Urban Poly Princess

I called the temp agency and the job I wanted there was filled and they don't have anything else I'm interested in doing. I also called the City library to check the status of my application and she told me they haven't even begun reviewing applications. I told her I was interested in being considered for several positions which she said is just fine but I need to apply for each. REALLY???!!! Fun, fun, fun.

I could really use a job. It is so tough to remain positive and happy and I feel like a broken record. I need to have faith. I am praying about it, I've fasted about it and I even got my bishop to give me a blessing. I know I have to continue to maintain everything else, scripture reading, I am also going to be more consistent with reading an extra conference talk. I was reading 2 Nephi 5:27 that says And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness. When I looked for a conference talk I chose Boyd K. Packer's Something happiness talk. OF COURSE it was on marriage and families is the source of all happiness.

I know that. It is impossible to be single and LDS in this world and not know that. Today is the last day in June I don't try to get to know anyone else better. Tomorrow all bets are off. I am eliminating annoying - that just means I am going to force myself to get to know other men better. That is fun and exciting to me but so is annoying. I am not going to avoid him but I'm not avoiding the huge Mid singles scene in SLC either.

I have limited myself to my ward but I don't want to do that anymore. I just need a job to get to all the many activities all over the valley. If only my gas, insurance and phone were free. Life is amazing and I am so grateful for mine. I have so much even with no job and no boyfriend.

Today we had 4 couples who used to be in the ward who are now married share their stories with us. It was great to hear their experiences. They all shared how they strove to be at their spiritual peak before and during their engagements. One woman shared how it was fine that her engagement was so quick because she was older so she already had her identity.

I heard them talk about doubts they had and then realizations too. Friendship is essential but then I've always believed that. I am grateful for whatever my brief interaction with annoying did. I have no doubt he is who I should be with but I still have no indication of that happening whatsoever. That certainly doesn't mean my or his happiness is dependent on that because that would frustrate the entire plan of salvation and free agency which is so very sacred. I know I can find happiness with someone else and I will actively try to do that soon. Not that I care about annoying any less, I care about him very much BUUUT as strong as those feelings are, reality is nothing is happening there and there is nothing I can think of doing that will change that now. Maybe something will change but then maybe not too. One thing I did like hearing is what one of the girls said which was basically Heavenly Father can orchestrate events any way he wants at the proper time which may not be what we want.

I am grateful I met Steve because there are so many things I like about him that I didn't see at first. I know there are many more LDS men out there who with I could build a happy life together. There are other men with solid testimonies and other attractive characteristics. The divine stamp of approval however is hard to beat. I will always go with that over anything else no matter how painful it might be.

It is fun and I am excited to check out some of these other wards and activities. One woman talked about how she moved here when she didn't want to do that. My mother FINALLY accepts that I received an answer to my prayer about where I should be. I told her Heavenly Father told me specifically it didn't matter where I went and that I could build his kingdom wherever I wanted to do that. She said I said initially that Heavenly Father told me it was up to me. YES that's what I said!!! She got off on her dream saying she saw grandma Hotaia who told her I would find my husband if I went somewhere else. She has changed her tune now. She keeps forgetting these instances and then she wonders why I don't hang on her every word when she tells me she had a warning for me.

Another thing bishop said in my blessing that was very significant to me is he told me God will specifically interrupt my life to bring to pass his will and that I will know when he is doing that. Getting fired over nothing substantial was an extremely dramatic interruption and I know exactly why that happened. I'm sure there is more. I don't doubt that. I wonder if that's why I was told I could date Steve but I couldn't marry him. I was going to marry him anyway, I know that. He had to be the one to walk away. I wonder if he was told the same thing. He is so naive about so many things. His faults however are not important. They are minor things that would cause friction but nothing we couldn't work out. I may have had to convince myself to go there in the first place but I was alright with that. He has a solid testimony, faith and actively lives the gospel. It is the most important thing to him and that's obvious.

Bishop White didn't give me any specific advice although he did bless me with help to know what to do and say for me to find a job that uses my talents. It is what I wanted however in many ways. I am doing what I should to get a job. I feel good about my interview skills too. I would hire me. I know that sounds very cocky but it is true and I don't have an inflated ego. It is what I believe. He gave me a hug at the end. Very unexpected but very kind and very sweet. I expected him to go off about something but he didn't.

I was extremely tired Saturday and I was sister 1 for the 6am session. It was so difficult to keep my eyes open although somehow I managed to get through it. I didn't eat anything either and I was fine until my initiatory post at 9am. It was around 5 minutes to my last post and I began to feel lightheaded. Since I have these ordinances down cold a single word can set me off on whatever comes next. I had to do an ordinance over again because I started to mix up part of it with a prayer. NOT GOOD but good that I caught myself. I'm fine if I actually think about what I'm doing. I was on autopilot and since then I had to concentrate.

There are always so many Polynesians I see each Saturday. I'm happy about that. I rode in the elevator with a Tongan father of the bride and he told me he remembered me from my mission to Salt Lake City. He told me I was a sister Lauti then. Uh... no... I told him my father's name and that I served my mission in Sacramento and that there's someone who must look like me. He said it was about 10 years ago. I didn't feel like telling him it was actually over 20 years ago now. My dad would've been 72 now if he was still alive. This man looked like he was in his 50s.

Bishop attended ward temple night. The same women attend each time. No one but Steve was consistent with the guys. We did sealings. I looked up this guy because I didn't know his name and he was my partner for some of the sealings. It is Kent Pitcher. I remember him from a Sunday school class I attended because he said something and the spirit was definitely there. He is short although not as short as Steve and he isn't unattractive even with his receding hairline. At our veeery hooot BBQ Friday however he killed any thought of getting to know him better at all. He went out of his way to be very friendly to me and to sit by me.

My friend Sam sat near me too. He is divorced and has several daughters. Kent began complaining about his ex-wife and how she reported him for bringing religion to his children all the time. Hell to the nooo!!! He also made sure to talk about how old he was in front of me. He is 43. Hahaha - I love how he and Steve assumed I'd have a problem with their ages. NOOO it is actually the divorced with several children I have a huge problem with.

I've eliminated a lot of people in my head because of that. I just think ANY 2 people can make a marriage work if they both work on it. Of course the church allows them to attend the ward so I shouldn't hold that against anyone. The 4th of July is fast approaching. I am grateful the temple is closed for most of July anyway. I neeed this break. My interview with Trish is on Monday the 6th at 2pm. If I get that Youth services librarian position I'm going to have to change my temple shift. Returning to Wednesday nights is perfect for me.

I haven't heard from annoying at all so I think I'm going to have to eliminate him soon. Two more days are left in June. I hope he is doing well and I wish him the best. At least we got rid of the hostility. I am happy about that ALTHOUGH I wish there were more. Despite his temper I never have seen him violent I know a relationship with him would require a lot of work but I feel like I've done a lot of that already. I remember spending the 4th with him and other ward members that one year. I ALSO spent the 24th with him that year for Pioneer Day that I decided to stay in Logan for. What a huuuge mistake that was. He was on a date with Julie who I thought was sooo great at the time. I still think she's great just not the way I first supposed when I actually spent time with her and got to know her better. Her feelings about her mission really disappointed me. She's not as bright as she first seems either. I hope she is happy with her new husband right now.

I had to tell annoying I didn't EVER want to hang out with him and his date. I cannot believe I had to tell him that. I know his experience was limited but I seriously wanted to kill him. My friend Jonni was also there. Sooo NOOOT cool. He is an idiot if he didn't know Jonni liked him a whole hell of a lot. She is very cool and sweet. It is extremely bad form to be on a date AND be on that date with 2 other women who like you. I went out of my way to tell him that because I wanted to avoid a repeat.

It was certainly bad enough to be in his FHE group with a bunch of women who attended just because he was there. A couple FHEs had him as the sole man with a bunch of women. After helping him and Mindy with that one FHE I was sooo done. If I hadn't agreed to do the next one, I would not have helped. I was working on my thesis for the last one but really I was never going to Mindy's house again. I really tried to help our group but after working veeery hard to pull off something well-attended and done well and having him pretend not to have read my email at our singles conference I was ticked and it just got worse when he didn't lift a finger to help me. Mindy did.

So why the hell do I still want something with annoying???!!! Revisiting these incidents in my mind makes me upset. BUUUT he is solid spiritually, brilliant, fun, is finishing school even if he's not done. He actually spent time working full time so he knows how to do that. He doesn't have an ex-wife, divorce or children. Even if he began having make-out sessions with every girl he's dated in the past 3-4 years I've known him, it is still better than the average LDS man who believes anything but sex is just fine before marriage.

