Urban Poly Princess

This is what happens when you leave everything until the last minute. I definitely have enough articles to synthesize. I changed my topic AGAIN-there just wasn't enough on the MLS vs. MBA degree. I am just going to write about the characteristics that Library Directors need most and include education as one of the requirements. In my feedback I was told I can form qualitative conclusions provided I talk to at least 5-6 different individuals. I'm getting that done tomorrow. I need to get this stuff in quickly. I want my MBA conferred this year in a couple of weeks. I'm NOT going to have my MBA graduation date listed in 2013.

I need to go to the store for saline solution. I am going to take the entire 2500 on my flexible spending for my dental and eye care needs. While it is a use it or lose it situation, you can use it on saline solution AND lasik surgery. I want to get those clear braces this year or invisalign. My insurance can pay up to a thousand a year then I can use my flex spending and make payments on the rest. I think it's about 7000.

I'm going to try Sensa sprinkles first combined with Zumba. Yoli sounds great but it also sounds expensive. Yes, first things first-finish this thesis I've been dragging out forever. I can write about anything. I'm just concerned about conducting my research with 6 different individuals. I need to get to the store. Fresh market has a good price on Aggie Ice-Cream and I could use some. Walmart probably has the best price on saline solution. Their ice-cream prices aren't very good however. I think it's still the best buy and choice for me.

I looove Thursdays!!! I ALSO love that I don't work tomorrow AND I love that our coordination meeting is cancelled today. Cancelled meetings are one of my favorite things!!!

I think I have NO textbooks to order for next module. That is fabulous. Today is a good day!!!

I went to work at noon. It's also the day I make sure the students have the right books and enough books for their classes for next module. January is supposed to be when we standardize stuff. Since the next module ends in January I thought I needed to standardize. It took me a long time to get through about half of the classes before my dean told me we'd we doing that with the module that BEGINS in January. As far as I can tell now we won't have to buy any new textbooks.

Next module will be filled with many expenses. Just about EVERYTHING is changing. Actually they should've done this long ago AND they need to standardize shipping across the board. I'm convinced there could be significant savings if this happened. I keep telling people this and they don't seem to be convinced OR I'm telling the wrong people. Even standardized library collection or central library purchasing would be amazing. Salt Lake County is an efficient model of this. Our main offices are in Salt Lake City. I would be fine being the corporate librarian.

That type of purchasing power would have vendors bending over backwards to accommodate us. I need to do a detailed report about this AND present it to the appropriate people. Even if this idea was incorporated, I have a feeling CollegeAmerica is just too cheap. My brother was extremely experienced AND qualified and they still never paid him more than 65,000. That was difficult for him since he was making over a hundred thousand a year. I think he's pretty jaded right now.

I think he needs to spend more time with his family. I REALLY wish he'd encourage his daughters to serve missions. I'm judging him a lot. I just love him and his family and I don't feel his has the level of commitment he needs to have.

My mother's testimony is just warped and freaky. She called me this morning to tell me she isn't going to let Susie stay with her because she had a dream that the guy Susie is flying in to see isn't good and could hurt her.

Some bishop early in my mother's married life told her she had the gift of dreams and she'd learn how to interpret them given time and experience with them. I keep telling her she can't dream about other people because she doesn't have authority over their lives. She tells me they are related somewhere and that it is to encourage her to find the connection.

She has righteous motives. It is just so twisted and she gets offended when I try to tell her that. She has a friend who has visions right on the spot. She lives in Hawaii. She will call my mother regularly up to five times a day for several hours. My mother spends a lot of time yelling on the phone with her. George told her that is not how the spirit works. I told her maybe I should've yelled at people when I was a missionary to help them join the church.

She kept blaming everything on her friend. I just told her it didn't matter what her friend said, how she responded was wrong. I feel bad because she lives alone. Maybe she gets lonely and this is a way for her to enjoy other people. If I stay with her again I will probably never get married. I don't like her being alone. What am I supposed to do? I wanted her to move to Logan with me but she said a prayer about making the move and was told no. She likes the pace of Logan. She likes that there's nothing to do. She also had a dream that she was stranded in Logan. I don't trust anyone else to take care of my mother. As much as she drives me crazy, I still love her very much. I don't have any other brothers or sisters. George and I are all she has. I really don't know how to resolve that.

I told her I wanted to move to California. OF COURSE she had a dream that I moved there, got married there and died there too. She thinks some natural disaster will kill me if I live there. She also said her freaky friend Dean would die there too. I wish she never said anything. Now that'll be at the back of my head. It's ruined my planning to move to San Diego.

I wish I knew exactly what my father in heaven wanted me to do. I'm pretty sure I need to get married. What is my role as a daughter to an elderly mother. My brother has 9 children he needs to take care of. There is no one else but me. Am I supposed to just let her fend for herself? Where do I draw the line?

If I do get married how will my husband feel about my mother? Just what is appropriate anyway?

We had Bro. Salmond's son tonight. He is a seminary teacher. I don't like his lessons as much as his father's. My home teachers visited. Jeff gave a lesson focusing on how it we are truly enlightened we will listen to our heart or the spirit along with the mind. The things that really matter-that mean the most to us are felt. It's really stupid that we try to discount that when everything and anything that matters is connected to our feelings. It's why something matters at all or why something is ever significant.

Tomorrow my assistant is working at 8am and I'm starting at noon. She has to take her husband to a hospital in Ogden where he will get checked out for a surgery he has next Tuesday. I like starting late. I don't like the finishing late part however.

I bought chicken tenders and shrimp from Walmart to go with my stuffing, gravy and mashed potatoes. I  am sick of my Thanksgiving leftovers now. Just yesterday I was enjoying my turkey, stuffing and cranberry celebration.

I love, love Institute!!! Who knew I'd get so lucky and end up with an incredible teacher who gives me exactly what I need each week. I'm so grateful for that. I wish I made more money BUT I have an incredible job that I love. Not too many people can say that. I'm so glad I went to library school. I loved being a substitute librarian with Salt Lake County. I make more money than all the instructors and while I don't know how much EVERYONE makes I know it's better than the admissions counselors too now that they don't get their bonuses for people who sign up.

My brother was a little dismayed this Thanksgiving that I'm not making over 45,000 yet BUT my goal for 2013 is 50,000 through my salary AND a part time thriving Zumba business. Alisa just made these awesome punch cards. She is completely rockin the Zumba. She has her first class that is completely hers in Lindon. She needs at least 25 people per month just to break even. She is subletting with a ballet studio. Awesome idea!!! Her arms are amazing. She can rock that. I still have that formal/bridal dress thing in my head I would love to do and should develop. Julie's daughter is a cheerleader at Skyview High School. I should capitalize on that. If I can get some dresses together and put together a fashion show for them I should be able to make some money to supplement my income and bust that 50,000 a year. I want to buy formal dresses from DI, alter them if need be, dry-clean them, then sell them. I also want to do brides too. It'll work my make-up love. Just thinking about this stuff gets me excited. First things first however.

Opportunities exist all over the place. We create the circumstances we want. Life is great!!! Josh emailed me last night. My hometeachers are coming over tonight at 9pm. Perfect timing. Institute finishes at 8:10. That gives me plenty of time to get home.

I saw Brooke and Jonni last night at FHE. Either no one told them about the Nutcracker or they just didn't want to go. Carline is getting a group together to see the Savior of the World on December 8th. I'm going to go to that. I'm just NOT driving to Salt Lake City during December. I'm going to miss all my extended family parties BUT since my brother and his family and my mother are visiting me for Christmas, that is going to be be family time. I decided I'm not driving to SLC again in 2012.

Pres. Hobbs gave a talk about Christmas before we all turned our attention to all the sweet stuff everyone brought to share. David didn't come. He's probably watching the Nutcracker. Julie at work wanted me to attend so I could see she and her daughters who perform in it-BUT I didn't want to miss seeing president Hobbs so I could ask him if he turned in my temple form yet. ALSO-going by myself I'm fine with, possibly seeing David with a bunch of girls when I'm by myself-NOT so fine with that.

My fresh turkey is gone BUT I have deli-cut turkey I'm eating with my cranberry celebration salad from Smith's and stuffing-I LOOOVE left-over Thanksgiving sandwiches-even though it's deli-sliced turkey from the supermarket it's still delicious!!!

Now it's time for me to follow-up with the secretary at the temple. I'll go visit her Friday AND make an appointment with the president. I just want to spend more time there and ponder the stuff with my new insight influenced by my incredible institute teacher Bro. Salmond.

I am sooo grateful I am taking that class and learning what I am now.

I hope he's doing well. I love AND miss him very much.

Wow!!! What if I was in love with him? If I was he could take advantage of me AND hurt me a whole hell of a lot. He already has and we're not dating. I am such an idiot. I have seen him at his worst. Repeatedly. What the hell is wrong with me!!!

I know how awful he can be. Why isn't that enough. I also know how great he is and I feel like he knows me a lot better than he should.

Tonight we had a nice talk from an engineer who works where Matt works-some space place near USU in North Logan. He talked about how his understanding of the temple was expanded through his profession and the connections he's been able to draw. He had pictures of planets and systems he showed us with an overhead. He was alright. I feel like he could've made the connections clearer. I felt like tuning him out. BUT it felt like his talk had the potential for so much more. The material is interesting-matter, galaxies, stars, planets, systems-There were many implications he could have developed but didn't.

I had my tithing settlement with bishop later. When he asked me if I needed anything I told him I needed a raise. He told me not to be wary of moving within my company and not to get too comfortable in Logan or feel that I needed to stick around. Funny-I DON'T want to be here and I have no problem moving asap. He told me wherever I go I can serve. YES I know that although I wonder if the bishop really thinks that.

I will apply for the ULead program from Logan however and I intend to apply with a STRONG application that gets accepted.

Brrr... It is cooold. Freezing!!! I am so grateful for so many things. While I wanted to see the Nutcracker I'm grateful David isn't my fhe leader anymore. I wasn't trying to be a diva BUT in order for me to be alright with how he treated me he was going to have to go out of his way to communicate with me AND I don't think he was going to do that. David getting another calling was the best thing that could've happened in that situation.

