Urban Poly Princess

I am overanalyzing something that doesn't matter. Actually it matters very much to me but I only have control over myself so that's why it doesn't matter. Last night between sleep I had some insight into this whole thing. Steve is doing what he thinks is right and I can't fault him for that just because I want something else.

Right now I am very skeptical of anything the spirit gives me insight in concerning my social life. I really thought I was supposed to be with annoying so I did everything I could to bring that about even in the face of opposition. That was my last experience with ANYONE and it was sooo refreshing to meet someone faithful AND intelligent, attractive and that I could see spending my life with. I do look for that B4 I even consider getting to know them better or really what is the point.

Trying to move on in Logan was difficult. There were righteous men who didn't have much else going for them. NOOO I'm not going to date someone who works at the cheese factory even if they have a solid testimony. He wasn't attractive either. Then someone solid spiritually, attractive AND works part time as a custodian and is fine with that. Finally someone brilliant, spiritual BUT not attractive and in a dead-end job at some call center. NO, NO, NO!!! I finally met Curtis who blew the scale on the fine factor, was intelligent and had a good job. I just met him before I left however. I was never sure of his testimony until after I read his blog and then saw pictures of him attending the temple. Curtis would be amazing BUUUT I moved away AND the Cache Valley thing is something I won't do.

I am grateful I met Steve. It wasn't until I figured out his other qualities that I tried to get to know him better. I kept him at a distance at first. I knew he was attractive and spiritually solid. Once I figured the other stuff out I let myself get to know him better and he is fun too. I never got to really spend time with him however which is probably a good thing since he doesn't want more. I'm not interested in just being his friend. I want more and if he was still in the ward I'd try to get that. I am happy that I won't have to watch him with any other women since he's gone. I hope that he feels he has to avoid me completely by changing wards doesn't kill his social life.

He has friends in the Bountiful ward and he could also attend the Parley ward since he actually lives in the boundaries there. I don't think it was right to ask him to keep attending MP19 anyway. It probably costs a lot for him to travel to and from the church. His calling in FHE just made it worse. He should be able to go home and eat instead of having to take his lunch with him to church.

I really think now after my epiphany last night that he is doing what he thinks is best. I don't think that's easy for him either. I miss him very much but it would just be worse if I got to know him better. I hope he gets everything he wants in life. I am grateful to him for being honest with me although I would've liked that in-person instead of on Facebook.

FHE assembled blessing bags for the homeless. I was hoping to see Steve there but I didn't. That still doesn't tell me anything for sure. He doesn't owe it to me to tell me where he is although he did? Moab with his sister I think? Maybe? I'm not making any assumptions although he could be with someone he is interested in. I haven't seen Yuri. Maybe he likes her. It doesn't make sense that he'd ignore her to spend time with me at that one FHE however which is why I always doubted his interest in her but who knows, things can change.

I do know that Steve is comfortable in his single life and he reminds me a lot of myself. That fact that he is faithful gives me some hope that he will take the steps to get to know me or anyone really that he needs in order to fulfill the measure of his creation. I can't sit around waiting for him to suddenly see the light however and I will give this until 1 Sunday after conference before I start looking elsewhere. As much as I like him I need to fill the measure of my own creation asap. I REALLY don't want to have to leave the singles ward because I age out.

It took forever to post Ila's wedding pictures. I am happy I took them however. I took a nice selection of a variety of people and decor. Today I am feeling like I am either starting a cold or allergies. After Zumba I slept until noon which my body probably needed. I love my life and I love the gospel. He has been checking me out for a long time. Why he'd suddenly avoid me is beyond me although it is hard for me too and I get that. Whoever ends up with Steve is a lucky lady but then whoever ends up with me is just as fortunate.

I am waiting to hear what will go down for uncle Kingi's funeral. Aunty Lini and uncle Tai are attending. They are the only siblings my dad has left now. I miss him so much. What makes me miss my uncle the most are the things that remind me of my father.

It isn't in his voice and it doesn't address what the hell I was concerned about in the first place. It's like someone read my p.s. message and answered it as Steve. I only wrote that Facebook message BECAUSE I went to his work because I didn't want to go to Ila's wedding without . I a date ESPECIALLY after I saw Haini at the sealing and found out he was married a week ago. Steve didn't come to church today which supports the message that said he was going to attend his home ward now. Darren didn't attend church either but he is ALSO gone somewhere for the weekend. I wonder if he'll be at FHE. Conference is the following weekend so I have to wait long for me anyway to tell.

I have pretty much told Steve IN PERSON how I feel about him. That message was BECAUSE I felt bad about going to his work without a heads up and then he wasn't even there. I felt like a stalker and I had to tell him. He may have let someone write that message to me and he may feel the way it said BUUUT I don't think so. It's like they told me he turned 46 to turn me off when that age is very attractive to me. Neither of us look our age although I think I look a little younger.

I'm not going to accept that message. There are too many holes in it. I really hope Steve hasn't left our ward and I really don't think he has but I will deal with reality and any interaction I've had with him has been fabulous. He has been perfect and I'm not letting anyone but him screw this up. If he really is interested in someone else I am fine with that because I want him to be happy even if it isn't with me. I don't like that he disappeared on me but it is also alright.

I must like him more than I thought I did. 45, not divorced, no children, RM, LDS - PERFECT - if he had EVER bothered to ask me how old I was he'd know I'm 44 NOT divorced, no children, RM AND LDS. My guess is he actually turns 46 in October. If he had turned 46 at his last birthday he would've been kicked out of our ward. I turn 45 in September then after a year I also get to attend my family ward. I plan to do that with a husband. YES he checks off all my mental checklist boxes BECAUSE I check them off too. I know I'm complaining because I like him but it's what is going to let me move on faster. I had already resigned myself to ending up with someone significantly younger because that's all I'm attracted to - I guess not. I am attracted to Steve or I never would've tried to get to know him better in the first place.

If he was interested in someone else he never should've flirted with me as much as he did. I sooo don't believe that. He has had his own stalker moments. I'm not blind although sometimes I might pretend not to see what I do. His decision to not attend our ward anymore only proves it to me. It's like he doesn't want to be interested in me although he is - why? Spiritually, mentally, physically I am as strong as him if not stronger. He's been an Elder's Quorum president, yea!!! so what, I've been a RS president at my BYU-Hawaii singles' ward. I'm sure he never had to tell men as president they had to start coming to church or they'd get dismissed from school. The joys of being RS president at a church school ward.

No the spirit has never led me to him. Maybe it led me to annoying as strongly as it did because it knew I would've dismissed him otherwise. The spirit was never against him either like it was Rich either. This was my decision and it took me awhile to come to that decision.

My sister-in-law is 46, a Zumba instructor, has had 9 kids and a size 0. I'm glad she found friends who wear make up and dress up because she looks fabulous. I know having me as a sister-in-Missionaries and representatives of Jesus Christ and his church should look great all the time. There is nothing wrong with looking good. It does not reflect your faith or testimony OR your intelligence for that matter. It has always been my goal to excel at all things and looking good is just part of the complete package.

I probably can't have kids - he would make a great father. I'm still going to try. That is major, I know that.

What we don't share are the things that aren't important. Politics - I don't really know but I'm pretty good at discernment and I think he is an independent with liberal tendencies. He is definitely a tree-hugging bleeding-heart although I don't think he's a Democrat. He did post a beautiful red beamer he test-drove which tells me he doesn't have a problem with nice things. What a Republican characteristic. I am unapologetically Republican and conservative. I actually lived in a third-world country. Would I have shared my political views eventually? Most definitely. Would we have clashed? Probably BUT I wanted the chance to find that out myself.

I definitely don't share his love for the great outdoors and nature. Is that so important to him? Probably.

It doesn't ultimately matter, what does is he doesn't want to get to know me better and I have to respect that.

Finally what I enjoyed about Steve is he is just fun to talk to and be around. I know I'll find someone else soon enough BUUUT for now I'm going to eat some ice-cream and mourn my loss.

He is such a sweety. I however am psychotic and I am pretty sure I just freaked him out because I would be freaked out. Steve is in Moab with he says his sister. He told me he is interested in someone else and will be attending another ward since he just turned 46. Uh huh - he is freaked out and just wants to avoid me because his birthday was in October when we had our Corn Maize FHE. I'm sad he's not interested in me but I am glad to find out now so I don't waste any more time.

EMZ was great as it always is. I looove it still. I've been wearing my compression socks and I really hope it makes a difference. I took my shower and got ready to attend Ila's sealing. I didn't really worry about time feeling like I had all the time in the world. I suddenly noticed I needed to leave at 10:30 am when I should've been at the temple waiting to enter the sealing room.