In 2 days June will be done. That is my time-limit I've given myself for annoying. I should probably contact him but I don't want to email him or Facebook him and I got rid of his number the last time I did that. I wish he would contact me somehow but although I never doubted he wants that, unless he shows some effort it doesn't ultimately make a difference.

Yesterday since I didn't get those 2 county jobs I decided to expand my search. I have an interview today at 1pm with Elwood Staffing. It is another temp agency but this time it is a job I'd enjoy. It's a loan verifier and it's for 4 months. In the meantime I am still going to apply for a job I really want. It is the Draper office where my interview is scheduled. Temp agencies typically pay once a week which I could REALLY use since my money is running out.

Trish from the Magna library called me. I'm trying to think of why I didn't get that Children's/Youth Librarian position with Riverton and West Jordan and I know my weakness is I don't have Children's librarian experience but I need to emphasize my mentor experience and the Christmas Box House experience as well as teaching primary and seminary. I am thinking I could have got those jobs if I had done that. I have everything else. It is weird to be interviewing with Trish especially since she is one of my references I use. BUT I'll enjoy seeing the library which I haven't seen since it was relocated. It is one of the newer libraries which of course will be nice.

I want to be groomed to be a county manager and I like Trish's management style. Karl also works there and he is fun. One of the rare younger good-looking guys who actually became a librarian. His wife is a clerk at the Herriman library. I am the atypical librarian too. It would be great to be the best-looking librarians in the county. Laurina is a pretty children's librarian too. I would be working with her a lot if I get this position. I would enjoy that very much. I have to emphasize my experience with children at my interview on July 6th. It is a 30 hour position that would leave me time for Real Estate too AND blogging. I need to develop a librarian blog as soon as I get my librarian job or even if I don't.

Today is my friend Jodie's wedding in Logan. I am so mad I can't make it there but work and not enough money make it so I can't afford to drive there and celebrate with her.

I didn't get the West Jordan OR Riverton Youth Services Librarian position. I think Magna may interview me next and I submitted for the assistant manager position at the Bingham Library. I would looove to work there. I know all the librarians who used to work there anyway. Kevin used to be the assistant manager. I wonder where he went.

I don't think annoying is violent or I wouldn't be led there. His temper is no joke however. It's not like men I've dated in the past haven't been angry at times, they just haven't made me ever feel scared. I wonder what it was about Sonny that was wrong. I remember having a dream I was married to him and living in Vegas. I just remember I was unhappy. Maybe because it's such an ingrained Poly value. I'm sure I'm very naive when I think that but I do think that. My friend Laite just gave birth. I just saw her in the temple for her sister's wedding and I didn't even know she was pregnant.

I am really praying for assistance in my job-hunt. I'm trying not to let it consume me and attend ward activities as well. I need to expand my job choice now. I don't want to be pigeon-holed as an academic librarian however. I know without a doubt Trish likes me and could hire me for the Children's Librarian position. Despite that I would like the assistant manager job at Bingham more. I didn't even get an interview when I applied for the West Jordan one and it may be the same again but it would be fabulous if it wasn't.

I am worried about my mother. I think when she slapped me my nose would have started bleeding sooner or later. I think that shocked her that she hit me hard enough I started bleeding. Interesting. My parents always told me to work on everything when I get married EXCEPT physical abuse. That is when I should leave. I don't have a bruise and my face doesn't hurt anywhere. I was seriously wondering if I should leave my mother's house and move to Happy Valley with my brother and his family but I'm worried about her right now.

She was so hurt. She kept telling me it is her spiritual gift. I told her that's fine but she is taking it too far when people call her to ask for interpretation or counsel with that. She was so offended by that but I maintained God doesn't work that way and she doesn't have the authority to do that. I know it raised her blood pressure. She's been better this morning. I hope she finds something to keep her content. She went to the Family History Library this morning.

I tried to call George after it happened and then I left George a message to call me on Facebook. Alisa left a message that he'd get back on Sunday. He texted me from Italy to call him so I did again. He told me I called him at 2am the first time. I should've checked and called him at an appropriate time. I told him what happened and how I was worried about mom. He told me it is probably a hormonal thing. I just want my mother to be alright.

I don't know why she doesn't get that she shouldn't be counseling anyone. I kept telling her that's not how God works. It just gets her more and more upset.

I just had a huge blow-up with my mother. I told her she is wrong for counseling people if they have dreams and for giving them her wisdom because she has absolutely no authority to do that. She said it is her spiritual gift and she doesn't need authority to do that or priesthood. She also started quoting scriptures at me. I told her she is wrong and taking it too far. She slapped me in the face and my nose started bleeding. Ironic that I just wrote about violence and here she is committing it. I don't know how she got so off.

INSTEAD of addressing the issue she turned to my faults, how I misspend my money and don't have a job sooo I need to repent and acknowledge her wisdom apparently or I just won't get a job. She is from hell when she acts like this. I told her she is evil and from Satan. She told me I am breaking a covenant and she knows that because she had a dream that told her that.

Last night there was a table with a black table-cloth, 2 folding chairs and brochures with the utah symphony's schedule. No one was sitting there so I did. There were 3 guys from my ward sitting right in front of me. Teancum, Mike and Bradley. They were all sweet and shared their chips and chicken with me. I just sat there and if anyone told me I had to get off I would've but no one did so I enjoyed the entire concert from my seat provided by the orchestra. I'm surprised no one else showed up. Some guy did come and get his table-cloth and brochures but he said the table and chairs weren't his. They belonged to someone I am grateful for providing that for me.

Mira came and talked to us for a minute. She said people from our ward were seated around the park. I saw a bunch in the center but why would I leave my chair and table and sit on the ground? No thank you. I miss all the times I used to get to listen to the orchestra when I ushered. It just got to be old. We had to sign up for 3 events a month which isn't bad at all. I just got sick of doing it although seeing all the different events never got old. I am very critical of live productions now however.

I need to apply for the Marmalade positions since they are posted now.

I went to our FHE which was the Utah Symphony at the Gallivan Center. I love classical music. They played Beethoven first which made me think of how I used to work out to classical music on my mission. I used to usher the symphony, opera and musicals at abravanel hall, the rose wagner performing arts center and the capital theatre. On the way to the concert I was trying to figure out why I was tripping about annoying and his proclivity to violence. I've never actually seen him get violent although I have seen him lose his temper many times over nothing. To be fair I lose my temper quickly too.

He gets along really well with Bro. Bevan. He drove me and others to the corn maze. There was some other older couple who rode with us. They got lost in the maze and we ended up waiting over 1/2 an hour for them. I know he was angry but there are ways to get your message across without being an asshole and that is the only way I can describe his behavior to the couple. He should not have done that and certainly not in front of us. People are imperfect and are going to disappoint us again and again. That is part of life and as frustrating as it is we need to learn to roll with the punches. It was a horrible example to give us who were his ward members. That is one of the first experiences I had with a member of this bishopric. It was the first activity I attended in the ward.

Once we had one of those dinners at Pizza Pie Cafe and I was trying to text him and at least preserve our friendship. I was joking with him but somehow he missed that and he got all bent out of shape over nothing. Finally it got so bad I had to call him to try to clear it up but it just got worse. He told me I didn't know him and not to get him mad, it felt like he was saying if I kept teasing him which was what I was trying to do while he just kept getting more and more upset. It felt like he was threatening me that he might do something violent if I didn't tell him what he wanted. That was really freaky. I was really scared of him that night and sad we couldn't communicate normally. I don't want that.

That is not the person I want or the behavior I want. Why would my father in heaven lead me there with all of this? I have to be wrong and I hope I am wrong. Someone with so much going for them certainly shouldn't be perfect but it is ironic that with all the huge Poly men I've dated I'd only ever been scared of one who isn't Poly and looks white although he's only half. I was watching this reality show the MDs of Vanderbilt. There is a surgeon on the show who is brilliant but a jerk. He's the one I was attracted to even with the other two male doctors who were kind and just as good-looking and brilliant. Is there something wrong with me that this is what I gravitate to?

Day 1 of the waiting game. The City just posted for 3 librarian positions at their new Marmalade location. I am definitely posting for that position. I wanted to be the manager there. Even if dreams are my mother's gift I don't think it follows that she is supposed to interpret these dreams for anyone. I keep telling her she's not a prophet. She just gets offended. I don't know how to help her. She will research all sorts of things to support whatever interpretation she gets by finding stuff in the Ensign or scriptures to support that then mail it to them.

I gave Brent some sugarfree chocolate for Father's Day yesterday. Nakita just purchased her first house. It is in Sugarhouse and when she described it to me it made me think of when and where I lived in Sugarhouse. Trippy! I told her I lived with Shannon Kinikini at Dan and Mayone's house who are my parents college friends. Dan is related to my father but it is pretty far but I guess when you get along with someone you like to emphasize how you are related. Sort of like Tongan dating. When your parents or family don't like them but can't identify anything wrong with them they'll say you are related. If not if you are related and you bring that up they will emphasize that yes, you are related but it's far.

