Urban Poly Princess

Since my home teaching was Anthony's talk at the Chinese ward and I missed Rich because he had something come up, I am reading the first presidency message. How else am I going to learn what it is?

Henry B. Eyring - Service and Eternal Life
One of the assurances that you are being purified is an increasing desire to serve others for the Savior. Home teaching and visiting teaching become more of a joy and less of a chore. You find yourself volunteering more often in a local school or helping care for the poor in your community. Even though you may have little money to give to those who have less, you wish you had more so that you could give more.
“But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant”
The Lord had used me as an instrument to answer a prayer and serve one of His children in need. I know that promptings are divine instructions from a wise, glorious Father. When we put aside our fears, we allow Him to manifest His power through our obedience.

I have absolutely no problem following divine instructions. I have no fear. What I do have a problem with is the aftermath. When I just repeatedly feel like an idiot, I definitely don't want more humiliation. I'm not in to self-flagellation. That is NOT the way of the gospel. The Catholic standard is NOT reality. Is my discernment screwed up? I feel like the spirit keeps crying wolf with me and I'm sick of it.
What is always wrong with my damn leap of faith. I feel like I keep taking it only to wind up on the floor. I fail to see how I've gained ANYTHING thus far or how I'll gain ANYTHING again by doing the same thing. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? I want this to happen another way if at all. While I want to follow the spirit I have done what I consider waaay more than enough over and over again. Haven't I finished all I need to do? When have I done enough and when do I get a break. Men are that they might have joy. When do I get to have joy and if I'm not getting joy can't I just get an absence of feeling anything? Can't I be shown something else?