Urban Poly Princess

It's a beautiful day in Logan. I feel good about it because I feel great about leaving!!! I haven't finished my thesis yet BUT I can taste it. I can see my MBA AND the ability to negotiate a sweet salary in San Diego. I will LOOOVE moving there. I may be freezing here in the Dairyland now but a move to California is EXACTLY what I need.

I'm ready to think about and discuss with myself my stupidity with Colton now.  I spent A LOT of time with Colton. That was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Colton was a student here AND 20 years younger than me. I am an idiot because first I decided I could JUST be his friend WITHOUT developing any feelings for him. BECAUSE he was YES 20 years younger, sexually active, white, convicted for being a drug dealer and had spent a year in prison because of that. He was tall, fine AND brilliant. SPIRITUAL nooo. He was raised LDS but not by active parents. His boss when he was 16 was having marital problems and decided to seduce him. He told his bishop what happened and he told Colton he would NEVER stop having sex. Way to help someone from a less active family that goes to you for help. Colton said he realized his bishop was just a man. Colton's dad is the same age as me and his mother is younger than me. He was very happy when Colton told him about his boss. He thought that was great. Colton and I would talk for hours. Eventually he would come to school and talk to me in the library WITHOUT going to class. I didn't encourage that but it still happened.

He knows the church is true but he loves sex AND drugs AND alcohol and he doesn't want to give those up. His dad encourages him to be a manslut and his mother has no problem if he drinks AND does drugs at home. We had a strange friendship. It was ALWAYS easy for me to keep him at the friend state BECAUSE there is NOOO future there at ALL. I took him to dinner and a musical for his birthday. It was fun but when I dropped him off at his car parked at Walmart in Perry he asked me to go with him to Willard to buy drugs. I told him NOOO. He asked again and again I said NOOO. As I drove through Sardine Canyon I kept thinking what the hell is my life that I have a friend 20 years younger than me that does drugs and is having sex with his high school booty call friend he supervises in Tremonton??? Yes he told me about ALL his sexual exploits.

After he graduated I wanted more. I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SPENT THE TIME I DID WITH HIM. He always invited me to these parties where they drank and did drugs. Yeah NOOO!!! He also kept trying to get me to go to a Skrillex concert with him at Saltair. Skrillex is some techno DJ who is very popular among high school kids in the area. I hung out with him once at Tremonton when another student invited me there for a baby shower. I made him come with me AND take me on a tour there. Then we went to Dennys since it was the only place open besides 7-11. We just talked and played speed. Sean Kingston also performed for free at USU. I dragged him there because my other friends were in a band that got to open for Sean Kingston. When he graduated I bought him a huge bunch of baloons. I told him I wanted more later. He said that would be great IF I wanted to give up the church AND if I'd stop trying to get him to attend AND become active. I told him NOOO BUT I was still willing to try to have a relationship because even now I still love him very much. He would tell me how much he loved me and I told him I loved him too all the time BUT it always ended there because I didn't want a relationship with him. Later when I did I am very grateful he didn't want to go there with me because I was a COMPLETE IDIOT. I really get why we shouldn't date anyone we wouldn't consider marrying. If you spend time with someone and enjoy their company, eventually you will develop feelings for them.

Colton also taught me about how blessed I am. Why did Colton end up with the parents he did? If he was raised in an active LDS home I have no doubt his choices would've been very different. His father was a dealer before Colton was born. His mother was pregnant with him when she was 16. They weren't going to get married but for some reason they did. If my brother was raised by his parents, I don't see a different outcome. It is very easy for us to judge people BUT we don't know the circumstances behind the choices people make. Understanding these things makes it easy to overlook the bad choices. Colton couldn't take me to the temple-STILL at the end I was willing to enter a relationship with him because I wanted to try to get him there. The atonement is all-encompassing and REAL. Colton never could believe he could stop what he was doing and begin anew if he wanted. He thought it was too late. I still know he can. It's not going to be with me but I hope and pray he ends up there.

He told me a lot that God was loving and that he couldn't see how he would be denied blessings because he enjoyed sex, drugs, and alcohol. He told me the church was my essence and that I would never relax what I believed. I couldn't tell him he was wrong. Actually I liked that. He told me later before he graduated and I told him I wanted more that he was going to go insane if we kept being friends. He was ALWAYS a gentleman with me however and he didn't even try to hold my hand. I didn't understand and I told him that. I miss him very much BUT I REALLY GET HOW WE SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS. IT HURT A LOT AT FIRST, BUT THAT IS THE GREATEST GIFT HE GAVE ME AND I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL TO HIM FOR DOING THAT.

I'm glad I could FINALLY get that out of my system!!! I will NEVER regret being Colton's friend however because he was there when I first moved here and didn't know anyone. I had my Tongan friends BUT they were as young as Colton just on a completely different wave length.

I love and miss Colton VERY much-that doesn't mean I am IN LOVE with him. We NEVER dated AND I wanted to be IN LOVE with him BUT we NEVER had that type of relationship.

It feels sooo good to get that out!!!