but I'm glad he's willing to overlook that.

Bishop's a retired veternarian. I wonder if he has anything to do with Kjyrsta becoming friends with David. He may also be the reason why Katie's in our fhe group. Perhaps he gave up on Katie and moved on to Kjyrsta. That's alright because I'm pretty sure my father in heaven put me in the same group as him and I'd rather have him on my side then bishop.

But even with all of that I want bishop on my side too. I really hope sharing how I'm feeling with him helps me to resolve these feelings. I hope in the future he doesn't make the same assumptions with someone else. I wonder if I surprised him Sunday after sacrament meeting. I was pretty forthright with him then. He told me it was good to know how I feel. Did I offend him and is that why he avoided me yesterday. I may have been abrasive. I've never said anything before so that must have taken him by surprise. That must've been jarring. I hope I can resolve this well.

Great hamburgers!!! I'm glad Krista wanted to attend. I REALLY hope I'm wrong about what happened tonight. Krista and I got there on time. Bishop was sitting to the side as we approached. He didn't say hi to us AT ALL but left quickly like he was avoiding us. We sat on the front bench near the stage. He gave the blessing on the food and the opening prayer. Surely he would come and say hello to us-especially as we were the only people FROM HIS WARD THERE YET. NOOO that didn't happen. I asked Krista if she knew why the bishop didn't come and say hi to us. She said maybe we were supposed to say hello first. This is EXACTLY what happened when I saw Devin, my Elder's Quorum president, at the Republican Caucus. NO EFFORT whatsoever to say hello, to acknowledge my existence-it is why when Sarah asked about him Jonni talked about how great he was and I said I didn't think much of him. The nice thing about this is today I was with another minority or Krista sooo it was very clear bishop's minority members were there AND it was also very clear he didn't want  ANY interaction with us whatsoever.

Would either of them say hello if I was white???!!! A small thing that could mean nothing OR everything. I'm glad it's Fast Sunday coming up. I can't wait to bear my testimony, fast and pray about this BEFORE having to see him about this. I REALLY don't know what to do if I have a racist bishop.        Wow!!! This is truly freaking me out.

Krista and I planned to attend this tonight. It doesn't begin until 6pm but she said she'll be there at my house at 5:15. I'm not sure why she wants to be there so early but that's fine too. Jonni texted me to see if I wanted to attend the BBQ with "them"-I wonder if "them" includes David and his date Shiersta or whoever he might select for the evening. I texted her back that Krista and I would meet them there.

I didn't realize Monday was Labor Day but it is and I think that is the perfect time for me to work on refining my thesis. Tomorrow, Saturday and Monday are providing me with the time I need to do a huge chunk of this!!! I've avoided it for about 4 months now. I have changed it several times already. I really want to do it on the Pintrest Paradigm now and how recommendations are significantly changing the way businesses perform and respond. I'd like to begin with Amazon.com but then discuss the influence of Facebook, Twitter AND then Pintrest. My unruly hair has led me to try MANY products over the years. There was some product I bought that was supposed to help your hair gain manageability. Demonstrations showed mostly black women have their hair transformed by this product. It was sold through an infomercial. The creme was about $100 and came with some clips and a comb. It didn't work anything like the ad implied. Soon after this the ad was taken down and the company was sued for fraud. I'm sure I could've filed something BUT it required more time than I was willing to spend to try to retrieve something I was sure I wouldn't see any results from. Now before I buy anything I review comments made online. Amazon.com has successfully used this valuable resource for some time now. Both consumers and the vendor benefit from learning more about what each want and can actually deliver. Pintrest gathers products, information and recipes. I find it extremely valuable  to read what others have felt as they have tried to replicate products. The comments clarify instructions for me. I don't just blindly try something new. I look for comments and suggestions by people who have completed the project before.

I wrote a little about this before in here one day. Time for research!!!

Bro. Salmond my new institute teacher said all institute teachers are now required to keep a record of exactly who of their class members is reading their scriptures each day. They are required to send this record-a list of names-to the corporate church offices. Interesting and very cool.

I felt pretty stupid when he talked about exactly what Moses is and what it was-a record given to worthy church members in Great Britain who were moving to SLC. At this point in time Great Britain had  close to 33,000 members and ALL the members in the U.S. totaled approximately 11,000-about 6000 who were in SLC. How the hell did I miss this all these years? I always assumed the Pear of Great Price was the record from papyrus-AND it is-just NOT the whole thing. I taught seminary before, I'm an RM, I taught Gospel Doctrine 2x, and I was the RS president of my student ward at BYU-Hawaii where I had the fun experience of telling students who were LDS that they needed to come to church or they'd get kicked out of school when they missed 3x-AND what a joy that was!!! I was an RM then. Fresh Poly girls as in just recently left the island girls from Samoa and Tonga usually don't wear make up. One of my girls from Samoa had the gall to ask me if I wore make up on my mission. I guess I was supposed to serve in Sac-town. Tongan sisters wear their hair in braids with black ribbons, no make up or jewelery AND a solid colored dress over a black tupenu. They all wear taovalas around their waists like the men do too. Sandals are worn on their feet. I think it's a beautiful tradition BUT spirituality is something you CAN'T judge solely by the way someone dresses. I'm easily distracted. I write according to my stream-of-consciousness up in here. All of my church experience AND I don't know about Moses in the Pearl of Great Price. I am gratful Sarah, a sister I visit teach, invited me to attend. I REALLY need this class.

The other MAJOR thing was the REAL meaning of Amen. Unlike the false doctrine my mother taught me it DOESN'T mean you agree with what the person praying says. It actually means AND it states in the Bible Dictionary that it means firm or true-o.k. he made a big deal about this yesterday BUT it is kind of like showing agreement to what was said. I guess I need to not be so harsh with my mother.

Just 1 class and I've already learned a bunch!!! VERY NICE!!!

I made an appointment to see bishop Sunday at 5:30. I asked for 45 minutes. I need to plan and pray for the guidance I need to do this the right way. I've never been in this situation before. I want bishop to get to know me better. I've always known my bishop well in the past. For the first time in a long time he isn't Polynesian. I haven't bothered to get to know him. I feel like people abuse his time in our ward and I haven't wanted to do that BUT I'm pretty sure that backfired. His impression of me does matter to me and I want him to understand completely how I felt after my mother called him. While I was deep in financial hell I asked my mother to help me when I was in Salt Lake City. She told me she prayed about it and was told not to do that. I was sooo angry with her because I seriously didn't know how I was going to turn it around. I was making payday loans just to pay other payday loans. If they all cashed their checks I would go negative AND NOT pay any of my basic bills like rent, food, utilities. I left Salt Lake angry and wouldn't answer ANY of her phone calls. I'm sure that's what made her call my Bishop. Bishop's advice and turning me over to Jared was NOT helpful, needed OR what or how I expected my bishop to help me. I was given surface advice my situation was too severe to accommodate. It was insulting when he asked Jared to call the loan companies and negotiate for me. Because I'm a stupid brown girl???!!! It's hard for me not to go there when people have gone there so much with me already. Simple budgeting was NOT going to help me where I was. I need to apologize to my bishop for being extra-sensitive to that. I'm going to share some of my experiences with this.

When I lived in Salt Lake City I had to pay $3800 for YES, CAR REPAIRS-I had a Suzuki Vitara I MISS. This idiot girl drove into my car and totaled it. Instead of being grateful nothing happened to me, I just wanted to kill her. My insurance had just lapsed so when her agent said I was 25% responsible, AFTER MUCH stress and HELL I finally accepted their settlement that was less than the $3800 I paid in repairs. My Vitara was a 2001 but it was beautiful with 4-wheel-drive AND a killer stereo system. Now I have a cassette player, no 4-wheel-drive and my radio. Who the hell still has cassettes???!!! I am grateful for my 2003 Taurus I was able to purchase outright for less than $3000 BUT if anyone ever told me I'd be driving one 3 years ago I would have told them to stop sniffing the gasoline. Payday loans helped me pay the 3 different companies I used for car repairs B4 my Vitara was totalled. I make more money now than I did then so I wasn't afraid of doing this. It didn't work this time. I didn't understand. I paid my tithing. Usually that is enough to keep things under control. It wasn't this time. I'm still not sure why this happened to me.

After reading some financial debt forum comments online I decided to close my bank account, open another one with another bank and find a credit counselor. Many of the companies I contacted refused to work with someone with payday loans. Credit card debt is what most of them work with. I learned my credit card lesson years ago. I don't own one now. Before my mission I had Visa, Mastercard, The Limited, Limited Express, Liberty House and JC Penny. The Y have all these stores at orientation. I signed up for everything as a freshman to get the stupid cheap free stuff I thought I wanted. My dad paid off all my cards before my mission.