On the freeway I remembered where my recommend was on my desk in my room. I had absolutely NOOO time left so I decided to just go anyway and try to get in despite my screw-up. I knew if I was late to the sealing I could maybe make it in time for the line that congratulates the newly married couple. As I waited for the recorder to make calls to see if he could let me in I took off my shoes so I could enter if they let me. Meanwhile a couple approached the desk to attend the sealing. We all entered the elevator at the same time to get to the sealing room. We quickly donned socks when a lady told us they had begun and we could wait there to congratulate them when it was done.

So I did that along with the other couple. I'm so glad I made it for that at least. Ila looked fantastic. I'm so proud of him. Tiare looked beautiful too although I think Ila looks better but I'm probably just biased. As I exited the temple I saw Jasmine and her new husband. She kissed me. Yes I was definitely at a Poly function. Emili kissed me hello as did the entire receiving line consisting of the 2 witnesses and the bride and groom. I saw Leola as I was putting on my shoes. I wore these chunky sandals. I think I'll be ready for stilettos next month. As I exited I saw Haini and his new wife who were married a week ago in San Francisco.

I saw West Jordan's office on my way to the temple. I used to work in Herriman and Riverton sometimes as a substitute so I think I know the fastest way to those areas - I-15, 215 belt route, south on Redwood until 90th then Bangeter to to appropriate South. I thought I could run and see Steve and ask him to go to the dance and the reception IN PERSON!!! That is what I wanted. Sooo after the sealing instead of hanging around to take a million pictures like everyone else I went to see Steve. I didn't really think about what I was doing until I was in his elevator on my way to where I assumed his office was. I'm not sure why but the elevator made me think I am a stalker and I shouldn't do this but I felt like I was already there so why stop now.

It's not like I had a spiritual prompting stopping me from making a fool of myself. How else was I ever going to see him in person. One of the ladies in his office told me he hadn't even been in today. Friday, yes that means he is probably having a blast somewhere out-of-town on one of his many outings. Maybe using one of the 5 pairs of hiking pants he owns. I'm actually sure he owns more since those were just the ones he needed to hem.

I cannot believe I did that. Since I spoke to the lady in the admin office who told me where Steve's office was, some guy in that area and then some lady who asked me if I needed help I had to tell him and asap. I am a chicken because at that point I should've looked up his number in our ward directory and called him to confess BUUUT instead I Facebooked him. EXACTLY what I want to avoid doing ever. Steve has game and meanwhile I am sucking at developing our friendship.

Yesterday I called the lady I interviewed with at the City Library to see what was going on with that Librarian Assistant position. She said she'd email me a copy and that there were still openings. WITHIN the hour I got an email from their human resources saying they would not be interviewing me AFTER just being told there were openings.

I feel like I can't get a damn job to save my life. The County meanwhile emails me stating I need to complete my application. I call them frustrated. I didn't check some box that'll make my application complete and submitted as of today. I want to scream. I want to work for the County, I loved being a substitute librarian with the County. The City library is extremely liberal which gets on my nerves. I refuse to be a flower child. I want ALL the toys AND I'm going to make the money to get them!!! I don't know why this has proven to be so hard. I always thought once I finished school the worry would be which job to take instead of what the hell am I going to do if I STILL don't find a job.

I looove EMZ. I have felt so good physically because I didn't hang on any routines. HOWEVER-Yesterday I was sore EVERYWHERE and while I looove the temple I felt EVERY muscle anytime I'd try to move. I felt exhausted at the beginning of my shift NOOOT a good place to be. BUUUT I went through that and I was able to pass off my initiatory meaning she'll work me into the rotation next week!!! Initiatories are my favorite ordinances to perform. I am reminded constantly of how amazing those blessings are and of the fact that I am one of very few women who get to perform this ordinance in the House of God.

Besides being sore the whole day and spending it in pain in the temple with every step I took, earlier yesterday I posted pictures I took at the Aquarium. One of the pictures I posted is the one I took with Steve. We look great together in my completely biased opinion and my caption was that it was the best-looking creature I saw at the Aquarium. I was curious to see how Steve would handle it. His reply was genius. He said Yes Puanani you were the best-looking creature at the Aquarium - I was in the picture with him too so he could say that. I looove his swagger and I REALLY didn't expect it from him.

The guys I've known in the past with the player skills didn't have accompanying testimonies. I love that it is Steve's strength. I don't wonder about his commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ. The boy has serious skills.

I never thought he'd have those OG player skills. I know he has a bunch of women into him. Maybe that's why he has so many fans. My one friend Amy is the ONLY person from my ward who liked the picture. Steve has only 1 person who is his friend who liked. EVERYONE else, and there are I think 26 of those, are my friends. Wow! I never thought it would be that bad. Not that I really care. He is everything I want and that has nothing to do with how he looks although if he was ugly there would be no way in hell I'd want any of that so maybe that is part of the equation. Whatever... that was a VEEERY good move that let me see a part of him I didn't expect. I like this Steve very much.

I also posted a picture of a plastic coconut tree and wrote how it made me think of growing up in Hawaii and how I would go fishing every morning and also gather coconuts for breakfast. It is an annoying stereotype I wanted to exploit. SERIOUSLY, who the hell believes that? Don't they watch Hawaii 5 0??? I do feel a little bad because one of my friends from Taiwan sincerely wrote how it sounded great.

We have a family history night downtown or a few blocks from me. I have Plaza parking I can use if I want to do that. I attended the last one with Justin Howell, Emily Dibble, Bradley Coltrin, Wendy Gunnerson and myself. It is so close so I feel guilty not attending. Steve didn't come last time so he probably won't come tonight either. It is pretty far for him to travel. If he does show up I'll see if he's free for any of the wedding BUUUT I am going because I should be supportive whoever turns up even if it's the same people who came last time.

I don't know why I didn't think Steve might have a date to the Aquarium. He was with Katie and Bryce when I first saw him in the Shark tunnel so I thought he was on a group outing since he does that all the time. I even had him come over and take a picture with me and I was thinking great now I have a chance to talk to him about the weekend but then he left as soon as he could do that and not be rude since his friends INCLUDING his date left him there. If I was his date I would've left him there too. Later we saw him alone with Katie and I realized they were on a date. Katie is really sweet and I wouldn't have called him over if I knew he was on a date. Poor Steve, I put him in a bad position. That was not intentional. Sooo a week ago he had some sort of cooking date with Yuri and then the date with Katie last night so no one exclusive. That is good.

I need to talk to him in person. I'm not going to look up his telephone number or Facebook him. If some guy asked me out that way it DEFINITELY wouldn't work at least not initially. When you are dating someone that's alright but NOT if you never have done anything with them. I really wanted him to come with me to help me dodge all those people I'll have to deal with this weekend. So much for that bright idea. I could just get anyone but I'm not going to waste my time with anyone I'm not interested in. I thought of messaging him if he could do lunch with me at Panda's in WJ since he seems to like their food. BUUUT yeah NO JOB AND NO MONEY means I need to conserve that gas just to attend all of Ila's things.

Tongan weddings are huge and awesome BUUUT also annoying as hell. The sealing is Friday at 11am. I have to attend, smile a lot, take pictures and kiss a billion people I haven't seen in awhile as well as talk about what I'm doing. I don't have a damn job so that's going to be a blast. Usually it's just telling people NOOO I'm not seeing anyone and NOOO I don't want to meet your cousin, nephew, brother, uncle who is usually divorced or has children BECAUSE YES I want to support their stupid broke ass.

They also are usually not strong in church. I'm such a fabulous solution for them. ORRR it's the lecture from hell that everyone thinks they need to lay on you that consists of how I'm too picky and that there are spirits wanting to come down from heaven that I'm preventing by remaining single. ALSO I MUST have committed a multitude of sins since I don't have my own family. Sooo I am excited for Ila but sooo not looking forward to this hell-on-earth that'll accompany his celebration for me.

I'm grateful for EMZ. I'm also grateful for my temple shift I get to serve tonight from 3 until it closes. I can't believe how hard I tried to ask Steve out. EVERYTHING I tried failed so maybe it's just not meant to be. I don't like that he dates a lot of women. I know he's supposed to do that but he just seems very comfortable in his single life. I hope he asked Katie AND Yuri out because if he thinks I'm going to normally he is sadly mistaken. I really can't believe after all the flirting I've done with him he hasn't done a damn thing. I need to stick with my original plan and eliminate him if nothing happens by the end of April.