I was thinking seriously about annoying earlier today. I don't like his temper. It scares me. I don't think he would just randomly hit someone but I don't know about if he was provoked. I don't like this. I was thinking of how he'd react if I threw a drink in his face. I don't want to do that and I don't think I ever would but what if I was weak and angry and behaved that way? I can't say he'd just walk away from me. That one time I was being unreasonable when he said something about the Hawaiian pioneers I was livid. I did start to attack him verbally. He just walked away. Why am I assuming the worst? I don't usually fly off the handle like that but what if I did. I think walking away is the best reaction. Why am I afraid he'd hit me? I am sure I can be provocative in a mean way sometimes. BUT he probably has seen me at my worst. He never hit me then. Why did I think about this today? Violence is never acceptable. Throwing a drink over someone is never acceptable too. I've never actually done that to anyone. Why is my mind playing the what if game?

I got there late as in a whole hour late. Yesterday instead of taking my usual nap I went to my Tongan friend's wedding shower for her future daughter in law. It was so nice and she was so sweet to do that. Although that was nice I came home and relaxed before going to stake conference. I can't believe I woke up late and got there a whole hour late. I'm going to my cousin Noelani's house in West Jordan for their family BBQ for Brent. I'm taking a strawberry cake. I'm topping it with cream cheese mixed with sugar and cool whip and then cut fresh strawberries.

I love having cousins and family in general here. I love and miss my dad so much. George is in Italy for work. His family put up posts on Facebook describing how much they love and miss him. I need to wish him a happy Father's day too. Today the visiting authority Elder Munk counseled us to keep the sabbath day holy and to expect blessings unforseen.

I went home and broke the sabbath day on the way to pick up eggs for my cake. It is now the week of waiting to see if the county decided to hire me or not. One week. In the meantime I did apply for a part time position with LDS Business College as well as a job with the City Library.

The talks were so good. President Foster one of the counselors in the Stake Presidency just impresses me more and more. I think he must be retired. In addition to his stake duties he is an ordinance worker on Saturdays. He related a story about someone he volunteers with once a week at a homeless shelter. He looks about retirement age. He is someone who personifies being anxiously engaged. I wish I were that great.

Today at my temple shift one of my friend's sisters got married. She is so pretty and it was good to see Laite there too. Polynesian weddings make me miss my culture. Despite that living in Logan made me see how nice it is to meet someone who is as intelligent as me. For years I would never even consider dating someone white. For many, many years. Living in Logan is the only thing that made me get over that.

I wonder if that's what Steve has a problem with. He is very naive about that stuff, I can tell. I don't like that but how different really was I? Now I don't think I'll marry someone Polynesian. Funny I had friends who were only interested in white men but I never got it. One of my first mission leaders told me I wouldn't marry someone Polynesian. I told him he was stereotyping Polynesians and that they weren't all the same.

I went to check out this Asian Store downtown called Ocean City. I bought shrimp crackers and a Lycee carbonated drink. I've had shrimp crackers many times before so it was nothing unusual but the lychee drink was delicious. I am definitely buying it again. I love my culture but I love that my nieces and nephews were never attached to the idea of marrying someone Polynesian. I think their attitudes are healthier. It is only the gay nephew who is dating someone Samoan. Most of them are married now and their partners are all white.

We just finished our 8-week fitness challenge. I wanted to see how and if I would lose any weight without adding weight training or adjusting my eating. I have felt fatigue these past few days and I am sure now it's due to NOT adding weight training or adjusting my diet. Monday is my new day to return to eating habits. I hate having no energy. I used to just workout in the morning. That solved the fatigue. Not anymore. I have to eat well too now and to change my body I know I need to add weights and an evening cardio sesh. I used to go skating in Logan. I know I can go to Liberty Park and do that again but I don't feel good enough although sitting at home isn't going to help me get better.

My skin has this translucent thing. I remember when Gwen's roommate told me I looked like a vampire. I do have natural vampire coloring - dark hair and the translucent skin. I look really good in bright colors like lime - chartreuse rather. When I watch tv I just feel like falling asleep. I know what I need to do... I just need to do it now.

There are a lot of temple workers from my ward. 2 other girls serve Saturday mornings, another girl works in the baptistry that came to the stake chapel meeting. Rachel Magnusson, Renee's sister works Tuesday nights. Annette works in the children's center on Saturday mornings. I also saw Benson who isn't in my ward anymore but still comes to church and activities working at the veil. Nice although Steve was the only person who attended temple night, sealings AND FHE. Spencer was there tonight and he has been at other temple nights. BUUUT really? no one else?

It was sooo hot in there. They REALLY need to do something about that and with a big stake session the additional bodies did not help.

Lulu texted me from Hawaii. She is coming for a break in July. It'll be nice to see her.

I can't wait for stake conference this weekend. I haven't heard a squeak from annoying. It is not looking good or maybe it is. Maybe he just wanted to have a mature friendship again and doesn't plan to see me ever again. I'm still giving him the rest of June but I am feeling like it is more of me wasting my time.

I really want to meet someone interested in getting married soon. In getting to know me first. It is summer and there are so many activities I can force myself to attend. I want to progress and actually work on finding my husband. I would rather just work on getting to know annoying better but I'm not going to do all the work and he needs to give me A LOT MORE. I feel like my head and emotions have just gone backwards. I would like to think because things are going to be different now but I have no indication of that whatsoever.

This waiting thing sucks because I hate feeling like I have no control over the outcome of things in my life. I like to think there are abundant opportunities. I still feel like I should do the June thing, it just feels like I'm standing still - I am just a plant professionally and socially for the next week or 2.

It is Stake Conference Sunday and Stake Temple night tonight. We have a chapel night at 6pm. I get to use my princess parking pass. All my clothes are in my locker already along with my robe set. I'm looking forward to that tonight. I always love Stake Conference too it and General Conference always seem to come right when I need it.

I can't think of a reason why I wouldn't be hired by the county for one of those positions. I like West Jordan because it is closer but really any of them would be beautiful. I also like that West Jordan is full time so I could make more money there.

I took my mother to Lowe's to buy a ladder but other than that and Zumba I haven't done anything. I want to clean out my room and get rid of things I don't use. I have a lot of junk to get rid of. My mother is a pack rat and she doesn't help me with that either. I want to complete my room then move to the spare room and then the kitchen getting rid of things we don't need. First I wasn't too sure about my hair but now I love it.

Friday is the end of our fitness challenge. I know eating is 70% of all your results and although I've been doing my morning cardio consistently for months, I haven't incorporated weights or eating at all this time, I just wanted to concentrate on doing this again. I wanted to see the results of just Zumba. Next I'll change my eating habits and add weights. I can begin that next week. I'd like to see how far I can go myself and then maybe consider getting a trainer.

Janet Jackson is playing in SLC in October and I intend to be there. She's playing at the Energy Solutions Center which means I can walk over there BUUUT before that I'll make an event and try to commemorate it by holding a routine contest for the instructors based on one of Janet's songs. The winner will get a couple tickets. I need to find out how much those cost.

I can tell my tshirts fit me better but other than that I can't tell anything. I don't want to buy a scale because I get obsessive over those things. I'll just weigh myself for EMZ fitness challenges. I'm sure they're doing another one and that time I'm going to incorporate all the pieces meaning eating clean and adding weight training plus maybe one more zumba sesh at night. I intend to make Zumba and fitness my life after working a librarain job I love AND rocking real estate. My brother keeps wanting me to start that. I think we would do really well flipping houses together. My brother knows how to do a lot of that type of work and I can decorate well too. Together we could kill it and begin nice nest eggs so eventually I can just work part time as a librarian for fun and to keep my skills current while raking it in through real estate flipping and investment.

I want more free time to spend with the family I hope to have AND on a mission while my husband serves as the mission president. That is the life I want.

I don't feel bad about waiting to find out about the County librarian positions because I don't want to start something and then have to quit if I do get it. This is the limit for me and I will look for a good job period even if it isn't a librarian job. My first goal is to get my real estate fees paid and begin my real estate business. Keller and Williams is the place I feel most comfortable with so far.

That email that came to the start of my account for some reason - I have submitted my resume and I was supposed to follow-up with them Monday but now I'm not going to contact them until the beginning of the following week or almost the end of June or the 29th. I am going to go hardcore to find a job if something doesn't transpire by then. I want the county opening and my interview was perfect, I wish I had some faith but I don't at all. I don't know how I expect to get a job that way but it is what it is.