TANGENT-Reeling it back!!! Bishop offended me by his Jared move. He further offended me by telling Sarah to ask me to attend the basic skills class. I was very clear with him about how I felt about attending the basic skills class. Writing about my talk with him made me realize I'm still angry and I want to get it out of my system. I don't like feeling this way about my bishop. He could do this to someone else. I need humility, a plan to share my feelings with him succinctly but completely and the spirit to help me say what I need to say without getting upset or being confrontational or accusatory.

Planning and praying now AND sleeping later than my goal!!! Hard to sleep when I get riled up.

My initial thoughts were dang... most of these people are older than my mother-waaay worse than those Singles firesides BUUUT the teacher is awesome!!! The Pearl of Great Price is beautiful and probably the deepest scripture we have. It recounts the creation story highlighted in the temple. There is something profoundly significant about that. I learned new things tonight and I look forward to learning more. Tonight was the first class. I'm so glad I went. I tried to participate by answering questions twice and he ignored me. THAT I didn't like BUT I'm not ready to rake him over the coals just yet.

A regular institute class studies the Pearl of Great Price in a semester. This is going to just look at Moses first and then consider Abraham next semester. Several girls were there from the ward-Teima and Morgan from the North Relief Society, Lynette ? not Checketts, Carline, Evan our new member was the sole guy there from our ward. Katrina Scoggins was there as was some other girl I think is in our ward. Once again, it's good to be a guy and single if you're over 31 and LDS. Sheirsta-David's vet friend he's dating-several times anyway-drove in as we were leaving the parking lot. I guess Sarah knows her because she said there's Sheirsta an hour late so then I saw her and rejoiced that I wouldn't have to be subjected to her presence. I hope she doesn't start coming. David doesn't attend so maybe I'll just have to see her there once next week before she figures it out that he doesn't attend and she can leave my class alone even if she won't leave my fhe alone. I hope she asks David if he attends before next Tuesday so he can tell her NOOO and I won't have to see her AGAIN!!!

I am ignoring her like I ignore Katie and Camilla. They all annoy me mostly because I know they're interested in David. As far as being their friend is concerned, that's not happening AT ALL. Camilla AND Katie have definitely tried on several occasions. I just can't stand Camilla and I did get to know her better as much as I didn't want to do that. How I feel about Camilla is independent of David. Her personality just drives me insane. She's not mean-spirited-she does love the gospel and want to do what is right. She is just sloooow AND completely lacking in social skills. Katie is sooo fake. I feel like she wants to get to know me better to use what she learns against me. That's how I feel around Nikki but Jonni is a good friend of hers and Jonni is genuine so I will give her the benefit of the doubt. Shiersta luckily I don't know and it's going to remain that way. I don't dislike them BUT I'm not going to get to know any of them at all. Lark, Nikki, Jonni, and Julie all have David things too but I had friendships with all of them before. Their crushes or whatever aren't as bad as Katie, Camilla and Shiersta. Lark and Julie are pretty great. Both are intelligent women who strive to live the gospel. Jonni is the kindest person who lives the gospel to the best of her ability. Nikki is sweet but I sense a fakeness her friendship with Jonni helps me almost but not quite dismiss. Neither Jonni nor Nikki are stupid but I don't get that they are as smart as Lark or Julie AND then I am being the judge of the world right now.

I am moody and full of attitude-I think I'm gorgeous-I know I'm spiritual, I tend to think I'm right all the time BUT I usually am. I know I'm not as great as I think I am. I was spoiled by my dad who only exacerbated my diva princess ways. My brother helped that too as did my culture which I looove and am grateful for. Bishop always tries to inspire confidence in us-self-esteem seems to be sooo lacking in my ward. I don't know why I have so much. I always try to work on my humility because I know I think I know everything all the time and I know that's ridiculous. I'm still single BUT I don't attribute that to any fault on my part although maybe if I would I'd discover why I'm still single. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong despite my loner status. I certainly make mistakes along the way but I've never done anything I'd think would keep me from that blessing. I don't think I'm picky but I'm certainly not willing to settle either.

I wasted money this morning. I went to Carl's JR to get a large Diet Dr. Pepper. I bought 2 of their sausage egg biscuit things for $2 too. My friend Amanda sent me some stuff from Taiwan. She also sent me some Taiwanese snacks. Krista brought me a box of pastries. They are goood. They look expensive. I hope she didn't spend too much on them.

I can't believe David used to live in Brigham City and NEVER went to the fruit stands in Perry. I still remember on my mission when I first had a tomato grown in someone's garden. Grocery store tomatoes taste like water and I never knew the difference before. The brief time I was a Winder customer I enjoyed their eggs. Their produce wasn't that great but their chocolate milk was to die for. They kept screwing up my deliveries. I finally had to stop it. When I was serving in Cameron Park the member couple we lived with brought us peaches from Placerville that were unbelievable. My companion at the time was from Germany. She ate them chopped up with milk. I copied her and thought I finally had an idea of what peaches and cream meant. I've NEVER had peaches that good since. Krista wants to go to the temple open house so I told her we should go the Friday for Peach Days and also get a piece of Maddox's peach pie I keep hearing about. It happens September 8th.

I don't work Friday and she doesn't have class Friday which is very convenient and very nice!!!

I got to hear Matt's family history spiel again. I haven't been reawakened with the spirit of Elijah. Stale cookies and donuts from David who said we don't mean enough to him for him to get anything better or spend any time preparing anything. He shouldn't have bothered. I took a bite from each and they weren't worth whatever he paid for them.

David's date from last night was there. There is ALWAYS some girl there for David whenever and wherever that might be. I'm surprised he's not married yet with the number of women smitten with him and the number of dates he goes on. I am sooo not white. Having to sit there with his date from the night before was hell and I REALLY tried but I am just not capable of being o.k. with that. We are friends and I'm probably being a crappy friend right now.

Just reading my last post and how angry I was/still am with my bishop makes me feel like I need to talk to him. I don't like all this animosity. He is a good man who loves the Lord and loves our ward. I have no doubt of that BUT I can't keep harboring these feelings that I apparently STILL have against him for bringing Jared  into a conversation with me about my financial state. I'm going to tell him exactly what happened with credit couseling, getting garnished, and then how I declared bankruptcy finally.

I need to do this with humility and the respect he deserves as my ecclisiastical leader.

I only attended this class in my ward to avoid a clingon. I intended to adopt indexing and I love that it's a form of crowd sourcing, but after my initial training I didn't do anything. I was once called as a family history advisor to my Tongan singles ward in Salt Lake City. There is so much for me to learn. I just don't want to learn anything associated with it. My mother is a familly history freak. It IS the reason why she lives in Rose Park-so she can be close to the family history library. She is sooo excited about it each day and it's like there's a switch in my head  that turns off when she starts talking about it. Now I tell her not to tell me and that I don't care. She has countless dreams-many of which are family history related-the rest are "warnings" for how me or my brother will sin next IF we don't do exactly what she tells us to do and the whole thing just gets on my nerves.

Fhe is a family history lesson probably because David's either teaching that class or in that class now. In any case he advertised it throughout our ward before it began. Sarah texted me about attending the Basic Skills class. I told her I did once but that it got too crowded and I didn't want to attend it anymore anyway. Margaret Oak is one of the teachers. She is awesome and hilarious HOWEVER I AM NOT INTERESTED in attending any Social Work type classes and that's what it is COMPLETELY!!! I detest those lessons and EVERYONE there seemed to have a screw loose-that is if they weren't one of the 5 teachers spouting off about how to improve our lives. I told bishop in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to attend the class. I'm sure he thinks I'm stupid although he finally told me I didn't have to attend. My old friend David was a social worker, my cousin Luisa I hung out with at BYU-Hawaii also graduated in Social Work. I was always the lone person with a different opinion when we'd have policy discussions. The entire underlying social work philosophy feels like nails on a chalkboard to me now. Working as a mentor to kids with the Asian Association and then as a Youth Worker at The Christmas Box House, I recognize how real the problems are BUT there are MANY things I can spend my time and life doing. I don't NEED to attend classes that are trying to sell me on the idea of education. I USED TO GIVE THOSE DAMN TALKS TO POLY YOUTH MYSELF.