He was called as a Sunday School teacher. I think he's much more suited to that. We have some sort of combined activity tomorrow I may attend if I feel like it. We're supposed to bring a treat to share and I don't feel like whipping anything up. Maybe I'll just buy something. I can always make some no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies I have everything to do that. That doesn't take much energy. I want to see Breaking Dawn 2. My friend told me NOT to take my nieces there so I didn't on Thanksgiving like I wanted to do.

I wanted to take them because I want to see it. I didn't do any thesis work when I was gone. As nice as it is to see my family, I am the most comfortable here in my own apartment. So many opportunities fill my life.

There's a Cache Valley Singles fireside tonight. I am sick of being single. I am more sick of trying. I don't want to date anyone who is divorced or has children. I don't want to go out with anyone who is unattractive to me. I don't want anyone older than my mother. Do I have to give that all up to get married? I'm just not willing to do that. I don't want to be single forever but my life feels that way. As I get older I just get pickier. I get better with the passage of time. I benefit from more education and my testimony also grows. It just makes me want more in someone else. I don't want to share my life with someone who can't appreciate that.

Looong family weekend. I stayed for my meeting Wednesday then drove to Perry to get my pies and rolls from Maddox. It was good to see my mother for a minute. Alisa wanted us there early since Noelani had to work at 3pm. She works at Walmart so we enjoyed teasing her about going on strike. I tried to bring up missions and/or school but if their parents don't want that I don't see how that'll happen. It's none of my business. I just feel like she is wasting away her time. Noelani said there's a weight requirement for missionaries now. They didn't have that when I served. There were many overweight missionaries. I need to find out about this for sure. I just hope George and Alisa aren't being selfish. She needs to go for herself. There's a lot I want to do but it is all intrusive over-stepping my boundaries stuff.

Things that frustrate me that I have no control over. I told George and Alisa they need to come to my house for Christmas. They agreed although my mother seems to think it'll be snowing then and too dangerous for them to travel. I'm excited to have them although I'm going to have to borrow or buy a table and some chairs. I need to figure out what to make. I think I'll have an Asian Christmas meal.

I loooved Grant Von Harrison's missionary series. I attended mission prep they held in the temple visitor's center in Hawaii EVERY Sunday for over 2 years. It was irritating because I watched so many friends get the missionary bug then leave on their missions but I wasn't old enough to go yet.

That was a very good time for me now when I think about it. I remember feeling very cheated because I was in Hawaii while all my friends were having a blast in Utah, taking road trips everywhere. I was bored out of my mind. I was limited to BYU-Hawaii guys who usually had NO money and NO cars. If I wanted to go anywhere it was me that would be driving. I had just been spoiled in Utah by Poly boys with money AND cars. There were still BYU-Hawaii dances BUT yeah that's what I did in High School.

There wasn't a whole lot for me to do except go shopping and take classes here and there. I was still in my mode of NEVER wanting to attend BYU-Hawaii although it was 3 minutes away. I went to Windward Community College in Kaneohe, Kapiolani Community College in Honolulu AND then the University of Hawaii in Manoa taking GE courses. My mother's aunt and uncle gave me and my brother $5000 each for school since their son didn't attend at all. It was VERY nice, I didn't know them AND I enjoyed spending their money.

I also worked briefly for the Census Bureau as a recruiter. It paid VERY well AND it was a great job. Ironically Hawaiians are ostracized in Hawaii. Much like the American Indians they are provided with what are called Hawaiian Homestead Lands. My mother graduated from the Hawaiian private school Kamehameha. Her classmate from there was over the Waipahu Census Bureau District Office. She REALLY wanted me to work there. I took the test, got a perfect score and was hired immediately. My name makes most Hawaiians identify me immediately as such. There are more Asians there than anything else. My mother is an only child. She is half white. I never identified with my Hawaiian side because the only Hawaiian relative I knew was my grandmother who didn't get along with her half-brothers and sisters. There are lots of Hawaiian scholarships. I enjoyed this right after my mission when my RM scholarship was exhausted.

I still have ALL of Grant Von Harrison's books in Salt Lake City. I haven't cracked them open in a looong time. I tried to find out online which book had the choose to be chosen spiel. I was shocked at all the negative reactions to his books. Most people found these too extreme. My favorite was Drawing on the Powers of Heaven and this is listed repeatedly as something that made missionaries depressed because they felt they couldn't measure up. REALLY???!!! Wow!!! I loooved it because it offered specific suggestions about how to do missionary work well.

The missionary guide, scriptures AND any books they give you specifically IS what you need. When I went I was also given as were ALL missionaries-Jesus the Christ, A Marvelous Work and Wonder, Truth Restored and Gospel Principles. I hear this doesn't happen anymore. You DON'T need Grant Von Harrison's books, BUT I loved them. They need to be viewed in the proper perspective. One of my DLs told me Grant Von Harrison wrote and assembled the missionary guide.

It makes sense that he would develop a missionary series and include what the bretheren wouldn't let him include in the guide. The church doesn't publish the names of authors of any of our church curricula. I don't know where my DL got that information and I didn't probe further. I REALLY hope my husband serves as a  mission president. There is nothing I'd enjoy more. The mission president's wife often gets to speak to the missionaries. My mission president's wife was awesome. Although my cousin assured me the full length leather coat I bought in Utah was fine, I was a little nervous about it BUT Sister Ripplinger dressed well and she loved my clothes!

Sister missionaries in Hawaii often wore these ugly jumpers. My personal vow to myself before leaving was to NEVER wear one of those ugly things. I took my dad to Laura Ashley to buy dresses. He was amazed that I wanted conservative dresses that weren't black. He bought me 3 dresses there WITHOUT caring about how much they were. My mother got me a couple of sweaters and 3 suits. She wasn't as easy as my father however and we struggled to find things we BOTH agreed on.

I was going to California. I don't know what I was thinking. They have malls there AND missionaries can shop too. My parents gave me a rude awakening when I wrote home after the money I had been given ran out. A Tongan ward is the BEST. Since I left from a Tongan ward and had a party as is typical, many ward members gave me money. I had over a thousand dollars from them. There is NOTHING to spend money on in the MTC. I went shopping with my cousin for a Winter coat before she took me to the MTC. That and gloves were the only things I bought.

My first area was the SMALL town of Colusa. What the heo???!!! I thought I was going to the capital city of California NOT a little village in the middle of nowhere. When my money ran out I wrote asking for more. I wanted to get my nails done, hair cut-ANYTHING to make my work in the boonies better. My mother responded by telling me she thought I should learn to live with what they gave us!!! For my mission that meant $175 an entire month!!! I survived AND learned to use cheaper hair products AND make up.

In the MTC I had a companion just as vain as me. We got up at 5am every day so we could take a leisurely shower AND have enough time to do our hair and make up. In the field I changed this.

Doing some laundry. I bought some lights and just strung them around the lower part of the tree before decorating and it looks fabulous. I also took down 3 pictures and put three Christmasy ones up in their place. I found them online. My favorite is a snowman on Waikiki beach. I also found a Victorian angel and some renaissance looking Christmas lady on a horse decked out for Christmas. I found the frames at Dollar General or something NOT the usual dollar store I go to by Maceys.

I got in my Christmas decorating mode and I couldn't stop. I need a nativity scene BUT I want a nice one AND I'm willing to wait until I find one I like. I want lights on the stair railing that can be seen downstairs. My silk plants and pictures that I moved should be fine.

Now I'm drying my g's because I need them.

I was going to leave at 1pm but I remembered I have a CVLA nominating committee meeting. I should be there and I can and will wait. It doesn't start until 3pm.

Bro. Salmond reminded me so much of my mission farewell. He tried to tell people about how to be chosen. We can choose this-it is what I talked about. Grant Von Harrison had this missionary series I loved. I think I should reread them. I'm so grateful for what I've learned and what I've been blessed with. I hope and pray I will work to be worthy of this each day.

I stayed up late putting away what usually sits on my window ledge, shelves, side table and television table. Christmas is here and it's awesome!!! I'm going to buy a cheap CD player/radio because my house just needs some Christmas music playing in the background. I need to put my ornaments on my tree. I still like my tree. I wish the bottom lights would turn on. It's about 3 feet tall, frosted and has berries here and there. I just have these red shiny plastic ornaments that are clear, opaque, covered in gliter, or with this satiny looking finish. I can decorate my tree at lunchtime. I'm going to buy some sort of gold plant things to stick in my two red vases. I'm going to find some pictures on the net, blow them up at the printer place near Carl's Jr., then find some frames at DI to stick them in.

I want to change a couple pictures in my living room just for the rest of this month and December. I looove Christmas!!! I'm glad when I come back from Thanksgiving in Salt Lake or rather Provo my house will be all decked out for Christmas. I'm glad I learned how to decorate without money. You can find deals on everything. If you have an ugly house or clothes it's your own fault. There are beautiful things at every price point. Some people have no taste. Of course designer shoes, handbags AND real jewelry are always better BUT I found a Tommy Hillfiger bag at DI the last time I bought some books for my library.

I'm listening to Manheim Steamroller-I looove their Christmas music. I need to buy some blank CDs. My friend Julie here at work said she'd copy some music for me. I want to make a gingerbread house or castle this year. My house looks great. It's almost there!!! There's a pre-lit 6-ft tree for 24.00 at Walgreens. I think that price is too good to pass up and that I need to buy it today. My room upstairs could use a tree in the corner. Decorating is part of the fun. I love it!!! I know what looks good. I always have.

While I have always believed it's good to take a step back and think about things before I respond, there is also danger in keeping things inside and NOT dealing with them. Sometimes my immediate response is a knee-jerk reaction that I succumb to and then behave badly. Usually I can control this impulse and eliminate it from my concern. Whatever it is, I learned recently I need to DEAL with it and not IGNORE it. I need to learn how to discuss things immediately but calmly as close to when I experience something and REALLY try to understand. I looove Stephen R. Covey and I hate to quote him all the time BUT his points are seared into my thoughts-Seek first to Understand, then to be Understood.