Last night I was watching TV and my mother came in telling me she just had a warning for me that she couldn't help me. I told her she didn't help me which of course ticked her off. She told me about some girl she is helping who had a couple dreams. She is dating some non-member, hasn't gone to church in a year and she needs counsel to return to church and find a member to date. HELLO!!! My mother then said I wanted to wash my clothes in her dream but she couldn't help me wash them so then she accused me of not doing something right, for not repenting of something which is why I don't have a job yet. I was sooo ticked off at her. SERIOUSLY???!!! I asked her what I had to repent of and she said I have spent my money unwisely. I just wanted to scream at her. I told her I'm an ordinance worker in the temple AND I go to church every week and take the sacrament each week unlike her.

She told me she had 3 dreams for this girl asking her for help. My mother lives by her dreams and if anyone doesn't agree with her she says we aren't doing what the Lord wants us to do. When I told her Heavenly Father told me I can live where I want to live she dismissed that saying I'm not asking the right questions or I would get the same answer she keeps getting which is I will move somewhere for a job. I keep asking her where that might be but she can't answer that. She keeps accusing me of not being humble and she keeps saying if I had an answer it would be the same as hers. I also keep telling her the revelation she is receiving for these people does not follow the pattern set for revelation in the church and she is making her own doctrine. She told me 2 separate bishops told her it is her gift.

I don't think a gift would manifest itself like this OR provide information contrary to the pattern of revelation established.

She is driving me crazy. She was so upset with me last night. I was so angry with her. I don't know why I'm not being blessed with a job. I went to school, I even got a damn extra master degree - IT STILL HASN'T HELPED ME.  I have absolutely no faith I will get a librarian job EVER. This is the pattern the Lord has followed in my life however. It is when I am utterly done, frustrated, crying and on my last $150.00 that he comes but right now I'm just going through the motions and I don't believe it'll ever happen. I still have my plan however. Maybe I have officially gone crazy through living with my psychotic mother who only seems to hear the sound of her own voice.

The most important revelation we receive is what we receive ourself. I really did pray about it and I really did receive revelation because when I lived in Logan I was so sick of hearing about all these people, "Who just knew they were supposed to be there." Even annoying said the same thing. In a singles ward if you saw that the unspoken implication is because you are supposed to meet your spouse there. Annoying didn't beat around the bush he came out and said he was supposed to be there for his future wife.

Despite that he moved to Layton and remains there. Probably because he knows who he is supposed to be with and he is deliberately choosing not to do anything about that. I shouldn't be so harsh. BUUUT I don't doubt he knows that as well as I do. However I don't think just because someone doesn't heed that life is over. That just wouldn't be fair and God is perfectly just and fair. I am confident if annoying and I never get together I will be led somewhere else. I just wish it didn't take so damn long for me. I can honestly say I have done everything I can to find my husband and to be worthy of the person I've been promised. My Patriarchal blessing actually tells me to be positive.

I really need that now. I certainly don't feel positive today. I am tired of crying for nothing. Why is this so damn hard. Why can't I get a damn librarian job? I've done everything right professionally - I got an MBA in addition to my MLS - that was such a blessing and I want it to result in Library Administration. I took the additional Consumer Health Information Specialist training and finished level 1 certification from the Medical Library Association, I started a damn local professional librarian association in a town I couldn't stand, I attended AND presented at ULA the last 3 years. I've been a member of ULA and ALA the last 4. REALLY how else can I prepare? I worked as a substitute librarian for the county for 3 1/2 years 6 months of which I did from Logan.

I aced my interview. STILL I don't believe I'll get it or anything. Even when I trained for the last job from hell I kept feeling like they were going to come in and take me aside and tell me they made a mistake and I didn't get the job. I FINALLY spoke to Sophie about Sutter. I asked her why they fired me. They told her because I didn't want to take the testing - HELLO this consisted of a single question they'd email us each day. I didn't turn it in the first day because I asked the team lead for the answer. THEY NEVER SAID A THING TO ME AND MY SUPERVISOR CANCELLED EVERY 1-ON-1-MEETING WE HAD SCHEDULED.

I really feel like I was fired ONLY because it was important for me to rekindle my friendship with annoying BUUUT that feels like it was a damn waste of time and I have absolutely no faith in that either although I will wait until the end of June to move on but then I am sooo moving on. I know that's not the right attitude to have but I feel crappy, not sick just emotionally crappy. I am numb. I really am I crybaby. If I'm numb why the hell do I keep crying for nothing?

I think playing the waiting game is going to happen in my professional life too now. The church has an accelerated job search program I want to be hardcore about but not before I find out if I get one of the librarian jobs with the county. I am going to wait the week next week to find out about it. I told my mother then I have to be hardcore about landing anything that'll let me save money for my real estate fees. I want to wait but I don't want to be lazy but I don't think I'm doing that.

I feel like I'm playing the waiting game with annoying too now. It's not like I can't contact him. I can do that easily. I just don't want to have to do that. I want him to want to contact me and make the effort. It makes all the difference in the world to me. I am really liking my haircut. Nick did a fabulous job. He is my hairdresser forever.

It would be great to date annoying then take him there to get his hair cut. He's probably never spent over $25 on a haircut. But really men don't generally have much hair to work with anyway. He never needs to get a blow-dry. I want to do that to nip the Nick thing in the bud. I want to be dating annoying or engaged to him by December when he graduates because I want to give him a Poly graduation experience as in cover him with lots of leis. I'm sure his parents will bring him a couple from Hawaii. I hope they plan to attend. While I don't like that he is in school now I am very happy he is finishing his doctrate. He can teach now if he ever wants that option and hopefully it qualifies him for administrative jobs too in his field.

Whatever it does or doesn't do we are all counseled to get as much education as possible. I am glad he is doing that even if I do wish he were finished with it now. I still remember eliminating him in my head when I thought he was working on his undergraduate degree when I first met him and was trying to convince him and whoever else I could to attend my Book Fair. When I write that out it seems so calculating BUT I didn't go to school just to end up with someone who hasn't even completed his undergraduate degree in anything. Even Nick has his BA in Political Science. He just decided on the cutting hair later in life although he has risen quickly to the top of his field.

He attended Paul Mitchell's school of hair design and he works events during Sundance now. He has a picture with Paul Mitchell in Park City. While Curtis doesn't have a BA he did finish some Design program at BATC and is working actively in his field and well enough that he has bought his second home. He is also probably going to take over his father's farm eventually while he works as a designer for Visionary Homes in Logan. Both are actively pursing their careers and annoying was doing that too before he quit to attend school.

Many of the men and women in my ward have amazing jobs but then many of them don't as well. You'd think I'd be more forgiving in my current state of unemployment but I'm not nor do I expect to be in this state much longer but I will adjust and do what I need to do. I'm just giving myself a break until I find out about the county librarian positions I just applied for. I am NEVER working at a call center again. I am NEVER making an hourly wage again under $20. I am working in Real Estate asap.

I love my testimony, I love the gospel, I love my life. It isn't perfect and I'm not where I want to be now but I am working on that as I will throughout my life. With the gospel everything is joyous and amazing and I am grateful for that perspective.

I'm so sick of it although it is a necessary part of my unemployed life. I feel very good about my interview. I hope and pray they give me a chance. I know my weakness is I don't have children's librarian experience although I know everything else is sound. I'd absolutely love to be a manager in the County system. Susan and Krista didn't ask me anything specifically child-related which is the only thing I'm afraid of. I want the full time position just so I can throw it in Wanda's face. People who have worked with her know she doesn't play nice with others and her customer service seriously lacks. If they hire me they will have a fresh librarian with leadership skills who isn't afraid to try new things and to involve the community. In fact, I love programs that involve the community.

If I get West Jordan I will seriously increase our Pacific Islander patronage. Hotaia is going to come with her children as is Kagi and Lily. Tilila is a little far but I will still invite her to come to my story times. I need to calm the heck down. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself. I just REALLY want this job. It starts at 46,000 which is nice AND after the call center job with the hourly wage HEAVEN. It isn't my goal but definitely enough for me to work at my real estate thing.

Any and all my free time could be spent working out, fine-tuning my fitness plus enriching my real estate knowledge. I didn't call that commercial real estate brokerage yet although I don't know why I would. I am so tempted to wait and find out if I got this job and quit applying now but that wouldn't be doing my part and I have to do that if I expect divine assistance and I wouldn't pray and fast about it if I didn't.

The summer reading theme is superheroes and thanks to Zumba I have batman, superman and wonder woman outfits. I would looove this if they give me a chance.

Sweet!!! I know Susan but Krista is now the manager of the Riverton Library and she is phenomenal. I would love to work with either of them. Of course Susan is a 40-hour position while Krista is 30. Krista's position is teens AND children and Susan's is strictly children. Funny how I always find myself working with children.

