Urban Poly Princess

I think I can fault in anything and anyone can find fault if you look hard enough. I was thinking about how great I think Russ is but there is something I don't think is great. The nonmember girlfriend is definitely something that didn't work in his favor. I don't think he's dating her anymore but he did date her for a long time. I only met her once but she didn't impress me and Russ didn't impress me either for the first time. She was nice enough but I remember her putting her hand on his thigh and resting it there-not something I really wanted to see. That was in front of me and a bunch of people so who knows what they did in private.
Just having random thoughts.
I was glad to learn David hasn't started making out with the world. He just made a random comment at fhe. Random AND rare.

Birds are chirping...OK not really hahaha!!! I'm just feeling REALLY good. My house is getting to the spotless stage that lets me feel like I can do other stuff like cook/plan. Life is exciting and filled with possibilities. I'm not sure what the source of my happy mood is. I'm pretty sure I'm in that -L word BUT he probably had two dates this weekend with different girls. HOWEVER, I've never doubted how he feels about me-maybe I just know how to delude myself well BUT I am sooo feeling it now although nothing's happened. I'll be so moded if I'm wrong.
BUT right now I don't care. I'm just going to enjoy feeling good!!!

I rose from my satisfied slumber at noon. After I FINALLY got something to eat I thought about all the things I want to do and all the things I need to do to see these things come to pass. Life is really amazing. There are so many blessings I enjoy and can still enjoy if I just do what I can to enjoy them. It isn't that difficult. I got my dishwashing liquid from the store when I ventured out a little. The monster zit has dissipated but there's a scab there that I need to leave alone or risk receiving an ugly hole in my face. Cover-up is such a joyous thing.
I received lots of yummy New Zealand chocolate from my friend and former classmate Polini. Sooo good!!! She sent it to me after I made a post on Facebook that Pizza Pie Cafe was exactly how I thought it would be. She wrote I was making her hungry. I told her it wasn't that great and that I'd rather be eating some New Zealand chocolate sooo that made her message me that she'd send me some. I was annoyed when I heard the doorbell ring when I hadn't changed out of the clothes I slept in this morning. That quickly changed when I went to answer the door only to find the package there. The box was hot and the candy was soft. I just put it in the freezer and it looked fantastic after 20 minutes there. After taking pictures and posting these on Facebook to annoy my friends who don't have access to New Zealand chocolate now, I started eating one with rice krispies in it kind of like a crunch bar. Its an attempt to be like American chocolate although why ANYONE would want to imitate American chocolate is beyond me. This is why I started that one first. She sent carmello and fruit and nut bars which I loved eating in Tonga. I never had hazelnut or macadamia nut New Zealand chocolate before but I can't wait to try these. I would love to visit New Zealand some day. Polini sent me 5 huge yummy New Zealand candy bars. Mass production has made American chocolate weak and waxy. New Zealand chocolate is so rich you can't eat a lot of it even if you wanted to do that. While we have cadbury chocolate here it doesn't taste the same. I tried to explain that to someone once and they didn't believe me. Not only am I ruined by all the yummy Hawaiian local food I used to get BUT I also suffer from living in Tonga and eating real New Zealand butter all the time, sausages, chocolate, incredible ice-cream, meat pies, and pastries I can't get anywhere else. These little boys used to sell husked coconuts. The mouth of the coconut at one end has a soft opening you can fit straws into. Chilled coconut juice is AMAZING. I tried Sobe Life water's coconut version which is just gross when you've had the real thing.
I last saw Polini when we were 12. It's been over 23 years since I've seen her. It is so sweet that she'd do something like that. I'm going to enjoy my candy AND it's going to take awhile to finish all that. I'm so fortunate to have so many blessings. I'm grateful for what I have and what I continue to receive. 

My home teachers visited me 5 minutes after I got home from work around 9:30pm. I know I said it was fine BUT I don't like people visiting me if my house isn't spotless. I tried to clean up things quickly but then they were there pretty quick. I still had my grocery store ads strewn across the floor that I didn't notice.
They gave a good lesson on living in the moment. It was VERY similar to their meeting last month. Whatever we are doing now will be what we do after we get married. I thought of this more last month when they visited. I completely agree. Today is part of eternity. It doesn't begin when we're dead. It just continues. Josh shared a story about some movie he saw about some girl who lived in Texas but really wanted to move to San Francisco. She missed out on a lot of things she could've been enjoying in Texas by this attitude. That REALLY hit home for me and I know it's true. I did have fun at fhe AND I wouldn't have gone if I ignored the spirit AND if I didn't suspend the attitude. If we do what we know we should EVEN if our heart's not in it we WILL be rewarded AND surprised. Josh said the prayer to close and specifically asked that I would be able to follow the spirit. David did that too in Sunday School. Do I just notice these because I'm working on this OR is there a glaring light on my forehead that says PUANANI NEEDS TO QUIT RESISTING THE SPIRIT???!!!-Whatever-I'll take the extra divine assistance.
The Intellectual Freedom Committee meeting went well as did my work meeting. The Power of Influence book we were required to read by Cialdini was actually really good and made me think of a lot of things I hadn't considered. Coming up with 4 ways to incorporate his suggestions into my work was not difficult.
The 4th of July isn't on a weekend and my plans include remaining in Logan. While I don't work on the 4th, it's flanked by two work days. What to do, what to do-besides sleeping in that is!!! No movies I want to see. Doing nothing is actually fine too.
I need dish washing liquid. Yes I have to leave the house to do that and make myself look alive!!!

I know meetings are a necessary part of life BUT they are irritating-kind of like planning-I just want to LIVE life already BUT unless I plan things these won't be done as efficiently as they can.
I went to the intellectual freedom committee meeting at 9am-when I got there I discovered it was at 10am-so I went back home before returning to the actual meeting. We're attending conferences throughout the state to give training. It sounds like it'll be fun. Our chair Wanda wants to get involved with the ACLU-something I DON'T want to do-BECAUSE they are always fighting about something. Injustice maybe BUT I don't like their tendency to be combative. I suppose being on the intellectual freedom committee is VERY ACLU-oriented. I like considering all these different issues BUT I DON'T feel like marching or anything like that.
Soon it was time for my Thursday coordination meeting. I got to find 4 ways I would incorporate Cialdini's power of influence in my work. I finished this JUST as it was time for the meeting.
My home teacher wants to visit tonight. I told him that was fine but that I wouldn't be done with work until 9:30pm so it's up to him.
Josh called me to set it up. My other home teacher is Jeff. He was supposed to go boating with us. David said he was excited to go and that he was bringing some girl. I was there when he asked Heather if she was going to our activity. Mindi invited her and I was happy to see her since I met her the night before at our ward BBQ. She came to sit by me where I sat by Jan. She seems very real which is very nice for a change. Jeff came and sat by her. He asked her if she was going to our boating activity. She said she was then he said he'd be going as well. He TOLD her he'd pick her up. She said that was nice of him. He disappeared after that then we went and got in the food line. Heather's uncle who she lives with joined us in line. He's been living here awhile but she just moved here from California. He is divorced and has several kids. He was at the BBQ too. Jeff tries to sit by Heather again but sees her uncle there. I'm sure he got the wrong impression. Heather and her uncle are oblivious. I didn't say anything. Maybe I should've. Heather didn't seem interested in Jeff but who knows. That's not for me to judge. If someone TOLD me they'd pick me up however, I'd tell them what they could pick up AND it wouldn't be me.

I had fun with David at fhe. I miss him. Spending time with him reminded me of all the things I like. BUT I miss being in control. I read my last post-my last JEALOUS post. I'm NOT going to ask whether he went to the temple with Camilla OR ask about that girl with the long hair and the timid annoying mouse voice/face-OK-I will limit the petty stuff to my BLOG-that's what it's here for-for me to vent and then behave like a sane person!!! Sooo here I am AGAIN. An idiot AGAIN. I'm an emotional basketcase AGAIN and I can't even blame it on my period because it's DONE now!!! AND it's left me with a MONSTER ZIT right between my eyebrows. I haven't been a teenager in over 20 years. I know how to take care of my skin which is why I don't pop the thing. It'll go away WITHOUT a scar if I just keep it clean BUT SO NOT WHAT I WANT ON MY FACE NOW OR EVER!!! GRRR..... Of course David is half Chinese so he looks 12 and has perfect skin. MORE GRRR..... It's not like I want him to have bad skin or look different-it's just not a confidence booster to chat with him when my skin is acting up. The biggest culprit of break-outs is stress so my little break-down right now is NOT beneficial to clearing this up at all. Vicious cycle. I have an intellectual freedom committee meeting tomorrow so I won't have to work until much later. Of course that means I'm working until 9:30pm tomorrow. BUT then I'm done for the weekend sooo not bad actually. I do FINALLY feel like David and I really are friends again which is great. That needs to be developed whatever happens or doesn't. Alright I'm feeling some sanity filter in now. Yes, my blogging therapy is effective!!! This is why we are told to write in our journals. We need to frequently look at ourselves and figure out if our life is moving to joy!!! We usually know what's stopping that. I usually do when I sit there and write stuff. I feel fine now. Where did that psycho-breakdown thing come from? Things really are fine and great. I'm so thankful for sooo many blessings. For the examples of great people and for the spirit that is my constant companion and guide even when I would ignore its direction.