I know my email probably took David by surprise and that's not entirely his fault ALTHOUGH I'd like to think that-He's not a mind reader and I should have dealt with how I felt about our fondue party experience AND talked to him about it. I thought I could just ignore it away  BUT with his last email I just couldn't believe how much I had grown to hate him. I think the only reason why that happened is because I DIDN'T deal with my feelings as they developed. That became a whole different concern for me. It took me long enough to get over that but I don't hate him now.

He DID let me know about our fhe cancellation BUT I was way more annoyed and angry than the incident warranted. I think part of me just needs to be upset. I had to address how he ignored the parts of my email he wanted to and then recognized what he wanted. While I wanted to know fhe was cancelled, I didn't like that he expects me to acknowledge his texts while he fails to see anything wrong with ignoring mine. So he decides what is important from me and EVERYTHING he decides to send me is important? SOOO WRONG!!! Mindie's sour outlook at our fhe that didn't happen just got me more mad. ANYTHING I suggested that night she kept shooting down. I would like to think they're fine but why all the excuses? Mindie said David was talking about having people be in charge of an fhe and she said ONLY I am willing to do that BUT Monica said at our fondue party that she'd looove to be in charge of an fhe. I think they should give her and whoever else the chance. Being in charge in my mind DOESN'T absolve the fhe leaders of doing anything. BONNIE NOT Becky Fridal in BONNIE'S lesson yesterday talked about how everyone was probably judging her lesson and thinking they could do it better. That IS one of my faults. Maybe David and Mindie really are doing their best and are frustrated.

I think attendance reveals how well you are doing.

I have so many blessings and there is so much I have to be grateful for.

I love this gospel and I love my testimony. I am grateful for the counsel of my leaders and I am grateful for the guidance of the spirit.

I read a story in the Standard Examiner about a lady who found out her husband has 5 years to live. They have 11 children and he contacted some rare liver disease when he was 19 that didn't manifest itself until recently. She returned to nursing school and commutes several days a week to Wyoming to work at a hospital she was able to secure a position at to support her family. I love inspirational stories that defy odds. Her advice, "Stop whining and cowboy up," she says, "Life is hard. Just pull yourself up from your bootstraps and make a plan, then work the plan and never give up."

I usually don't like tragic Lifetime movie-type medical stories BUT they do give me valuable perspective. I have nothing to complain about. I like her make a plan, then work the plan and never give up. I really do want to make 50,000 next year AND I intend to make and work a plan to get there. My salary will cover most of it BUT my Zumba business and whatever else I decide to do will do the rest.

Half of my Christmas tree lights are out. I have a prelit tree. I'm going to turn my house into Christmas tonight. I want to come home to Christmas after Thanksgiving. That and a spotless home!!! I was thinking of buying a new tree but my friend told me to just buy some lights. I'm going to try that this year and see how it works. I looove Christmas!!!

I emailed David how I feel right now. My reaction to our last fhe cancelation was too extreme. I can't get upset over nothing. I don't expect to hear from him again. I feel like I'm being demanding BUT after everything that's gone down between us it can't be any other way. I don't feel like I'm giving him much of a choice BUT I don't feel like I have one either. I'm NOT going to hate or resent him again and if he continues to treat me like a dog I will return there. He may not feel like he's doing that but it is how I feel. I got angry really fast when I thought he didn't let me know fhe was canceled. That is not a normal reaction. I don't want to become this short-tempered emotional idiot over NOTHING. Allowing him to treat me badly without saying anything is going to ignite the hate. Our dynamic has to either change or cease to exist. I do want to see the Nutcracker. I hope we can find some happy medium before then BUT I don't know what that is or even if it exists. I can always see it in SLC if I really want to do that. I just like the Cache Valley prices.

Rainy day today. I wore the sole pair of ugly shoes I own. My snow boots that R great for the rain too but R sooo NOT cute. I was happy I wore them when I drove around the parking lot twice and not 1 space was free. Of course AFTER I parked on the other side of the road and walked to the church there was a free space right in front of the doors that must've cleared when I gave up.

Becky Fridal taught Sunday school today. She talked a lot about judging people because of how much money or education they have and how this is wrong. I agree HOWEVER am I supposed to date someone who isn't living their life the way they could be? NOOO so I should just judge their spiritual state and NOT care that they won't have enough money or skills to move out of their parents' home???!!! I am not trying to be a snob. It's interesting that we would have that lesson immediately after I figure out I'm picky. I'm NOT living in someone's parents' house because I marry someone who  can't afford to move out, I'm also NOT marrying anyone who thinks Mickey D's is a good place to take me to dinner.

I went to school AND got the education I did. Is it wrong for me to expect that of someone else? I don't think so. I would've brought it up but that in itself would not be very good because then I'd be bragging BUT I am an RM, I have an MLS and I will very soon have an MBA. I decided I will make over 100,000 after 5 years. I don't ask anyone everyday if they want fries with that. That is not the life I want. I can be kind and Christlike to anyone regardless of where they work or how much education they have. None of those things makes anyone better than someone else. That doesn't mean I have to date them or marry them.

Many of my friends and family members have told me through the years that I am too picky. That's probably why I'm single BUT I trust in my Father in Heaven and I will ALWAYS do what he wants me to do. He's NEVER told me to marry someone I didn't want to marry. Alright, dating is a different story BUT I've done EVERYTHING I could when I've received direction ALWAYS. I don't always like it AND sometimes I just don't ask because I'm afraid of what I'll have to do BUT ultimately I will never do anything my father in heaven doesn't sanction.

Maybe I am. The prophet has always told us to get as much education as possible. I was reading some of my previous entries. Graduate school really is a requirement for me. I want it to be important to whoever I end up with. Graduate school does not determine intelligence but it does require you to complete projects that would never be done otherwise. It also requires commitment and discipline. After working as a librarian I don't think I could go back to an hourly job. I tried to work part time for Call Assistance after living and working in Logan maybe 4 months. I've worked phones before and it wasn't difficult for me. Right now I can't do it. I'm not going to work for a crappy rate doing a job that a machine or high school graduate can do. That is just how it is and I accept that now.

I love working on salary and that's not going to change. Salary here sucks. The North Logan Library Director makes less than I do now. USU librarians start at my rate although I've seen postings for a little less and then a little more than I make now. I want to make 50,000 next year even if I do remain in Logan sooo I REALLY do want my Zumba to take off. I can't really think of anything else I want to do except for my love and passion-broadcast journalism. I could write for the Herald Journal again but  I won't make much money doing that. I need to have a plan and work that plan.

A lot more of my ward members attend these than I first supposed. It's right by my house so I really should attend. I had 5 pieces of pizza and I feel sick. Chicken alfredo and BBQ chicken were very good BUT 5 pieces of pizza in one sitting is not so good for you.

The crowd is just like the singles conference crowd. Lots of older singles mixed in with everything else. I FINALLY got rid of some soup I didn't like very much. I hope they can use it at the food pantry.

I see Alex Merril everywhere. He is tall AND fine I just have the sense that we have nothing in common.  BUT I see him all over the place.  I snuck out of there before it was done.

Cleaning, cleaning all the day! This is the extent of my Saturday!!! I made no-bake oatmeal chocolate cookies they are REALLY good frozen. They are easy to make. I should always keep a bunch in my freezer. Cleaning, eating, thesis. Such is my life right now. The MBA is worth it. I can't wait to see my family. I just wish I were flying there instead of driving BUT I know although it's annoying AND far, it's also not really far enough to fly.

I have over 2 weeks vacation next month. I wish I had planned better. I could've gone to Europe. My finances will FINALLY have some order Tuesday since I've paid off all but the regular expenses now. I paid my tithing ahead sooo I'm not going to pay it when I get paid Tuesday since it's already paid!!! My finances return to NORMAL FINALLY.

If I saaave my money over the next two months I'll have enough for my sectional AND flat screen-my Christmas presents and graduation gifts to myself!!! It'll also be time for me to get cable again.

Zumba, Yoli AND I think it's time to beef up my food storage AND do some family history work. My mother has some names I can do. I need to start my own at least and stop allowing my mother's enthusiasm to turn me off.

There's a leadership project called ILEAD I want to apply for. Utah is one of just 5 states in addition to Illinois that was chosen for this leadership institute thing. At least 3 different libraries get to collaborate with 3 different libraries selecting 5 team members. They have to work together to help the community somehow.

The deadline to submit the application is December 14th. I'm going to do something business-related. I'd like to do some sort of small business thing because it's going to help my Zumba business which I AM going to launch VERY SOON. I NEED to make more money and I don't want to work for anyone else like I was planning and I'm NOT willing to do anything that isn't going to advance my career or benefit me. The ONLY thing I can think of that wouldn't require the amount of time that would affect my schedule is Zumba in the early-morning.

I looove the dance aspect of this thing and I can't wait to make it fly. I also like launching a business because it is work that shows I am USING the skills I gained through my MBA. I already have my consumer health medical library certification-that gives me an edge as does the MBA for business librarianship. It certainly qualifies me for additional business or medical librarian jobs. Having my own Zumba business is valuable experience in the field.

Forming a team, applying for, and then implementing the stuff through the ILEAD program is an incredible opportunity I can stick around a year for. Helping start-up businesses is genius AND helps me identify resources in the process that'll allow me to take advantage of EVERYTHING it offers to ALSO help myself. I just need to refine the idea, get 5 members to commit to being a part of it, AND then do it!!!

Zumba certification is good throughout the United States. I like my MLS because it qualifies me for librarian jobs nation-wide. I REALLY don't plan to live here for the rest of my life. This experience will allow me to easily replicate it elsewhere.

I'm watching videos now before I start my weekend cleaning and thesis work.

I talked to my brother about Thanksgiving before I called Maddox and ordered some pies and rolls. I want to see Breaking Dawn 2. I Facebooked my nieces that we should go Thursday after eating. I love my nieces and nephews so much.

