Urban Poly Princess

I love my job. I enjoy my ward but my social life is nothing and I feel like I've tried with not a damn thing happening and that I might as well be somewhere that makes me happy. I haven't been doing anything at all recently which makes me a little responsible but let's see he didn't attend my party OR ward temple night. I didn't go to fhe two weeks in a row BUT I really felt like the spirit DIDN'T want me to go last week and I was in physical pain the week before. Last night Jonni and Nikki threw an ice-cream party for a bunch of girls in the ward which was nice but I kept thinking yeah I might as well hang out with my female cling-ons Karen or Elenoa. It would be different if I didn't know who I'm supposed to be with.

I know he knows too but it hasn't prompted him to do anything. I feel like it's a waste of time getting to know anyone else and male cling-ons are worse than the women and I don't like leading people on. Last night Nikki was asking me about school which is fine but I feel like she's only interested in criticizing me and not to my face. She hasn't done anything I know about BUT I haven't always been nice and I feel like I can recognize cattiness-I used to be the queen. Jonni's not like that.

Actually writing this out like this makes me realize I really haven't been doing anything myself and I can't blame our complete lack of anything solely on him. Why can't he just do everything? Why can't I just sit back and he take all the steps to date me and get to know me better? Why are so many women interested in him? Usually I just have to do a little bit and they do everything else. When I met him before he went to Hawaii I thought for sure he would seek me out when he came back. I walked by him twice without him doing anything which made me think I had to do everything which I tried AND he was fine at first until some B with her own agenda interfered. I couldn't get why he was treating me like that and she couldn't stop smiling. I just kept thinking old hag B.

Why does he have to keep dating the world. If he knows he's supposed to be with me why does he date anyone else? I can see that being a good thing if you don't know BUT dating provides the opportunity to get to know more people. Why does he have to date anyone now if he already knows I'm it? It has a purpose-NOT just to pass the time.

Our friendship has developed which is good, which I like. I just feel like it's stagnant. Maybe I didn't respond like I should on the phone. I just thought I could do that in person.