I took a payday loan to buy a second-hand washer and dryer. I could've paid that off fine. I wasn't expecting to have to spend close  to $700 on my stupid car repairs AT THE SAME TIME. That double whammy is HOW I found myself in a position where I HAAAD to declare bankruptcy. I watch how I spend my money even more now. I know how to make my money stretch. This WAS AN ABERRATION. How the hell would I even have my own apartment if I couldn't pay my own damn bills. Bishop DID NOT help me when I talked to him about my financial mess-he sicced Jared on me which was STUPID. He asked Jared to talk to the places I had loans with and to make arrangements with them. I used to train bill collectors. PAYDAY loans DO NOT negotiate because they have a check I wrote that they can cash. I'm sure I could talk to creditors and negotiate with them a whole hell of a lot better than Jared. I had to do extensive research MYSELF online just to figure out what to do. Credit counseling FINALLY gave me some relief while I paid them $400 each month. One of my creditors refused to accept the affordable terms and garnished my wages. That single garnishment took close to 700 a month. It was paid for a month. I had no choice BUT to declare bankruptcy. With my chapter 13 filing my attorney figured out $140 a month to pay off ALL my bills. The savings are significant and I can begin saving again soon. I still owe $80 for my ticket I received for driving without insurance. I will pay it off on the 5th. I can't wait!!!-Sooo BECAUSE I went through this my basic skills suck???-I don't think so!!! Maybe I've been spoiled and maybe I spend too much money BUT this experience is something I am placing firmly in the past.

My mother certainly didn't help by calling him BUT I'm sure the same tired pretty brown girl equals stupid brown girl assumption persists with my bishop. I choose not to correct it anymore. I just don't care. I've wasted enough energy. People can believe what the hell they want. 

Right after sacrament meeting I talked to bishop about the damn basic skills class. Alright sooo my budgeting sucked big time but in anything else what the hell am I lacking???!!! I should take the Marriage Prep. class with Mark because that is definitely an area I need help with. Jared's started attending Gospel Doctrine. I've very obviously avoided him but I'll do it more if need be-He really annoyed me with his last phone call and then Darryll asked for and took my Blood Drive list. Matt Sinfield ended up there anyway which was stupid for Jared AND Darryll to get the list from me in the first place. Probably just lack of communication in the Stake. Whatever.

Sarah Biggs is taking me to the mid-singles institute class Tuesday in Providence. She said it's really good. It forces me to be social AND it's a different environment. I hope I like it tomorrow. That will pack my week-Monday fhe, Tuesday Institute, Wednesday-usually ward temple night-maybe I'll just make it my personal temple night too. Thursday is my Friday. I'm going to spend my weekends working on my Thesis now until it's done. Levi came and sat with Krista and I yesterday. Nice man. Krista is a clingon but she doesn't get on my nerves the way Karen or my friend Ele do-Maybe it's because I know she's from another country and I want her to feel better about just being here. I don't know what my deal is-Krista wants me to attend the Brigham City Temple Open House with her. I told her we'll go and get pie from Maddox first. I can check out the fruit stands too. Brigham City Day coming up!!!

It's a beautiful Sunday. Church was good and the yummy soup at the end hit the spot.

I just texted David to see if I could call him but he's on a date. YES I'm FINALLY making an effort. I told myself I would today. His vet friend came to church who I'm sure is who he's on a date with right now. He probably saw her this weekend and during any free time he's had. I'm REALLY glad he didn't stay and eat soup with her at church.

He deleted his Facebook profile which makes me sad because I enjoyed being able to contact him easily 24/7. My crappy phone makes texting annoying because the buttons are so small I can never hit the right letter. I wonder if he deleted his profile to put distance between us. Whatever makes him happy. Free agency is sacred.

I know David would never do anything his father in heaven didn't want especially with something like this and I trust him to make correct decisions. The nice thing about the spirit is if we just follow it everything will be exactly as it should and all parties will be ultimately happy with whatever it is.

I probably wouldn't have texted him if I didn't see her in Relief Society and then DIDN'T see him at most of linger longer after church. I suspected he was on a date. His answer just confirmed it to me. I wonder if he was with her at fhe Monday and if that's why I felt like I shouldn't go. Maybe heavenly father just didn't want me to be hurt.

I always thought I wanted to date a bunch of people before BUT my Poly upbringing doesn't make it cool for me to date more than one person at a time. That IS the difference. I can hang out with just one guy all the time as friends because I can't just suddenly develop feelings for someone I don't know. Eventually this becomes more but only AFTER hanging out with them a bunch and only IF I want to hang out with them in the first place.

I want to ask David if he's dating this vet girl exclusively now but I'm not going to interrupt his date with a text ALTHOUGH I want to-I know that's not nice or respectful. It's hard NOT judging him by Poly standards. He's not doing anything wrong-being on a date is EXACTLY what Heavenly Father wants him to do-I wish I wanted to date anyone else. Why doesn't my brain work that way. I don't want to get to know anyone else. I know what my future is and I don't feel like I need to test that by dating someone I already know I'm not going to end up with.

We are supposed to move until the spirit says no. David wouldn't be on a date with his vet friend if the spirit told him not to go. If it was wrong he'd know it was. I'm sad about this but I'm not mad because my favorite thing about David is that he does listen to the guidance of the spirit. I only wish the best for him.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to find out exactly what the status of his relationship is with this vet girl. OR that I'm not going to still try to get to know him better whatever it is-BUT only if he let's me.

I have a lot to improve. I haven't been doing what I should be doing myself. It's just easier to blame someone else for my own inadequacies. My purpose isn't finished here. I need to at least try. Things are good but I know it's not enough. When I've done my part I can have real righteous indignation. To try to pull that now is hollow.

I love my job. I enjoy my ward but my social life is nothing and I feel like I've tried with not a damn thing happening and that I might as well be somewhere that makes me happy. I haven't been doing anything at all recently which makes me a little responsible but let's see he didn't attend my party OR ward temple night. I didn't go to fhe two weeks in a row BUT I really felt like the spirit DIDN'T want me to go last week and I was in physical pain the week before. Last night Jonni and Nikki threw an ice-cream party for a bunch of girls in the ward which was nice but I kept thinking yeah I might as well hang out with my female cling-ons Karen or Elenoa. It would be different if I didn't know who I'm supposed to be with.

I know he knows too but it hasn't prompted him to do anything. I feel like it's a waste of time getting to know anyone else and male cling-ons are worse than the women and I don't like leading people on. Last night Nikki was asking me about school which is fine but I feel like she's only interested in criticizing me and not to my face. She hasn't done anything I know about BUT I haven't always been nice and I feel like I can recognize cattiness-I used to be the queen. Jonni's not like that.

Actually writing this out like this makes me realize I really haven't been doing anything myself and I can't blame our complete lack of anything solely on him. Why can't he just do everything? Why can't I just sit back and he take all the steps to date me and get to know me better? Why are so many women interested in him? Usually I just have to do a little bit and they do everything else. When I met him before he went to Hawaii I thought for sure he would seek me out when he came back. I walked by him twice without him doing anything which made me think I had to do everything which I tried AND he was fine at first until some B with her own agenda interfered. I couldn't get why he was treating me like that and she couldn't stop smiling. I just kept thinking old hag B.

Why does he have to keep dating the world. If he knows he's supposed to be with me why does he date anyone else? I can see that being a good thing if you don't know BUT dating provides the opportunity to get to know more people. Why does he have to date anyone now if he already knows I'm it? It has a purpose-NOT just to pass the time.

Our friendship has developed which is good, which I like. I just feel like it's stagnant. Maybe I didn't respond like I should on the phone. I just thought I could do that in person.

It turns out my director Sharla has an orchard with peach trees, cherry trees, apricots-AND also has stuff like tomatoes, lettuce-she doesn't buy ANY of her produce. She has a fruit stand in Willard on the same road the Perry fruit stand is on. How would it be. She was also raised on a farm. Of course she was!!! Bryan told me to buy my peaches from Perry. I asked Eli where he buys his peaches and he gets his from his mother who has an orchard too. Sharla has a fruit stand in Willard. Emily told me to just get a peach pie from Maddox in Perry. Maddox sounds exactly like the type of restaurant I would like. It's local but serves amazing food. They have some sort of shrimp steak I'd like to try. 

I'll have to do a temple session at the Brigham City Temple followed by lunch and/or dinner at Maddox. I was thinking of driving to Perry tomorrow to buy some peaches BUT I think I'll just wait for peach days in another 2 weeks. Why drive somewhere else if I don't need to do that.

Sooo now... restaurants I still haven't gone to in Cache Valley-The Bluebird, Le Nonne, Calloways in Smithfield, Maddox in Perry, that new Mexican restaurant where Hamilton's used to be.