I have my initiatory down cold thanks to practicing whenever I'm driving in the car by myself. I want to do it tonight. I don't want to have to change my shift but I will if I have to do that.

I love starting my mornings with EMZ. What I really love is I kept thinking I'd be hanging in class since I didn't go for over a month BUUUT it appears my cardio could handle that break without incident. This week I'm just limiting my workouts to that but I want to incorporate an evening Zumba session and weights. I have my adjustable dumbbells so I need to get on that. I tried to begin eating well but that is difficult when I am not buying what I want to eat.

My mother has her limited basic cable now. I think I'm just going to get the internet and netflix. I was paying her my portion - digital tv and the net but I warned her my unemployment was ending Tuesday so she cut it off. I don't know why I was stressing about the temple. I can work Saturday morning if I have to do that. I've done it before.

While there was no good time for me to talk to Steve I want to see if he'll go with me to that Tongan wedding this weekend. These are real dates to me. People take their friends to these things a lot of times and are all concerned about them getting the wrong idea. I AM INTERESTED IN HIM AND I DO LIKE HIM. If he doesn't feel the same way that's fine but I don't want him to just go with me to help me out because he is nice like that and he would do something like that. In that case I don't want any time with him and it is better if he doesn't go WHICH IS WHY I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM LAST NIGHT BUT THE OPPORTUNITY DIDN'T PRESENT ITSELF.

GRRR... I hope I get a chance to do that tonight at the Aquarium. Brasilia doesn't can't be there until 7pm but that doesn't mean I can't go first at 6pm and hopefully find and talk to Steve. We're not anything more than friends but only because how the hell can we be more if we don't spend time together first and find out if we even want more. Now I do but who knows. HOWEVER I'm NOOOT interested in hanging out as friends just meant to be friends. I am a friend who wants more.

I want to know about his social life and if he dates as much as I think he does. I'm not interested in spending time with him at all these group activities ALTHOUGH right now that is good too. I want to find out if we can be more soon so I can move on if it isn't going to happen.

More like Mike provided steps and solutions to people with most machines. The Macs were excluded. Sinia took me to lunch today and while she brought me back in time she stayed and talked with my mother for much longer so I was waaay too late. Since Steve has a Mac even older than mine I should've chatted with him then buuut AGAIN too many people nearby.

Steve looks great in blue. While I wanted to talk to him there were too many people around ALL the time and while I waited for awhile there were still Mike, Bradley, Katie and the other Mike who seems to have latched onto Steve. I'm happy he is friendly to him although sometimes I wish he wasn't there all the time. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

It is just too easy for me to do nothing but then that is just wasting my time. I was going to go out and get my temp job today but then it isn't going to work if I get a job that doesn't finish at 2ish so I can start my shift at the temple Wednesday nights. I'm going to call the City Library tomorrow. They never contacted me again about the library assistant position and I have never needed a job as badly as I do now. I just don't get the way my life keeps working. When I worked at the Logan temple they took over a year to contact me. In the meantime I went to take the realtor classes so I could get my license. Eight months later I did and the temple called me to begin working then.

I'm back in Zumba now but I can't just hit up Costco and get my avocados, berries, coconut oil and almonds each week because this is the end of my unemployment. My television goes off tomorrow as does my internet meaning any job-hunting will have to return to the library. I just feel horrible and I'm not sure what to do. My mother told me I need to have faith and that my father in heaven will bless me for doing this. I just may have to change my shift.

I have to go to court and finalize my bankruptcy I'm changing from a 13 to a 7 from almost 3 years ago now. I wonder if this starts the clock again and if my credit is shot for another 7 years now. If I could do anything different I would. Domoina my RS president called me to check on my no-job status.

I suppose it isn't that huge a deal if I have to change the night I do this. If I get a library job it will be easy to work around that since the library is typically open from 10-9pm and then workers ofter get there anywhere from 8am or later as needed. I really want that assistant manager job. There is also a cataloging position there that would drive me crazy. It pays the same as the assistant manager job. I haaate cataloging. It is tedious mindless work to me. The reason why I love being a librarian is because I interact with so many different people with so many different walks of life.

Brasilia is going to come with me to the aquarium. She can't go at 6 however so it'll be more like 7pm.

It was so nice to be back at EMZ. Waking up isn't a problem. Funny, it used to be so hard for me to get up in the morning. Time to shower then apply at a temp agency and I need to substitute teach somewhere too. I'm not too fond of teaching but it will allow me to continue my temple shift I barely began. If I get that library management job it'll be perfect too. I can always work early that day and the rest of the days to make it up.

I hope Mike can get my laptop into tiptop shape tonight.

I am looking forward to seeing Steve's beautiful self. I need to talk to him tonight. I don't flirt for my health, ok sometimes I do because it is just fun to do that BUUUT I'm not doing that with him. I need to explore other options if there's nothing there. He makes it too easy for us to go NOWHERE. It is easy for me to do that and it's even more easy for him to do that. He just got 5 pairs of hiking pants altered. How much hiking does someone do if they have 5 pairs of hiking pants.

Brasilia will let me know today if she can visit the Aquarium tomorrow. I am excited to go.

Time to get this day started.

The first thing I did this morning was make cornbread to take to Brent's house. It was done by the time I was finished packing everything into bags to take to church for our RS Dinner celebration.

I took all the stuff along with my trays and water fountain, decorations to our kitchen at 11:20ish. The other ward was there so the parking lot was packed and people parked illegally everywhere. I joined them to take the stuff to the kitchen. It took me 3 trips, then I parked in Siberia. I can't believe it's only 9pm. It feels later.

Steve looked great like he always does. It was just too busy for me to even talk to him much if at all. I wonder if women ask him out all the time. He brought and ate his dinner at the church. There was an interfaith concert there tonight. The sweet girl I home teach Brasilia invited me to attend with her. If I hadn't committed to taking cornbread to Brent's I would've done that. However he was probably going with Yuri who ate at our RS Birthday thing today although she's not in my RS. I love the green she was wearing today. That is my favorite green. Chartreuse or sort of a lime color. I look good in bright colors which is why I'm attracted to them.

I'm going to ask Steve about his social life. I've seen this guy Scott in some of his pictures. He was at Brent's house tonight. Apparently he has been to Oahu MANY times with his dad who works for Delta. He has visited Oahu so many times he doesn't want to go there again for a looong time. He is nice enough. I've seen in some of Brent and Carlos' pictures.

Scott said something about an ABC store on every block in Waikiki. I told him Steve Glain has an ABC T-shirt and he said NOTHING and actually changed the subject. REALLY???!!! I was trying to get Steve 411 through his friend but I gave that up real quick when he did. That was stupid of me. Like some guy really wants to take about his friend to another girl.

I hope Mike can work his magic on my laptop. My brother will just tell me my laptop is too old and I need a new one. YES that is true, it is also true I don't have a job. I'm not sure why I'm irritable NOW. My home teacher was talking about trying different library connections. I HAVE FREAKING LIBRARY CONNECTIONS BUT I GUESS THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

I'm returning to my Zumba class tomorrow. It better go well. My goals for tomorrow are first Zumba, 2nd apply at a temporary agency, 3rd FHE AND talk to Steve about his social life. Today I felt like a lot of girls ask him out regularly so he never has to ask anyone out ever. That doesn't work for me ALTHOUGH I still need a date this weekend and he is who I want to go with. I need to feel him out completely tomorrow or at least enough to know if he's dating anyone and what he's doing exactly socially.

Ward Conference
President Clayton in Sunday School
No growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone
President Grant
Forgive the unforgivable
Love the unloveable
Fix relationships that have been wounded
Bishop
Hope is not just a way to endure
President Grant
Deepen Understanding of deity
Focus on ordinances and covenants
Unite gospel with church

It was significant to me when president Grant spoke on forgiving the unforgivable, loving the unloveable and fixing relationships that have been wounded. EVERYTHING really hit me hard and I know I need to fix my annoying relationship. I need to acknowledge his existence and NOT act like he has. It doesn't matter how he reacts or acts as far as my spiritual state is concerned BUT it does matter that I have animosity. I need to be able to say hello to him when and if I encounter him without wanting to punish him for how he treated me. I have to be sincere. I need more time to consider and pray about this. Having my attitude is not conducive to the spirit and I am only allowing him to hurt my spiritual state. The thing is that it is me that has brought this about.

We don't have to hang out but I can't ever let what happened at the Bevan's house happen again. I shouldn't have to be the one to EVER reach out to him BUT I need to do that. If he doesn't respond to me that is fine but I have to do that regardless.

they were zealous for keeping the commandments of God.