I feel really good about my interview but I don't know who else is applying or who my competition is right now. I REALLY want this job because I know exactly what it will be like and what it will consist of. I hope and pray it's mine. They just began 2 new Midsingles wards - one in and around Ogden and one in Magna. We are going to lose people to the Magna ward but it's alright and it's o.k.

Time to get some gas now and hit up FHE.

I just love my Zumba class. Sinai is going to Tonga for 3 weeks. There is a huge Tongan celebration for the coronation of the king. I don't know why it happens a year later. Probably out of respect for the monarch who passed. Sione Ika went to Tonga with his community choir. They plan to sing at the coronation. A lot of Youtube videos were posted of high school students preparing numbers to perform for this too. It is probably going to be similar to when I attended the Centennial. I performed in a show with PCC who provided instruction and costumes. It was so much fun and right before my mission. I got my call right before my trip to Tonga and I went through the temple for the first time the Saturday before my flight because I wanted to go through the Tongan temple with my dad.

As a result my experience was rushed and overwhelming. I wish my mother or father stopped me because I wish I had time to think and ponder instead of rushing around like I did. It was so much fun however and good for me right before my mission. Tonga is a 3rd world country and people don't have very much there. When I submitted my papers I put I would be available on October 1st. As typical I expected my reporting day to be in December but they wanted me to report on October 3rd. Sooo I had maybe a week after I got home from Tonga to prepare for the MTC.

My cousin Noelani picked me up from the airport and I stayed with her and Brent for a day or 2 before I entered the MTC. Matt was a baby then, now he is an RM and married. Time flies. My recent Tongan experience put things into perspective for me. Hearing a sob story about how some lady couldn't afford to buy things for her kids on Christmas drew no mercy or sympathy from me. They had TV's, game systems, videos and she was complaining. My cousins were happy in Tonga without any of those things. They played games with balls and while my cousins were the lucky ones with a refrigerator, that was a luxury. So was the truck my uncle owned. This was rare.

No one was sitting around complaining about not having money to buy Christmas gifts. Christmas in Tonga is a fun time filled with good food, bands, visiting family and dances. No one received gifts there although many invitations to meals were offered all over the place. Material things ultimately don't matter to me although I want to have money. I want the basics taken care of and enough money to work on what is truly important - my family and building the kingdom wherever I can.

I put Weber in on google to see how long it really takes to drive there and it was just 36 minutes. I wouldn't mind commuting that at all. Layton is only 20 minutes from here, that's just 5 minutes more than driving to Sandy or Draper. It may be closer than Herriman. It is tough for annoying to commute to Logan for school but it isn't long to commute from here. He is NOT too far from me and maybe that is my insight.

I kept thinking distance was a problem but not really. He is closer than Provo and really not that far from here. Far from Logan yes but not from Salt Lake City. Distance is NOT an issue at all. So really it is just what he wants to do. How nice for him. Yes that is sarcasm and yes I still need to work on that.

My friend from Logan got married. I told her I'd see if I could make her wedding. She told me she was just having lunch and not to worry about it. Alright; she did have a dinner? there with Renee, Nikki, Jonni and Eugene. I'm glad she is happily married now. It is weird to me who she had dinner with. They are all including Julie Annoying fans. I don't trust any of them except Jonni and she is the biggest annoying fan out of the group.

They are always acting sketchy with me because they can all tell annoying likes me too. Weird. Why wouldn't they want him to be happy?

If that is the type of person he wants - ok now I'm being a catty insecure B. I just wanted to feel better about annoying if I ever encounter him. Why the hell am I tripping? I think we are so good together. It is what I want. I hope and pray he will do what it takes. I know he wants this too but he needs to do something or nothing will happen and I might force myself to marry someone boring who has a testimony and loves his father in heaven. That is wrong. My eternal happiness is not dependent on any single person. We all have free agency. If annoying doesn't choose me father in heaven will bless me with someone I can fall for who is strong in all areas like Steve. I know other men exist who are just as amazing that I just haven't met yet. June is annoying month but for my sanity July is get a boyfriend month.

Her ribs were scrumptious and the Hawaiian boys' curry was yummy too. Lif, Emily, Darcy and Cindy were the other girls - Richard Sloan, Richard Stephenson, Ben White and Teancum were there too. It was a very Hawaii night with me and the 2 Hawaiian boys there. I kept thinking about annoying and how he was probably at Renee's house since I know she hosts these too and the one thing I ever attended that she held annoying's roommate attended although he didn't. I was glad because I didn't want to see him then. I'm pretty sure they go there a lot. Renee actually wore blue today which is rare for her since she is forever wearing her maroon shirt to church. It is rare when she wears anything else. She looks good in blue.

He probably sees her on a regular basis which I haaate. I don't know how when where or even if I'll ever see him again but I hope I do and quick. This is pretty much hell. I know Nick isn't right for me. Even if nothing ever happens with annoying I know I can't have Nick. I'm already in employment hell. I guess EVERY area of my life gets to be hell before it gets better. I am happy I set a deadline for myself with annoying but now I really feel like a basketcase. I know fasting makes you more sensitive BUUUT it is also supposed to help me feel stronger. I just feel more sensitive and crybabyish right now.

If anything I'm glad I figured out my Nick friend. He can come back to church through his family. Once he is back I can develop our friendship, not before that. I'm not going to play with fire. Steve just lost his mother and is with his family this weekend in California. She died on the 12th. I feel bad for him and I hope he is blessed with what he needs right now.

I have to remember if I've done everything I can, it is good and it will be good and as our father in heaven would have it be. I keep asking myself if I've done everything and I feel like I have. Sooo it's great I saw annoying and we talked BUUUT again it might as well have never happened if I'm never going to see him again. I know there are lots of mid-singles activities all the time and I'll get the chance to see him maybe at one of those but that's not how I want it to be at all. I want him to want to see me and want to talk to me and get to know me better. At some level I don't doubt he feels that way at all but his actions tell me nothing. I know there have been Bountiful/MP 19th temple days and even a fireside but I've always avoided those because I didn't want to run into him. If I can't have everything I don't want anything.

I kept praying for myself, for the job I'm meant to have, for annoying and for Nick. I like Nick a lot and I know I could fall for him which is why although I extended the dinner invitation I know Heavenly Father made it not happen for a reason. He is having dinner with his sister Tina today. I know myself. Colton taught me that it isn't wise to spend time with someone you don't plan on marrying. Nick loves the same worldly things I do and he could keep my hair looking great forever. He is half Tongan which I also love, he is tall and if he'd just keep his beard shaved he is fine too. He is very kind and intelligent enough but I don't get that he's brilliant. He is very easy to get along with and he lives downtown at the Belvedere where I used to live. I loved living there too.

I knew when I was 14 my husband would be a world-wide leader to the church. I think the choices Nick has made in his life has prevented him from receiving that blessing. I wonder if he was planning on inviting me to dinner with his sister. Our Poly thing means I know we'd get along great. We have so much in common it would be easy for me to fall hard there. The gospel does not play the central role in his life like it should.

That is why WITH A CLEAR HEAD, I need to decide now I won't spend time with him. Annoying is not easy to get along with. He is as tempermental as me and he He is for the most part but he typically assumes the worst about me when I would never do anything like that to him. I really want to get to know him better but I fail to see how that could happen at all. Heavenly Father didn't yank that job away from me the way he did unless we were meant to have a future. I really believe that although I still have no idea how that's going to come to pass.

My drinks are in the car for dinner tonight. I haven't eaten yet but I'm going to pray and break my fast when I'm done with this. Dinner is at 6pm tonight. Those Hawaii boys Ben and Teancum are in my dinner group tonight along with Cindy and Darcy. It sounds like a fun group of 10 people. Cindy's in my dinner group too. I'm pretty sure she has a thing for annoying. I like her a lot but yeah NOOO!!! It would be nice to see him however even if he comes because she invited him. If I see him tonight I will really know it's meant to be. Too much? Maybe, I don't think so.

Some idiot I don't know posted on my timeline 2 pictures of himself. HELLO!!! I think he is half-Tongan. I just took those off. REALLY???!!! I just blocked him from Facebook too. Who the hell does he think he is. I always accept Poly friend requests when I don't know them because I think I might be related to them. HELLA-NERVY dingbat.

I'm asking Nick about him too. Give me a damn break. He lives in Provo. I am going to be nice but I am related to MANY people in Provo including my brother who I hope never saw that because he can be an idiot sometimes and I don't want him getting in arguments with anyone. I hope to  hell my cousin Mosese saw that and tells him to go to hell or Sisi - I have MAAANY first cousins and nephews not to mention my brother living in Provo.