I went to bed right after my visiting teachers left at around 8pm. I guess I needed the sleep. I didn't eat anything last night.
I looove the spirit. I was getting annoyed by things I was thinking sooo I just asked AND I looove what I was told!!! I didn't think I'd get that much insight. I guess this really does have to work. YES I get it already AND I already agreed to do this!!! BUT there's a reason why I resist this-In my mind that's why I don't want to do this!!! I know how he acts AND I don't like it much. BUT-I'll just keep walking by faith and cling to what I know.
I wonder if David did a session with Camilla last night. I hope he didn't but he probably did. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself. He told her he would go with her even if he was dating someone. I'M NOT DATING HIM BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. Would David be o.k. if someone he was dating went with some guy to a session alone and to talk to him about a personal problem he was having? I think NOT, but that's just me.

Yes that's right, today I am one of the 7 dwarfs. My phone alarm was set for 6am but I just kept sleeping, "a little longer"... before I knew it I had no choice but to drag myself from bed, throw some clothes and makeup on grab the "nutritious" pop-tarts in my cupboard and drive to work. I threw my gold slip-ons on which I looove BUT I don't feel professional in them. I need to wear some heels pretty quick. My slip-ons make me wish I was reading a good novel lounging at home with my AC turned on just so... Or SLEEPING-such a great thing!!! I looove that the spirit isn't harassing me right now-I'm getting a break because I went to fhe. Nice, nice, nice!!! My VTs are coming tonight at 7:30. When they're done I'm going to bed EARLY so I can start my fitness OCD again. I want to follow in my sister-in-law's footsteps and be a Zumba instructor. She holds classes at Gold's Gym and the Provo Rec. Center. I'd love it if I could hold classes at the Gold's Gym here and the Logan Rec. Center. These are both veeery close to my apartment. 
Last night the girl who asked me about David in the temple came boating with us. Her name is Camilla. She was pretty bold with David in front of me last night. I think I enjoyed watching how he'd respond a little too much. She asked him if he was dating another girl he brought to class. He said he isn't but it sounded like he might want that when he was telling Sarah and Aaron about it later. When I brought up the sun at the BBQ he said he wasn't thinking about the sun then. I left that comment alone although I'm sure it was supposed to prompt me to ask why so he could tell me about some girl he finds fascinating-one thing David doesn't do is shut up about dating-which I suppose is good and should be our focus as MID-SINGLES that need to hurry up and get married BUT I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT-I should have proded just to hear what he's thinking right now. I guess I just didn't want to get upset BUT I should have provided the opportunity AND I'm trying to be a good friend ALTHOUGH I hope my friend duties don't have to include that. Camilla said Russ Weekes was going to do a session with her but he hadn't gotten back to her yet. I have to give her credit-she asks the best-looking guys in the ward to help her with her problem. I'm so happy for Russ. David said he was accepted to graduate school in Georgia.-He is perfect-brilliant, talented, fun, fine, and spiritually on point. I wish he was for me but I already know he's not. So some other lucky girl is going to end up very happy with him someday.
It sounds like David had a nice visit with his parents. He has a lot of siblings but they don't seem very close. I only have one brother but I am close to he and his family as well as most of my first cousins and their kids. His blended/convert family make the dynamics different. Whatever they are or aren't I'm glad he spent time with them and introduced them to people who mean a lot to him.

FHE was fun. Hardly N E 1 showed up BUT it was still alright. The SUN. I've NEVER purposely sat there with the sun shining directly in my face. It reminded me of our ward BBQ. I didn't get how no one else seemed bothered by it. I used the wake-board as a shield and then various life-jackets until I had to let the people actually entering the water use them.
It was nice to talk to David NORMALLY. I am consciously making an effort to be more positive and do what I know my Father in Heaven wants me to do. David can see right through that. Yes, I am doing the fake it til you make it thing, but that's what works for me. It can become real. I wasn't totally thrilled to be doing this but I psyched myself out anyway and I really did have fun. I was concerned with getting wet but the SUN was actually the real problem. I'm REALLY trying not to be sarcastic. I'm not always genuine about my excitement for something sooo I guess that's how I come off. My fake it til you make it principle recognizes we don't always want to do something. We should always do things for the right reasons BUT sometimes we can't change our heart. I see nothing wrong with doing good anyway. I've found eventually this becomes very real.
David did REALLY well. The girls took about what felt like an hour each although I'm sure it wasn't that long. Eventually with them I didn't care if they got it to work or not because it took so long and they kept wiping out. I'm certain they did much better than I would've done BUT it just got old.
I'm feeling like I'm doing exactly what I should now.

This is the real title of that talk by Jeffrey R. Holland that I looove!!! I found it online for something else and now I wish I had it before when I was trying to resist what I knew I had to do. All it takes is for me to read this talk to feel petty and silly. It may be difficult for me but really it's NOT THAT TOUGH!!!

Funny, different passages stood out to me before-Here's one that hit home to me NOW:

"But education, or public service, or social responsibility, or professional accomplishment of ANY kind is vain if we cannot, in those crucial moments of pivotal personal history, submit ourselves to God even when all our hopes and fears may tempt us otherwise. We must be willing to place all that we have--not just our posessions (they may be the easiest things of all to give up), but also our ambition and pride and stubborness and vanity--we must place it all on the altar' of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away."

I can completely relate to how our possessions are the easiest to give up. Following the spirit does not affect my ambition although it completely works against my pride, stubborness and vanity

I still love this quote from C. S. Lewis and The Screwtape Letters
The work of devils and darkness is never more certain to be defeated than when men and women, not finding it easy or pleasant but still determined to do the Father's will, look out upon their lives from which it may seem every trace of God has vanished, and asking why they have been so forsaken, still bow their heads and obey. Actually Pres. Holland paraphrased this so it's not a direct quote.

Pres. Holland in the beginning talks about the visit of the Savior to the American Continent. He reminds us of how mass destruction  has just occurred. He reminds us of how this is the Savior who is about to speak-the focus of every church gathering, fireside-EVERYTHING-right in the VERY beginning of what he says to them he includes how he has SUFFERED THE WILL OF THE FATHER. I love reading this because when following the spirit feels like I am SUFFERING-it helps to think I'm not the only person who ever felt that. It is so comforting to know the Savior felt that way too. I know my challenges barely scratch the service of what he went through BUT it still makes me feel better to read that.

I looked up Newton reservoir online. It reminds me of Provo lake from the pictures. There were a lot of fish pictures in Google Images anyway. Newton has a library that is at the elementary school. It doesn't have any funding however. If I had known earlier we were going to Newton I would've visited the library earlier today and just stayed there. I don't want to use my gas however so it's alright. I'm going to go home and change during my lunch break and then just leave here a little before 6pm to get to the church in time to travel. My old YSA ward had a BBQ at Provo Lake followed by Lars Moleni taking us for rides in his boat. I expect it to be something similar to that minus the BBQ. Taking my camera for this.

David knows exactly how I'd respond AND how I reacted the last time he acted shady STILL he ignored me anyway. This leads me to Blieve whatever he prevented by doing that was MAJOR. I know I need to leave this and quit kicking the beehive, it just makes me curious-BUT I trust his judgment AND although I don't know everything, I know enough so NOW I will NEVER revisit this AGAIN!!!

