Urban Poly Princess

He's sweet, I like having family in Smithfield. The coming over thing however is sooo old and I am sooo over it BUT I don't know how to handle this the way I'm supposed to handle it. If it's not friends it's family apparently EVEN in Logan. Weird and I'm not sure how to deal with this. Hene finished work at Walmart at 9pm tonight. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to go home now. Weird and ANNOYING. What to do, what to do!!! He and his entire family helped me the whole day when I had that BBQ. I hung out with Melissa who is leaving soon to Virginia with Dillards. I'm glad I got to know her in the presidency because she is really sweet AND she lives her life by and with the guidance of the spirit.

My friend was there tonight with a sweet girl in the ward he's dated before. Of course that's not really saying anything when he's dated at least half the women in the ward. I don't think they were on a date but who knows. I AM TRYING. I remember the time when I felt like I was called to repentance. I attempted to talk to him about his thesis BUT that was a BUST. I try but then I'm just reminded about why I don't want to do that BUT I know that I'll be blessed regardless even if it is in the next life with someone else so until I get different direction that's what I'll keep doing. It just feels like I'm standing still and I HAAATE that.

Bishop was saying guys go for looks too much and more than girls do BUT there's NO ONE in our ward who even tempts me. I'm not thin anymore BUT I only want someone fine. I'm still attracted to men A LOT younger than me AND looks are important to me. My friend is attractive to me BUT if he hadn't checked me out in the first place I wouldn't have bothered to look closer OR realize he is attractive up close. He doesn't stand out UNLESS you talk to him. I feel like I know him really well BUT that doesn't make sense at all.

Bishop's wife was saying you have to go out on at least 3 dates with someone before you know if there's something there. I don't agree with that. I know right away if I want to get to know someone better. If my friend wanted to date me he could AND he shouldn't date me if he doesn't want to do that either. Like I want to go out with anyone who doesn't want to see me.

STILL there are many things I can't and won't deny BUT free agency is sacred. I AM making a choice to follow the spirit inasmuch as I can. It is my choice and I accept full responsibility for whatever happens OR DOESN'T because of that choice.

It's very annoying. It's not like I'm shy at all. I have no problem talking to anyone IF I WANT TO TALK TO THEM that is. I'm sick of getting direction with my friend which is as old as my uncle coming over here because NOTHING is happening there AND I DON'T like doing EVERYTHING which is really NOTHING!!! How am I supposed to trust something when I try and it is just a waste of my time???!!!

I just had a looong talk with my mother about my uncle who we finally decided I just need to continue to offer service to and pretty much just deal with it. I should see this as an opportunity to give service and it is. In the future I might need my Tongan extended family and I am happy he feels comfortable hanging out here. If I told my dad's brother in Provo he'd make a big deal out of nothing and alienate them. If my dad was alive he would NEVER come over to my house just because my dad has always spoiled me and treated me like a princess AND expected everyone else to do that. My mother and I decided perhaps it's just my turn to give service.

Tongan-culture-wise I'm like his daughter sooo I need to deal with this better. I know I get slack because I'm only 1/2 Tongan BUUUT it's still difficult for me. I don't know if I was just a spoiled brat because I've never had to serve any of my Tongan relatives like this before although I know other people do. My Tongan friend went to Dixie with one of her brothers. She would cook for him EVERY night and tell me how her friends didn't understand because they weren't raised that way. I didn't have the heart to tell her I DIDN'T understand because I wasn't raised that way either.

Challenges continue to present themselves. The bishop had the spirit tonight. I attend those firesides BECAUSE he is my spiritual leader the Lord has given me now. NOT because I expect to receive answers to ANY deep doctrinal questions I haven't already searched for answers when I was at BYU-any of them. We have the internet and lds.org now. He did say how he trusted Heavenly Father would help him love his wife when he didn't even know her. I already love my friend although I'm not in love with him I don't think it would be hard to get to that state. I feel like I know him really well although I haven't spent the amount of time I should to get to this point. I feel like he knows me really well too. Perhaps because our friendship has been filled with so much drama. It's ridiculous.