Urban Poly Princess

My Childhood friend Leialoha Pakalani shared this on her Facebook. It was so beautifully related I had to copy it here. I always thought my friend's 2nd husband wasn't worthy of her because she is beautiful, brilliant and spiritual. She is half-Tongan and grew up with me at Liahona the little Americanized church community in Tonga. She lost her first husband to cancer after they had 3 little girls. Now she is in her 2nd marriage and has made a beautiful like with her family. She is the one with the killer job at BYU and her husband does construction or landscape jobs. I don't think I could do it. 

He's not physically attractive to me but he is to her. My best friend from when I lived in Tonga called me last night. She lives in West Jordan now. She brought up wanting to set me up with her cousin Kap, I went to BYU with him. His brother is Vai Sikahema the first Tongan man to play in the NFL. He married my doctor in Hawaii's daughter Keala Heeder. She was so much older than me so I don't remember her and Vai had long since left BYU when I went to the Y right after high school. I met Kap my first year at the Y with this other Tongan guy Joe Wolfgramm, They both wore glasses and I remember thinking wow, complete Tongan nerds, I had no idea they existed. Kap played football for BYU but he was never as good as Vai, I admit I was young and dumb then but I wasn't attracted to Kap either. He was raised in Arizona. I'm sure I'm too picky. Kap is the football coach now at Cottonwood High School. Nia wants to set us up because she said neither of us has been married before. Wow, we should get married then. Hahaha. Actually I'm grateful I went to Logan because I want someone who I can have fun with and communicate with. Unfortunately the only Poly boys I had that with were bad boys and didn't have the testimonies they need to have to be with me. I just have to try my best. The stars haven't aligned for me yet. Maybe they never will but whether they do or not doesn't matter, what does matter is that I keep trying.

This next passage is from my friend. She has always been a gifted writer:

 The honeymoon phase in our marriage is over. It's been over for quite some time. Our marriage has amounted to "nothing". Everyone says it doesn't last and they were right. That initial awkward bumbling, posing in your best behavior, some compatibility pretense, selfishness and discovery waned a long time ago. When Chris and I first married, we were pretty clueless about the growth and failures our relationship would have to go through. I was fiercely attracted to his looks, the way he held me, his efforts to care for my three little girls, his simple devotion to church and unvarying commitment to marrying me and all of my baggage. That was all I needed. He was, quite simply - lured in and coerced into joining the ready made family and wife ride. It almost seems like I got the better end of the deal and he ended up with "nothing". With all that has happened in our life span together, I've given him ample opportunities to give up and to leave. One of my favorite learning moments which showed me his level of commitment to "nothing" was when, a year into our marriage, we were instructed to create a list of everything that we wanted to change and improve in the other spouse. We were given an hour apart to carefully and thoughtfully create a list for truthful discussion. I was excited to tactfully list (in two pages) everything that irritated, angered and bothered me. When we came together the moderator gave me the first opportunity to relay my angst, pent up frustrations and unspoken things about us; and him that needed changing (And boy, did I just go to town with that). After an hour and 45 minutes, I was spent and quite proud and relieved I had laid it all out to him. The moderator then asked Chris to turn over and present his list to me. Chris did. When he was asked to list my faults, weaknesses, areas to improve and change, I braced myself trying to justify that I had just slaughtered him with each nitpicky list item. Quietly, he bowed his head to flip the list over. There was one item on his list. The one word that changed me, and our marriage. It still makes me cry today. His item was scrawled in blue pen and will always be a memory of when the honeymoon ended and our marriage began. His one thing to change - "Nothing." I wish there was a way to describe the guilt, shame and regret I felt in that moment. That really was the moment the "selfish, taker, it's all about me" phase ended. My whole heart changed. He wasn't just the boy I married because I was lonely, or a temporary father for my girls anymore. In that moment he became the man, my man, and the only one for me. The balance and dynamic of our love changed and I realized I was the one with nothing. We've been through enough physical, spiritual and financial trials to break any marriage not once, twice but many times and I come back often to that moment in time when I saw that word on his heart. Here is a man with "nothing" who will give everything to me. This is a man who sees "nothing" that needs to be changed. This is the kind of love that "nothing" can't break and there is "nothing" he wouldn't do for me. Most who know us, will agree, we give everything each day to have this "nothing" that is spiritually sound, physically powerful and emotionally edifying. So yes, the honeymoon is over. What's left of "nothing" is absolutely surreal, immensely gratifying and most significantly, eternal. I'll take Chris' "nothing" every single day because it means I've got everything...everything I've ever needed, wanted and deserved.

This is beautiful and I want to remember and apply it to my own marriage someday.