I didn't buy nylons and I have a pair with a huge run in them I'm throwing away so I wore my slip-ons to church. My feet felt casual! I FINALLY got a chance to talk to David. Nice and NORMAL!-The more I think about what happened that night at Pizza Pie Cafe, the more I think of how creepy it was when everyone at the table turned to look at me. I think I like being clueless. There's something freaky about that whole thing I probably wouldn't like very much.
My friend Jan was sitting by himself at linger longer. He has some sort of mental disorder but I'm not sure what it is. He owns all these action figures and dvds. He also keeps up with all the storylines for the different superheroes. I went and sat by him and asked him what was wrong. He said he was upset about some graphic novel character that he was unable to get because he had to print it out from the computer. I offered to print it for him but then he explained it was something updated daily. I told him about the library and then he started to talk about what he didn't like about the library. I told him I'm a librarian before he got too carried away. I hope he's o.k.-I introduced him to my friend Heather I just met yesterday. He asked her to pick a date. She told him her birthday and then he began reciting something-it sounded like the script for some sort of adventure. I remember Rainman a looong time ago-it was a movie with a man in it with a mental disorder that coincided with genius-ability with numbers. I wonder if Jan has the same thing only with remembering events and dialogue. He didn't want to eat anything. His mother came to get him. I hope he is alright.
I have a Vietnamese friend Joe who I met when I first moved to Utah. He was my coach at a collection center. Later I became the collection trainer. He was raised in West Valley but speaks fluent Vietnamese. He was the Asian Club President when I was Polynesian Club President at the University of Utah. He is very intelligent and moved when he graduated to New York City. I thought he was going to go to law school. He was interested in girls when I knew him. Now he's gay with a live-in boyfriend. It's so strange to look at his facebook pictures. I'm not sure when he started living as a gay man.
During sacrament meeting the talks were normal, nothing spectacular BUT I kept feeling like I was going to start crying. It's only lately that I've connected over-emotional over-sensitive feelings with when I have or am going to have my period. It's really annoying. I kept questioning myself about why I'm getting upset about... NOTHING. I don't think this is really fair. I don't know enough about male biology but I don't think they go through anything like this.

It was sooo hot. I kept thinking about my beautiful AC at home which I am enjoying very much now. Everything felt dirty and yucky and gross. I saw David there but I didn't get a chance to talk to him and then when I could have I didn't because I had to get out of there quick-It's that wonderful time of the month and I wasn't even there for an hour when I knew I needed to leave right away. I need to just not go to activities when I know there's a risk. I didn't go to the temple because of that. The irony!!! I wanted to see David and make sure he knew I wasn't angry. I don't know the whole story BUT I know enough to understand there's more going on there than what I see on the surface. I never should've gone because I just had to leave RIGHT AWAY. When I got there about half an hour late they were out of plates so I used a fish plate that was once holding some dessert. I sat down at a table and the sun was directly in my face. I moved but it was still annoyingly bright. When I finally scurried out of there it was in my face again AND it remained for the duration of my drive home.

I guess laundry is part of cleaning. I think I'm going to find a recipe for mac salad online. I don't expect my ward to like that very much. It is an essential part of a REAL Hawaiian gathering. I'm going to make it for myself. I'm marinating pork with the Hawaiian marinade EVERYONE uses, FOR GOOD REASON!!! IT MAKES ANY MEAT SCRUMPTIOUS!!! Aloha shoyu, brown sugar, garlic, ginger and a little sesame oil. Rice is done. I just need my MAC salad for my own personal plate lunch I'm NOT spending $10 for one from Mo Bettah Steaks for AWHILE!!! I guess I can buy some spinach and make a tossed salad for my ward-easy peasy!!!
My house isn't spotless yet. My car is sooo far from spotless. I need to go through a drive-through car wash AND vacumn inside. I haven't done that in awhile. I get so obsessive about my house. I need to extend that OCD to my car.

I just thought of something. Last night when I asked what Katie what she was writing her paper on the entire table with the rest of my ward members to the left all turned to look at us. It was like I was in the spotlight. I thought it was odd at the time. I'm wondering if Katie or someone else said something to David about me. I wonder if they were on a date last night and I was interferring. David wouldn't even look at me at the end and I heard him telling Katie he was sorry and he tried to put up blinders with his hands. I hope no one gave David grief last night for neglecting Katie. He didn't tell me he was on a date. He was acting normal until later. I don't really care if I caused trouble. I do care however if David was attacked. There is no doubt in my mind I was supposed to be there. I REALLY didn't want to go BUT I still did because I felt like I needed to do exactly that. I guess I was the clueless one. He didn't ignore me all night. It was just at the end. I hope he's alright. I feel bad now for assuming the worst BUT feeling like crap at the end was VERY REAL and treating me like I suddenly became invisible was uncalled for, if he was being criticized or I was for talking occassionally-I feel bad for being negative about him. As far as I'm concerned right now, he was fine and everything was normal. That incident's just been erased. He spoke to Lark and Sarah too. I wonder if those conversations drew dismay or just me. If it's just me I think thats great!!!

Looove my AC!!!  I was definitely born in the right place at the right time. Hawaii at least has a breeze and nice weather except for the showers. Harsh weather conditions like Utah NEED artificial help.

It IS that glorious time of the month so I am not abnormally psychotic. Hormones HAVE been affecting my emotional state!!! I shouldn't be so happy to learn that BUT my response was NOT appropriate for the offense. I was upset last night AND while it still bothers me I expect that type of behavior from David, that's nothing new BUT my gut reaction however, getting THAT upset over being ignored when I know this is what he does-OFTEN-is stupid.

Paying back all my debt through my bankruptcy is going to cost me 140 a month!!! I can't believe it. I can actually begin saving again.That's going to include my title loan too. It includes my back-taxes as well. I still need to file my taxes for this year. Life is very nice. My court hearing is in Ogden on July 5th.

I also have to pay for my driving-without-insurance ticket. That is a mandatory $400 for the first offense. The judge knocked 100 off of that and is letting me pay a little over a hundred a month for 3 months. Actually I don't need a payment plan with this bankruptcy plan. I can pay it off with 1 check EVEN with rent and utilities due. 300 is going to be a piece of cake. First however I need to get everything EXACTLY how it needs to be.

I'll get my MAC cord at the beginning of July when I'm paid on the 5th then I can whip out my Thesis and get the MBA AND start the Stevens-Henager College 2-year count-down. By working for the College for another 2 years I don't have to pay them back the 27,000 going to school for free cost me. I need to figure out a budget of how much it costs for me just to maintain life as I'm living it now. Once I do that I'll save money for 3 months of living expenses. Then... I want to get a freezer. It'll save me money. I found this plan on Pintrest that lets you freeze items that make preparing meals so simple. When I used to coupon I learned buying stuff in bulk, storing, and then using the items as needed is veeery wise. It saves a ton of money. I do that to a limited extent. I have lots of spaghetti sauce, tuna, and spam. Cereal is easy to get cheaply. I still have boxes of Captain Crunch I haven't opened yet and I usually buy 2 huge brown rice bags when I hit up Costco in SLC. I STILL have razors from when I first started couponing.

I'm going to do that again too. Storing items like laundry detergent and dryer sheets is also a veeery good idea. As is paper towels, Being poor has made me realize how bad I am with eating out. Now I really try to keep this to a minimum. Eventually I'll get cable again BUT first I'm going to Have EVERYTHING paid for. AND I need a black leather sectional for my front room, Queen-size bed for one of my bedrooms AND just one Flatscreen television downstairs so I take my mother's minature dvd/tv back to her FINALLY. Every time I sleep in my Queen-size bed in SLC it makes me miss it. I have a full bed BECAUSE I planned to get one later eventually. Eventually NEVER came. I have enough Pictures upstairs AND downstairs. Thank U DI!!!

Now I'm just rambling...

My niece Nakita wrote about my nephew proposing to his girlfriend. I'm sooo happy for him. I love him sooo much and I know the joy this decision will bring to his life!!! He's getting married in September. Can't wait!!!

I prayed a lot last night and this morning too and I decided I'm annoyed at nothing. My Poly culture has spoiled me and my friend David has never been skillful socially. I remember him telling me about a girl who began her talk in sacrament meeting with some sort of pee analogy. He recognized it as inappropriate BUT he had no problem sharing it with me. It NEVER dawned on him that THAT was inappropriate. He thinks toilet humor is not offensive and is better than cussing. I think it's worse. I think there's something about the Y chromosone that makes men stupid that way. I've known for awhile now David's social skills leave a lot to be desired, but when he does something off it's still jarring. I looove the spirit because it told me exactly what was going on there AND that calmed me down. This is what happens when a clueless white man who is used to women fawning over him is friends with a Poly girl who is used to men fawning over her. The singular good thing that came from last night-that is NOT his favorite eatery!!!-He eats like a Poly man-He had 12 pieces of pizza last night like nothing. It's not that time of the month although maybe it's right around the corner because hormonal? YES. Last night was like last fast Sunday all over again when I felt like ALL the testimonies were directed at me and I kept feeling like crying over the slightest thing anyone would say. I should be grateful I enjoy guidance.