Would that we all were. I've been doing my big pile of laundry after which I need to shop for the RS birthday celebration we're having tomorrow. Valerie wants us to meet at noon to prepare food. I seriously think they made this thing way too complicated. If we did chicken salad sandwiches with rolls it would've been much easier, tastier and not so much of a hassle. I wish I was there to tell them that but I couldn't be at the meeting because of choir.

I'll get everything on the list but we still need ice for the water I'm assuming they're serving with lemon slices. I don't know exactly what they're doing. I think I should shoot Valerie a text. We are singing next week and it is our ward conference so I don't want to miss choir then either.

It was fun to meet with everyone in Logan this morning. I can definitely do the drive a lot easier now. The first few times drained me completely. Our meeting went well and I went to Macey's and got some Aggie ice-cream, girl scout cookies and Cadbury mini eggs. I had some Burger King coupons so I bought 2 Whopper JR's and 2 fries for 3.99. I ate that on the drive to Logan and practiced my initiatory ceremony. In the car on a long drive is ideal for that, private and conducive to that plus driving.

I got home at 6pm exhausted. I heated up some of the kalua pork I have that I seasoned with shoyu and syrup. I bought buns at the store too so I made 2 and ate them as I turned the television and then my computer on. Steve posted an invite to everyone at Tucci's before they went to clean the temple. I saw it 20 mins. before 7pm when they were meeting. I considered going anyway but I'd probably get sick if I ate anything else and I'm not in the mood for any type of food right now even looking at it doesn't sound attractive to me. He is so sweet. If I didn't eat ALL day I would have gone plus I was feeling a little dead after that long drive. I feel better now but they are all cleaning the temple right now.

I still think he is all about the group date BUUUT I'm not going to keep letting him get away with that. All the flirting I've been doing and he STILL hasn't asked me out. If I got the vibe he wasn't interested that would be one thing but he's not giving me that at all.

Ila's wedding is next weekend. Tongan weddings are more than just one event. Friday is his sealing in the afternoon at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple in South Jordan. He has a dance that evening and the reception is the next evening. I need a date. I am sick of people harassing me about when I'm getting married or why I'm so picky. I don't want to see all the people from my old stake and my old Tongan YSA ward. I want a Steve buffer and I want to take him to these things as my date because if I have to spend time with someone I want it to be him BUUUT I don't want to ask him out first. I wonder how he'd handle an LDS Tongan wedding. Ila is marrying the youngest sibling of the Jets so the entertainment should be fabulous at the reception Saturday night. I was Ila's mentor when he was 9 years old. I can't miss his wedding even if I have to go alone I have to go and take a billion pictures, paste a smile on my face when I see and talk to everyone I know who will have the same old questions. I don't even have a job yet.

I am not looking forward to this at all although I am so happy for Ila and I need to share this day with him. He is like a son to me. Whether I get a date or not is irrelevant. I am going to go and take the ridiculous amount of pictures his wedding deserves from me AND paste that smile on my face despite the people I encounter many of whom I love, I need to remember that most people are sensitive and appropriate. It is just the few who aren't who tick me off.

I used my Church Plaza Parking for the first time tonight. Veeery cool I don't even have to go through the main entrance. There is another single man at a recommend desk at the end of the hallway near the parking lot door. It was good to learn that. I needed a drink so I just went to the cafeteria and filled a glass with ice and water than hit up the chapel where we met with our bishopric minus our bishop who is sick.

The thought of walking up those stairs was not good so I took the elevator during our session. I love the Salt Lake temple and I enjoy my princess parking now too. I was able to get a parking place on the second floor since I got there around 5:30ish. I have to say the hallway is forever ALTHOUGH not having to cross the street or walk outside is veeery nice.

Steve didn't come tonight which is unlike him so I am certain he had something else he needed to support because he is fantastic about supporting our ward functions. It is one of my favorite things about him. I messaged him that I missed seeing him there but that I was certain there was a good reason why he missed because he is good at supporting stuff. He just messaged me he had a work meeting or he would've been there.

3 of his fans were there. Yuri, Annette and Heidi - Maybe Yuri and Annette would've been there anyway. Annette supports things well although she is definitely a Steve fan. Yuri I haven't really noticed until lately but she could've been there all along. Heidi is there sporadically. She probably works. Normal people work. I am the aberration right now. I am sick of how looong this has been going on. There is an assistant manager job at the West Jordan Library. Susan Spicer is the Manager and I know her from when I worked with her as a sub. I hope she likes me. She is very liberal and she isn't LDS. In Utah you tend to know the people who aren't LDS because it is the exception rather than the rule. I would love that job but who knows if I'll even get an interview. The pay is around 46,000 BUUUT the County gives frequent raises and it'll prime me for a manager position which is ultimately what I want.

Steve works for West Jordan City. If I get that job I will do lunch with him!!! I would take an assistant manager job ANYWHERE in the County however. This just came up.

It is interesting to note the differences. Preparation meetings are gender specific although the women meet with the men once a month. The temple still feels like a maze BUT it is filled with such history and beautiful architectural features from long ago. The sisters I work with are sweet and kind. The first difference I noticed was a half hour break. Saturday mornings at the Logan temple were extremely busy and did not allow for breaks at all. The cafeteria is open however. Own endowments are done in the same place regular initiatories are held and the dressing room has a section for them to prepare instead of a separate area like Logan.

The old sealing room is incredible. It is a beautiful wing of an older home decorated with amazing antique office furniture. The lady giving me the tour told me Jesus the Christ was written there. I love the history of the temple and I love even more that I can work there. Such a blessing. I was a little worried about my initiatory retention but yesterday she had me follow along on a card with the newer sister workers. Something suddenly clicked and I feel like I could do them right now although I'm going to review it in my head several times before next week. I think if I do initiatories a couple times myself before next week I can handle it.

The most compelling thing that happened on our tour was when the lady conducting it told me a door led to the temple president's home. Wow! I asked if he had a television in his home. That is just such a trip. As I sit here thinking about it however I think it sounds like a myth. The hallway leading to the parking lot is looong. Soon I'll have the building down in my head. I get a parking place too which makes me happy. I worked 2 veils yesterday and I feel like I can work initiatories next week. However, whatever I will ensure I'm ready to go. I want to be ready to serve as needed with minimal training time.

6 And it came to pass that Ammon, being filled with theSpirit of God, therefore he perceived the thoughts of the king.

I love this! True and it's like having a secret power.

It is not ward temple night tonight. It is tomorrow. When I started tripping last night it was after midnight. 

It's almost time for my temple shift. I'm so excited!!! I am fine doing everything although I'd like to review initiatories before performing them. What I like about temple work is that it is the only time and place women can use the priesthood power to perform ordinances. Feeling that when this is done is incredible and there is not much sweeter than to be used as an instrument in this way. I am grateful for so much. 

Women couldn't serve missions for so long. For most of time anyway. I was able to do that and I loved it. When I saw how Cindy reacted to those boys from Parley's ward I was grateful for my mission experience that taught me to build on common beliefs and to condemn ill behavior without condemning the person. I don't think she condemned them, I just think she didn't know how to react. I was able to retain their friendship without condoning what wasn't uplifting at the same time. 

My mission AND the temple are experiences that are just like signing up for blessings.

The reason why I chose to work Wednesdays is because we usually have this on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I kept thinking it was Thursday but it isn't. Maybe I can sneak away for the chapel meeting at 6pm. I just noticed we have ward temple night tomorrow on Facebook. I can't believe this!!! GRRR!!!

The Mid Singles movie viewing that I attended consisted mostly of families. I thought I'd see a bunch of single people there but NOOO. The movie story it covered was inspirational but did not offer much to me in entertainment value. They held a Q & A after which was good when we got to hear from one of the Elders featured in the film. He had such grace, humility and the spirit BUT he was the only one. I usually don't like to risk wasting my time BUT Steve put he was attending on Facebook ALTHOUGH he didn't which is always a possibility, BUT where were the other single people who ALL were supposed to be there too? Developing a movie is tricky especially when based on a true story. Like good books there needs to be character development. We need to care about the people in the film and that doesn't happen unless we are able to get a sense of them, what motivates them, what they fear and their faith. Faith was central to the story but a sense of how significant that was could not be felt the way it needed to be conveyed.