If you are going to message me and then post your damn photos on my page without even meeting me you need to get a damn clue first. I can't believe he did that. Sorry but NOOO!!! I think he has kids too. I don't think so!!!

We all need clarity in our lives and I know that's one of the reasons why we have fast Sunday, to do that. I had a brief dream I remember. I was engaged to some white guy I don't know. He had glasses on and I had a nice big diamond ring I really liked. What I didn't like is this guy was boring to me. We were waiting in the lobby of some school he was attending and he had just come back from a trip. He bought me a sweater which of course I liked although I didn't particularly like the sweater but I distinctly remember when he gave it to me he told me how much he missed me and I thought I didn't miss you and I'm not going to tell you that when I didn't. He wore glasses and he wasn't ugly but he wasn't attractive to me either.

What I got from that and what I think about that now is although it is good to be somewhere where there are lots of LDS midsingles, it doesn't guarantee finding a good match. I think of Steve who I liked a lot but I had to force myself to get there. I had to keep reviewing his good qualities. He had the essential and I've always thought I can work on the other stuff BUT do I really want to have to work that hard on someone I end up spending eternity with? YES I don't think working hard is a bad thing and I intend to do that with whoever I marry but I think although annoying has the distance against him it is worth it anyway. I miss him right now, I am attracted to him physically and I can more completely be myself with him. Even in my dream I was having a lot of internal self-talk with this guy. I don't have as much with annoying because he gets what I say because he is intelligent enough and not racist thinking someone who isn't white is stupid.

He is definitely worth the extra work. I still don't know how that will happen however but I trust my father in heaven will help me with that. I know that's why I was fired from that stupid idiot-job anyone can do. I still don't want to move to Ogden, I still want that County librarian job. I am going to do my best to get both jobs however AND keep looking. I need to do my part however by identifying the points I want Susan to know about me. I'm glad she called me. I want her to know I worked at the Christmas Box House with at-risk children and then also that I was a mentor to children 9-12 at the Asian Association of Utah to Pacific Islander and Asian children. I love my nieces and nephews so much although I don't just like children in general. I taught primary several times too.

If there's anything I'd like to contribute to the Salt Lake County and children it is to even begin a pacific islander collection. We have one of the largest populations in the United States. We should definitely be meeting that need by collecting pacific islander literature. It is important to have examples in literature of pacific islander writers and characters. It is critical to developing self-esteem.  I would love to work on that if I am hired as a children's librarian with the county. I love being a librarian. When I was in college I always felt guilty about not being a social worker. I feel like the Savior would be doing that if he lived today BUUUT he was actually a carpenter AND I know we can study anything and devote our life to anything AND still build the kingdom. The most important way for us to do that anyway is in a family. Librarians do the type of social work I am comfortable with. They provide materials and services freely to everyone. It is why I don't want to be an academic librarian.

One day I want to be Wanda's boss. I love her and I enjoyed working with her BUUUT I can't help feeling like she threw me under the bus as I've tried to get a librarian job again. I removed her from my list of references I use. I am grateful I was able to present twice with the Intellectual Freedom Committee at ULA but more recently she hasn't made me feel a part of it and I decided not to be a part of it anymore if she was going to treat me like that. I look forward to doing outreach. I could never do that as a substitute but it is where I excel. I have so many first cousins who live in West Jordan too. It would be great to be close to them. I don't think my desire to be Wanda's boss is Christ-like at all. Another thing I want to do as a children's librarian is write a couple of scholarly articles and then present at ULA and then even ALA. It will help me get a job anywhere in the country. While I feel I'll end up here in Salt Lake City, I would love to live in another state I don't know anything about and also another country when my husband is Mission president. Russia? Not my first pick but I'd go, someone has to it might as well be me.

Annoying could do that better than anyone else and I know he feels like he is going to lead the church in the last days in a huge way and I've always felt my husband could do that. Steve could definitely do that. It is something else I always fell back to and helped me convince myself to go there in the first place. His Spanish skills are also very needed in church leadership. I don't doubt he will be there eventually. Annoying is not as obvious although his faith is consistent with that. He tries very hard for those things that are important. I don't know what Steve's flaws are although I am too aware of annoying's shortcomings. Despite that he is still the best match for me.

I am fasting about how to develop that if I can. I don't feel anything about the commercial real estate job in Ogden. The ONLY thing that would maybe let me do is actually spend time with annoying. Money is nice too but my librarian job will give me enough money to pay my real estate fees fairly quickly and begin that in Salt Lake Valley. As a substitute librarian I learned where ALL the neighborhoods in the county are and many of the advantages and disadvantages of each. I've always known I'm going to end up in Salt Lake City. My husband will work full time for the church in leadership in his later years.

I love working in the temple. I would also love to be a temple matron. Before I just wanted to be the wife of a mission president and while that is still my greatest desire a temple matron would be amazing too. And with all that I still plan to be a Zumba instructor for as long as possible.

I need to call Nick and see if he wants to attend church and dinner with me tonight.

I was a follower for the 9am session. Sitting still like that is tough when you are tired. I kept closing my eyes BUUUT I did manage not to fall asleep. I spent 2 shifts in initiatories -that is my favorite place by far. I love performing ordinances. It is a very distinct way women can use the priesthood;

I was talking to one of our Tongan ladies. She turns 64 soon. She looks fantastic for 64. She is the Zumba crazy lady in my class. When I told her I was single and didn't have any children she told me I had a Tongan last name. I had to tell her my dad is Tongan. She knows aunty Sala but she is around Leonitai's age.

My relief society president Domoina just got engaged. I'm so happy for her. She is very kind. I'm going to take out my contacts and take a nap. I think my friend Valerie will get engaged soon too. I want to get engaged too.

I need to map out what I want to do. Fell asleep, I need more.

I'm so glad they said yes. I knew they would now I feel very good about my Sunday. I wish annoying didn't live in Layton. Too bad he can't take his last classes at the U. That would be beautiful. So much for wishful thinking. I need to take out my tithing for this last little check. Also I'm going to buy something to eat. I'm not exactly sure what I want. I'll think about it then go and get off this thing.

It is the day I am also supposed to talk to the commercial real estate firm in Ogden, when Adam Hughes returns from vacation. Also when the Prince Perelson agency is scheduled to talk to me and return my stuff I had at Sutter. I had just spent $12 on a huge bag of cocoa almonds. I certainly want those back and they boxed up my stuff so I don't need to worry about people getting into it.

Finally my Salt Lake County interview is also that day. I am going to fast AGAIN on Sunday to try to figure out where I need to go. Also Sunday is hike with Nick day. I want to be a good friend to him and help him return to the church but then also I don't want annoying going hiking with anyone by himself even if she is an old friend and even if she is a lesbian and all of that stuff. It is dinner groups this Sunday and that is where I should be spending my time, with other Midsingles from my ward trying to get to know them better. I am going to invite Nick to dinner groups instead. I need to email and ask permission first. I feel a lot better about that.

O.K. - just did that and if it is fine like I'm sure it will be, I'll invite him to that instead. I'm going to start my own fast tomorrow night since I didn't do that last week on fast sunday. I'll fast for my job situation, for annoying and that whatever is his will will come to pass whether that is to get to know him better or not and finally for Nick that his heart will be touched and softened and that he will remember how it is to feel the spirit and what a huge part of his life is missing by not listening to it. If annoying and I are meant to get to know each other better that we will know how to best do that with the distance. I want to know how I should approach my real estate career and if I am supposed to work at that commercial real estate place in Ogden. I just want to do what my father in heaven wants me to do and serve him the best however I can.

I know I need to study these things out in my mind first before I approach my father in heaven, I need a plan before I go before him in prayer and fasting specifically about these things. I am grateful I work in the temple tomorrow. What a blessing. If I work in the County I will need to return to Wednesday evenings so I can work every other Saturday there.

Here we go again. I know this is necessary, it just sucks. ANOTHER County interview this time for either West Jordan or Riverton Library. I'd love either one and I am so jaded with this process now I don't even know how to hope anymore and I don't really believe I'll get a job. I would rather work at West Jordan. Susan Spicer called me. She is the West Jordan Manager. I would rather work in West Jordan. It is the prettiest and newest library right now with the accompanying administrative offices on the side. I wanted the assistant manager job there and I wasn't even called for an interview.

Working as a children's librarian is certainly not my favorite but it is a means to an end. I looove the County Library System and I would love to work there as a Children's Librarian. I am a hard worker and I can certainly prove my value. I worked so much at the Bingham Creek Library also at West Jordan. It was one of my favorite libraries to work at because it was always busy. I also enjoyed the Sandy Library. What I love about the county is you feel like a professional there. If I get into the County system I don't plan on leaving it ever.