I probably just needed to sleep. I was so annoyed by having to go in the first place. Sarah texted me late the previous night and so it just bugged me the whole night because I knew I needed to be there but I didn't want to do that. I thought I could text that problem away but that didn't work. I looove sleep-the spirit knows that too because a pattern in my life is for it to interrupt my sleep so I don't really receive the rest I need. I will ALWAYS do what the spirit wants me to do anyway. I don't know why I even bother trying to resist. It just bugs me until I do what it wants. I should be more worried it'll quit bothering me.

So why was I supposed to go to this thing? I don't know. I tried to be social but I was getting bored near the end and then I just left. There was David, Porter, and Robert along with a whole lot of girls from the ward. David's #1 fan Katie was there along with Lark, another fan. I had to insert myself in he and Katie's conversation because he seemed pretty oblivious to the fact that I was sitting there with no one else to talk with. He made sure I knew he's going on a double date to Salt Lake City with Katie tomorrow. REALLY???!!!

He had an exclusive conversation with Katie while I just sat there. He was fine with that. I was not.

Yes I get to feel like an idiot. That's o.k.-if this is what Heavenly Father wants me to go through that's fine. I'm tired of fighting the spirit. Whatever it requires I'm just going to do my best to be happy throughout the experience. I'm not exactly happy now. It hurts and it sucks but I don't think he's a bad person. I know he listens to the spirit too. That's ALL he's been talking about lately. I know he wants to do right just as much as I do. Why don't these coincide? I've been in love before. I can fall for someone else. I don't need to be led to someone else, just away from him.

He asked Katie if she sang on her mission. He didn't ask me AND I was sitting right there. It's like I suddenly vanished and it was sooo nooot coool!!! He shared what he did while I listened and felt stupid because he wasn't including me. That is why I left as soon as I could. Sooo messed up. I know this about him already. I don't know how he thinks that's alright. I hope one day someone will make him feel like he made me feel. It won't be me because I will never treat anyone like that.

Sarah texted me late last night about ANOTHER Pizza Pie Cafe activity to celebrate the birthdays in the ward. Its an LDS Sportsbar Cafeteria establishment that costs 8.99 for the pizza buffet. At least there's a salad bar. I think David loooves this place because I've seen more than 1 picture of him on Facebook there. I DON'T want to go so throughout the night I came up with a text in my head for him I thought would be sufficient for this-BUT NOOO. Since I'm supposed to attend this EACH month, I decided to fake it until I make it starting NOW. I searched online for coupons and came across the facebook page which is running a special. All I have to do is mention Facebook when I order to get the buffet for 5.50-the deal ends today-I'm liking it for real already!!! That is an incredible price for ANY type of buffet. There's supposed to be a way to enter a sweepstakes to eat there for a year. I would DEFINITELY looove them if I could do that.
I'm pretty sure I'm good now AND for real!!!

This morning I read in the paper they selected the new Cache County Director who doesn't have an MLS or any type of graduate degree. I'm sure she was more than happy to accept the salary they were willing to pay her. I'm sad BUT I'm NOT going to work for $11 an hour. I wish Lynn Lemon had emailed me when I wasn't selected. I'd feel better about this. I'd love to move right now BUT in light of what I've decided I'm going to stick around a little longer.
Time to get fitness OCD again. If I have to get married soon it's going to be in a size 3-5 dress. I REALLY need to dust off the MBA thesis too. There are lots of things I need to do NOW. It's payday and I need to figure out all this stuff AND my bankruptcy stuff too. Lot to do and not much time to do it. Life is awesome because there are always fresh challenges!!! I love this gospel and I feel bad I had to remind myself of a lot of things I wanted to ignore.

I love my patriarchal blessing. I received it when I was 14. I prayed for my father in heaven to tell me to serve a mission if I was supposed to do that. There is no specific mention of a mission in my blessing but I made the decision to serve one anyway. I was actually pretty upset when there was no mission mention. Historically taking the world into consideration the number of women who have been able to serve a full-time mission is miniscule. Soon after I received my blessing I figured out the type of man I'd marry from what it said. I became a little obsessive trying to learn as much as I could about various prophets and apostles and their wives. Among these I read the biography of Ezra Taft Benson. His wife served a mission to Hawaii. It is a blessing to serve a mission. Why didn't the Lord specifically tell me to serve one when I was 14? In my Tongan extended family-my mother is an only child so REALLY my ONLY extended family-girls go on missions just as much as the guys do-I was annoyed by my blessing. My stake president was Tongan. EVERY time he saw me-when I was still in youth and Young Womens' he'd ask me if I was going to go on a mission. Eventually I had this stupid little spiel about how if the Lord wanted every young woman to serve a mission he would command them to do so-My Tongan friends from Tonga had that mentality. I grew up with some of them in Tonga. They had served missions or were preparing to serve and attended BYU-Hawaii when I was still in high school. They kept asking me the same thing too. I didn't think I was supposed to go at first but I wanted to go and attended mission prep which was held at the temple visitor's center 2 years before I turned 21. I decided if Heavenly Father didn't want me to go he could tell me not to.
I loved my mission so much. My family is incredible but I needed to go on my mission to learn to rely completely on him. I didn't call home when I faced a challenge, I got on my knees. I always prayed before and received answers but I also always had my family who helped me with solutions. For the first time I had no choice but to completely rely on my Father in Heaven. Developing my relationship with him was so important. It's also where I learned how awesome and integral the spirit is in directing our lives. ALL of our choices can be guided by the spirit. That is such a blessing. One of the unforgiveable sins is denying the Holy Ghost-you can deny God and even the Son BUT denying the spirit is not an option. It's a great thing I just remembered that. I know that statements have been made about how denying the Holy Ghost is difficult for most people to do because your knowledge must be about complete. Then you deny this-ALRIGHT scary!!! I really wasn't considering this. I don't have any doubt about what the spirit revealed to me. There's just a lot of drama, extra stuff, and annoying individuals who truly test my resolve that comes along with that. I tried to close that chapter when it didn't go anywhere. I took steps and gained control over that. Apparently I get to keep pounding my head against the wall and lose my carefully cultivated control. I already decided days ago to follow the spirit. I wish I could garner enthusiasm. I'm just not feeling it yet. BUT I trust I will if I remain strong just NOT the way I thought I would.

I decided to look closer at exactly what Nephi did when he followed the spirit and killed Laban. 4:6 "And I was led by the spirit NOT KNOWING BEFOREHAND the things that I should do."
I like this because I have NO CLUE about how or what to do.
4:7 "Nevertheless I WENT FORTH."-Just because I don't know exactly what to do doesn't mean I should be paralyzed-there are many things I CAN and SHOULD DO to move in the right direction.
In verse 10 he's constrained by the spirit to slay Laban BUT he backs away and wishes the spirit would say something different.-I CAN COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS.
Spirit reasons with Nephi-The Lord has designed it to be so, Repeats 2X the Lord has delivered Laban into his hands, he is reminded of his blessings, OF HOW IMPORTANT HIS DECISION IS, AND OF HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL BE AFFECTED-OVERALL THE EXTREME IMPORTANCE of his FOLLOWING THE SPIRIT.
2 Nephi 32:3 "Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ. For behold, the words of Christ will tell you ALL THINGS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO."
Nephi had to be convinced to follow the spirit. He didn't want to do that initially-he proceeded without a clear plan of action. He was reminded of the far-reaching effects and importance of his compliance AND/OR following the spirit. I know that too-I've had sooo many experiences that have convinced me of this. It should be more difficult for me to consider NOT following the spirit. I NEVER thought I'd EVER have this problem. When I get home I'm going to read my patriarchal blessing. In my head I get this but Nephi received strength to kill Laban when he was reminded of how much hinged on his choice. I don't need to kill Laban but I want to shrink too rather than follow the spirit. There are so many blessings I have in store for me. I knew that when I was 14. I still know that. Why isn't this easy then?

David actually is capable of socializing without flirting. Unless I just didn't hear it, he was the perfect little fhe leader socializing with a wide group of people without giving undue interest to anyone in particular. I tried to talk to him a couple times but he was talking to other people so I decided to let him come and talk to me himself if he felt like it but he never did. Chad used to be in my original fhe group. I used to call him all the time to remind him of our fhe activities. I kept hoping David would come and chat with me and Chad but instead Tim did. He is alright. He asked me if I was a convert. I told him I was raised in the church. He said that surprised him. What the hell is that supposed to mean? He talked to me about how he was in a program to get his high school diploma next Spring. He was so happy and I am happy for him too. He talked about being less active and finally coming back to activity. I'm glad he returned to his father-in-heaven. He said he is so grateful to be worthy of and have a temple recommend. I told him that was more important than any diploma or degree.
I really like this new version of David-Whatever happens or doesn't I still do think this is a HUGE improvement. I'm glad we have eternal progression. We don't need to remain in our inadequecy. Thank goodness. I do not work to foster the spirit a lot of the time. I need to also constantly cultivate humility. My AC is working again and it is BEAUTIFUL. If my AC was a guy I'd marry him.