I couldn't put down The Da Vinci Code because the plot was so gripping BUUUT there was no character development and I didn't care about any of them. People are always the most interesting. The movie was horrible because it didn't pay attention to this. I should have watched Cinderella. That is such a huge chick flick. I don't care and I am a princess . I am the daughter of a heavenly king! I think I'll go sometime this week. It is difficult to present spiritual stories in film. The church does a fabulous job for the most part.

Tomorrow is my first day or rather evening working at the Salt Lake Temple. I'm so excited to return to this and to become familiar with the building.

It is sooo hot. I can't stand it. I had to get out of the house. I need to get some black shoes somewhere along with hand soap and contact solution. Also gas - I'm going to check out this free LDS movie tonight. I am at the City Library where I just printed my ticket although I just noticed a mobile option I could have used without having to travel here. It is one of those huge Mid singles activities they always have. There are so many singles activities available here in Utah. I know it is a blessing for me to live here where I'm sure they have the most.

Although Steve was very cute last night I've been thinking and I'm pretty sure Yuri helped him bake what he did. I don't own round layer pans. Neither does my mother. I know she makes very pretty desserts because I've seen some of them on Facebook. How does someone have 4 round layer pans if they don't bake very much? OR he borrowed them from her. It is just a little suspect, BUT he did make a valiant effort putting it together and I had fun watching him do it.

She is nice inasmuch as I know her. He's probably a good friend of hers BUT there it is again, Steve and his many friends. She is who he spoke to when I left for no good reason at FHE and then she just started attending choir practice out of nowhere. There is friendly and then there's FRIENDLY. I know he has a lot of fans but I have enough friends. I enjoy his company but we'll see if he ever asks me out or if he just wants to add me to his harem.

Polygamy hasn't returned yet. I have no intention of helping him prepare for that time. I'm so grateful for the gospel and the spirit of discernment. I like him and I hope he asks me out soon as by the end of next month because I've made it very clear I'm interested in him and if he doesn't do anything I will move on.

Tonight we had a St. Patrick's Potluck. I took pizza and popcorn because I didn't feel like cooking and I was running out of time. I bought a pizza from Little Ceasars and a green tray and bowl from the dollar store. I stuck popcorn in the bowl. Steve was ambitious and baked a 4-layer cake. He came early too so he caught me in the kitchen cutting my pizza and emptying my popcorn bag. Say what you will, my tray was empty at the end of the night. People in general enjoy pizza. I cut each slice in half to spread it out.

Steve has never done this before in his life so it was fun watching him assemble his cake. He looked like he was laying tile. He slapped on the frosting between the layers so although he had 3 containers of frosting he ended up using EVERYTHING. It was fun to watch him. These guys from Parley's ward sat down by me so I talked to them. Cindy sat with me first. I had fun having her on my team and then I also enjoyed talking to her at our pi party.

The guys were Cameron and Brent and they reminded me of high school. They were very friendly, just a little worldly and they kept making comments filled with sexual innuendo. Definitely NOT what I'm all about BUT they didn't know anyone and they sat by me. I'm certainly not going to make them feel horrible. I kept trying to include Cindy in the conversation but she remained quiet for the most part until she ended up leaving to another table. It's hard to strike that balance of being kind when people don't share the same standards. It was very strange to confront that at a church activity.

Brent was sweet but flirty. Cameron was completely inappropriate. I had to keep reeling both of them in. After Cameron told me about all these awful movies he loves that I haven't seen and don't plan on ever seeing somehow we got into the who's hotter game with celebrities. This was a lot of fun for some weird reason. They'd pick 2 celebrity guys and I'd have to pick who was hotter. I did the same thing with women. It reminded me of meeting nonmembers and hanging out with them. I enjoyed it but it's not something I would do with anyone and it's not what I'd choose to do but it was one way of having fun together without the garbage. ALTHOUGH the entire activity could probably be seen as trash anyway.

I think I'm a lot like Steve this way. I can relate to people from ALL walks of life. ALTHOUGH I would not hang out with everyone. I thanked them for coming and invited them to come back BUUUT I don't see myself

I'm glad I got to see Steve assemble his cake. He was so cute. He won a prize for having one of the greenest dishes. He asked me if I wanted his Samoas he received for a prize since he already bought some earlier. That earned him 5 stars. OF COURSE I am more than willing to take any unwanted girl scout cookies ANY TIME from anyone ESPECIALLY from Steve!!! That was very sweet of him. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. How often does that happen? I'll still take it AND I did. I ate a row and I stuck the rest in the fridge.

This is the last week I get my unemployment check. It's hard to believe I collected EVERYTHING. The first time I've ever got unemployment and I take EVERYTHING available to me AS LONG as it was available to me. I'm not worried about it and it freaks me out a little that I am so strangely calm about the whole thing. I told Julie how I felt and she said not to worry about it. Other people have told me the same thing. Overall however I am calm and weirded out that I am so calm. My leg is sooo much better although I planned to wear stilettos yesterday and then my leg reminded me that it isn't ready yet. It is however time to return to Zumba although I'm staying out this week too.

Carlos came to dinner at Brent's house last night. He is awesome. I am so glad he is in to real estate. He encouraged me a lot at our pi party and gave me a lot of great hints. He lives in Draper which is why he doesn't attend a lot of activities. It is just too far for him to have to keep traveling. It is something that bothered me about Steve since he attends our ward but he doesn't live in the boundaries. I asked him about that yesterday and he told me they asked him to stay in the ward when he moved because they needed the male population in the ward. Interesting and sad.

It really is a man's world if you are LDS and single. He made an interesting comment. I was joking when I said it was simply a reflection of the Celestial kingdom. He said he wondered about the balance eternally. Polygamy makes it only follow that men will have several wives in the afterlife. ALTHOUGH my friend Lei is with her 2nd husband who raised 3 of the kids she had with her 1st plus had 2 more with her. He's served as a bishop and has been with her the longest of course now. I know her first husband and I was in his ward when he was single.

She has said she has faith God will work it all out. Of course he will. Having to share my husband doesn't sit well with me at all. I am not worried however. Even in polygamy there is a stratified system with the first wife enjoying her queen-bee status. I don't think Heavenly Father wants any of his daughters to feel inferior in any way. How does a 2nd wife feel? I'd rather be a serving angel. I have faith that however it comes to pass it will be something I will find my greatest joy through. However that comes to pass remains to be seen but I know I will be fine and even elated with the outcome.

I am good with Steve. I am happy I talked to him yesterday. I know I'll have many opportunities to get to know him better even if I never wanted to do that. He is always at sealings, sessions and FHE. This is part of why I was so wary. I have constant evidence of his worthiness. While that is the most important thing to me, other things are also important to me.

I love that Steve is friendly to everyone but it also concerns me a little. He needs to ask me out eventually as in SOON!!! I am not going to waste time on someone who has no intention of progressing in his life. People can accuse me of the same thing however so I have to be a little lenient here.

Sister Bevan posted a pi picture party with the table filled with pies. Annoying is also in the picture. I don't wish him any ill will but I don't want to be his friend either. I know this is his old ward and I want him to feel comfortable attending whatever he wants. What I don't like is the feeling he told people he had to avoid me and so they and other people intentionally didn't invite me to things. I know Mike had a superbowl party he didn't invite me to although he has invited me to other things. He did invite annoying. I also didn't like when I saw him all over the place in Logan and he took pains to deliberately avoid running into me. Ex-boyfriends haven't disrespected me like that.

Steve told me most of his friends went to the Bountiful ward with the split. I don't think he's annoying's Facebook friend but I've never checked. I think I need to do that. Just checked and he's not which is fantastic. :)

I made my cumin rice thing that anyone who eats it loves for Brent's potluck. I decided to talk to Steve in Sunday school but he didn't show up which ticked me off so I went to sacrament after where I saw him BUUUT he was talking to a girl so NOOO I'm not going to ask you to sit with me!!! Today is the day I decide whether I'm going to keep getting to know him or eliminate him so I talked to him after church in front of all of his damn fans who were circling like sharks.

I had to do that for myself today. I apologized for sending him mixed signals and I told him I missed him in Sunday School then I asked him right out if he was avoiding me. He said he wasn't and that he attends Sunday School all over the place. Yeah right. I don't think so. He told me not to take it personally. Whatever, he is a good person and I enjoy his company and I like that I'm getting to know him better. Sooo no elimination for Steve.

Last night I was still applying for my 4th job of the week so I can collect my last unemployment check so I got to the pi party late. Yesterday I didn't have pie in the house so I ate pop-tarts for breakfast, since they are sort of pie, then went to Smith's. I bought a peach pie and cherry pie from the bakery and 3 assorted mini banquet pot pies for .89 each, I also got 2 boxes of hot pockets and ate a bunch of that throughout the day. When I got to the pi party most people had eaten by then so no one touched what I brought. I fit most of the peach and cherry pie in a tray. When I left I put pieces from the pies that were there and exchanged them with some of my peach and cherry slices so now I have an assortment.

