Urban Poly Princess

I love my patriarchal blessing. I received it when I was 14. I prayed for my father in heaven to tell me to serve a mission if I was supposed to do that. There is no specific mention of a mission in my blessing but I made the decision to serve one anyway. I was actually pretty upset when there was no mission mention. Historically taking the world into consideration the number of women who have been able to serve a full-time mission is miniscule. Soon after I received my blessing I figured out the type of man I'd marry from what it said. I became a little obsessive trying to learn as much as I could about various prophets and apostles and their wives. Among these I read the biography of Ezra Taft Benson. His wife served a mission to Hawaii. It is a blessing to serve a mission. Why didn't the Lord specifically tell me to serve one when I was 14? In my Tongan extended family-my mother is an only child so REALLY my ONLY extended family-girls go on missions just as much as the guys do-I was annoyed by my blessing. My stake president was Tongan. EVERY time he saw me-when I was still in youth and Young Womens' he'd ask me if I was going to go on a mission. Eventually I had this stupid little spiel about how if the Lord wanted every young woman to serve a mission he would command them to do so-My Tongan friends from Tonga had that mentality. I grew up with some of them in Tonga. They had served missions or were preparing to serve and attended BYU-Hawaii when I was still in high school. They kept asking me the same thing too. I didn't think I was supposed to go at first but I wanted to go and attended mission prep which was held at the temple visitor's center 2 years before I turned 21. I decided if Heavenly Father didn't want me to go he could tell me not to.
I loved my mission so much. My family is incredible but I needed to go on my mission to learn to rely completely on him. I didn't call home when I faced a challenge, I got on my knees. I always prayed before and received answers but I also always had my family who helped me with solutions. For the first time I had no choice but to completely rely on my Father in Heaven. Developing my relationship with him was so important. It's also where I learned how awesome and integral the spirit is in directing our lives. ALL of our choices can be guided by the spirit. That is such a blessing. One of the unforgiveable sins is denying the Holy Ghost-you can deny God and even the Son BUT denying the spirit is not an option. It's a great thing I just remembered that. I know that statements have been made about how denying the Holy Ghost is difficult for most people to do because your knowledge must be about complete. Then you deny this-ALRIGHT scary!!! I really wasn't considering this. I don't have any doubt about what the spirit revealed to me. There's just a lot of drama, extra stuff, and annoying individuals who truly test my resolve that comes along with that. I tried to close that chapter when it didn't go anywhere. I took steps and gained control over that. Apparently I get to keep pounding my head against the wall and lose my carefully cultivated control. I already decided days ago to follow the spirit. I wish I could garner enthusiasm. I'm just not feeling it yet. BUT I trust I will if I remain strong just NOT the way I thought I would.