Today we had fhe at 6pm at 1st Dam at the beginning of Logan canyon. I'm glad I went because I haven't been as supportive of fhe as I should. I just didn't want to deal with David OR his many fans. David gave a beautiful lesson on truth and the role of the spirit. He reminded me of how important the spirit is in my life. I know that-it's just difficult because I feel like I've done that repeatedly. I keep doing that only to get shot down again and again. I don't want to try anymore BUT I know I need to do that despite anything. Trying for me now doesn't mean doing anything. It just means being willing to listen to, be friends with, and interact with someone who has hurt me in the past. Amazing-I usually  have to be dating someone before they can hurt me like that. This experience caused me to actually question my reliance on the spirit... A hint of that skepticism remains as I try to live worthy of my insurmountable blessings.

We were studying one of my favorite scripture passages yesterday. Alma after giving up the chief judgeship is the leader of the church and travels to strengthen the membership. I love this passage because the amazing, great Alma WRESTLES in MIGHTY PRAYER for the people of Ammonihah who not just ignore him but spit on him and drive him out of the land. I always love this story because Alma is worthy, discouraged, and prays fervently but is still discouraged and depressed when he is kicked out of Ammonihah-It is ONLY then that the angel appears, he is told to go back to Ammonihah and he meets his new missionary companion Amulek. Where was Amulek before? Why did he have to go through that? There is a talk given my President Holland I read and reread on my mission about just how many miles we'd have to travel if we decided to become great missionaries. It posed the question about when angels really came. It questioned how Nephi had to follow the spirit and actually kill a man-something contrary to EVERYTHING he had been taught. He asked why the plates couldn't have fallen off a chariot on the way to the plate polishers-why indeed? He suggested that these experiences were necessary to build the characters of these men. I started to share this awesome principle yesterday but then I thought of myself and how instead of returning to Ammonihah I've become discouraged, disenchanted and even wary of following the spirit because results haven't always been to my liking. Even with Amulek, Alma and he are still thrown into dungeons, people still treat him badly BUT this time he is supported by the Lord and given the strength to withstand his trials. My trials pale in comparison but it shouldn't matter if I feel stupid again or even again and again and again. If I'm following the spirit it doesn't matter and I will be blessed regardless. Pres. Holland talked about how when we recite the Nephi 3:7 verse I will go we need to realize exactly what we are committing to do-It can sound trite but often there are lots of miles, difficult miles that may require much more from us than we can imagine. Giving that Mexican family $500 was easy, being told I need to dealing with people and situations I've had enough of is NOT. Free agency is still sacred. I've finally resolved my free agency issue. I ALWAYS have the free agency to reject what I don't want BUT I can only do it with the knowledge I had a better option that would bring me more blessings and ultimately a fullness of joy. I can't see it right now BUT I will ALWAYS trust my Father in Heaven's wisdom over my own. Sooo I'm just going to try my best to follow the spirit AND remember that AFTER Alma had explored EVERY option AND WRESTLED with God in prayer, he was still sticken, spit on, and kicked out of the city. Only AFTER this complete and utter failure on his part did the angel appear and STILL things were not suddenly easy everywhere. I'm grateful for the messages of the Book of Mormon and I pray that I always remember the lessons they teach me.

I REALLY miss my dad today. No reference to father's day AT ALL at my ward although the parking lot was empty. I bet everyone's celebrating. I wish I still could too. He taught me so much. My brother once told me to think of how much our father loved us even and despite his imperfections. Our father in heaven is perfect and can love us perfectly. That comparison gives me some idea of how much our father in heaven loves us. I'm grateful to have had a father who loved me as much as he did. He always treated me like a princess. He was Tongan so certain things didn't matter to him like holidays OR writing to me on my mission. I think he wrote to me twice the whole time at the insistence of my mother BUT I never doubted how much he loved me. I was a clothes horse and he didn't care. In high school I'd try to run out of the house without my family seeing what I was wearing. When they caught me I had to stand and be inspected. If anything was too short or too revealing I had to change. Once he took me mission shopping. I took him to Laura Ashley. He couldn't believe I wanted these modest dresses. He was so happy and I was able to pick up 3 dresses there. He just wanted to leave. It was great!!! My mother knew better. She made me try on anything I wanted then she looked at the pricetag BEFORE deciding if I could get it or not. He knew about all these Korean places to eat that were delicious AND generous-my mother usually thought we could wait to eat until we were home. He loved church books and discussing gospel principles. Sometimes he enjoyed arguing about these unfortunately-especially with his friends in Sunday School. When I wanted to get my nails done downtown my dad would take me there and either wait in the car or pick me up when I was done. Downtown was an hour away from Hauula where we lived. My father was hilarious and a lot like my brother in that everyone loved him. BUT he wasn't as sweet as everyone thought he was. He'd make little comments to me about his brothers-in-law that he didn't like. All his brothers-in-law told me he was their favorite. If they only knew. I'm grateful he and my mother spent time with me immediately following a rollover I had in Fillmore on my way back to SLC. I was supposed to die. I suffered a brain injury and should be a vegetable now. It was a miracle that I recovered almost completely. He flew up here from Hawaii when that happened. I was in a coma for 2 weeks. He was there and interfered with the nurses and doctors all the time. He went with me to any treatments and asked a million questions being an overprotective and intrusive father. Pres. Groberg gave me a blessing. I don't remember what I did or said to people. My mother flew up the following week. My parents stayed a month with me after my accident. It was nice to have them there. I may have abused that. We attended a University of Utah family ward. Eventually I went to the Tongan Liberty Ward with my dad when his cousin Muli Kinikini asked him to come along. It was fun to be able to attend church with him. There was this Tongan lady who always took every opportunity to sing because I guess someone told her she sang well. She didn't. Once she sang with her grand-daughter. It was bad. Whenever we would go somewhere the next week with my parents my dad would break into song imitating her. I couldn't stop laughing when he did that. Unfortunately it was this running joke between us. Inevitably she sang AGAIN during another sacrament meeting. My dad leaned over to me and started singing the way he did when he was making fun of her. I had to leave sacrament meeting because I started laughing. I couldn't go back inside until she was done. Of course my father caused trouble and asked me what was wrong when I returned. My brother is a lot like him. Everyone loves him and thinks he's sooo sweet. I tell him they just don't know the real George. Another thing that I will miss is him being a grandfather to the children I have someday. He used to visit George's first child Noelani EVERY day after she was born. George told me one day - "He visits her EVERY day!"-He loved ALL of his grandchildren sooo much. They were his life. He used to tell me there was no one good enough for me on the earth but it was o.k.-I could get married in the next life. I just told him I was going to marry an apostle. He did try to set me up with his friends that were students at BYU-Hawaii that worked in the temple with him. George tried that too only with BYU students when he worked at the Provo temple. Now I'm still single. I know what I need to do up to a point and I trust my father in heaven I just wish my counsel was different. Some things are better BUT I know I need to do my part completely despite how I just don't really want to do that. Tomorrow is fhe at 1st Dam with hiking, games, and whatever outside. NO AC!!! Dirt, sweat and nature. NOT what I like but I know I should have a good attitude, be supportive and AT LEAST TRY. I did a mapquest search and it isn't that far. The only time I'd go to these things outdoors is when I was the fhe mom and Tiffany and I were good friends. She'd pick me up to go to these things I hated. Of course I called half of our group personally EVERY time we had an activity-whatever it was and I was full of optimism and perkiness. Matt was a great partner. He called the other half too. We thought it was the most effective way to get people to show up. It was. We had many people attending our fhe activities that were NOT in our group. Matt unfortunately loooved the outdoors. He and his friends once flew to Hawaii and slept under a bridge to avoid paying for a hotel. That doesn't sound fun to me at all. That would be punishment. Sleeping on my brother's couch and having to make a late night run for contact solution is my idea of roughing it.