I looove the Brigham City temple. I like how peaches were incorporated throughout the interior. Most are subtle like peach blossoms engraved on some of the decorative work but there is even a painting of a woman with a wooden bucket of peaches she is picking? I rode with Ryan, this new girl Amanda and her niece Jana. Ryan parked right where we met outside the chapel. I was sick of just standing there so I finally asked Ryan to open his car so I could sit in the back seat. That seemed to be the impetus everyone needed because they started going to their cars after that. Ryan was talking to Amanda and Jana. Karen was talking to me. I was glad to lose Karen. She's like my friend Elenoa. She always wants to do things with me which is fine BUT HELLO-I'm in a singles ward to meet and hang-out with men NOT women all the time AND they both get like glue.

The Brigham City temple is gorgeous BUT small. South Jordan and Draper are beautiful too. It's nice how each reflect its surroundings. I loved working at the Draper library then doing a session at the Draper temple. Amanda and Jana were very interesting. Jana moved into the ward 3 weeks ago. She's in the North Relief Society but she just figured that out because I've seen her in our Relief Society. Ryan was raised in Brigham City. His old seminary and high school English teacher manned the tour entrance with his wife. He asked Ryan if his still knew his scriptures. I told him he did. Yes indeed!!! Jana is the oldest of 7 kids. She is 23 and plans to attend Brigerland and complete a dental assisting certificate. She found out her brother just received his call to South Africa. He is the first missionary in her family. She was so excited. I was excited for her. She is kind and friendly.

David didn't go last night. It would've been nice to see him. I'm so glad Amanda and Jana were NORMAL. Unfortunately that is a concern in my ward.

Last night I fell asleep with my laptop open on my bed and my contacts. I got up at 2am-took them out and luckily I hadn't thrown my laptop off my bed.

I woke up at 6am but after feeling my feet decided NOT to do my regular Zumba. Instead I just got ready for work and then I went to Walmart and bought some tortilla chips, peach-flavored carbonated water, a couple of cup-o-noodles, some mini triple chocolate cupcakes and cheese dip. I'm wearing my white FLAT canvas-looking shoes that are actually white leather shoes. My eyes need a day without contacts. I need new glasses that are the RIGHT strength. My glasses are too strong and I always end up taking them off because they either give me a headache or I can't see clearly when I read.

I know what I need to do it just would be nice if I didn't have to do anything. I know I'm out of excuses.
I'm going to read my Telesa books this weekend, clean and sharpen my fitness goals. I know I need to and can eat a lot better. I'm NOT sleeping this weekend away!!! I need to get in my Friday temple habit again. I'm going to do that tomorrow.

UNTIL this Friday when I don't work. I wore my heeled loafers that are usually comfortable after a 10-hour shift at work but fourteen hours was TORTURE. Yes the temple was amazing BUT the BIGGEST impact I felt was PAIN. I felt like my feet were going to fall off. Lots of stairs. I already have to be extra-careful going down stairs. Add pain with every step.

We had a program at the church at 6:45 then we all just stood there. After about 10 minutes of that I asked Ryan if I could sit on his back seat.

Right now I just feel like crap.

I'm excited to attend the Open House with my ward tonight. We are meeting at the church at 6:45 for a lesson/thought and treat before leaving to the Open House at 7:15. It is perfect timing for me since I finish work at 6pm. Yesterday my energy felt zapped in the late afternoon. I'm not sure why because usually when I workout in the morning I have more energy throughout the day.

This morning I worked out. I was a little stiff BUT that's to be expected since I went almost a month without working out at all. Once I finished a song it was all good. I bought some french bread last night and a can of chicken so I could make chicken salad out of grapes, cashews, celery and canned chicken with best foods mayonaise. It was very good over my french bread and I have a bunch of the mix left over. Chicken salad tastes great over croissant rolls. I need to buiy a few to use up my mis.

I'm drinking flavored carbonated water I think is better than diet Dr. Pepper. I'm started to drag already. What's going on? I slept at midnight. I need to figure out what foods give me energy too. I want to maximize my energy. Time to research and then incorporate this.

I saw this girl Morgan in my ward at Smith's I asked  her if she was going to our movie-watching fhe but she said her group was celebrating Pres. Monson's birthday. I told her it didn't start until 8pm and was outside. I also said I wasn't going because I didn't want to have to buy something to sit on and it wasn't worth it for me. She invited me to her house to join her fhe so I planned to do that-but then I looked up her address on our ward directory and it's way North. I don't want to spend my gas to go all the way over there and I was thinking it also wouldn't be very nice to support someone else's fhe and neglect my own.

For some reason I also felt like I shouldn't go which is weird because the spirit USUALLY would want me to support a ward activity BUT it was pretty persistent sooo along with my other reasons it made it an easy decision. I went to bed at 12am and woke up this morning-did Zumba AND didn't rush to work. Maybe that's why. I don't know but I know I wasn't supposed to go there last night.

I'm grateful for the guidance I receive whatever that may be.

I had a much-needed sleeping weekend. I did nothing but sleep, clean, and cook. Skimping on my sleep consistently is NOT the business because it left me functioning significantly below my capability. I did not grow spiritually AT ALL. Spirituality is a higher-functioning state. I didn't work out for a week. It's alright to recuperate BUT staying up late didn't help one bit AND instead of catching up the next night it kept getting compounded. There's so much more I could've accomplished. I did baptisms for the dead last Wednesday but I felt kind of like the walking dead and my zombie bruise on my arm didn't help. There's a line left of it BUT it isn't so bad anymore that I feel like I need to wear long sleeves. The body is very resilient.

So my goal for this week is to get to bed at least by midnight. I forced myself to sleep last night as soon as it hit. I got up at 6am, out of bed at 6:30 and out the door at 7:40. This is how I plan to do this only tomorrow AND every morning I will Zumba. I'm going to weight train tonight. FHE is a movie outside. David doesn't know what the movie is yet. We're combining with a lot of other groups which can be fun BUT-I don't have any blankets I want to use on the grass, I also don't own a lawn chair. Sooo I could buy something NOOO!!! BUT it isn't until 8pm tonight so I think I'm going to miss FHE again. As much as I enjoy seeing David, I'm not going to buy something just so I can sit on something for a couple hours outside. Summer is coming to a close and I don't expect to need something like that until next summer. 

So I had my contacts out and was falling asleep when my brother called to say he just came out of Sardine Canyon. I pretended like I was waiting for him and told him to meet me at McDonalds. I looove my nieces and nephews so much. It was so good to see them and get all my hugs and kisses. I was silly to get all upset for nothing. It made me think of how I get upset with David over nothing and I should stop assuming things because I get all worked up for nothing too. It was sooo nice to have my brother here. One of my doors got off track that cover my laundry area in the hall upstairs. There are folding doors there to cover the washer and dryer. It went off track earlier today. It was sooo good to think I could just have him fix it which he did in less than 5 minutes. All these little annoying things that my brother can fix in an instant. That includes car stuff AND my nephews are included in that too. My nephews are the best because culturally they have to do what I ask them to do-of course culturally they can ask me for money which they do too when they want to take some girl out. It's easy to take those things for granted. They spent the whole day there. They went to Bear World and then to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. After this they went to Bear World again. They have a petting zoo Maria loved. They said she was screaming when they had to drag her away finally. They had a lot of fun. They spent over a hundred dollars but they went there twice AND all the rides for the younger ones were included in the price of admission.

I'd love to see the bears up close and personal too. One day I'll make the trip out there. I looove my family and I am so grateful they came to see me. Alisa has a class at 6am or they would've spent the night. I was happy to give George back his sound system. It is one less thing I have to worry about returning.

George and his family went to Bear World and I hoped they'd come by but they probably started back too late to Provo because it's almost 9pm and they haven't visited me. I'm going to finish this and just go to sleep. I'm very glad tomorrow is Thursday. I am in a mode to feel sorry for myself. I REALLY thought my brother was visiting me with his family tonight. Whatever.

David sent a text about FHE although it's not until next Monday. It doesn't start until 8pm which is late for me. I wonder what the movie is going to be. I wonder what happened to the video group thing he said would happen.

So Helene Facebooked me apologizing for not attending my party. I told her it was fine and that she was being silly and that the party was for my nonmember friends who ended up not attending anyway. It makes me wonder if David missing my party was intentional. Of course it was intentional since he didn't show up. If he had a date I don't have a problem with him missing it. I just thought we were better friends than that. Why he HAD to make a date the night of my party is a mystery to me. I wasn't mad at Helene which is the main reason why I thought I was taking it too far to be mad at him for not showing up. I just worked really hard on putting that together and I wanted both of them to be there because I consider them both to be good friends and when I want to show support for someone I attend their event. That coupled with who actually did show up-a lot of ward peeps I'm not very good friends with-made the sting of David missing it pretty bad.-BUT I kept thinking I'm not mad at Helene so why am I mad at David. Maybe he has a very good reason for not attending. Whether he has a valid reason or not I owe it to him to just trust him and however he came to the conclusion not to attend. Again I do think he's a good person. I know Heavenly Father likes him very much for me so why the hard feelings. I don't doubt how he feels about me but when he acts like that I'd rather not care at all-at least that's how I feel immediately. I don't know why he does things like that. It's like the music thing. I don't get it. BUT I like the person and I have trust in him as a person. So this is the last time I'm visiting this.