I love my early morning Zumba. I won a t-shirt today. Nice since they are usually sold for $20. It has EMZ Crew in Reggae colors over black. I am one Poly who does NOT like reggae music. I don't see the attraction. It is alright in small doses and I did go through a UB40 phase right before my mission. I actually bought their cassette. That's when annoying was 10 and then when I finished he was 11 but turning 12 that year. I don't know why I do that to myself. I really don't care how old he is and he's been a midsingle for awhile now. Long enough that it doesn't matter. I've dated guys A LOT younger but I never considered them seriously for anything. OK maybe not I just thought about one I was seriously thinking eternity with but that was stupidity on my part.

I'm grateful I met annoying who has all the qualities that are extremely important to me and even some that aren't. He is a spiritual rock but still fun and brilliant AND fine. I like his soccer shirts. They look good on him. I hope he doesn't flirt as much as he once did. Nothing's wrong with flirting, giving women hope if they don't stand a chance however is bad form. Steve is playa-smooth BUT has the spiritual solid background too. He has that down cold BUT so will annoying when he's Steve's age although I just want him to be flirting with me then.

I'm not going to hold anything against annoying. I'm not perfect either. I have a temper and I know I also have a diva/princess problem I need to constantly keep in check. I am the daughter of a Heavenly King but so is everyone. I expect to be treated well all the time but I also know others deserve the same. While I feel great about myself I certainly know I'm not perfect. I really do want this to work and I need to be humble if this is going to stand a chance. I don't really know what that means yet but I don't want anyone to hold grudges against me. I'm not going to do the same thing. I am well aware of his flaws AND my flaws too. I am also aware of both of our strengths and it is why I want this to go somewhere. If it doesn't I want to at least have a cordial and good feeling about him so that if I do run into him years later it can be positive.

My June time limit is nothing against him, it is just for myself. I have to progress and I have taken long enough to do that already. I'm going to the store in my sunglasses without make up. I need things and I'm going to come home and do my laundry.

The gospel is great and I am eternally grateful to have it in my life. I read 2 Nephi 4 this morning because sometimes I am just lazy to really think about what I'm reading. This is my fallback section to read when I just want to eat delicious meat without having to work to get it. If we don't reflect however we might as well be plants. Just existing and at the mercy of the elements, acted on rather than acting. I like choice, decisions, plans and execution of those plans. I am grateful for the plan of happiness that lets me know how to live my life the most effectively. I feel so tired and beaten sometimes but then at the same time my blessings are so huge too.

I am so fortunate. Even with no job I have the scriptures, words of wisdom ALWAYS available on my phone. We are so spoiled to live now.

This was so nice and I'm glad I went. I also visited the LDS Employment Center in Sugarhouse since I went to see Prince Perelson and Sophie who I've been working with was sick and actually won't get my stuff until Monday. She is sure taking long. When I visited the LDS Employment at Welfare Square I wasn't interested in doing anything but being a librarian. I am trying to be more open to other things and that's what I discussed yesterday with an Elder Hampshire.

The guy at the Commercial Real Estate place in Ogden is out until Monday. I need to come up with a plan to market myself to non-libraries. I actually am going to check out public libraries in that county and davis county. Working in Bountiful would be ideal and not require me to move.

My mother told me she had revelation I should look outside Salt Lake City this morning - what good is her revelation if I was already doing that anyway? I love my mother very much but she drives me crazy most hours of the day. Probably because I do love her.

While I missed annoying for a long time when I lived in Logan I didn't feel like I haven't seen him in the length of time it's been when I finally did see AND talk to him again. Probably because I saw him so many times when he was avoiding me and that made me feel so stupid and disrespected. Still although it was obvious to me he was doing that he took great pains to conceal it so I shouldn't really hold a grudge just because his efforts at deceit were failures.

Just because he didn't want me to see that he was deliberately avoiding me doesn't mean it didn't hurt however because it did. A lot. Part of me died inside every time he did that. Every time. I care about him way more than I should. I miss talking to him. He gets what I'm saying well and that is rare. I do a lot of introspective stuff even when I'm talking to other people. I never realize how much but I always remember that when I talk to him. This is the easiest place for me to meet someone new however. I know that and he knows that too.

Despite that I am going to try to get to know him better now. I like the connection we have and I like that I already know about what really matters. I don't want to have to figure that out again with someone else. Why am I going to do that when he already has what I want. I don't feel the divine pushes there like I did before. That was probably because I didn't know him at all then. How could I when I didn't know him for even a week when that stuff started.

I don't want to be in his ward again because I can't handle it when he flirts with other women. I need more conversations with him and more interaction but his living in Layton prohibits that more than I want. If he isn't going to date me, I need to know that right away because I am not going to put myself in that crappy position again. I have never believed he's not interested in me or in dating me but he has never been willing to deepen our relationship and I need that to happen or I need to look somewhere else.

I know all of that is tough for him but that is life and I'm not going to waste mine. I already feel like I've wasted time on him I could've been using on someone else who can help me progress.  It's surely too soon to talk about that with him but I don't feel like I have much of a choice. The distance is fine if we have the chance to spend time together regularly. Of course I could never see him again and the choice will be made. I'm going to give this until the end of June. If I don't figure this out by then I am going to move on and find someone else. He is worth the time but no one is worth an indefinite amount of time. Either they want more AND are willing to do what that takes or they aren't willing to spend the time or effort on it.

If I was really fired so I could attend that picnic I know it wasn't just so I could feel better because I had a normal conversation with annoying. I have been so happy with that small conversation we had and I want him to be happy and I still believe I am what will do that for him but I don't want him to disappear either and I don't want to have to convince him of that. I don't doubt he knows that but I don't know why he can't do something about it either. Maybe he is. I haven't seen him for so long and it feels fantastic to be normal with him again BUUUT I've only ever been interested in being his friend because I want to see if it can develop into something more.

This is SOOO NOOOT easy. I don't want to risk ruining the friendship we FINALLY started again but I am going to do exactly that. He is still very easy to talk to when I finally did talk to him and I still feel like I've known him forever. I love his testimony. I like that he said bishop said things that were inappropriate for the stand. I like that he notices that stuff. I know why I was led there again and again because he loves his father in heaven and that is exactly what I want.

I will never doubt his faith and I know how rare that is - many people have testimonies but not everyone nourishes it. I like how he is active in the church. Annoying still talked to a bunch of women yesterday but he didn't flirt with each of them the way he used to do that.

He told me he moved to Layton because there are more women to date. We should've discussed that more but I think it was too soon for me although I did need something to get my mind off of my state of unemployment. We definitely need more conversations but I'm not sure when that'll occur.

I was thinking of my goals. I am going to become obsessed with fitness and Zumba is going to be my world the way it is Alisa's. I want to have a thriving real estate business asap AND a librarian position I can fly with. I also want to hurry up and find my husband. I don't have to pray about annoying. I already know he is husband-worthy. I wish he wasn't still in school but I am glad he'll be done in December AND it gives me time to get my financial self in order.

I wonder if I am in the early stages of depression. I just want to lay in bed and not do anything. That's how I felt yesterday before I got that email from the County and I made myself get up to get to the library where the internet is solid and I could email my application AGAIN!!! Maybe that's why I love Zumba, it releases endorphins to give me a psychological boost. Prince Perelson emailed me to change our appointment to tomorrow at 10:00. We are having our EMZ 80s BBQ party tomorrow so I don't need to get up early tomorrow. I just need to figure out what to take. I signed up for ward dinners so I am going to attend Sunday but really I don't feel like being social. I bet that's why I'm an ambivert. I feel comfortable by myself and in a crowd too.

I went to our FHE regional picnic not just to talk to annoying but to socialize too and meet new people but after I talked to annoying I had no desire to do that at all. Nothing was wrong with our conversation, I really wasn't up to socializing with anyone. Cara approached me and asked how I was doing. One of her friends came by and spoke to her. She talked to Cara about how she has several jobs one of which is selling car wax. She told Cara she makes good money or 10% commission. Cara told me I should do that. I felt like slapping her and crying at the same time. Oh hell no I don't think so. She is very sweet and meant no ill will BUT I have lots of management experience and over 8 years librarian experience. I want to do sales but ONLY when it is worthwhile and Real Estate is how I want to do sales period.

I met one new guy who approached me but I don't remember his name. He looked alright I didn't have much energy to converse with him and luckily some girl from my ward knows him and interrupted us. I remember she told me her name is Lori. He is in the newly-created Holladay ward. There are so many opportunities to meet LDS midsingles here. I need to take advantage of that. Maybe Lori likes him and didn't like that he was talking to the new girl. I'm not exactly shy and I will talk to anyone I want to talk to or get to know better. Yesterday however I was lethargic. I am glad I talked to annoying but I barely did that.