I ventured out just to change the many pennies that were in my register, buy some toilet paper from Smith's and buy some books for the library from the Logan Library's bookstore. My freaken AC isn't working again. I just noticed it tonight so I'm calling tomorrow. It's cooler outside than it is inside. I called them ALREADY!!! They've been here this summer. I NEED them to fix this Bcause in July and August it's going to be unbearable. I don't know what their problem is. I saw a for rent sign in one of the new condos I like on the other side of the golf course near that path I love. Maybe if I move I won't have to deal with things falling apart on me all the time. Hella annoying!!! Today I mailed ALL my bankruptcy papers. I went to Zion's bank in Providence to use their change machine which was out of order although that just meant one of the tellers got to count them instead. Marsha the librarian who is retiring from the Providence Library had her open house today so I went there and had the chance to talk to her for a minute. She does have her MLS and worked as an elementary school teacher before she decided to attend library school. She and her husband served a mission together and he served in Hawaii as a young man. They are moving to Rancho Cordova near the Sacramento, California temple. She's worked at the library for 16 years. That is amazing service. She was acting like I had the job already. When I said goodbye she made a joke about me being glad she retired. She is a nice lady and I'm very happy for her. A lot of children came to give her a hug. She's the only librarian many of those children know. Teenagers once attended her storytimes. I think being an elementary school teacher is excellent preparation for children's librarians. I hope I get the opportunity. I feel like Lynn Lemon is weighing all his options. Something that is very wise.

Today USU hosted the CVLA. One of their librarians gave a presentation on primary sources and the visiting director of the West Mountain Digital Initiative gave another presentation. It began with a business meeting that focused on the structure we would like to have. A bylaw committee was formed and I decided to join and nominate others when it looked like USU and Logan library were going to determine everything-something I DON'T want ALTHOUGH I appreciate and LOOOVE their support I REALLY want our organization to meet the needs of the smaller public libraries AND the bulk of the public school libraries throughout the area too. Of course what I want doesn't really matter, what does matter is what the group would like to have happen. I'm so glad I got the ball rolling but the organization belongs to the members not to me. I loved the tour of the USU library. They have an automated system that both looks and acts like a couple of automated parking lots in Waikiki only instead of storing cars, the system stores shelves of books. As items get digitized that'll be less and less of a problem. Anne from the USU library was my tour guide. She did an excellent job. As fascinating as their work can be, I'm definitely interested in becoming a public librarian. I like serving the needs of the general population. I'm glad I started in academic however. It will make me more versatile. I'm grateful I get to determine what shape my library takes. I tried to call Lynn Lemon but he never did get back to me after my email. Perhaps he's trying to keep his options open and explore different people and possibilities. Perhaps they've selected someone else. I've done everything so now I leave it in my Father in Heaven's hands. Maybe I'll volunteer at Logan public OR North Logan. Logan is the closest and would require the least amount of travel time.

I'm so excited for the USU CVLA meeting tomorrow. I didn't help with ANYTHING but I figured it should be fine since there's about 9 of them. I'm so happy they are excited about this and working hard for it to be exactly what I knew it could. I know we can have a great time at this and I truly look forward to the future of it. Today I spent OVER AN HOUR at Logan traffic court. The judge was very lenient when it was FINALLY my turn. I STILL have to pay him 110 a month for a total of 330. My bills never cease. I updated my textbook list at work. I am itching to start major decorating there.It was ward temple night. I REALLY needed it. All was great UNTIL I was talking to this new girl who sat by me. She just moved to Logan to attend school. She asked me if usually there were more people and I told her yes. She then told me David said he'd see her there tonight. I asked her which one and she didn't know. I only know 1 David although I'm sure we have more than one. I just WAS NOT going to carry on a conversation with her about David AND definitely NOT in the temple. She reminds me of a mouse. I REALLY DON'T need to meet his fans, especially not when I'm trying to focus on his good qualities.

It's the second time I've made a tuna casserole. It's delicious. I'm not sure why people don't like tuna casseroles in general. I remember my mother would buy hamburger and tuna helper probably because she wasn't raised making that kind of food. I can't imagine buying that stuff now. Fresh is sooo much better. I don't think my mother developed anything other than her Asian cooking skills. She did bake delicious cookies, no-bake cookies and lots of chocolate creations. I bought some brocolli I chopped up with onion and chicken cream soup, noodles, shredded cheddar cheese then I topped the whole thing with cornflakes. Talk about easy. She'd go through these phases that would stop. I learned how to make Italian food on my own because I wanted to learn. Now I am pretty confident cooking anything. I don't however trust my BBQ skills. I want to learn my Poly BBQ so I don't have to spend $10 at Mo Bettah Steaks every time I feel like eating it although once in awhile I have to do that. Fresh food just tastes so much better. I'm kind of a food snob but I'm alright with that. I hope to hear from Lynn Lemon tomorrow. I hope my suggestion works for him. Ward temple night tomorrow. I always need it when it comes around.

I emailed the county executive and tried to convince him to pay me 15.00 an hour only at 21 hours a week instead of 29. I can't make less than that but I am willing to do the job in less hours. I tried calling him several times with no luck before I decided to just email him. Career-wise being a director is perfect. I certainly want to be a director later making six figures and this is a fabulous stepping stone. I don't want to live on a farm again. If they can give me that position on my terms it will mean I just keep living on this farm with the fulltime job I love AND just something extra. This is going to be the first AND LAST farm I ever spend time in. I will be here longer to see the CVLA flourish as I already see it growing. My next job will be incredible-I started a professional organization, got my MBA, managed the library at a college for 2 + years AND HOPEFULLY served as the director for the cache county library for at least 2 years. That experience will land me a sweet job with an equally sweet salary somewhere (CALIFORNIA!!!) I could even do SLC since my family are there. I'd rather live in Cali and fly to Utah to visit my family as occassion permits!!! I have family in Cali but no one that close to me. I'll enjoy getting to know them however. The Jets' brother Donny Wolfgramm is getting married Saturday. It would be sooo awesome to attend. The reception starts at 5 followed by entertainment until 10pm. This is the baby of the family. He has 12 brothers and sisters. The entertainment is going to be amazing. I looove Elizabeth's voice. Make it Real is my favorite Jet's jam. Just like a concert. I wish I could go. He has his wedding dance Friday too. BUT NO I'll be here on the damn farm. I was set up with Donny on a date on Valentine's day and he was a total sweetheart. I'm glad he found someone gorgeous that he gets along with. He kept trying to get close to me after that but REALLY???!!! I was bored so I'm sure he was super-bored too. Absolutely NOOO connection. He never went on a mission either, another HUGE NOOO. He just liked the way I looked AND that I kept the conversation flowing BUT yeah NOOO. Perfect gentleman however and Teisa is a lucky girl because he will treat her like gold. Poly men usually know how to treat women well BUT the bright ones tend to party and NOT have testimonies. The fine ones with money are players. Stereotyping yes I know I am. Although it doesn't really matter because I haven't seen ANY Poly men Xcept for that guy Rudy in my ward. He is Samoan BUT I remember meeting him before when I first moved here and he said something annoying like there's no way I was Polynesian. That was when my friend took me to a regular singles ward. He isn't fine AT ALL and I'd make him my friend if I thought he'd be content with just that but he is going to be just kept at a distance BCAUSE I've been there a lot before and I'm not going to give him ANY hope.

Bro. and Sis. Peck shared the story of how they got together and then got married. They met at Rick's College in Rexburg following his mission. I enjoyed their story. There were MANY people there and I sat on this stool that was HARD. I needed to walk around later, my butt was sore after listening to them. We were then served brownies and ice-cream or strawberry shortcake. Ice-cream is my downfall and I chose it. It was too crowded and I left pretty soon after dessert there were too many people in their home. They are sweet BUT I couldn't help thinking this is NEVER going to be my life. I DON'T want to live here much longer. My interview went well and I'm pretty sure I'd get this job BUT they want to pay me 11.07 an hour because that's what they paid their last director. Hell to the NOOO!!! He asked me how low I'd go. It's a part time public library position I looove BUT I made 14 an hour as a substitute librarian for Salt Lake County. I DON'T THINK SOOO!!! I told the county executive I'd do it for 15 an hour IF he was willing to give me a raise after a year. I like that I'd be in charge AND I like the experience I'd gain from a part time gig BUUUT I can't do it for $11 an hour. I hope they find a way to give me more money because I'd love the position BUT it's alright if they don't. Filing bankruptcy is going to allow me to work just one job AND pay my bills. It's just such a great opportunity. I hope they find a way to make it fly. If they do I intend to show them exactly why I'm worth a lot more. If they don't I am job-hunting throughout Stevens-Henager and College America wherever. I trust my Father-in-Heaven and I miss civilization. I feel like I live on a big farm. Two years is a good length of time to be at a job and I've hit that mark. Despite the frequent culture clashes, I do like my ward. It is filled with nice people for the most part. I hope David is having fun with his parents. He doesn't seem to be that close to his family. I love my family and I like being close to my immediate AND my extended family. It is always nice to be with people who love you unconditionally, who know your faults and weaknesses but still love you anyway. Family brings that unconditional love.