It was bound to happen sooner or later, I saw annoying there. Sooo weird after all this time. I'm surprised I haven't come across him sooner. It was strange and I felt like I should say something but nothing seems appropriate and I'm not interested in being his friend or in having any type of relationship with him at all. Annoying is the single instance I can say without a doubt the spirit failed me. I kept trusting that and walking in the dark but the light never came and all it kept doing was make me feel like crap and act psychotic. I know on an intellectual level that can't be true but it is what I feel. After all this time I don't see how I gained ANYTHING from him and it would've been better if we never met. My life was not enriched in any way. I was veeery happy I didn't get a spiritual nudge there last night because if the spirit was a person and tried that with me last night I would've given it a slap. Not really I will ALWAYS do what the spirit leads me to do but I had more than enough in and around annoying that resulted in not a damn thing.

The spirit is not leading me to Steve at all BUT it isn't leading me away either. I was so angry when we were doing our ward sealings and I was his partner for several marriages and felt nothing. Steve is one of the best men I've ever met. He isn't as tall as I want but his spirit is a giant. He is attractive to me although he dresses a little stuffy sometimes. He looks really good in brown because his eyes are blue. He could be a politician or newscaster with his look. I just want to see him a little edgier. He did look exactly how I wanted him to look that one Sunday. I thought he went to Katie's party last night but some Terra girl posted pictures of some Russian pianist and tagged him along with some other women. I really don't know but my sense is Steve is all about the group date but doesn't go out enough on single dates to really get to know anyone the way he needs to do that. Today I'm either getting to know him better or eliminating him as a possibility.

I've never been to a pi party before so I'm excited for this one although last night Katie told me she is throwing a party as well so there will be competing pi parties. I was happy to attend my first May the 4th party last year. I hope enough people show up. Competing parties with both women from the same ward is going to at least split the attendance. Darcy invited me first and I accepted so that is the one I'll be attending. AND Katie didn't invite me to her party anyway but I don't think there's anything wrong with that because I don't know either of them very well.

I'm excited because I've never had friends before who would even want to throw a pi party. Very nerdy but so nerdy it's cool and I like that kind of nerdiness/goofiness. It's the same thing with the May the Fourth Party. I never had friends into that either, who glory in their nerdiness. Since I had no choice but to attend a family ward or the Midsingles ward when I moved to Logan I learned to expand my circle of friends. It is hard sometimes for me but then it's not that hard anyway.

I've always known Steve has lots of female fans. I don't like that at all but then what did I expect. I also like that he gets along with everyone. I'm pretty sure that was part of my knee-jerk reaction when I left the Joseph Smith Memorial Building because he started talking to this girl in my ward too AND I HATE BEING JUST ONE OF MANY IN A DAMN HAREM. NOT HAPPENING!!! Of course I want him to be friendly and it is stupid to react that way. He's probably been friends with many women in the ward a long time and it's not like I want him to ignore people he knows.

HOWEVER I like him enough to know I want to get to know him better as in date him and NOT in a group and I've seen lots of evidence of his group dating all over the place. I didn't want to like him but I do and I am committed to getting to know him better if he lets me. I hope he's not avoiding me. I wish I'd see him tonight but if he attends a party it'll probably be Katie's since he works with her in FHE. Of course he could have another date tonight too. I just hope he's in church Sunday. I know I sent him mixed signals by leaving Monday but while it isn't hard for me, I haaate initiating stuff ESPECIALLY with men. I know I need to get a grip. I think I have a handle on the princess diva attitude but sometimes it rears its ugly head with all of its ridiculousness.

What to eat now. I intend to eat pie the entire day!!!

Our team won movie tickets from Megaplex Theater. We played these goofy games and were split into teams of five members each. Amy, Cindy, Lalo and Dave Staheli were on my team. Dave is really good-looking. He reminds me of my past a lot. He is tall and skinny and fine-ALSO very intelligent. He is a librarian who used to work for the church as a records analyst. Now he works at BYU as a librarian. I was hoping to see Steve there tonight but he didn't show. It is Friday, he probably had a date which is actually a good thing although I'd rather it were me on the date.

I need to try with him as soon as I get a chance again. I either date him or eliminate him as a possibility. He does a lot of group outings but I know him well enough to date him and JUST him or not at all. I'm not going to get to know him in lots of large group settings and or activities. I think that's a pattern people fall into a lot. That isn't something I want to do. I want to get married and lots of group activities don't really facilitate that to me.

No appointments today for a change. Yesterday when I visited Jon's broker he reminded me it takes 2500 just to begin in real estate. Carlos' broker wasn't there when Carlos made the appointment with me but then he just made that with me without talking to her I think anyway it is what he set up at church. It was rescheduled however since I realized my registration was expired and I had to run all over the place to get my safety check done.

I have one more week of unemployment. Sooo weird that I'm not freaking out like I think I actually should. Next week I'm going to find some temp job since I am definitely going to need money coming in. I am going to save for real estate fees and then see what I can do. There's a 30-hour county children's position. I looove my nieces and nephews so much but I don't want to work with kids in general although I have experience with the Christmas Box House and then as a mentor. I know once you work in Children's you can't transfer to a regular adult librarian position.

Yesterday I saw my librarian friend Natalie at Whitmore as well as the manager there. He said hello and we exchanged pleasantries but I can't remember his name. It was weird to see my old coworkers there. They asked me if I was going to sub again. I didn't want to say Uh I tried... - I don't know why it is so hard for me to get a job right now. I don't think I'm being overly picky. Time to apply for my last 4 jobs so I can collect my last unemployment check.

Meeting with President Samuelson was sweet. When he set me apart I felt his power and priesthood authority. That's never happened to me before. I kept thinking when I was there how he really looked familiar so I looked him up and he is an emeritus GA and he was president of BYU. Funny, it's been so long since I've worried about or even though about the BYU president. I think of my own and the BYU Hawaii presidents always because he was always in my stake growing up.

I am in Midvale now. I tried to find the address for Jon's broker Century 21 or the Everest Group and I was running late. Combine that with NOOOT having the internet work on my phone and thank goodness I used to be a substitute librarian since I know where ALL the libraries are in the county. I was happy to see it is open. This computer however is archaic. I suppose it still works and serves its purpose.

I took down the addresses and phone numbers of all the places I am trying to get to and I will go ahead and contact them now. Knowing where the libraries are is awesome. I know where to go to get online if my phone is ever acting crazy like it is now. IT IS a virgin mobile phone but I like paying $35 a month a lot better than the over $100 I paid with Verizon ALTHOUGH Verizon service is the best its customer service sucks.

I went early to West Valley to Meang's Automotive since they quoted me an $80 charge. The owner/man who I spoke to yesterday was at a Dr.'s apt. but his worker was there and although his English is limited he identified what was wrong quickly. I feared the actual cost would be greater since he didn't even look at it yesterday.

It was different when it was done BUT it was less!!! I kept thanking him. It cost me $53. Jiffy Lube was packed when I returned there but I had my interview anyway with the collective.
I like their set-up a lot. There are no office fees and their agents close 25 houses minimum per year. I reiterated to her I did not have any experience although I have my license. I am ready and willing to learn.

She suggested I could work as an assistant to one of their agents. She is giving my information to the managing broker who should get in touch with me soon. I love design. She asked me twice if I had a portfolio. I definitely need to start compiling one.

My Zumba instructor just had to fix some things on her car and saved significantly there. He quoted me $80 which is better than the 1-300 some guy at jiffy lube recommended. Jiffy Lube passed my light BUT I need to get the wiper fluid thing fixed because it doesn't pump water.

Another Zumba instructor recommended another place and I called but too late because they had closed by then.

Time for my temple interview then I'm going to see my cousin who just lost her dad.

Last night as I was pulling out of my parking space at City Mall I heard this crunch that no one EVER likes to hear. Some car parked across from me had a trailer that stuck out where it is usually clear. I got out of my car and saw nothing wrong with their trailer but then the top of my light was cracked and red plastic was on the parking lot floor. This morning I was thinking I need to get that changed before my registration is due again AND then I thought IT IS DUE IN JANUARY!!! Sooo I've been driving with expired tags. While I am dressed to attend this real estate thing right now I'm going to use this time to get my car legal.