The baptismal fount at the Logan temple looks industrial compared to Hawaii's. The Hawaii temple baptismal area is gorgeous. This was pretty disappointing although the workers were impressive. Any time I went in Young Women's and the one time with my BYU-Hawaii Singles Ward our bishopric had to do the ordinance work including the actual baptisms, witnesses AND confirmations. I still remember the room we all waited in that had a TV and played church videos. At the Logan temple everything seems crammed in there. The work is still getting done so I don't know what my problem is-it was just a very different experience. It's like the economy experience compared to a luxury hotel-both provide rooms BUT the experience is VERY different. In Hawaii I'm pretty sure I was confirmed in my own church clothes too. Logan gives you two sets of clothes. One to be baptized in and one to be confirmed in.

I am tired but I'm not ready to sleep yet. My brother and his family are going to bear world tomorrow and then they're coming to see me!!! I'm excited and it's about TIME!!! My mom said this is his vacation this week. SWEET!!!

I used to mentor 'Ila Vaenuku. He was 9 when I started. He is now an RM. I got close to his mother. She is remarried. Three of her kids are with her first husband. He added me on Facebook. He made a comment on my page. I don't know him at all but I've unfortunately heard a lot of negative things about him from his ex-wife. She is awesome. I love Kina and Ila. His name is Devon. I'm not sure why he felt the need to make a comment on my page. I wonder if Ila told him I was his mentor. It's just a little weird.

I'm very tired but I feel compelled to do more laundry so my brother and his family don't see the mountain of dirty clothes I still have to wash.

So much for creative titles this week. I like my short week. I was up until 3 am doing laundry again. I need a better system. I need to get back to my fitness mode. Tomorrow is Thursday which is REALLY my Friday!!! My visiting teacher has Napoleon Dynamite. I'm going to go and borrow it so I can watch it tonight. Friday I'm driving to Idaho to check out the Franklin County Fair in Preston. Also-I just want to buy my pink cowboy hat and support Dale and his scouts. I know my brother misses his stereo system. I need to take it back to him. I have to drive there for Isa's baptism I think the first Saturday in September so I'd rather just take it there then. I'm going to call him and see if he can wait until then.

Sunday I didn't feel like talking to David until I calmed down. I do still get upset but now I think about why I'm angry and if I'd react the same way if someone else did the same thing also if it's something that even warrants any attention. Usually it doesn't-by the time the bishop's fireside happened I was done.

He visited our Sunday School class to let us know about the Family History Class happening Sunday. I took that class before and I'd rather stay in Gospel Doctrine although I miss hearing David's comments in class.

I was thinking tonight of how much better my communication skills with David are now. I don't jump to conclusions and I don't get offended by him all the time anymore. I don't assume the worst either. He's not a bad person. I will still tell him when I don't like something but I can do that without being judgmental, accusatory or mean. This is the first time I feel like I actively worked at improving a relationship and I can completely see the change.

At first it was work but now I don't feel that way at all. Especially after he helped me, I want to focus on his good qualities

It's sooo much better. It is worth the effort in the beginning

My lightbulb in my upstairs bathroom burned out and I needed to change it. Luckily my ceilings in the bathroom are low and not vaulted like the bedrooms or even the hallway. I thought I might be able to change it myself with Dale's ladder. I tried to do that in my bedroom but it didn't work my home teacher Josh eventually changed it for me.

I have no problem asking Josh for help BUT if he responds or not is never certain. He let me use his grill which I appreciate very much. I was surprised to receive his text.

Poor David. I will ask him for help when I need it because I know he isn't going to turn into an annoying cling-on later-he has his own cling-on problem--BUT I'm not going to ask UNLESS I really need it.

So I haven't changed a tire yet but I sort of know how to do it and I am going to try first. I am so happy I was able to change my own lightbulb!!! I bought some Cherry Garcia to celebrate and just because!!!

I did ask David for help in case I couldn't do it but I was able to do it and return Dale's ladder. IT FELT SO GOOD TO CHANGE IT MYSELF!!! As much as I appreciated David's help with my tire I HAAATED HOW I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT MYSELF!!!

I like letting guys do things for me. They can always spend money on me. That hasn't changed. If I can do something however without much effort why not???!!!

I'm definitely becoming more self-sufficient on the farm.

Boring title but I'm not feeling particularly creative today. My muscles have finally stopped being sore and my arm doesn't bother me until I lean on it or rest it on the arm rest things. I never realized how much I actually lean on it until it got all bruised. Now I'm notified whenever it touches anything.

My VTs are coming over today. At lunchtime I'm going to try to replace my lightbulb in my upstairs bathroom. I'm going to use Dale's ladder. Hopefully it works.

I messaged David on Facebook to see if he would do it when my VTs are there in case I can't. I hope I can reach it. I miss having my family around. I haaate feeling like an imposition all the time. When my family helps me they do it because they want to help me and I don't feel like I have to do anything to make it up to them. I am so grateful to David for helping me with my tire and although he didn't treat me differently, I still felt like I needed to do something for him.

It's tough trying to be an appropriate friend to David. When we first met I wanted to get to know him better and I wanted to be his friend and while I don't want to change that dynamic, I also don't want to get hurt. He blew me off when I tried to share songs with him I thought he'd enjoy playing so I'm not going to discuss music with him anymore. He didn't attend my party although people who I don't know as well did attend. I tried to give him the space he seemed to want but then he wanted to know what was going on in my life. I planned to have a nice conversation with him last night but he never showed up. I'm sure fhe went longer than he thought it would or he just forgot the pan but it was his idea to return it last night.

No not really Hell-just a jam-packed BUUUSY week. My APA training went well as did my CVLA meeting and BBQ. The CVLA meeting and BBQ gave me the most stress. I looove George's sound system and it was easy to assemble and take apart. I NEED to incorporate weight training BECAUSE although I woke up with my alarm at 6am yesterday to get ready to go to Matt's homecoming and party, I was stiff EVERYWHERE and it hurt to move ANYTHING. Sooo-I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. I woke up at noon and could've kept sleeping but I figured I needed to go to church.

ANY movement hurts-standing, sitting, walking. My calves, butt and arms are sore. My left arm and shoulder don't feel any different until I touch something with them and I'm reminded that I ate it last Thursday. I have a zombie-looking bruise there. My friend Chad has his arm in a cast. I asked him if I could tell people we were in a fight.

We're going boating again for fhe-if I wasn't sore EVERYWHERE I'd go again BUT I'm going to sit this one out. I feel a little better today but I'm far from 100%.

I am sooo glad this is over. Funny I thought I was getting my independent moment but then my uncle Laie calls this morning and completely saves my butt. I was reminded once again of why I love my culture as much as I do. I thought I'd actually have to grill this time. I just figured out which townhouse was Josh's and which was his grill from the patio area. I didn't know how to turn on the grill and George was going to walk me through it over the phone before Laie showed up. Ele suggested grilling there but Laie wanted to take it to the Pavillion which he did. He grilled EVERYTHING and I set up the sound system easily. It is a sweet system. Lori Pulotu came and sang. She did a fantastic job.

Laie found a mess left by people having a fundraiser there earlier. They just left the mess there. Tithing funds are used to maintain our buildings. I don't get how people can do that. He told Matelita to clean it up and she did it willingly. That was so sweet of her to do and it made it nice for my party.

A lot of my ward peeps showed up which was very nice. I wish ANY nonmember attended. Really at the end I just wanted to finish the party well by my standards AND those standards included a kicking sound system and nicely grilled chicken all of which happened. I'm not sure why it took me so long to find someone willing to lend me a grill, so long for Laie to get ahold of me OR why I had to freak the hell out first.

Ele started talking about doing it again next year and I'm thinking oh hell no!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!

I like events run smoothly. There was so much undecided and up in the air. That REALLY doesn't work for me. The whole purpose behind this party did not happen and that was to get to know some nonmember friends better AND introduce them to nice members at the same time. Instead I spent time with my ward members-nice but that doesn't require a party or for me to undergo stress.

Mikako was a sweetie pie. She waited until I finished packing the very last of my stuff and left the Pavillion. Sarah also waited a looong time with us.