I had a great albeit laaazy weekend!!! It was actually very nice. I FINALLY saw Snow White which I enjoyed BUT isn't really that great of a movie. It was good to see it as a matinee so it only cost me $6. I saw my Mexican angel family at Walmart Saturday, they were so sweet. They want to BBQ with me on Friday. They were so grateful for the money I gave them. I guess Heavenly Father knew exactly what they needed. I'm so grateful they found me and helped me not blow up my third engine. I talked to Carol in the ward who speaks Spanish to see if she would come with me. She agreed to this and I'm going to involve her so we can fellowship them as much as we can. During Sunday School yesterday I was sitting at the back near one of the doors. This guy who I don't know was sitting right near the door by me. Another man in my ward uses some sort of crutches all the time. It's a permanent condition. He entered and was looking for a seat while I waited a second for the idiot man to get the hell up but he just sat there. I got up and the man with the crutches/walking aparatus thanked me. That is such a small thing to do. It was obviously difficult for him to navigate himself BUT the guy sitting by me just sat there. Another glorious glaring reminder to me of how grateful I am for my Poly upbringing. That situation's not even a question. I should expect this type of clueless behavior by now. It still apalls me. This is just the latest example. I don't get how insensitive and uncaring people can be-I hate thinking it's a white thing all the time BUT I know there is nooo Poly that would ever just sit there or do any of the million other things that bug the hell out of me. Helene told me when she was driving the bus one day this elderly man got on the bus. There was no place for him to sit and teenagers sat in the seats near to the door. She had to tell them they needed to move several times. When they just sat there she told them they could either move or get off her bus. Common decency-why haven't people been taught that? What type of homes are people raised in? My family is far from perfect but I WAS TAUGHT HOW TO TREAT OTHER PEOPLE. FHE tonight is with one of the members of our stake presidency. President Peck is who I renewed my temple recommend with. David's parents are visiting him tonight so he won't be there. I talked to him for a little bit. I'm not angry with him like before and I'm happy I made an effort. I saw him again at our ward fireside later but the memory of being treated like a dog is still there and I don't intend to EVER put myself in that position AGAIN. I KNOW I need to be his friend so I am trying!!! Finding that happy balance however is not easy.

I actually went home at 6pm!!! As soon as I got to my apartment I turned on the AC, kicked off my shoes and slept on the loveseat downstairs. I woke up around 9pm when I cleaned up my stuff downstairs, went upstairs FINALLY then went to the store to get some veggies AND my propel zero flavored water is on sale at Macy's for 50 cents. I used my $50 visa card century link sent me for signing up for the internet with them. Still a little wary about giving $500 to my Mexican friends, I prayed about it a few times before I actually did it. I kept getting the same answer so I went to the bank and dipped into the $750 reserve they allow me. I stuck it in a thank you card and drove to Hyrum. I asked Chris to watch the library for me for a couple of hours so I could go to my Mountain America branch in North Logan before going to Hyrum. They are so sweet they kept talking to me about his healing miracle and then they said we should meet up for a BBQ at the lake in Hyrum. It's so weird to have friends that barely understand you. Later that night Pablo texted me that he could take care of something because of my generosity. I was sooo grateful to him. Buying another car is NOT an option right now. My friends here at work recommended I check my oil EVERY two weeks. I think I'll just do it when I get paid every two weeks until it becomes a habit. Travis said I NEED to change my oil badly. I'll try to get it done the Saturday following my next payday on the 20th. I have enough cash left over to pay my tithing AND leave me with $70 for food. The extra $50 from century link is a blessing. I'm still going to have to dip into my reserve when I get paid again since I'll get maybe $450 after the negative is adjusted of which I need to set aside $300 for rent and $147 for my first bankruptcy filing payment. I'm REALLY glad Margaret Oak told our class that statement that the law of tithing is the law of getting by but the law of fast offering is the law of getting ahead. Since I've started to pay fast offering I've definitely been getting ahead. I remember one of my former bishops Bishop Fangupo told an inspiring story about fast offering. He and his wife were married for six years and she was unable to conceive. They discussed this with their bishop at the time. He told them if they would double their fast offering they would be alright. They did and after several months she did conceive however she had a miscarriage. Devastated their bishop told them if they would double this again they would have a child. With amazing faith they did this again and several months later they had a baby boy. Now they have 6 children. The eldest is on a mission now. They have a huge house in South Jordan. It is big and mansion-like. The Fiefias who were in the bishopric later actually did have a mansion. South Jordan is a great new area. If I were to raise a family in and around Salt Lake City my first choice would be Cottonwood Heights followed closely by Draper or South Jordan. NOOO... Actually my first choice is a condo right downtown although with a family I'd need a house in the avenues or Federal Heights. I love being right downtown. I think however I'd rather live in California. Cache Valley is temporary!!!

In order to pay my angels $500 AND pay everything I need to pay on the 20th, I'm going to have to maintain a negative balance twice. July the 5th will be the first time I'll B able to see a positive balance. I'm not going to see Snow White and the Huntsman for awhile. I'm glad there's a way I can do this BUT it just SUCKS. One of the students here lives near me and has helped me MANY times. He's a DJ and I wanted to throw some hip hop dances at first. Cache Valley however seems to be stuck on a techno thing. I've never had him help me outside of work however BUT he offered to change my oil and I trust him to do that. AGAIN I wish my family were here to do this stuff. My car has been such a headache to maintain AND it's a cheap car. My student-friend has offered to do car stuff for me before but I kept thinking with my luck the car will fall on him somehow AND I'll be responsible for medical bills and other stuff like that. He said changing the oil just involves unscrewing a cap under the car. Sooo I'm going to buy the stuff next paycheck before I delve into the negative to pay everything again. This car thing could've been extremely ugly. I'm sooo grateful Heavenly Father had mercy on me DESPITE my repeated neglect of the SAME THING!!! What I like about Pedro last night is he acted like a lot of Polynesian guys. He didn't expect me to pour the oil in after I bought it AND he carried the oil to the register and then to the car again after I bought it. That is NORMAL to me. White men don't do that. Jared would've done that for the wrong reasons. MayB David would do that, I don't know. He was a gentleman in the extreme when we had dinner ALTHOUGH he seemed to think I should learn how to change a tire myself. I agree that is a wise thing to learn BUT I've never had problems finding men to change tires for me ALTHOUGH strangers can be scary. I'm sooo grateful Pedro had his family with him. I remember putting air in my tires while I was in my stilettos at some service station. The older white guy just watched me and did NOT offer to help. I kept thinking Wow, Really???!!! If U were Poly there is no way in hell I'd be putting the air myself in these damn tires.

I had a fabulous day today because I decided that's what I wanted to experience. Yesterday I was so angry AND I had enough of that. I had a 2-hour break during which time I was able to run to the bank and fill my gas tank. I finished work at 9:30 pm and started at 8am. Chris misunderstood and he would've made arrangements if he knew he had to do that. Being angry is a huge downer and it is also a CHOICE. I choose NOT to dwell on that. Work was alright and I didn't feel as tired as I did yesterday. I got home and thought I needed to stick my rent in the night drop. On my way there the oil light flashed on my dashboard. I thought I'll go to Walmart. BUT then it flashed AGAIN sooo I turned into the gas station and bought some oil. I poured the entire bottle AND I was thinking it was surely fine and I'd get some of the students tomorrow at Stevens-Henager College to help me. This Mexican guy came over and began speaking Spanish to me. I told him I was Polynesian. He asked if he could help me by checking my oil. I told him to go ahead since I REALLY didn't know what I was doing. I DID manage to pour the oil in the right place at least. He told me I needed at least 3 more bottles but that I should go to Walmart where oil wasn't as expensive. I told him o.k. I'll go drive there and he said NOOO U can't drive your car before putting oil in it. He said he was there with his wife, brother-in-law (about 11) and mother-in-law. He offered to drive me go to Walmart and get the oil. I am sooo grateful for his help. He asked if the car was unusually hot or if it made any noise. It didn't OR maybe my radio was turned up too much. He and his family had just finished church. He is a member of the Assembly of God Pentacostal church. He told me 10 years ago he was dying from HIV, syphillis, and gonnorhea. He led a VERY different life then. He found God and the savior or rather he probably thinks of them as one in the same-he was completely cured AND completely converted and has been traveling and sharing his testimony with people for the last 10 years. I told him I also served a mission in Sacramento, California. His name is Pablo Munoz. His wife and mother-in-law are both named Gloria and the 11?-year-old brother-in-law is Noe Guzman. They could barely speak English so Noe translated a whole lot. It reminded me of some of the Tongan families who frequently rely on their children to translate for them. I'm definitely going to give them money. I have about 30.00 left in my account after paying my rent, filling my gas tank AND buying oil thanks to the attorney and insurance payment. I have to go to the bank and overdraw it on purpose for this to work. I just did it to file bankruptcy, I can certainly do it to pay them. I keep feeling like I need to give them $500. I do feel they deserve that. I just don't feel like I can really afford to do that now. BUT that's what the spirit's telling me so I'd better listen. That's going to leave me with $650 to budget veeery carefully. I have to pay my tithing, utility bills, and food with that for 2 weeks. Actually when I see it written out like that it doesn't seem so bad. BUTTT-My $200 title loan payment is due then, Tithing 170-Rent again $300, I need a little under 200 for my bankruptcy payment. I feel like my car is a money-sucker. STILL it's cheaper than buying a new car. At least for now. I can just do this again if need B.