I hate driving over an hour. I tried to sell them on coming to Logan but my apartment isn't really big enough or set up for that and the weather's bad for some park. It will be nice to see my mom, brother and his family this next week.

Yesterday my friend Uly came to finish some paperwork. He is Colton's bff and used to visit me and hang out in the library usually when Colton was there. He's a body builder and he always is on point physically. My plan is eventually to have him work with some of my clients ONCE I get in shape AND am Zumba certified like my sister-in-law. I talked to Uly for a long time. It was good to see him again. He's 21 and very sweet. He is very active in his assembly of God church that fellowshipped him when he was growing up. He prays every night and morning and attends church each Sunday. He has a great body but unlike Colton he won't sleep with the world or even someone he's dating seriously. Because he grew up around lots of LDS people he always talked about how he wanted to go on a mission BUT he didn't want to join the church to do it.

He told me on his 21st birthday his friend took him to a bar and he tried beer for the first time. He said it tastes like paint thinner and he drank about half and doesn't plan on drinking anymore. Colton kept telling me to set him up with my niece in high school. He seemed to think because Uly is a virgin, doesn't smoke, do drugs or drink that it made him someone I'd want my niece to end up with. NOOO he doesn't have a testimony!!! Colton and I got in a huge fight over that BUT even our fights were NOTHING like my chronic blow-ups with David. Colton NEVER disrespected me even when we fought. David does that repeatedly.

My physical type has always been tall AND gorgeous. I think gorgeous is EVERYONE's type. I don't like super thin but I tend to end up with that. My first David friend was 6 '2, very spiritual, gorgeous AND went to graduate school although NOT brilliant. I always felt he was a little too thin. The first white boy I ever considered in my head at least was my friend Dave Moon from Sandy. He had a girlfriend so right off he was off limits BUT-He was very blonde, tan, not tall-5 '10 but he used to work out a lot before because he looked like Adonis. He sat by me so I had to train him a bunch which is how I found out he was brilliant. He was 22. He would call me up all the time and he always had me rolling. He made me laugh more than anyone I met before. He partied a lot but he loved sushi. He went to the U. I loved the way he dressed too. Like so many people in Utah he was LDS BUT not active. He is the first white boy I've EVER found attractive. Probably because the ones I did meet were goofy LDS boys-GOOD-what I want-BUT-it was nice to meet white boys who care about what they wear.

I worked with Dave right before I met Colton so I set myself up. Colton is 6 '3, fine AND dresses well. I thought my first David friend was too skinny NOOO Colton is waaay too skinny. He has no butt. Colton is a lot like me with his self-esteem. He is brilliant and he knows it AND gorgeous AND he knows it. I've never met anyone as conceited as myself. We both like how we look. BUUUT we also both know how far to take that AND value that-I know I need to lose weight AND he knew he needed to bulk up like Uly. We both know how smart we are too. We have no problem using any of that to our advantage. We are both blunt and demanding. That seems like a recipe for disaster but we got along extremely well.

Dave and Colton helped me even consider white men. Good prep for me if nothing else.

David has a lot of things going for him. That was scary to me at first. I love his Asian/White mix. It's why he's physically attractive to me. He's not tall but he is gorgeous. He's older than any of the other white boys I've ever been attracted to BUT he looks the youngest. It's the Asian thing. He is brilliant, more so than ANY of the BRILLIANT guys I've met. None of them also combined that with graduate school. He is spiritually right there with my first David friend. My first David friend EVERYONE knew was spiritual. This David is just as spiritual but he doesn't strike people as such. He is a lot like me in that. People are always amazed to find out I served a mission. VERY annoying. People never think I'm intelligent either. ALSO VERY ANNOYING. He can dress well and he always looks good at church. He usually looks well everywhere else but once he wore this t-shirt to our ward Halloween party that was ugly AND made him look 12-I thought it would be good to burn it. Sooo NOT important BUT STILL something I noticed.

Matt Downs and Robert Draper were the only guys who joined us for sealings besides bishop. Robert is active and attends ALL the activities. I like that very much. I wish that were enough. Physically I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but even if I could get past that he works at Gossner's cheese factory in production. He's been there 14  years and I don't expect him to change that. I'm going to have 2 master's degrees pretty soon. I'm NOT going to be with someone who can't support me AT LEAST as well as I can support myself!!! BUT that's not enough either. Jared is a high councilman-a very good thing, he owns his own house and drives a very nice truck besides the snow plow monstrosity he drives in the winter. He is alright physically HOWEVER I don't know if he ever went to graduate school OR ANY college. He probably has a bachelor's degree from USU in something. So Jared doesn't sound that bad BUT he is one of the most boooring people I've EVER had several conversations with. He probably isn't boring to most people. We probably just don't have anything in common and I didn't want to find out anything either. He strikes me as someone I could do ANYTHING to. I feel like in a relationship I'd run all over him. I am learning he is pretty popular with the women in our ward REALLY???!!! I don't get it BUT I suppose that's good for him.

My alarm went off at 6:30 then I turned on the light and stayed in bed for another 1/2 hour... or so I thought. The next time I looked at my phone it was 8:19!!! YIKES!!!

So I got ready FAST and got to work about 5 minutes to 9am. Thankfully the classroom next to mine always has breakfast and always invites me to join them. Today I took them up on it. Yummy pancakes from a company called My Personal Pantry. Brown Sugar is delicious!!! One of the girls in Katie's class brought the stuff since her family owns the company in Garland-a town right next to Tremonton. Colton, Uly and my nephew Nick all live in Garland.

I get why I was sooo tired the first time. There's sooo much waiting. Sealings take looong while a lot of people just sit there waiting for their turn and then your turn takes looong too. By contrast live sealings are so short.

Bishop filled out my temple form which the stake president should be working on now. I'll give him this week then I'll start following up with him.

I saw Mindie at the temple. When I see her I want to get along with David because I feel like she and Katie conspire to make it so I'm NOT on good terms with him. BUT that shouldn't have anything to do with anything. It motivates me to get along with him when she makes me feel like that. She was happy I was angry on Monday. If only it were easier. I told her I called David when he told me he did let me know and I realized he did try to let me know. I feel like I'm being a difficult diva princess because of what I'm going to ask. I don't want to resent David or hate him or ANYONE again. I wish I were strong enough NOT to let this affect me BUT telling me not to email him AND then in the same breath talking to me about something I DID email him because it makes things easier for him is NOT alright. The more I think about this I need to tell him how this whole thing made me feel. Ignoring my text asking him to take care of paper products made me ANGRIER. If I don't say anything it's probable I will return to the hate.

When Mindie was telling me how she's used to cleaning horror houses like Jen's, I was thinking-I don't remember seeing you helping. She disappeared. I was the idiot that tried to tackle the kitchen like it was nothing. Instead it was a HORRIBLE LIVE NIGHTMARE and I STILL can't even clean the church now. It freaks me out.

Levi texted me to let me know he had my recommend. I checked my recommend first before letting him know I had a new one and that one should've been canceled by the stake. Somehow I left it in the temple. I was sooo upset when I went to the singles conference temple night and it wasn't in my temple bag where I ALWAYS leave it.

Now I consider it a blessing because when I had my stake temple interview that was DELAYED a day I had just received my last email from David. I was ready to admit how I felt about my aunt was wrong. David pushed me over the edge with his email and I had no choice BUT to confront that YES I hated someone. I've always considered people that hate dumb, weak and petty. When I don't like someone I avoid them but keep my feelings neutral. When President Peck asked me if I had any ill feelings towards any of my family members I told him about my aunt. He told me I needed to actively work on it and let the atonement work to get me to love her and forgive how she treated my mother AND ALWAYS behaves. He still gave me my recommend and I felt worthy to attend the temple provided I work on how I felt.

David offended me more than my aunt. I figured out you have to care about someone first in order to hate them later. Other people have treated me badly but I didn't care about them enough to give a damn. I had been through sooo much with David and for me to realize how he treated me hurt a whole hell of a lot. I knew I had to seperate the man from the actions BUT it was A LOT harder than I thought it would be. 

I read and reread President Uchtdorf's Stop It talk from April conference.  I did that for several days and thought I was over it BUT I really wasn't. My home teachers gave me the same message from President Uchtdorf on forgiving. Intellectually I got how we needed to forgive everyone. Sooo I'm thinking I'm fine BUT It just took seeing him at church to get that those ugly feelings were STILL there. Sooo I kept working on it and FINALLY got over it Monday by listening to the same talk over and over again the entire day AND praying about it too. That DID work and when I saw him later that night at FHE I was REALLY done!!! That was so cool!!!

So there was a reason why I lost my recommend AND a reason WHY my stake interview was delayed. David's not my family but I know that it isn't good to harbor ill feelings for ANYONE.

Today some of our ward is doing sealings to help bishop. The last time I did this I was so exhausted that I didn't gain what I felt I should. It is a blessing to do sealings. The only other time I did sealings I was on my mission and one of the temple workers asked my companion and I to help out. That was in the Oakland temple 3 hours away from Sacramento. There was an old lady in one of my wards in Sacramento who worked at the temple EVERY Saturday morning. I'm going to remember her on those cold mornings when non-morning me rises at the insane hour working there will require. I feel rested today although my sleep schedule was messed up when I fell asleep at 9pm then rose at 1:45 to take out my contacts. I couldn't go to sleep and it didn't help that I drank some Diet Dr. Pepper at that hour either. I want to be AWAKE this time when I do sealings so I can listen to the words and ponder and consider them the way I should.

I know the endowment session so well that I can completely zone out and then get right back to it when I need to do something specific. This is both good and bad. It's like reading the Book of Mormon. The words are so familiar that I have to force myself to actively think about them or consider them. Bro. Salmond's institute class has sparked my interest in learning as much as I can in the temple. There is so much there to consider. Like reviewing the scriptures or conference talks it is jam-packed with the things that can refine my life best. The word of God according to scripture has the biggest influence on our lives. The temple ordinances are included in this and are the most significant.  

I'm going to leave work at 5:45 so I can be ready AND not rushed at 6:30 when I need to be ready to commence!!!