George's sound system is awesome!!! He told me he got it from DI about 5 years ago for $120. I wouldn't know how good something like that was to purchase it or not. The whole thing folds and fits together nicely. He made me put it together and take it apart myself while he watched. I'm DEFINITELY NOT used to lifting things while he just sits there watching, I had him do the lifting into my car thing. The sound and system is better than anything I looked at. I learned something pretty huge. ANY phone can hook up to ANY speaker with a wire that just fits where the headphones do-ALL those special speakers with Ipod docs R actually a waste of MONEY because ANY speaker can hook up to ANY phone!!!

I wondered that because Alisa plays her Zumba music from her phone and she doesn't have an Ipod or even a Thunderbolt through Verizon. Everyone probably knows that already. It was a major realization for me.

I wasn't going to worry about the rodeo and fair because I knew I still had to buy chicken and soy sauce from Salt Lake. I bought my gallon of Ahoha Soy Sauce from Salt Lake then drove straight to Sam's Club in Logan. Noe told me to plan on 1/2 lb of chicken per person BUT that's for the Poly Parties she throws. I bought 23 lbs of chicken for 46 people. 46 people will probably NOT show up but I'd rather have too much than not enough. From the responses I've been getting I'll be lucky if we get 20 BUT I feel great because I'm going to have fun WHATEVER the turn-out and I feel REALLY great about my music, menu AND my hometeacher Josh texted me that I could use his grill-MAJOR headache averted!!!

Jonni wanted to know if I was going to walk around with them at the fair or just watch the rodeo with them. I didn't answer because I didn't know yet. She texted me again and asked me if I was ignoring her or if I blocked her sooo I called her from Sam's Club around  6ish then walked to the fair as soon as I got home and put the chicken in the fridge.

The rodeo was AWESOME except it started to rain. Johnny actually went home and grabbed umbrellas and blankets. Also my feet were killing me because I wore my boots ALL day BUT I wore my black cowboy hat and they needed boots.Walking to and from the fair in them AFTER spending the entire day in them was NOT good. The balls of my feet feel like blisters. It poured for over an hour. It was warm at first but then it got to be a little much so I left early. As I was walking home it FINALLY stopped. It rained for over an hour straight. I am trying to dry off before I go to the store and get some brown sugar for my marinade, some foil pans and macaroni. Yeah actually I'm not going to do macaroni-just teriyaki chicken and rice.

NOOO I'm not suicidal BUT sometimes my CRAYCRAY comes out to play and its done that a lot this week. She told me how people have used charcoal grills for years and that they aren't that expensive and I should just use that. I'm a lot calmer. My sister-in-law grills a lot and I asked her about the Forman grill and she told me it won't taste good. She made everything seem so easy. ALTHOUGH I REALLY don't want to drive to Provo I DO want a nice quality sound system so I'm VERY happy I even have this option at all. I'm also "grilling" my sister-in-law about grilling!!! Do I have to pound the chicken like katsu before grilling? Do I keep brushing the chicken with marinade throughout the process? I did want to learn to grill Poly style-I didn't think it would happen quite this way but that's alright

I need at least a gallon of Aloha Soy Sauce and I can't get that here. Sooo there are reasons for me to do this. My friend Ele was VERY calm and reassuring-something I need when I'm bouncing off walls-alright NOT REALLY it's just the way my psychotic side manifests itself. This is just internal although I do feel like screaming a lot and I did finally cry when I talked to my brother. This entire week has stressed me out. I needed that release that comes when I can just cry and settle things in my head.

I have two coolers-1 for macaroni "salad" I can stick in one of those foil trays on ice and one for my marinading chicken. Ele's lending me her cooler I can stick the chicken in when it's done cooking. This HAS to taste amazing!!! Poly BBQ is the BEST and I just need to do this right!!! I will be able to perfect my grilling technique.

Time for me to look alive then drive to Happy Valley with a smile!!!

So everything is almost done. As I considered different sound systems I finally decided to ask my brother to use his sound system even though I can't get him to DJ or be there. I DON'T want to drive to Provo but it is the best option and the cheapest. I can spend $150.00 on a new system or DRIVE like an idiot all the way over there. He has a grill too but he said it's pretty big and it can't fit in my car. Probably the ONLY time I wish I had a truck.

My boss helped me sooo much I don't want to ask to use the company grill now or the karaoke system and the karaoke system is crappy too. Alright I'll just have to make this work. After paying $250.00 on my electric bill I NEED to watch how I spend ANYTHING right now.

I'm going to ask my Tongan friend Ma'ata if she has a grill I can borrow. I still don't know how the hell this happened. This week is almost done and EVERYTHING'S been fine so far. I just need this last thing. Maybe I should drive there tonight-yeah that would be stupid since I don't finish here for at least another hour.

I can't wait until I'm done driving back here AFTER Matt's homecoming and sleeping for work Monday. Talking to my brother made me lose it. He kept asking why I was still doing this. I really don't know why the hell I'm doing this myself BUT I feel like I just need to end this week well-everything else has gone fine. Why the hell did Evan's dad have to wreck his bike???!!!

I wish I really were screaming. I'm going to end up asking my boss to use her grill.

It went REALLY well thanks to my boss. Sooo I was running behind. I had on my flat shoes to get all the food and stuff set up BUUUT yeah I was rushing even though I gave myself plenty of time. I got a student to carry in the sandwiches and I carried the fruit tray. Sooo as I entered my shoe got caught in the rug and I ate it. A lot of the fruit had to be thrown away. Luckily Sharla my Director witnessed this and immediately put everyone to work. She had Allysa the receptionist clean the mess, her assistant Kylie do whatever I needed and she personally put together the fruit tray with the fruit that was left. She told me to go do whatever I had to do so I booked in upstairs and threw on my heels. I had Tavia stick chips on a tray and I put sandwiches on a tray.

The meeting went really well. The bylaws committee worked so hard to come up with a document we will all use. I love that our members have so much to share and aren't afraid  to speak up. CVLA is awesome and I am sooo glad I worked to get it started. I have a huuuge bruise now on my left arm that is long and blue. So Jonni wants me to go walk around the fair with her-I do want a pink cowboy hat and that's the only place to buy one. I'd like to check out the peach festival in September. I'm finally wearing my black cowboy hat!!!

Just two and a half more hours before I can get the hell out of here!!!

I've felt like I'm about to cry all day. The temple was awesome. I decided to ask work if I can use their karaoke machine AND grill. Ward temple night always comes when I really need it. I ordered imitation crab salad and chicken salad mini croissant sandwiches and a fruit platter. I'm going to buy some Doritos from Smith's which are $2 a bag now and life will be great!!! I'm going to cut up some lemons and buy some ice. I already have a cool container to stick it in. I have a huge glass bowl I'm going to stick the chips in. I'm trying to think of something to use to grab the chips. I'll buy some tongs. Thinking of all of those hands on those chips is kind of nasty. I'm glad the medical department has all those gloves so if I need to move the fruit or sandwiches I can without touching them with my fingers.

I need tongs for my BBQ anyway I'll check the dollar store first-I could use 3-4.

It was good to see David at ward temple night although Camila was there AND when I'm stretched I am likely to snap so I just stayed clear of her.  I started to talk to this guy when I sat down. There were 4 girls from my ward standing there. AFTER I began talking to this guy they started to join in. SERIOUSLY you all had to wait to speak to him until I did???!!! I know we're mid-singles partly because we are socially awkward-nooo that's not why I am!!! REALLY???!!! He was NOT attractive and his personality did nothing for me. Aaron Roggia got there after I finished my root beer float. I think David and Camila were there together. I wanted to talk to David but it is NEVER worth acknowledging and conversing with Camila. Been there done that NEVER doing that AGAIN-ESPECIALLY NOT when my fuse is already short. This guy-Mark offered nothing interesting and I don't make an effort to talk to anyone for that lack-luster tepid response. When my Rootbeer float was done I got out of there. AGAIN lots of sisters with-David, Mark and Aaron-I guess it's great to be a guy in our ward.

Jonni sent 3 texts about the rodeo this Friday. I DON'T want to go if David comes and brings a date. She offered to let people park at her house and walk over with her. I think that's what happened on Pioneer Day. I REALLY DON'T NEED OR WANT to hang out with David on his dates. I am texting him about this or messaging him on Facebook. Jonni went with Emily and her then-fiance last year. Maybe that's a cultural thing BUT I'M NOT O.K. WITH THAT AT ALL.

I just found out DaNae's father passed away so she won't make our first Intellectual Freedom Committee Presentation tomorrow. I'm sad we aren't going to have the numbers I want tomorrow BUT it'll be alright.