I stayed downstairs and cooked a bunch. I feel A LOT better now and I can't believe the difference it makes to finally leave work AND relax. I'm alright now. A children's book on lesbian moms was taken off the shelves in Davis county. If we don't protect the rights of people we do not agree with, we shouldn't expect to have our rights preserved. The book was bought by the librarians who wanted to encourage tolerance and respect since one of the young boys who was a student there actually did have two mothers in a lesbian partnership. It's tough to know where the line should be drawn. I am leaning more towards leaving the book on the shelf. It can be used as an opportunity to teach children instead of pretending it doesn't exist. Children should be taught to be kind and accepting of ALL people DESPITE their beliefs. Minority rights should not be ignored. Agency is sacred. There are MANY things we can control. When how we behave hurts other people we need to reconsider our actions. Nothing is easy-nothing worthwhile anyway. I'm glad I joined the intellectual freedom committee. I like considering real issues and appropriate responses. I like considering implications-especially when these are difficult. I like thinking about things I may never have considered. I never thought I'd ever be a librarian. I always thought I'd be an attorney. I think this is more fun. There is a journalist in me too that would've been developed more if it paid better. I still want to do that but on my own terms. Digitally I can do that now. Life is filled with opportunities and blessings. I wish I remembered that all the time. I do trust my father in heaven and I will do what I know I need to do. I wish he told me exactly what to do sometimes-BUT then we would be slothful servants, with no use for a brain. The challenge is fun. Life is good. If I follow the spirit EVERYTHING will work out the way it should. I know that sooo time to stop being angry over things I can't control. It is wasted energy and I prefer not to waste that!!!

Today I started work at 7:45am so I could help students get their textbooks for the new module. Oh look! It's 7:40 so I ALMOST worked 12 hours STRAIGHT!!! Unfortunately for me I'll be here until 9:30pm. It's a good thing I brought food with me. My fuse is not just veeery short, it's non-existent. My lunch relief person called in because his wife is sick and they have a couple boys. I get that this is no one's fault. We're down to a skeleton staff right now. I still feel like screaming and crying. I went to talk to Sharla to see if she had any suggestions. I told her this couldn't keep happening. I'm taking 2-3 hours off tomorrow. Whatever I can get. I think I'll just take off and watch Snow White and the Huntsman some time next week. My boss was very nice and it's o.k.-One of my friends wrote under my Facebook complaint it was alright because I'd get extra money BUT NOOO!!!-SALARY MEANS I GET PAID THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHETHER I WORK 3 HOURS OR 70 HOURS A WEEK. VENTING, VENTING ALL THE DAY!!! GIVE O GIVE O GIVE AWAY!!! I am so tired and onery and it is happening AGAIN tomorrow only I should at least get a break. I'd better. I can't believe this is happening. Counting my blessings, yes I have many. I'm grateful to have a job I enjoy, opportunities to grow. BUT I'm not going to be taken advantage.

Fast Sunday gets me all emotional for nothing. O.K. maybe NOT nothing. Chase bore his testimony about the spirit AND I started to feel guilty. Free agency is sacred. I feel like if I follow the spirit I'll be forcing myself into a no-win situation again that has just made me feel like an idiot before. I don't want to have ANY association with something I like being over and done with. Part of me feels REALLY good BUT I CAN'T IGNORE the spirit. David bore his testimony too AND talked about revelation AND the spirit. Ryan taught Sunday School. He and this guy Robert are complete scriptorians. I wish I knew my scriptures as well as they both do-Ryan kept referencing verses all over the place. He is very impressive. Robert knows a lot too. He will give the historical background of any item or anything even mentioned in any of the standard works. It is great not so much for the knowledge, BUT because they care enough to study what really makes the biggest difference in our lives. I can just tell by their comments in class. Julie called off her wedding. I hope she's alright. I have no idea what happened and I really don't care. She is a fantastic person and I hope she is given the strength to get through this... whatever THIS is. Sarah taught a lesson about how great the Savior is-she read a quote about how the universe contains more stars and planets than 10X all the grains of sand on the earth. She then had the class list the many qualities and characteristics of the Savior. I guess the day was meant for me. She tied it all together to having faith and trusting our father in heaven who knows us and loves us very much. AND yes I know that-WHAT ABOUT FREE AGENCY THOUGH???!!! Shouldn't we be able to say NOOO if we don't like something???!!! Sooo what it all means is that I NEED to listen to the spirit DESPITE how following it has ONLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE I'M DELIBERATELY CHOOSING HELL!!! Right now I know I'm not following the spirit BUT I DO FEEL LIKE I'M IN CONTROL!!! I know what I'm supposed to do-BUT that way lies madness!!! Yes I'm being a damn drama queen, I know that. What am I supposed to learn from this? Time to behave like I do actually belong in this ward again. David's high-councilman roomate Darryl asked me for the blood drive list. Matt is happily married now and actually in another stake. That's probably why Jared called me to get the list yesterday. BUT let's see... the day I answer a phone call from Jared now is the day hell freezes over. He left a message to call him back. AGAIN, hell would have to freeze over before I EVER call him again. I feel like that was a convenient way for him to contact me. NOOO!!! That would be horrible IF the spirit told me Jared was who I should be with, that would be MUCH WORSE. I have to work ALL DAY AND NIGHT tomorrow. Judy is taking her husband to surgery. A legitimate excuse and actually it gives me a reason not to attend fhe tomorrow. Heidi posted on David's Facebook about joining her family to see Pres. Peck the following week. I guess that would be alright BUT I think I'll make sure David knows the Logan library shows movies each Monday too. Options are good. BUT then again, maybe Pres. Peck will say something I need to hear.

I looove Saturdays about as much as I looove Fridays!!! I looove the temple. I went there on my lazy day yesterday. Today I'm going to complete the intimidating stack of paperwork to finish processing my bankruptcy. This is going to take FOREVER!!! I know I just need to do it. The previous attorney would've charged me $800 AND I'd have to complete the paperwork entirely B4 any filing occurred. I was VERY FORTUNATE to find someone who was willing to work with me. This is mostly going to be another lazy day although I may venture out to fax these to my attorney. I FINALLY feel like I have a handle on my finances although this was a pretty dramatic way to do that. Everything else I tried didn't work. After being garnished this was the ONLY ALTERNATIVE left. I feel like I've been away from my ward forever although it was only 1 weekend. I'm going visiting teaching early tomorrow or at 10am-early for me!!! We usually go at 11 and 11:30am. I talked to Lynn Lemon the county executive Thursday. He was unable to schedule an interview for me with the people he needs to be present. He said he'd schedule it for next week instead. I'd love the job and the challenge. If that doesn't happen I'll be seriously looking and hoping to move somewhere we have a Stevens-Henager College or sister school. I'd looove to move to San Diego BUT I'd need a significant raise to do that. Salt Lake would be great too since I wouldn't have to pay rent AND I could work in Provo rent free too with my brother although I'd probably feel obligated to help out there too. Wherever I go its time to get OCD about fitness again. Alisa looks fantastic. I saw her at the BBQ and I'm used to seeing her all fit and slim now. I want to be a zumba instructor too like her. She looks great and if she can do it with the 9 gorgeous nieces and nephews of mine I REALLY have no excuse. I looove how life always gives us more challenges. I know I need to get married and I know my guidance there I'm just REALLY NOT FEELING IT. That needs to be what I give my priority to I just have no clue. I feel like I've done everything I possibly can and I want some different guidance. FREE AGENCY is sacred whatever guidance you get. I don't feel like praying about this anymore although I know that's when I'm supposed to do it even more. This just sucks. I'm READY for something different. I'm over this BUT my guidance isn't complying with me. I did pray about this AGAIN in the temple. I don't like feeling stupid and following the spirit is making me feel that way now so I'm just ignoring it because I don't know what else to do.