I think I was too busy freaking out over nothing last night so I hit that trailer.  I am glad I remembered my registration this morning so I can take care of it asap. I am so grateful I didn't get a ticket since I've been running around like nothing's wrong. I need to see my cousin Hotaia who lost her father. I am going to hit up Costco and get some cookies or muffins or something and take it over there. I am all decked out for real estate, instead I'll go do this. Decked out to fix my car and complete my registration. I am excited to go later tonight and visit with the temple president. I decided to work Wednesday evenings so I can still join my ward at the temple for sessions and sealings they usually do on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I feel bad for sending Steve mixed messages. Why am I constantly having to redeem myself?

My friend Nick didn't show and I barely made it in time for the movie but I did.

Steve was looking great and he is great AND I really tried to talk to him AND I did but I was freaking out because nothing is wrong with him. First I kept thinking I didn't want to get to know him better because he didn't attend graduate school and I want to get to know someone intelligent and although there are many intelligent people without graduate degrees, since I have one it is extremely important to me. If you are in my ward you have to be 31 AND if you are that age and haven't figured out what you want to do with your life AND haven't received at least a master degree AND are working in your field making at the verrry least 50,000 a year you are doing something wrong.

BUUUT Steve has his MPA which is sooo good to me. I like that he checks all the boxes off of my mental list. He did serve a mission and that was the only thing that I didn't like, that he possibly didn't serve one BUUUT he did HALLELUJAH!!! So why the damn freakout? I don't have anything to use for an excuse anymore to NOT get to know him better and I want to do that so I don't know why I'm freaking out. Probably because I've never met someone before with ALL the qualities I like who just happens to be in my ward.

His biggest strength is his testimony. I always wanted someone who is GA material AND brilliant AND kind AND fine AND who is done with graduate school AND has a job that could support a family if he wanted that. At first I thought I was scared to get to know him better because I could see right away how strong he is spiritually and I didn't want someone who was weak in other areas and I was afraid I'd fall for him anyway because of how strong he is spiritually.

I guess the only conclusion I can make is I am an idiot. What I should have done is waited until he was the only one left there, asked him where he was parked and then just get to know him better already. Why is that scary when he is everything I want? This is a good problem to have. I don't know why it is so difficult for me. He is never difficult to talk to and he didn't walk away tonight -that was me.

I want to go through a drive-through but I'm not hungry. I need to get to know Steve better and while I did that a little it wasn't nearly enough and that is all on me. I need to get it together.

Tuesday - 9am Realty Start speaker Midvale, 7pm SLC Temple meeting w/President
Wednesday - 2pm City Collective Interview, 7pm Dinner with Maria Red Iguana
Thursday - 10:30 Century 21 David Baird Midvale Everest Group

I also found out the Poly Documentary "In Football We Trust" is being played at the Rose-Wagner Theater downtown. I keep wondering if I should tell Maria and reschedule.

I wonder if Nick is going to come. I know I need to call him again to make my effort truly an effort.

I read stuff on LDS.com but nothing I don't already know. I also read a forum for gay members that led me to a complaint Facebook site about missionaries posting their disgusting things they did as missionaries. I loved my mission and it was sooo nooot what they described. I can't imagine marring my mission by acting like that. I loooved it and I can't wait for my husband to be a mission president so I can serve at his side and try to be as effective as possible and get the chance to help inspire others to do the same.

FHE is tonight. I wish I could think of someone who isn't LDS that I could bring with me to this movie. Missionary work is my favorite and I am skilled at it too. I definitely need to expand my circle of friends to include people who aren't LDS. It is a weird medium to maintain. I need to include nonmembers in my social life rather than the other way around.

I just thought of someone I can invite. Nick Makihele. It is in his neighborhood so that would be a good thing. How do I invite my gay hairdresser who I met on my mission and then later served his own mission? It is who I thought about so that means I should do it. Even if he is touched by the spirit I'm pretty sure he's gay and may be living with his boyfriend. I will certainly invite him too whatever his name is BUUUT what if they are touched by the spirit and want to be a part of it, what then? He is an RM himself and well-acquainted with all the activities we have to reach out to our non-member friends and relatives. What the hell do I tell him? My nephew Noke is gay and I've never talked to him about it but our relationship is not one conducive to that. Maybe this is my learning experience and maybe that's why I'm supposed to invite Nick.

Maybe I was a chicken. I called Nick on his cell phone and invited him to see Meet the Mormons tonight. I hope I didn't offend him. I could probably reach him on his work phone but I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or talk about something social on his work phone or with his receptionist or whatever. I called him fully intending to talk to the actual person. I'll call him again around 7pm or 6:30ish to see if he wants to go.

In-person invitations are better because you can look at them directly and then they can make their decision. It is usually difficult to refuse someone when they are smiling in your face. I don't know what to say to him about the church or anything given his life choices now but I did want to invite him since he's the only person who came to mind. I am just doing this with faith and I'm letting everything and or anything else happen as it may.

Although we sprung ahead I still thought I had plenty of time left to cut my veggies, mix my salsa and just get to choir practice on time. NOOO I didn't and I ended up getting to RS half an hour late. I thought Steve looked good in his suit a Sunday ago... OH HELL NO - He looked sooo goood today. He was dressed in a brown sweater and khaki pants. Most guys can at least get this part right BUUUT it was a nice sweater and his socks and shoes were perfect. His socks were this nice shade of grey and they weren't too dressy OR too casual AND his shoes were perfect for what he was wearing EXACTLY what I wanted to see him in although I never expected to see him wear an outfit I loved. While he looks good in his suits, he looked younger today and younger looks fabulous on Steve.

I tried to find him before sacrament meeting but he was avoiding me. I almost went to look for him outside the chapel when he FINALLY walked in and Annette called him over and he sat with her. I wonder what dinner group he was in. I told him he looked really good after church but he walked away and back into the chapel. Later I saw him after I met with my home teachers and I told him AGAIN how good he looked which was probably too many times but yeah that outfit deserved 10 more times. I am sooo glad he knows how to dress, I guess when he wants to look good he can. He said they were his old clothes. What does that mean? He was Curtis-league fine today, just not tall like model-Curtis. I wish he looked like that all the time. Did he dress like that before and does he think there was something wrong with it because it was only right to me.

My dinner group was alright but no one I am interested in getting to know better. While the women were sweet I have no intention of hanging out with divorced women with children which is what the group consisted mostly of. Justin is a doctor but he lives in a basement apartment which was very hot and I wanted to get out of there which is what I did eventually.

My mother had the heater at 75 so my room felt like a furnace I had to turn it down.

I hope Steve continues to dress like he did today. I sooo approve of that look. FHE is watching Meet the Mormons tomorrow. I have absolutely no nonmember friends here probably because I'm not working now. Carlos invited me to some real estate seminar Tuesday at 9am. I hope it's as good as he said it is. I can't wait to work again.

I was searching for some trace of this on Steve's page and I didn't find any. I wonder why he didn't go if he didn't. Maybe that's why he was so shocked when I told him I served in Northern California. Missionary work is my favorite thing in the entire world and I want my husband to be a mission president. Pres. Monson, President Hunter and several apostles did not serve a mission. I wonder why Steve didn't if he didn't. He is righteous and worthy however although I am wondering why he's not married yet BUUUT why am I not married yet? Since I think he speaks Spanish I would attribute that to a mission but then maybe not.

I don't think Spencer has a girlfriend anymore. I don't think she called it off. I've always sensed he wasn't as into her as she was him although my interaction with him is limited at best. He didn't bring her with him to Jon's birthday. It sure took me long enough to figure that out.

I think Spencer is as righteous as Steve.

It is 1am now. I am watching NCIS on demand. I made my Dreamfield spaghetti noodles, mushrooms, spinach, chickpeas, Italian seasoning and Ragu alfredo sauce. I think it's filled with sleep-inducing carbs because I was very sleepy and although I wanted a shower I ended up sleeping the day away until I woke up around 7pm then I jumped in the shower. I feel much better of course I'm awake at this ridiculous hour and I'll probably spend the morning asleep.

Jon's broker called me. He is with Everest Century 21. It would be wise for me to follow up with this. The broker I wanted to work with at Keller Williams just posted a picture with his new broker who is coincidentally Everest Century 21. I love EVERYTHING about the Collective AND their location BUUUT I can easily see myself working with Jon's broker and there is something to be said about Rodney Moser working with him.

