Urban Poly Princess

Fast Sunday gets me all emotional for nothing. O.K. maybe NOT nothing. Chase bore his testimony about the spirit AND I started to feel guilty. Free agency is sacred. I feel like if I follow the spirit I'll be forcing myself into a no-win situation again that has just made me feel like an idiot before. I don't want to have ANY association with something I like being over and done with. Part of me feels REALLY good BUT I CAN'T IGNORE the spirit. David bore his testimony too AND talked about revelation AND the spirit. Ryan taught Sunday School. He and this guy Robert are complete scriptorians. I wish I knew my scriptures as well as they both do-Ryan kept referencing verses all over the place. He is very impressive. Robert knows a lot too. He will give the historical background of any item or anything even mentioned in any of the standard works. It is great not so much for the knowledge, BUT because they care enough to study what really makes the biggest difference in our lives. I can just tell by their comments in class. Julie called off her wedding. I hope she's alright. I have no idea what happened and I really don't care. She is a fantastic person and I hope she is given the strength to get through this... whatever THIS is. Sarah taught a lesson about how great the Savior is-she read a quote about how the universe contains more stars and planets than 10X all the grains of sand on the earth. She then had the class list the many qualities and characteristics of the Savior. I guess the day was meant for me. She tied it all together to having faith and trusting our father in heaven who knows us and loves us very much. AND yes I know that-WHAT ABOUT FREE AGENCY THOUGH???!!! Shouldn't we be able to say NOOO if we don't like something???!!! Sooo what it all means is that I NEED to listen to the spirit DESPITE how following it has ONLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE I'M DELIBERATELY CHOOSING HELL!!! Right now I know I'm not following the spirit BUT I DO FEEL LIKE I'M IN CONTROL!!! I know what I'm supposed to do-BUT that way lies madness!!! Yes I'm being a damn drama queen, I know that. What am I supposed to learn from this? Time to behave like I do actually belong in this ward again. David's high-councilman roomate Darryl asked me for the blood drive list. Matt is happily married now and actually in another stake. That's probably why Jared called me to get the list yesterday. BUT let's see... the day I answer a phone call from Jared now is the day hell freezes over. He left a message to call him back. AGAIN, hell would have to freeze over before I EVER call him again. I feel like that was a convenient way for him to contact me. NOOO!!! That would be horrible IF the spirit told me Jared was who I should be with, that would be MUCH WORSE. I have to work ALL DAY AND NIGHT tomorrow. Judy is taking her husband to surgery. A legitimate excuse and actually it gives me a reason not to attend fhe tomorrow. Heidi posted on David's Facebook about joining her family to see Pres. Peck the following week. I guess that would be alright BUT I think I'll make sure David knows the Logan library shows movies each Monday too. Options are good. BUT then again, maybe Pres. Peck will say something I need to hear.