First I met with my visiting teachers following work. Marci shared Pres. Monson's priesthood talk about how people can change. The gospel and the atonement are rooted in the idea that we can all improve, change AND become better. We can and should always be progressing. That is the purpose of life.

Bro. Salmond talked more about how we can become as Zion. We talked about how Satan laughed while the Savior wept. It reminds me of my dad. I remember him teaching this section of the Pearl of Great Price when I was a Young Adult after my mission. We focused a lot on why the Savior would weep. We didn't even discuss Satan laughing. He also laughs in 3 Nephi 9:6.

It reminds me of the Thomas family from my mission. The part member family was awesome. I was serving in Cameron Park and was so frustrated because my companion had to go home because she had a tail-bone that hadn't healed correctly. It hurt her to stand, sit, AND lay down. She couldn't hold ANY position without severe pain. When she went home I worked by getting RS sisters to go on splits with me. I went to meet with the father for his 4th? discussion. At the door he told me I was always welcome in their home BUT that he didn't want to take the discussions anymore.

I snapped and started crying. I'm sure it freaked him out. It freaked me out. He told me the gospel was probably true but that he wasn't going to pay tithing because he couldn't afford it and he didn't believe in it enough to even try living the law. He was a policeman with I think 5 daughters with the oldest around 12. I was so sad that he made that choice. I was extra-sensitive because I spent almost a month without a companion. I called the office everyday and the senior sister missionary who worked there with her husband actually told me she didn't know when I'd get my companion. I didn't get her until the  next transfer when my greenie Sister Treadwell told me I needed to let her do more and that she was sick of hearing how great I was from all the members. I think I got used to being alone and without a companion. We were transferred to Fair Oaks together for another 4 months. I was in Cameron Park for  about 6.

Wow!!! Major mission memories right there. I loooved my mission. Another thing that annoyed me with Mindie last night is she said how she was used to cleaning places like that nightmare house we cleaned because of her mission. I told her I served my mission too in Sacramento AND I didn't have to clean anything like that and she was all shocked. I told them how this one member home I was in I asked to use the bathroom and it was so bad I couldn't use it. I ended up using the one at the Burger King we saw when we drove away. I told her I served a mission the FIRST time I met her when David drove us to the Bountiful temple. Chicka puhleeze!!!

My home teachers are seeing me at 8:30 tonight. My visiting teachers are going to be there at 6:15. Institute is from 7-8:10. So no breathing today. Work then running, then sleep and work then temple and sleep.

I can't wait!!! I have yet to be disappointed by brother Salmond. His insights consistently hit me exactly how I want them to hit me.

I was thinking last night after I calmed down and my emotions caught up with my head. My experience with the fondue party with David and Mindie was the worst experience EVER. No one has disrespected me more. Ignoring what he felt like ignoring AND recognizing what he wanted to was EXTREMELY RUDE AND frustrating for me. I AM NEVER going to accept being in charge of another FHE with them AGAIN. I tried repeatedly to get help or some response but was left with NOTHING. It caused me to experience hate for the first time. I spent money AND time on something I AM NOT responsible for and near the end I began to resent ANYTHING I did for that. Hate is ugly. I am sooo glad I am past that and that I can seperate the actions from the man. It was NOT easy to get over that. That whole thing was traumatic for me. Right now I need to let David know to IGNORE EVERYTHING I've ever emailed him. I need to tell him this in person since-WE DON'T COMMUNICATE by email or text.

Last night I thought about how I texted David the Sunday before our fondue fhe when I made my last ditch attempt to involve my leaders by asking if they could take care of paper products-knives, spoons, forks, cups, napkins. David's response to my text-CRICKETS. Sooo it's alright for him to text me about an fhe last minute change? NOOO I'm not mad anymore-I can't lie I AM upset when I think about it BUT - WE DON'T COMMUNICATE BY TEXT OR EMAIL NOT I DON'T COMMUNICATE WITH HIM THAT WAY. WEEE DON'T. HE IS NOT GOING TO IGNORE MY TEXTS AND EXPECT ME TO ACKNOWLEDE HIS. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I AM NOT DOING THIS OUT OF ANGER BUT IT IS THE WAY IT IS. IF DAVID NEEDS TO TELL ME ABOUT FHE HE CAN CALL ME DIRECTLY OR LEAVE ME A VOICE MAIL. Mindie texting me is not going to work either. If he chooses not to do this it is his choice BUT it happens this way or NOT AT ALL. I'm not angry now BUT it is the only way I can function normally with what has transpired. I'm not going to be angry if he chooses not to do this BUT it is THE ONLY WAY THIS IS GOING TO WORK FOR ME. This is something else I need to talk to him about because WE DON'T EMAIL OR TEXT EACH OTHER. ONE-WAY COMMUNICATION TO HIS BENEFIT DOES NOT EXIST BETWEEN US.

I am going to talk to him about this calmly. This is the only way I can REMAIN on good terms with him. I'm not trying to be a drama queen BUT this is the only way I can comply with his wishes AND retain my sanity AND NOT flirt with HATE. I'M NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN WITH HIM OR ANYONE!!!

It took me DAYS to get over Being livid with David. I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE!!! So I call to find out why he didn't let me know BUT you probably shouldn't do that UNTIL you R emotionally stable BUT I AM DETERMINED and he says he texted me, didn't I get it? I say no BUT... -I haven't checked AND I feel stupid so I look AND he DID let me know!!! AND it was MY fault I didn't see it. I kept thinking I need to text Krista the address BUT I'm running late, I'll text her when I get there. So Sarah and I are there and I'm mad AND I don't know why David didn't let me know and I'm still mad but do I even think to check my phone??? NOOO-I'm not texting Krista the address now so I don't until I hang up pretty quick with David because I don't like how my voice sounds. Never call someone when you are mad BUT determined NOT to be mad because you sound like an emotional idiot. AND to make it even worse I immediately see his text when I look. I turn off my phone at work so when I get busy I don't check my phone and I usually don't hear the bells going off to let me know I have a new text. SO I FEEL REALLY STUPID AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THE WORST. GRRRR!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!-I'm acting like David and assuming the worst.

Not only did it NOT happen, NO ONE TOLD ME IT WASN'T HAPPENING.

Sooo Sarah, who I invited attended with 2 fresh baked apple pies AND I brought my box of vanilla ice-cream FOR NOT A DAMN THING.

Mindie and David are full of excuses for why fhe isn't working. What happened tonight is typical.

Mindie said she assumed David would have told me. That doesn't happen when we don't communicate by text or email. Sooo he was going to send me smoke signals or come over in person to let me know???!!!

Nooo he somehow felt it was better for me AND Sarah to go all the way over there and find out. I can't believe I invited one of the sisters I visit teach to come and then it didn't happen. I feel horrible. That IS NOT the way to fellowship someone. She has a bad attitude and I take her to our nonexistent fhe to try and give her a better attitude???!!! I can't believe this happened.

We had pie with Mindie. She was so full of why fhe didn't work, why it wasn't working, why it couldn't work... I was just annoyed and she just made it worse. YES it CAN work!!! I MADE IT WORK and YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING!!! BUUUT U DO HAVE TO TRY-which doesn't mean talking ONLY to the people who show up all the time. MEET the people in your family you don't know please don't give me any more crap about how little time you have. If you are too busy to perform your church responsibilities, you are too busy.

It's a beautiful day in Logan. I feel good about it because I feel great about leaving!!! I haven't finished my thesis yet BUT I can taste it. I can see my MBA AND the ability to negotiate a sweet salary in San Diego. I will LOOOVE moving there. I may be freezing here in the Dairyland now but a move to California is EXACTLY what I need.

I'm ready to think about and discuss with myself my stupidity with Colton now.  I spent A LOT of time with Colton. That was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Colton was a student here AND 20 years younger than me. I am an idiot because first I decided I could JUST be his friend WITHOUT developing any feelings for him. BECAUSE he was YES 20 years younger, sexually active, white, convicted for being a drug dealer and had spent a year in prison because of that. He was tall, fine AND brilliant. SPIRITUAL nooo. He was raised LDS but not by active parents. His boss when he was 16 was having marital problems and decided to seduce him. He told his bishop what happened and he told Colton he would NEVER stop having sex. Way to help someone from a less active family that goes to you for help. Colton said he realized his bishop was just a man. Colton's dad is the same age as me and his mother is younger than me. He was very happy when Colton told him about his boss. He thought that was great. Colton and I would talk for hours. Eventually he would come to school and talk to me in the library WITHOUT going to class. I didn't encourage that but it still happened.

He knows the church is true but he loves sex AND drugs AND alcohol and he doesn't want to give those up. His dad encourages him to be a manslut and his mother has no problem if he drinks AND does drugs at home. We had a strange friendship. It was ALWAYS easy for me to keep him at the friend state BECAUSE there is NOOO future there at ALL. I took him to dinner and a musical for his birthday. It was fun but when I dropped him off at his car parked at Walmart in Perry he asked me to go with him to Willard to buy drugs. I told him NOOO. He asked again and again I said NOOO. As I drove through Sardine Canyon I kept thinking what the hell is my life that I have a friend 20 years younger than me that does drugs and is having sex with his high school booty call friend he supervises in Tremonton??? Yes he told me about ALL his sexual exploits.

After he graduated I wanted more. I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SPENT THE TIME I DID WITH HIM. He always invited me to these parties where they drank and did drugs. Yeah NOOO!!! He also kept trying to get me to go to a Skrillex concert with him at Saltair. Skrillex is some techno DJ who is very popular among high school kids in the area. I hung out with him once at Tremonton when another student invited me there for a baby shower. I made him come with me AND take me on a tour there. Then we went to Dennys since it was the only place open besides 7-11. We just talked and played speed. Sean Kingston also performed for free at USU. I dragged him there because my other friends were in a band that got to open for Sean Kingston. When he graduated I bought him a huge bunch of baloons. I told him I wanted more later. He said that would be great IF I wanted to give up the church AND if I'd stop trying to get him to attend AND become active. I told him NOOO BUT I was still willing to try to have a relationship because even now I still love him very much. He would tell me how much he loved me and I told him I loved him too all the time BUT it always ended there because I didn't want a relationship with him. Later when I did I am very grateful he didn't want to go there with me because I was a COMPLETE IDIOT. I really get why we shouldn't date anyone we wouldn't consider marrying. If you spend time with someone and enjoy their company, eventually you will develop feelings for them.