In full effect. I went home and turned the light on AND it didn't go on!!! Sooo I went to the utilities place and paid my electric bill since they turned it off. $250.00-How the hell did it get that high???!!! Sooo now when I go home after work it should be ON. The last time I was late on my bill they placed a door hanger reminder so I had some warning. NO WARNING this time.

I went to Sam's Club after this to check prices on chicken and a sound system thing. They have this speaker thing with a mike for about $149.00. Stevens-Henager has a Karaoke Machine AND a grill that people here at work keep telling me to borrow BUT I don't want to do that all the time. I kind of want to scream because I don't know what to buy first or what to do first.

I've always relied on other people to supply my music needs. A quick look at Walmart's limited selection made me pretty happy. Travis is going to help me get all the music I need in the next couple of days. He doesn't know that yet but he will. There are so many nice looking speaker systems that just hook up to your phone. I think I will sign with Sprint and get an iphone in the next month or 2. EVERYTHING seems to be built with that in mind. My MAC is sooo much better than the HP laptop I had and the industrial looking Toshiba I had. My ancient Dell desktop is veeery slow although I did appreciate it when my MAC was out of commission. I need to get VERY familiar with this stuff for zumba anyway. Maybe this is preparing me to do that. The most expensive system was $198. I can't wait to look around and get something nice. Now I am seeing the blessing in disguise thing. I hooope Sam's club has something. I can call Costco in Odgen and go there if they have a better system. I'm feeling sooo much better about this. A DJ will cost between1-200 locally and 300 in SLC. Of course their speakers are better BUT I can still have something decent.

BBQ grills were in the garden center that closes at 8pm. I saw a big George Forman grill for $30.00. I remember Alisa finishing grilling on her Forman and it tasted fine. Tempting. I don't think people would like that BUT if I had 2 grills going I bet the chicken could be finished extremely quickly. We could just grill it at my house then take it over to the Pavillion.

Sooo feeling better about this!!!

Even if I don't know what that is right now. How the hell did I turn out to host a freakin party NOW???!!! I felt bad because I messed up that BBQ I was supposed to have with Lakeesha so I decided to do the damn thing and make it great. Sooo now I'm ticked because my nonmember family is going to be in California. I did invite a few more nonmembers-my IFC member Shawn Bliss. Also my co-worker Katie Doseck. The other work peeps have to work the Cache Valley Fair, will be in Vegas for training and then Eli will be at his family reunion.

Matt's homecoming is at 9am which means AFTER cleaning up at the chapel I'm going to have to sleep sort of and then leave at least by 7:15am. Then I get to enjoy the company of my family, eat AND drive  back to Logan to be here for work Monday. Sooo NOOOT looking forward to this. I wish David could  just drive me there. Even if we didn't torment my family it would be nice NOT to drive.

I haven't seen Laie and his family at all. I hope he's not avoiding me on purpose. I did want help grilling but HELLO IF I HAVE TO GRILL THE DAMN CHICKEN MYSELF I REALLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE. So maybe I'll have to buy a grill and sit here watching Youtube videos on grilling.

I think I'm going to go to Walmart and look at sound systems and grilling systems. Tomorrow I'm making sure I get several of Travis' DJ mixes-enough to play 4 hours of music I can easily interrupt for performers. I need a mic too.

I'm going to make this thing work because I can't have it do anything but that.

So I just reconnected with my non-member Mexican angel family and THEY ARE GOING TO BE IN CALIFORNIA THIS SATURDAY. Sooo the Navajo couple I was trying to fellowship is on the reservation and the Mexican angel family is gone too. I FINALLY called my cousin Will and he can't do it Saturday because his wife's family is visiting them this weekend from Michigan. Meanwhile my performers are getting ready and have agreed to perform. Now I need to find a good quality speaker and DVD player for this thing. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE MY BROTHER'S ANNIVERSARY???!!! The whole purpose for why I wanted to do this in the first place is gone. Now I just get to do it the best way I can for???!!! Can I scream now???!!! I have to drive to SLC Sunday morning because of this thing and I need to be the perfect little hostess!!!

I'm sooo glad that's DONE!!! I was modifying my Powerpoint slides right up to the minute my presentation began.

I gave David his raspberry dessert. He said it's really good so I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it. I'm still grateful to him for helping me.

I need to finalize/find my griller and sound man. I need to confirm with as many CVLA peeps as I can too. I finished my Intellectual freedom Powerpoint. Now to decide on food. I plan to go to Macy's tonight and figure that out/decide-Hoagie sandwiches with chips or nachos and 7-layer dip. Decisions, decisions.

I invited a bunch of people to my party from the ward who I'm not Facebook friends with. I think I invited everyone I wanted to so far. I still haven't invited my Mexican angels but I'll do that tomorrow along with delivering my CVLA invites personally to those people who I know will want a personal invitation.

FHE was alright. It was good to see Helene. I haven't seen her forever. I saw David but I never had the chance to talk to him. Evan's father got in a bicycle accident which means he has to help cater a wedding Saturday. That means my main griller is OUT. Robert is still going to help but he's NEVER grilled before. Neither have I. I wonder if David can grill. He's probably going to Bear Lake since he seems to like that stuff. I guess it can't hurt to ask. I asked my friend Elenoa to make 48 cupcakes for it and she agreed. That's 4 batches which I definitely think is more than doable. I want people to bring side dishes but I also want people to have something to eat even if that doesn't happen.

I'm going to give David his raspberry dessert tomorrow. Those raspberries are expensive little things. I should've bought frozen. I got fresh raspberries. He said he liked raspberries when we went boating and since I looove the only raspberry dessert I've ever eaten before I hope he likes it too.

I texted David about where I can meet him around noon. Sharon's watching the library from 8-1:45 when I have to be prepared to give my APA training to the faculty that includes my Director Sharla. Teaching Chris' class today was good practice since it was on APA too.

My DJ friend here in Logan can't do my party Saturday. Instead I Facebooked my cousin William to see if he could do it since he's a DJ and has a sound system. He did sound for the Jets so I'm not worried about his skills at all. It is a 2-hour drive from Orem however so I understand completely if he can't do it. I called my brother. I want him to sing AND MC. He is a natural. His anniversary is this Wednesday and my mom's watching the kids for him. He and Alisa were going to hit up Park City. I'm trying to sell him on the Crystal Inn up here in Logan since I get a discount for working at Stevens-Henager.

I hope it works. It may not. It will just go really well if my family can help me this weekend. Matt's homecoming is this Sunday so I'm leaving my Salt Lake family alone. If William and George can do it life will be VERRRY good. I just want this done well.

Time to finish up my APA presentation I need to do in an hour.

Teaching APA formatting to students tomorrow, faculty and staff Tuesday, Adjunct faculty Wednesday, CVLA meeting hosted by Stevens-Henager College Thursday, Rodeo with Jonni and whoever Friday, My summer BBQ party Saturday, Matt's homecoming Sunday. I'm not going to breathe much next week.

After posting the SAME 2 songs to David's Facebook page TWICE!!! He hasn't even listened to them. I wanted him to listen to Kris Allen's Falling Slowly because it is a fantastic song for the guitar which he plays. I added I Need to Know on because it's on the piano and I looove that song. I just couldn't resist. He gave me an incredibly lame excuse about not listening to videos on Facebook and how it impeded his work. I kind of felt like screaming at him BUT refrained and I had to remind myself that I am glad to be his friend. Perhaps I should just accept the notion he will just continue to drive me crazy because that's just what the hell he does. We've just come sooo far and I need to not get offended so easily. I decided to let this go. Yes, I let a lot of things go with him.

He bore his testimony today and mentioned how impressed he is with our ward members as he continues to get to know them better. I wonder who is impressing him. I miss seeing him in Sunday school and hearing his thoughts on different gospel principles. I think he's attending marriage prep with Julie who is impressing him. She impresses me but I don't have to like it although I may have to deal with it. Sarah is awesome. In relief society she shared something very personal with us today. She told us how difficult it is for her to believe that anyone can love her and that she has to constantly remind herself again and again. I don't know why she thinks that way. She is kind, outgoing and strives to live the gospel and keep the commandments.

I'm sure she comes from a loving family but I really don't know her background. My family loves me very much. I have often tried to figure out why self-esteem's never been one of my problems. I've thought my family is just really loving BUT I don't think that's it because a lot of people come from loving families.

I've never had to struggle with my testimony maybe that's why. I don't know.

I'm glad I went to Lynette's party today. I don't know her very well but it was very nice to be invited to her graduation party. She just finished her Master's degree in Math. She plans to keep teaching Middle School. Her family is kind and have a beautiful home in Bear River City. I was grateful to Brandon who drove but mingled at the party without sticking like glue to me when we were there. David told me  spending time alone with someone is dating to him. It's NOT to me. I had fun with Brandon BUT I DON'T want anything more than friendship with him. He gets that too. His sound system is great in his car and it's just the standard system.