I can't wait to be an ordinance worker again. I don't want to forget everything I took time to memorize and there is no better place to contemplate my decisions. I am glad SLC temple will let me work any day of the week WITHOUT having to commit to 2 shifts. It is the only reason why I agreed to work Saturday mornings at the Logan Temple although now I am glad I did. It is for selfish reasons I want to work at the SL Temple. I loved it in Logan and feeling the spirit so strongly regularly is such a treat. I want that more than I want to just serve where they need me.

I will love doing this again. I am happy to meet with them Tuesday. I meet with the Collective Wednesday. Nothing will put me in a better frame of mind. The timing couldn't be more perfect. I am done with my injury and I can walk again. These next couple of weeks I'm going to work out and prepare to join my Zumba class again. I can't wait!!! All I need now is for the library to call me and give me a job as a library assistant. I love it when life is going well like it is now.

My mother is freezing and it is hot to me. I am watching American Idol that I missed last night since I was watching the voice. Ryan Seacrest is trying to rock the beard but I think he just needs to lose it. I don't think anyone looks attractive with a beard. OK so Curtis did look good that one time. BUUUT few men look good enough to pull that off AND Curtis ALWAYS looks better without it.

I whipped some coconut cream and mixed some stevia in with it and then my berries. I looove berries. I bought everything from Costco because they have the best produce quality AND prices. I got blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and strawberries and they are dee lish ous!!!

I am so excited to meet with someone from the City Collective. They are exactly the type of real estate brokerage I want to be part of asap AND they are downtown on South temple OR perfectly located. That would be my dream to work with them AND for the City Library where eventually I want to be the manager at the Marmalade branch which should be done in the Fall.

I would love to work with them and I'm glad I got a spiritual nudge there. I will be prepared and I hope it pays off. I think maybe I'll write a couple things appropriate for their blog now. They do everything I would love. I can't think of a better fit.

I can't believe how fast this week is moving. I don't see snow. I don't want a drought ACTUALLY I don't care UNLESS it affects my ability to have water when I need it ALSO if its going to affect prices at the grocery store. I wish the library would call me and offer me that assistant job which I'm sure pays horribly BUUUT I want the chance to show them what I'm capable of AND I want them to pay for my ULA, ALA and conference fees so I don't have to scrounge up money for my airfare there for the conference. There is no way in hell I'm driving to St. George after my driving adventure that resulted in my being in a comma for 2 weeks, a brain injury AND a month recovery time.

Roundtrip airfare is a little over $200 and it is worth it for me to attend even if I do have to pay for myself. Time for me to get a job asap BUUUT I'm taking ALL my unemployment insurance before I do that. I want to hear from the BYU testing center and the City Library first before I make alternative plans. I don't really want to work for some place I don't plan on staying long BUUUT beggars can't be choosers and hopefully I can arrange it so I can quickly figure out this real estate thing and start making some cheddar.

Even if I wanted to go to Midway Saturday I can't waste money or gas right now. I signed up to take salsa, sour cream, tomatoes and peppers for our dinner groups Sunday. I need to remember to get that. I hope it stays cold just so I can leave my stuff to get cold in the car.

Laundry day and phone tag day. I returned a couple job-seeking interviews, missed Carlos' broker and called Salt Lake City Collective before I ended up emailing the owner/realtor. I looove their blog and online presence, what I don't like is I think he's gay and I don't want to be placed in situations I can't support or feel comfortable with. I felt like I should contact him however and they are right downtown which would be perfect for what I want to accomplish.

It was snowing last night and I already knew that. I had to brush snow off my front and back windows but the sides had melted. I looove this Winter that should actually come to an end with March. April is usually when we start to feel good and can envision summer right around the corner with the middle of May and then June. I CAN'T wait. I'm not sure why I felt like I should contact the Salt Lake Collective. Although I love their blog and think they're the most innovative I didn't want to have to deal with the gay thing.

I guess my Father in Heaven thinks I can handle it so here we go OR NOT they never responded to me yet so who really knows what'll happen.

I saw Curtis AGAIN on Logan 1st's page. He has swag - he dresses so well and he had shaved so you could see his beautiful face AND he's 6 '2 or 3. He is so sweet and kind too. I don't think he belongs there although he belongs there very much too. The farm boy does NOT make sense. I wish him the best and I think he's the best but I'm sooo not moving to Logan again EVER. An angel would have to appear to me first and tell me specifically that I needed to do that.

INSTEAD I am going to get to know Steve better since he lives here and is attractive to me although he doesn't look like a model or have the swag Curtis does. He has a testimony and is kind like Curtis however. He is comfortable in a variety of situations and relates well to people from any walk of life. I really like that. I'm just sorry it took me this long to figure that out. I want to learn how he thinks more, about his politics especially since he was a Public Admin major as was Darren. That was my first grad school major. I guess I will always love politics even if I am Ms. Jaded now.

Very cool BUUUT not if you can't run yet so I left early because it is really boring sitting there and not participating. Steve was there magnifying his calling but I wasn't going to keep sitting there watching everyone else having fun when I couldn't.

Snow FINALLY although I was definitely NOOOT praying for snow. In fact I wouldn't mind throwing something at all those people who prayed for snow. We have been spoiled so I'm not going to complain.

I received an email letting me know I won't be working with my 13th cousin once removed. I don't want to be a glorified data entry person anyway although I still need a job. I feel like real estate is not only a great option, it is my only choice since no one else will hire me. I am glad I have only 2 more weeks of unemployment because I am sick of applying for 4 jobs a week even when I have no interest in working for them.

Unemployment despite that small inconvenience has been such a blessing to me. I am grateful to have had it especially when I was on crutches and pain for 2 weeks. What a blessing it is just to walk.

Today in Sunday school we discussed what this really means. I am sooo glad Steve said something about making sure the people you serve really need or want that service. So many people go to foreign lands to "help". There is nothing wrong with wanting to and even actually serving people BUUUT it is also pretty condescending for anyone to leave their home to "help" the poor natives who live somewhere else without a cultural understanding or respect. What about meeting the many needs of people in the U.S. ? Who are the photo ops really for?

Missionary-work is my favorite thing in the world BUT this is viewed as just another example of Western Imperialism. OF COURSE I don't believe that

It is a little like all the celebrities who have their pet causes. It makes their star shine a little brighter. Celebrities can help raise money through their fans and connections. More than the average person. Does it really matter if needs are met and money is raised? Does the end justify the means. Machiavelli posed this question a long time ago and it remains relevant.

I certainly don't pretend to hold all the answers or even some of them. Blindly following or doing something however surely ISN'T how it should be done. Implications are ALWAYS more diverse than they seem on the surface.

One of the reasons why I wanted to be Steve's Facebook friend is because he posts interesting things BUUUT he hasn't posted anything significant lately. I'm going to have to ask him things in person.

Steve looked so yummy in his suit today and I have a talking problem. I touched his suit and told him nice but it was more like nice and awkward. I would've redeemed myself in Sunday School since despite my VT talking to him FOR AWHILE he was sitting by himself but my friend Angie said she'd go to class with me in the hall and that would've been bad if I told her I want to sit by Steve let's go sit over there.

Angie was in my Tongan ward when I first moved here from Hawaii. It has been forever. We were Young Single Adults together now we're Mid-Single Adults together. I sat with her in sacrament meeting too-ANOTHER time I could've found Steve and sat by him since he didn't pass the sacrament today. Relief Society was filled with the spirit. Sunday school was alright. I really wish the teachers there would focus more on bringing the spirit. Relief Society was so refreshing to have it so strongly.

I love my bishop. As part of his testimony he said, "pirouette off on paths not relevant,"- only an attorney would say something like that. I wanted to laugh. The broker I had originally found and planned on joining Keller Williams with left. His name is Rod Moser and I wanted to work and receive his tutelage. He posted a few days ago about how much he would miss Keller Williams and the people he met there. Alright so it is time for me to find a new broker. This guy Carlos in my ward and Jon are realtors so I'm going to interview with their brokers.

I think I have 2 weeks left of unemployment. I'm going to wait those 2 weeks and if nothing comes of the interviews for the jobs I actually want I'll do some temp job until I have enough to pay all my real estate fees then be gangbusters about that. Sooo it is more than time to find a new broker. I will meet with Jon AND Carlos' brokers. I really like our FHE speaker who I think is Jon's broker. I would love to meet with him. I wouldn't mind Carlos' either. Their offices are both in Midvale. I'd rather have one downtown or in Sugarhouse like Keller Williams is located BUUUT I need to try and I want to see what each has to offer.

I can't run yet but I'll go to the glow-in-the-dark frisbee so I can talk to Steve. I tried to find him after church but I couldn't.