Colton also taught me about how blessed I am. Why did Colton end up with the parents he did? If he was raised in an active LDS home I have no doubt his choices would've been very different. His father was a dealer before Colton was born. His mother was pregnant with him when she was 16. They weren't going to get married but for some reason they did. If my brother was raised by his parents, I don't see a different outcome. It is very easy for us to judge people BUT we don't know the circumstances behind the choices people make. Understanding these things makes it easy to overlook the bad choices. Colton couldn't take me to the temple-STILL at the end I was willing to enter a relationship with him because I wanted to try to get him there. The atonement is all-encompassing and REAL. Colton never could believe he could stop what he was doing and begin anew if he wanted. He thought it was too late. I still know he can. It's not going to be with me but I hope and pray he ends up there.

He told me a lot that God was loving and that he couldn't see how he would be denied blessings because he enjoyed sex, drugs, and alcohol. He told me the church was my essence and that I would never relax what I believed. I couldn't tell him he was wrong. Actually I liked that. He told me later before he graduated and I told him I wanted more that he was going to go insane if we kept being friends. He was ALWAYS a gentleman with me however and he didn't even try to hold my hand. I didn't understand and I told him that. I miss him very much BUT I REALLY GET HOW WE SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS. IT HURT A LOT AT FIRST, BUT THAT IS THE GREATEST GIFT HE GAVE ME AND I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL TO HIM FOR DOING THAT.

I'm glad I could FINALLY get that out of my system!!! I will NEVER regret being Colton's friend however because he was there when I first moved here and didn't know anyone. I had my Tongan friends BUT they were as young as Colton just on a completely different wave length.

I love and miss Colton VERY much-that doesn't mean I am IN LOVE with him. We NEVER dated AND I wanted to be IN LOVE with him BUT we NEVER had that type of relationship.

It feels sooo good to get that out!!!

Sarah is one of the women I visit. She invited both me and Jonni but Jonni's parents cook them dinner each Sunday in Hyrum. Carline was also there. Sarah's chili was delicious. She made some yummy corn bread too. It was interesting to hear some of the things they confront. They are both divorced and have experiences I can't relate to now. We went to Margaret Oak's farewell party and then the bishop's fireside.

David has lost his compulsion to flirt with EVERY female he encounters. A good thing unless he still wants 15 girls to think he's interested. Sarah said he's dating now. I didn't ask who he was dating but if he is, it's had a good effect on him. I like this David muuuch better OR maybe it's just because our interaction is limited now. Whatever, it works. I really hope he invites some guys to fhe tomorrow. I REALLY don't want David to be the only guy again. Sarah said she'd bring an apple pie and that someone would have to bring ice-cream if she did that so I agreed. I hope more than David, Mindie, me and Sarah attend.

Sooo our activity tomorrow is eating/making pie. I hope Sarah enjoys it. I wish it was something different. It is NOT an activity that makes me WANT to attend. Instead it is something I will attend because I feel like I should. I tried to help BUT nothing I did was received well AND they were offended instead of happy I helped. I just ended up hurt and angry because they treated me like a dog. I don't care enough about Mindie for it to have affected me when she did that but I do care about David AND it was REALLY hard for me to stop hating him-I am glad I was able to overcome that. I felt a little better at the Movie night BUT Mindie didn't attend because she was "sick"-I don't know if I really believe that or not. The next day I was annoyed all over again because that's the day I tried to look him up on Linked In AND the whole process of trying to forgive him and rid myself of those bad feelings started again. BUUUT it works!!! I listened the entire day to President Uchtdorf's stop it talk and I was able to stop it!!!

I am glad Margaret talked today about forgiving and forgetting. We should forgive everyone all the time BUT we should NOT give them the access they enjoyed before. We can be kind and Christlike without putting ourself in a position to be hurt again. I have NEVER tried so hard and FAILED to be someone's friend before. I am numb now and it's just not worth it for me to try. I NEVER should've let myself care about him in the first place. It's not like any of this was a surprise. That combination of intelligence AND spirituality was too much for me to resist.

After church I felt like giving bishop my temple form so I did. People's plans change BUT until mine do I'd like to start working in the temple. Krista was talking to Sione and some other guy in the ward about getting sushi. I asked if Sione was treating and he said yes. Krista tried to change that I need to have a little chat with her-Poly boys R used to treating and often abuse non-Poly girls to treat them. There is no way in hell I'm eating anywhere without the Poly boy picking up the tab. Just. NOT. Happening. He could be related to me or not but he's paying or I'm not going. I need to talk to her about this. Poly Men ALWAYS treat-it doesn't matter who is there, they are going to pick up the tab or they're NOT going to go. The ONLY time this doesn't happen is if they are some Poly player who will get some white girl to pay for them. USUALLY the girl buys them a bunch of other stuff too. I had a lot of player friends and player cousins who would get these poor girls to buy them dinner AND me. I was always their "cousin" whether I was or not.

Poly men are raised to treat their sisters, cousins, and whoever. They are used to doing this. It doesn't mean they are interested in you if they buy you a meal, it is just good manners. If they are interested they are paying for EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME!!! They get out of their seat for a woman ALL the time, AND they do this for anyone older than them ALL the time. When we are at a Poly party the younger women make plates for the older people AND take them drinks and dessert. They ALWAYS take care of their wife first then parents especially if they are elderly, and then sisters and cousins. I hope it's not wrong that I like this. Once I tried to treat my brother to lunch and he was extremely uncomfortable and couldn't order what he really wanted. I like that. He doesn't mind buying me whatever I want to eat. We weren't raised that way BUT he has a problem with me trying to pay for him. My traditionally raised cousins will buy me anything I want wherever we are. Once I took my cousin Halatoa to the grocery store. He asked me if I needed anything. At the time I needed measuring cups so he bought them for me. That was really nice.

We are having and/or making pie at Mindie's house tomorrow at 7pm. I'm going to make sure I invite Helene, Krista and Rudy. I'm already inviting Sara. I wonder if she's inviting anyone else. It should be interesting. There is also Karen's farewell party for Margaret and the bishop's fireside. David said Mindie's bringing the pie stuff and he wanted blackberry pie. I probably should take something to help to be nice BUUUT then again they didn't ask me to bring anything AND heaven forbid I step on one of their toes EVEN if it is to make it BETTER. David did say he and Mindie would let me know if they needed anything and they didn't do that.

I looove Sundays. I hope it's good. Correction it will be good!!! We're visiting our sisters this morning-first Laura then Sarah. Followed by church. I have my temple form to fill out. I'm going to keep praying about being here another 2 years. Even if I move and can't make the 2 years I suppose it's alright. I'm going to pray about submitting it all day today and if I feel like I should I'll submit it at the end of the day. Thinking about moving has me really excited. The heater/ac man said the ac repair shouldn't take very long and shouldn't require a move on my part. I don't really want to move anywhere unless it's out of Logan. The ONLY way that'll change is if my Father in Heaven specifically tells me that.

President Groberg's talk about what is your mission tells us to move until we are told no. Sooo I am going to make plans to move now unless I receive direction otherwise. I want my family and that is the ONLY reason why I'd make that sacrifice BUT since nothing is happening here why not live where I want around people I who aren't in this little naive bubble? I'd like to be surrounded by good Asian restaurants AND NOT have the best place be Panda Express.

I am grateful for my job. I love my boss and most of my coworkers. BUT my time here is done!!! First thing to do -Finish my MBA- this is why living in Logan was worth it. I'm glad I could start the Cache Valley Library Association. This is going to look beautiful on my resume along with my MBA. I also got the consumer health medical certification AND had Stevens-Henager College Logan Library be listed as one of just 39 members of the National Network of Medical Libraries in Utah-we provide CONSUMER medical library help. That is a national certification that is good until 2015 through the National Medical Library Association!!!

The next things I'm doing:

Get my MBA

Job-hunting within the College America system!!! When I graduate I get to work for the company for 2 years since they gave me a free MBA OR pay 27,000. NOT going to do that!!! College of San Diego here I come!!! OR SLC-I can live with my mother rent free. Jonni told me Boise is fun BUT there is no way in hell I'm moving to Idaho-Logan is as bad as it is going to get. I don't care how urban Boise is-Idaho just makes me cringe.

Maybe that's why I'm completely embracing my Logan hate. I called the repairman. First I thought I hadn't turned it up enough but that's NOT it!!! This is why I'm freezing and why California sounds so good now. Of course it could be because there's an opening coming up in San Diego for me to take!!! That would be wonderful!!! I can always work in the San Diego temple!!!

I was going through some of my old papers and I came across some old journal entries from over 10 years ago. I was still trying to live by the spirit AND find my eternal companion. It made me feel sooo stupid. I am not sad none of my past relationships worked. I am glad I didn't marry any of them. I want a family and I miss that and wish I had that BUT I wasn't willing to spend eternity with any of them or have a family with them. Despite that I feel good about the decisions I made and I feel good that I was attending the temple regularly AND trying to figure out my Father in Heaven's will.

Over 10 years ago AND I STILL haven't found someone to marry. I was better then spiritually. I NEVER missed reading my Book of Mormon then. I haven't been as consistent as I need to be. I went to the temple a lot more but that was mainly because I lived two blocks from it downtown AND only worked the graveyard weekends. Every day I woke up whenever. It's easy to make reading your scriptures the first thing you do when you wake up when you don't need to be anywhere. I just had homework for library school during the week.  I've tried to follow the guidance I've received now and that hasn't worked. SOOO I am hoping and praying that means I can move now. Especially with this snow, I can't wait to get the hell out of here!!!