I had the chance to talk to several of our ward members. The Navajo couple I mainly wanted to throw the BBQ for is on the Reservation now and won't be able to make it. I hope they're alright. There are still a bunch a diverse people I hope I'll be able to get to attend. I was able to convince our newest convert and ward member Evan to grill for me. He's getting his dad's grill and he works as a cook for The Italian Place. I will marinade chicken and he will grill. Robert Draper agreed to help him with this. They both work Saturday so they can't go to Bear Lake. I REALLY hope I get the church Pavillion confirmed for Saturday. If not I'm going to have to try my luck with Willow Park. The other thing I really hope is that Travis can DJ for this. There is a Young Adult activity at Bear Lake which sounds fun-yeah right!!!-not to me!!!-Although my 5pm start time is perfect for any ward members I invite since they can have fun all day at the lake then have dinner in Logan at my party.

This should be fun and I'm excited.

Trying to leave my bed. I just looove that I don't work on Fridays!!!

So I made a realization today. David looks like my hot mixed-Poly boys. Since I'm mixed myself I have a type which is usually tan BUT NOT dark. My dad was dark and I love my dad but I've never been attracted to that. I also like his hair color. My favorite rugby player is Sonny Bill Williams from the New Zealand Allblacks rugby team. He's mixed. My sister-in-law's nephew in that hot Samoan men calendar Steven Meredith is gorgeous. David kind of looks like him too. My friend Tupua REALLY looks like Stephen and just said thank-you when I first told him it was a nice picture. It wasn't until my sister-in-law posted something that he admitted it wasn't him. Ezra Taylor is the model for a Polynesian book series out of New Zealand. He has the same look. David has the same coloring thanks to his Asian mix. There are beautiful dark Poly boys like Dayvid the R & B singer and the model for Keahi in the same book series BUT that has never been my preference.

David hates me telling him how pretty he is so I don't do that anymore BUT he is-ALTHOUGH pretty only goes so far-which is why I hope he let's me take him to my nephew's homecoming. I'd love to tell stories to my family who ALWAYS torment me. They always say I'm too picky. I can tell stories to convince them I'm not picky at all. Bwahahaha!!! It would be too much fun for me!!!

All of David's qualities R what I like about him. He is spiritually on his own level which is WHY he could be plain and I'd still be interested. My next favorite characteristic is how smart he is. This beautiful Poly boy Wayne is super gorgeous. I kept wanting to spend time with him. Somehow he took my aunt to lunch with me. I was excited BUT then I thought he should just shut up and be beautiful because his conversation sucked. He was articulate BUT something was off. The lights were on but no one was home. That was a HUGE disappointment.

David can get a little too chatty sometimes but for the most part he is fine. I like how talented he is too. I love that he plays the piano, guitar AND the saxophone. I REALLY like that he's in my mid-singles ward even if sometimes he looks 12.

Monday I'm teaching APA formatting to Chris' class. Tuesday I have a faculty training on APA. I suggested it once they started sending EVERY student at Stevens-Henager to me. They got rid of the two teachers who teach APA. There is no way in Hell I'm reading EVERY paper. Speaking up and providing training is the only way for me to avoid this. They are NOT paying me to be the school editor. This goes beyond the scope, BUT I don't have a problem training others to do this.

I have the CVLA meeting at Stevens-Henager College next week and I need to figure out a menu.

I also told my Navajo friends we would do a cookout so I'm going to try to throw it together for next Saturday. I need to invite my sweet Mexican friends. I've just been ignoring them for no reason. The next day is Matt's homecoming in West Jordan so it's going to be tight. I've never thrown a party here before. I'm going to invite a wide variety of people. My relatives in Cache Valley, my Poly friends, my non-member friends, work friends and then some of my ward friends. I also want to invite the missionaries. I just want people to get to know each other better, for people to interact well with my non-member friends and for understanding and friendship to be fostered. That just sounds sooo cheesy. I want my nonmember friends to just get along with members and be encouraged to want to learn more about the gospel. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out BUT I'm giving it a shot.

I asked David if he liked the songs I sent him and he didn't even know what I was talking about. I've had people post stuff on my page before. I hit customized and his name but I couldn't tell if I just couldn't see it on his page because I wasn't him or if it just never went through. He never received it so I sent them AGAIN only this time I just stuck them on my page and tagged him. He said thanks but he never said whether he liked them or not. I'm asking in person next time.

I miss my straight full bangs. I put one of my pictures with my hair like that on my Facebook page. It is more humid here however and it can get irritating having to straighten my hair as often as it requires in this valley.

Everyone told me the Dark Knight is sooo good. NOOO it's just meh. I don't need to see the second movie. I finally finished here and am drinking a cooold drink as I sit here just a little freezing. Time to go upstairs.

I'm not sure why I have to try so hard. I love sleep almost as much as I love food. I left my grapes at work in the fridge. Elenoa visited me today. It inspired me to clean my kitchen and run a load of dishes. I haaate it when people visit me and my house is messy.

I made some rice I'm just going to mix with the left-over hash and eggs I have in the fridge for breakfast. I was thinking of how much I looove rice. I'm grateful for being raised in Hawaii where we have rice with every meal. I can also make fried rice. I was also thinking I have macaroni and cheese I can mix tuna and veggies into.

I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow. Although I love my sandals I've been trying to wear covered shoes because the skin on my feet is so dry. David got some very cute shoes. I don't like most sneaker-type shoes but these are nice. He can look good when he feels like it.

I'd rather wear some stilettos or strappy heeled sandals. I'm not sure what I'm wearing tomorrow. I'm VERY glad it's Thursday although I'm not particularly looking forward to coordination meeting. That means packing enough food since the earliest I can get away from work tomorrow is going to be about 4pm-BUT then it's done for a little bit although CVLA stuff is going to consume me soon.

I had to force myself to sleep at 1am. 5 hours of sleep isn't enough although I feel a little rested I still dismissed my alarm at 6am. Mind over mattress and I keep losing that battle. Maybe if I could just get enough sleep I wouldn't be so moody all the time. I went to Maceys around 11pm to buy some grapes. I also bought some of their left-over deli salads they sell pretty reasonably. Sooo I'm eating sandwiches, grapes-and some of that salad in a couple of hoagie buns I bought last night. I also brought my potato chips, m&ms, ice-cream and generic otter pops but this time I am eating the other stuff and supplementing with the junk, not the other way around.


I went to see Sarah's dress yesterday. It is beautiful and she will be radiant-BUT the best part of Sarah is that she is a good person that far outshines how stunning she'll be on her wedding day. I offered to help her with her reception here but she seems to have everything set-I offered to do her make-up but she doesn't normally wear make-up and she looks fine without it too. She's a laid-back bride. She has a cute townhouse they are planning on living in after they get married near the hospital.

This girl in my ward Lynette has a graduation party she invited me to attend. David's invited too but he hasn't responded one way or the other. Brandon has so I asked him to give me a ride. He agreed so I don't have to worry about that. I'm glad because if David was/is going I'd feel like I should ask him for a ride which is fine but then he probably has a date Saturday and I'm NOT riding with he and his date ANYWHERE and I don't care who the hell it is.

He is a little dating machine but he's not a player. I overheard him discussing some type of double or group date with Sarah and Aaron. I don't know if he's found someone he is interested in or not. I know how he feels about me and I do care about him but whether he does anything about that or not is up to him. If he ever decides to date me I hope he has continued to live or maintain his standards. I REALLY don't want to date him if he's had make-out sessions with most of the ward female population. I don't think he has but I really don't know.

I wonder if he'd let me take him to a family event and dress like a cowboy. I could tell them he's 22, fresh from his mission, is just working now at some fast-food place BUT planning on attending school although he's not sure what he'll major in AND that we met on EHarmony although they'd believe it more if I said that LDS dating site. He can be from Mendon or something. I would love to do that to my family. They completely deserve that for years of harrassment. The absolute best thing would be for him to meet my hip/hop, r&b, country-hating -X-DJ brother George and tell him how much he loooves country music. If I do end up with him this may not be the best plan ALTHOUGH it would be so much fun!!! I wonder if I can get him to do it. My nephew's homecoming is on the 12th.

It's on a Sunday which means he'd have to miss church BUT he'd attend my nephew's ward in West Jordan with me AND eat great food after. I am liking my plan very much. I owe him now. I can give him that raspberry dessert I'm making have him eat a piece and then see how he feels about my plan. I hope he agrees to do this!!!