It's o.k. if I just have to wait for the next life. I'm not willing to settle AND even though I didn't like the eternal guidance I received, I STILL did what I could. I STILL followed the spirit and I am STILL trying to do that. I am fine and happy doing that even if I never get to have my family in this life.

The snow just convinces me more that I need to leave this freaking farm. Something that makes me excited is that I do feel like I need to complete my MBA asap. Maybe that means I'll be able to move soon. I've more than done my time in Logan!!! I've been here 2 1/2 years. All the stupid people who told me I might like it here-NOOO!!! I am moving to California. I can fly here to see my family BUUUT when I leave Logan I'm never coming back.

I tried to retrieve my voicemail but it said I didn't have enough money on it!!! NOOO!!! I paid my phone bill 6 days ago!!! So I went online and it said I owed NOTHING. I wanted to scream at someone but I'd need another phone to do that. Online it said I had a new restart date of TODAY. WHY???!!! I decided to power off because sometimes that'll work AND it DID.

Financially-this phone is better than Verizon BUT the service SUCKS!!!

I did some homework yesterday, laundry, general cleaning AND I FOUND MY CAMERA!!! Now I don't have to buy another one!!!

My mother left a loooong message on my phone about NOOOT going anywhere. The weather reports she's watching are making her trip. I did go to the store last night for necessities like milk, bread and eggs BUUUT there's nothing else I need. Actually I'd like to buy some skinless, boneless chicken thighs but I don't need to buy them this weekend. I used the last of my ground beef yesterday but I still have shrimp, spam and tuna if I get desperate.

I love that I live about 3-4 blocks from where I work, 1 block from church and I'm very close to Walmart and Macey's.

I'm going to try not to leave my apartment. I am finishing my lit review right now. I also need to interview 5 people. I actually need some fruit-apples and grapes. I haaate leaving the house when the weather is like this. I want chicken from Sam's Club but fruit from somewhere else. ORRR maybe I'll see how creative I can get with what I have and not leave ANYWHERE. If I don't eat some fruit however I'm not going to feel very good. I wonder if my homemade strawberry freezer jam counts. I'll probably get sick BUT I don't want to go anywhere else except church on Sunday. I think I will try eating from what I have in the house.

I do have about 3 liters of Diet Dr. Pepper but I've been drinking this cranberry apple juice from the dollar store that I like better AND I don't feel bloated when I drink it. I fried ground beef yesterday and I thought I was seasoning with cumin until I realized it was cinnamon. I already had onions in there. I just mixed some brown sugar and garlic in there and it is alright. I had pancakes and that strange mixture for breakfast then I ate it with mayo and french bread later. It was alright. I'd like to try it with beef NOT ground beef. I think it would be good on a roast. I need to buy nutmeg and more cumin. I can't find my cumin. I'll probably find it after I buy more.

I listened to Elder Cook's talk Can Ye feel so now before my scripture reading. I read Alma 36 twice. Sometimes especially when I read in the Book of Mormon I've read a passage so many times that I don't really think about what each verse is saying. Even when I read it the second time it is still very familiar as is the story. I don't know how to make certain things fresh anymore.

Elder Cook's talk was familiar too but he talked a lot about sexual immorality. What hit me is how grateful I am for how my culture has helped me keep that. Even the Poly boys who didn't keep those standards would NEVER attempt anything with me because they knew better. Poly players also always wanted a good girl in the end EVEN after they played around with the world. I've had friends end up with these men. Why would I want someone who didn't keep himself morally clean when I've done that?

I want someone who CHOOSES that, not someone who just hasn't had the opportunity.

 I am giving the lesson WAIT, I'm NOT!!! I arranged our visiting teaching appointments for Sunday morning or rather afternoon. Sooo I just studied and prayed about finding the right message for our sisters. I read Pres. Ucthdorf's talk Of Regrets and Resolutions. Since his talk just helped me with my forgiveness problem I appreciate ALL his talks more.

My favorite talk this past conference was Elder Holland's chuck-full-of-the-spirit, very powerful and full of authority message. STILL I saw some things this time since I read it carefully in Of Regrets and Resolutions.

I especially like this line because I am often guilty of it
"We certainly cannot do this with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship."

This is often my state BUT it is better to be there instead of not doing it at all. Eventually this changes as we are consistent and persistent.

Mor of what I like from his talk:

Discipleship is the pursuit of holiness and happiness. It is the path to our best and happiest self.

Let us resolve to follow the Savior and work with diligence to become the person we were designed to become. Let us listen to and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit. As we do so Heavenly Father will reveal things we never knew about ourselves. He will illuminate the path ahead and open our eyes to see our unknown and perhaps unimagined talents.

The more we devote ourselves to the pursuit of holiness and happiness, the less likely we will be on a path to regrets. The more we rely on the Savior's grace, the more we will feel we are on the track our Father in Heaven has intended for us.

...we must begin to walk that eternal path today; we cannot take for granted a single day.

One of the talks we studied a lot on Tuesday was Elder D. Todd Christopherson's October 2008 talk Come to Zion.

Unity, Holiness and Caring for the Poor were what he listed as essential to bring about a Zion people like the city of Enoch.

Unity
Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. (D&C 64:10).

Holiness
We are to hunger and thirst after righteousness. To come to Zion, it is not enough for you or me to be somewhat less wicked than others. We are to become not only good BUT HOLY MEN AND WOMEN. Recalling Elder Neal A. Maxwell's phrase, let us once and for all establish our residence in Zion and give up the summer cottage in Babylon (see Neal A. Maxwell, A Wonderful Flood of Light [1990],47). 

Care for the Poor
Fast offering and humanitarian projects do much.
Nevertheless, as we pursue the cause of Zion, each of us should prayerfully consider whether we are doing what we should and all that we should in the Lord's eyes with respect to the poor and the needy.

Elder Christopherson's 3 things differ from Bro. Salmond's 3 things he identified for us:

1. Eliminate Selfishness-this can be interpreted as the same as unity

2. Cooperate completely-vs. Holiness-cooperating completely is part of holiness but holiness to me requires so much more

3. Instead of care for the poor he said we need to consecrate everything and sacrifice all as we magnify our callings-Elder Christofferson isn't really clear about how to help the poor besides paying a generous fast offering and giving service. He does tell us to prayerfully consider if we are doing what we should.

Earlier in my life I struggled with my how I didn't want to become a social worker. The church has never supported the idea or notion that we should do this BUT I always thought if the Savior worked today he'd be doing something like that. I also had a lot of friends who did that AND my friend David worked for the state as a social worker for a couple years before returning to school to get his PhD. in Anthropology. The first man who REALLY impressed me when I first attended the Y was also a Social Work major and had a job at a children's shelter near the U.

I'm glad I had the chance to work as a mentor to Pacific Islander and Asian children with the Asian Association. When I worked with the kids I always felt so grateful for my life. Many of the parents did not speak English well. Often their kids were their connection with the rest of the world. There was a HUGE contrast in the lives of the Tongan kids in Glendale and the children in West Valley.

Since I'm Polynesian I was placed mostly with Tongan children. The differences I saw in kids raised in an LDS home were significant. The non-LDS Tongan kids spoke Tongan better and were more in touch with their culture, however they didn't have as much money or things most would consider "NORMAL"-they definitely were high-risk children. The language they used was awful too. The kids I worked with from West Valley-typically thought of as a bad area-lived in beautiful homes especially when compared to the homes of my kids in Glendale. They they had better language and with the exception of 1 child from Guam, were ALL LDS.

I worked at the Christmas Box House later-Salt Lake County Children's Shelter. It was here that I met with sobering reality. I no longer felt bad for those kids from Glendale, even the ones without the church. The Christmas Box House was where children were placed when parents were put in jail, when children were abused physically and sexually, when they were found without parental supervision. I read horrifying case files. One child was chained in a basement with a mattress and a bucket to use the bathroom. I gave a little girl AS IN A 4-YEAR-OLD girl who was sexually abused a bath. It was really difficult. She had electric stove rings seared on her butt. 2 children once came to the shelter. They were both too young to talk although they could walk. According to the case files the mother was found sleeping after using Meth. The kids were eating food on the table including curdled milk. These were not kids who are old enough to fix their own food. It should NOT be such a great thing to simply provide children with basic necessities BUT unfortunately IT IS. It was hard to realize that these kids and incidents happened throughout Salt Lake County.

After working there I realized how MANY problems exist and that there is NOOO way I can be a social worker. When I worked at the Christmas Box House I only worked on the weekends as in 10 hours Friday and 10 hours Saturday-these were graveyard hours. I would help my co-workers throughout the week but whenever full time positions came up and they asked me to apply I'd refuse. I was in library school and I always considered getting a job throughout the week but I never did. Finally I got a job at Overstock.com and quit the Christmas Box House.

When my mother moved here she told me to quit my job and finish library school. She told me to get a job in my field or not at all. I'm grateful for her help. Working as a substitute librarian with Salt Lake County made library school finally make sense. Although I love being a librarian I just wanted the degree to qualify for all the salaries I kept seeing. Librarians are salaried jobs with the county and although substitutes make the crappy $14 an hour, they are treated just like the librarians meaning they count on you to be on time AND to do your work BUT there is no one breathing down your neck telling you EXACTLY how to spend EVERY minute of your time. I looove public librarian work and I hope to return to that. With my MBA I will easily get into management which is what I want. Salaried jobs are the best because they are flexible.

My director encouraged me last night to stick with the company. She said I can demand a higher wage at other campuses. I told her I like the idea of San Diego and she said they have a new campus there. I wish they had more schools in California. Of course my mother is in Salt Lake and I could live with her rent-free. I wouldn't mind sticking with the company BUT I would like changing it up too. Wherever I work I'm going to substitute with the respective county library in the area.

People have moved to our campus to the Provo campus and to the Salt Lake City campuses seamlessly. I hope I find something similar. It is nice to move AND not have to look for a job. Of course it was easier for them to transfer because their positions weren't in management. I wonder how that'll work for me when it's time. I will keep my temple work commitment for 2 years and in my head I can stay here for another 2 years BUT that is longer than I planned. Maybe my temple work keeps getting stopped because I'm not meant to work there. I can work at ANY temple. It will be lovely if Heavenly Father wants me to move soon!!! I would like that VEEERY much!!! Time to pray about that.

I have received guidance that would imply I need to remain in Logan but for how long and what am I supposed to do? I need to pray more about what I've been ignoring. I know that. I looove that it's Thursday. I can't wait to just do homework, clean, cook AND eat another weekend away!!! I want to finish everything by the 15th so the harrassing can begin and my MBA can be complete before December is even considered. Vacation is coming up and I can't afford to really go anywhere BUT next year will be Hawaii for sure!!! 

I have a great boss. She is very good at reading me. My evaluation had an underlying theme she identified for me-I am very good at what I want to do but if I don't really want to do something I won't do it or give it the attention it might need. She doesn't think I'm a team player unless I want to work with my team members. She said it is alright for me to be that way as a salaried employee and in the library. She said she doesn't care if I dance on the tables if I get my work done. I do get my work done. She likes all the decorating I've done and how I've given the college a "real" library. She said it makes it look collegiate.

She said she knows I can't wait to get out of here and move on to bigger things. She said she understands that and it's alright. I looove that!!!

I am sooo happy I can see now!!! I didn't think my glasses vision was that bad but it limits the directions you can see in AND I overused my last pair of contacts until finally I had no choice BUT to go in and have my eyes checked. It was actually 80 for the exam AND a year-supply of contacts. I looove this new insurance plan!!!

My hands R extremely dry AND starting to get cuts AND bleed. I never went through this before moving to Logan. I feel like dipping them in vaseline. I did a Google search and I should slather them with vaseline then wear gloves over them and keep this on overnight for several days. This should restore them back to health. Then I should just moisturize regularly.

I should be done with work now but I'm waiting to meet with my director for my year evaluation.

I HAAATE my glasses!!! Not just because of how it looks. I can't see as well. My glasses prescription is too strong and I have to take them off to read the computer screen which is annoying. Some things are good about this-This plan  is much better. My insurance changed. My exam AND a year-supply of contacts will cost me $90 which is unbelievable!!! I remember when I didn't have insurance. An exam at Walmart once a year was 90 and then a box of 3 pairs of contacts was about 50. That is a month supply but I usually stretch it to 2 months.

I only used my insurance once last year to see a dermatologist. My wrist has this dry spot I tried EVERYTHING to get rid of. My dean said it looked like eczema. So I paid 50 for the doctor to confirm this AND give me hydrocortisone cream I still have. It cleared up but now it looks like it's here again. My hands get REALLY dry and I need to get in my lotion habit more. The dermatologist said the eczema is a reaction some people have and it is usually an irritation and reaction to something. He wanted to know if I work with paper a lot. NOOO!!! My hands are extremely dry.

It doesn't help that I try to always drink a lot of fluids that drive me to the bathroom several times a day.

Hurry up appointment!!! I want me year-supply of contacts!!!

We talked about Enoch and how he lived. Zion and how we are flippant with the word and concept. We referenced some incredible conference talks that discuss how we can attain the state Enoch and his people did. Bro. Salmond said scholars estimate the population of Enoch's city was over a million.

He mentioned 3 things we can do to obtain Zion, to live according to the plan of salvation. The 3 things are:

1. Eliminate selfishness

2. Cooperate completely

3. Lay best effort on the altar or sacrifice anything that is asked of us.-time, talents, whatever-magnify our callings.

With eliminating selfishness I was very glad to have just finished getting over my bad feelings because D. Todd Christofferson explained it by quoting the scripture President Uchtdorf kept referencing. Love your enemies, do good to them who curse you and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you. Somehow we need to have unity, pure motives-of one heart and one mind with no poor among us.

Those are the qualities that qualify us to dwell with God. We also learned about the Sabaoth or how the Lord will fight our battles for us since he is he both Lord of the Sabbath AND Lord of the Sabaoth.

My friend Sarah was excited to go home and look up those talks. I was excited to see the results of the election. I am sad. President Romney has such a nice ring to it. Now we ALL need to come together as a country.

I looove election day. If it were my choice I'd be home ALL day glued to my laptop since I don't have cable. It's the deal I made myself when I turned it off. I'm not getting it again until my MBA is done. I can see anything I want online however and WHEN I want it. Hulu also plays Korean Dramas when I am REALLY in a time-wasting mode. I haven't watched the last season of Dexter either. I love that show even if it is sympathetic to a serial killer.

Not having cable hasn't been difficult because anything I want to see I can view online for free.

My  friend Sam wrote on his facebook page that he's going to start a new thing-Stupidest things he's heard at a testimony meeting. He wrote about Devry who DID say Heavenly Father loves all his children, EVEN THE ONES IN HAITI. He wrote WOW!!! about that. My sojourn in Cache Valley has desensitized me because it didn't alarm me when I heard her say that. I know she meant no harm when she inadvertently revealed her condescending ethnocentric attitude-I doubt she even considers it-BUT that just makes it worse. In the same breath she also talked about how grateful she was to be from this country and how lucky she felt to come home. I've felt the same way. HOWEVER, I hope she entertains the notion that not EVERYONE shares this view AND that perhaps she is biased but I don't think she will.

Reading Sam's post was a reminder to me of how sheltered this valley is and of how there is no way in hell I want to raise my family here. People are kind. They are just sooo sheltered and hold all these racist and condescending attitudes they aren't even aware they have.

People are multifaceted. It doesn't matter where I am. I will always confront this. It just seems like there is much more of it here. I feel like I'm always going to be underestimated. That is not necessarily a bad thing. There are things I enjoy using to my advantage because of that. People are always going to think I'm younger than I am. I don't mind that. They will also assume I'm stupid. I DO mind that although I really shouldn't. I'm extra-sensitive about it and sometimes I overcompensate and am condescending. Instead I should let it happen and exploit it. O.K. that doesn't sound good. Exploit it with pure motives? NO, I think I need a better word than exploit. Choose to be kind even when and especially when others treat me badly and assume I don't know that they have done that-much better although maybe not as fun initially.

David gets the same thing. He looks a lot younger than he is and I know people underestimate him all the time. He is extremely intelligent AND spiritual. He has the testimony AND commitment required to lead BUT his youthful appearance will make it so he constantly has to prove himself before someone recognizes that BUT it will happen when it really matters.

All those great things and I am still well aware of his faults, weaknesses and recurring subpar performance.

BUT we all have that. Why did I have to see so much of it?

I don't hate him. I have seperated his actions from him. Last night I saw him WITHOUT those bad feelings. He has definitely done things I hate BUT I am very happy to say I don't hate him OR anyone!!! Heavenly father WILL help us with our challenges however silly they seem. After testimony meeting Sunday I felt like my problem was so silly AND it is BUT it was still my challenge that kept me from being who I want to be. On my mission I remember constantly praying for my investigators to soften their hearts. This is the first time I had to pray as hard as I did and work as hard as I did to soften my own heart. BUT doing what I already know I need to do worked.

I can't wait to discover who will be my president for the next 4 years!!!

Yes I'm STILL up doing some laundry.

I've been stagnant AND ignoring what I shouldn't. I may not know exactly what to do BUT I know how to find out and I haven't been even trying. I know that is the biggest reason I need to get it together. I love how the Diet Dr. Pepper feels in my throat BUT it's making me feel bloated like I have a watermelon tummy. NOOOT comfortable. I need to buy some cranberry apple juice again from the dollar store.

My mom used to take me and my brother to the bishop museum in Hawaii when we were young. I was really spoiled. This was one big room about the size of my second floor. Anthropology reminds me too much of my friend David who got his PhD in Anthropology at the University of Washington. One of his huge problems is with scholars who study other cultures and form judgements from their own usually American or British culture. Margaret Mead is an anthropologist who studied and wrote about Samoa. Many Pacific Islander scholars resent her work that they view as limited and condescending. David is fluent in Tongan and hopes to produce work that can be studied WITH his understanding of the language and culture that he thinks will give a more accurate portrayal of Tongan culture. I agree with David. The only thing I hope he does is make clear that even with his descriptions and views, it is still HIS and may not be shared by everyone even if he is Tongan.

I worked at the Daily Utah Chronicle-the newspaper at the University of Utah. I hated that whenever they did a story or included something they thought might possibly offend a minority they would ask me if I found it offensive. I tried to explain but I don't think they ever got it. I would say-speaking for ALL minorities EVERYWHERE I feel and then I'd express how I felt.

Walking up the stairs was NOT good for me. That air had me hacking EVEN when I sat down to listen to the presentation. I wasn't a very good patron. I was bored, not impressed AT ALL at what was there AND I had to leave to get a drink of water during the middle of the docent's speech. I didn't listen to him. I just tried to find someone who didn't park at the bottom of the hill so they could give me a ride to my car. Jen was very sweet. Although she parked down the hill she said she'd go get her car and pick me up. She tried to tell me where to wait for her and I needed her to actually physically show me. NOOO I don't know where the quad is or even old main!!!

I know where the Taggart student center is because I went to the luau there the first year I lived in Logan. I know where the frat houses are because my friend's band played there once. I also went to a frat party briefly to see how Neva Sleep Entertainment threw parties when I first moved to Logan. I considered working with them on the weekends. I'm glad I didn't.

I saw David and although I didn't talk to him, I didn't hate him when I saw him. He was talking to Jared so yeah NOT talking to him then. I asked Jen if there was somewhere we could go for ice-cream so I could thank her for going out of her way to give me a ride. We went to Aggie ice-cream. I was hoping their half-cartons would be less there but NOOO they aren't-same price at Maceys BUT sooo worth it.

I'm glad I went!!! I didn't feel horrible when I saw David!!! I just listened to president Uchtdorf's talk ALL day today while I worked. I think that did the trick and I am fine now. I saw Sarah-I'm proud of her for coming tonight. She's not feeling her fhe group and she said she wasn't going to go anymore. I told her to come to ours. I wonder what it is.