The job thing feels like I keep running at full speed into a brick wall and like an idiot keep doing that over and over again AND while I do that I have to paste on one of my PCC smiles and act happy and content because who the hell wants to hire someone who is psychotic. My first job was when I was 14 and worked as a dancer at PCC. I was spoiled. I always thought getting my MBA would make finding a new job easier. It sure doesn't feel that way.

I just don't know what it's going to take. It is harder when you're done with school and need a GOOD job that pays at least more than I was making before AND I'm not talking about my very brief stint at Sutter Health. I never should've taken that job although it did allow me to fly to St. George and present at the ULA conference. I presented at the last 3 ULA conferences. I want to be able to work that into an interview. First I need to get damn interviews.

I don't regret my degrees. I know they'll pay off sooner or later it is just the later that sucks. I don't think I'll even believe it when I finally get a librarian job again. It is why I want to do real estate. I want to make the money I want to whether I have another source of income or not. Why I'm trying to do commercial real estate first is because it is something I can do without paying all my own fees and essentially operating a business. I guess I'm not as depressed as I've been feeling.

I am crying while I write this which is bad because it infects my contacts and I am on my last pair of clear and blue contacts. I have to get an eye exam before I can buy more. I was due for one in November but I bought a lot last year my eyes haven't changed in the last 7 years but I have to get yearly exams or they won't sell me any new contacts.

Maybe I'm not depressed. I have the gospel in my life and I have never been more qualified or prepared to make a lot of money at a job I love. I haven't prayed as hard as I can about this. I am so blessed despite this overall suckiness right now.

Sugarhouse Park makes me miss my cousin Mele so much. We had so many BBQs there. That park has so many memories for me. I remember when I lived in Sugarhouse and attended the U and Liberty 3rd ward. I loved that ward. I was in that ward when I lost my dad. I miss him so much.

I am veeery happy I saw annoying. I'm glad he came and I'm glad I could talk to him like a normal person. I didn't see Steve or Heidi. I hope he took her out somewhere and that he actually builds a relationship with her. Annoying was the second person who asked me about work. AND it was the second time I almost started crying there at the park. I don't know why I am having such a problem finding work that I can love and grow at. I didn't fast about it Sunday. Actually I didn't fast at all.

I saw Janella from Logan there too. She came over and gave me a big hug. I also saw Lark and Renee also from Logan but they were in the distance and neither they nor I was going to go over to greet the other. Rich's brother James came over and said hi. He told me my face looked puffy like I was experiencing an allergic reaction. I looked in the mirror but there was nothing wrong so I told him I'm overweight and it manifests itself by puffiness.

Janella works at the South Jordan temple. I told her I love that temple then James said we should go there together. I had no problem saying NO we shouldn't and NO we're not going to do that. I walked away and sat by myself and ate one of my sandwiches. I wasn't trying to be standoffish but I don't think I really wanted to talk to anyone. I need to resolve my job situation first.

I can just see myself talking to some hottie - alright NO there were no hotties there. There was some bald European looking guy who dresses well that I noticed. If I was in the right frame of mind I would've met him and found out his name. I even ask people what they do when I meet them. I certainly didn't want to start crying with someone I just met.

It was really hard not to cry when I was talking to annoying about being unemployed. I was sooo glad I didn't start crying. It was hard enough just to talk to him again. I would've died if I started crying.

I needed to see annoying, I had to talk to him but once I was done with that I was ready to go home. As I was leaving I saw Angie who I used to work with at the Herriman library. I had so much fun with her. She looks incredible. She lost a bunch of weight and she just got back from a vacation in Europe. She made me miss the County Library System. I loved working there. I learned so much and I had so much fun there.

Angie is in the Alpine ward. Annoying is still in school and will be there for the rest of the year. He told me he moved with Tom from Logan ward yeah I remember Tom from choir and I remember hearing them discuss his move to Layton.

My latest email from the County said I was being considered for a youth services librarian position. JUST hire me already!!! I just might end up in commercial real estate.

After Zumba we got to take home otai and isite keke. Rupi Sinai's mom brought enough keke and otai for the entire class. It was sooo good. I haven't had isite keke in sooo long. It takes me back to growing up at Liahona. The dorm mom Luisa Kongaika would always sell keke from her house right near the girls dorm. It was delicious and addicting.

I am going to take a shower then get ready for the day and my BBQ which isn't until tonight at 6pm. I hope annoying comes. Steve, Annette and Heidi are all coming which should be interesting. It will be nice to see him again. At first I was happy when I saw he and Heidi's pictures from going to some sort of trapeze thing. It looks like so much fun and I want him to actually be interested in someone and pursue her because he seems to keep women in general at a distance and allows himself to get to know them to a point then he backs off.

I am glad I didn't get to know him well enough to develop lasting feelings for him. Several women are into him and that's just from my ward. Who knows how many fans he has in the other wards. He reminds me a lot of annoying that way although he is very smooth. I don't have any bad feelings for him and I only wish him the best.

I hope annoying comes tonight. I just want to be cordial with him. I had so much spiritual guidance in and around him right from when I barely met him. I feel like I know him a lot better than I should. I want to be open to something between us because of that but I don't want to hang out with him just as his friend. I think it's either something or nothing however I want to at least be able to say hello to him and find out how he's doing if I find myself in the same room with him. I felt so immature after I saw him at that pi party but I really didn't know what to say or how it would be received if I said anything. We're supposed to bring our own food??? I'm not sure exactly how that works. I suppose I'll find out. I'm not sure what to take. I could make some spam musubi but really anything and I don't actually know.

I didn't go to choir. I was sleepy and for nothing. I know it is important for me to be social and my job stood in the way of that but did I really have to get the job yanked from me like that? There is a multi-mid-singles ward BBQ tomorrow at Sugarhouse I would've missed if I was still working. I do want to revive my relationship with annoying and Heavenly Father has always pushed me there in incredible ways. Whatever I will try to make an effort if he attends however I will make an effort with everyone including people I know and people I don't.

It was a job I would've quit sooner or later, I just didn't think the sooner would be so drastic. Tomorrow after Zumba I'm going to apply and followup. I think I'm going to write my life goals down. I was thinking about my amazing hairdresser friend today on my way to and from church. The gay pride parade was today downtown. There was also a pride festival at the city building near the library I passed on my way home.

I need to pay my insurance and phone bill tomorrow. When I cut my hair 2 Saturdays ago I told Nick I couldn't go that Sunday. He couldn't either since his parents were visiting. He said he couldn't do it today since he was going to be in a training. Let's see I'm pretty sure he's gay although all trace of that is now gone from his Facebook page. Add that its SLC's Pride parade AND festival today and he is either avoiding going out that day ORRR he has other plans. Do I think he has training on a Sunday when the pride parade AND festival were/are happening now??? Hell NOOO.

Nick is amazing and while I am going to have to cancel my appointment Saturday, I AM NOT canceling our hike and he better not!!! Maybe he's bisexual. Who knows? He is a good person and a friend I don't know as well as I could. He is sooo the best hairdresser. I like that he seems close to his nieces like me. It doesn't look like he has any nephews. If I can help him return to church I'm doing it.

I am hungry but I don't really know what I'm hungry for. My mother is getting on my nerves. My little toenail is sore from being too long and wearing covered toe shoes in the temple. My slip-ons have been way too easy to throw on. I'm not sure how I'm going to get money now but I am sooo happy I'm not going back to Sutter.

There were no Poly temple weddings today although there were many Polys there anyway and there are a bunch of Poly ordinance workers too. I am going to fast to find a job. My mother is sooo irritating it is so hard to be around her especially when I'm not going to be having any money coming in soon. I was worried about losing all my phone contacts but they are all still there. I am going to go somewhere soon and get something to eat somewhere.

Today is the weigh-in for that challenge. I'm just not going to spend $55 now that I don't know where my money will come from in the future. Talk about sucky. I am glad not to have that job but having nothing to pull in money is not cool either. That commercial real estate job my home teacher Rich sent me in February came to the start of my email again. So strange and weird. I've always wanted to get involved in commercial real estate so I made a point to find out about it. I did send my resume in a long time ago. The ad is old but I'm going to do what it said AND call to followup Monday.

I think I need to try to apply to a bunch of jobs today then followup Monday with them. The temp agency followup is Tuesday at 10am. While I like and appreciate them AND I know I can get money with them right away, I'd like to find a job where I'm not doing something someone just out of high school could be doing. The part I haaate is the job is in Ogden. I sooo don't want to live there and while I could commute it isn't under an hour drive. It is more like an hour. I have to apply for it however because the way it came to the front of my email list is freaky and could be the spirit and I need to just go for it. I think they have some nice restaurants in Ogden but I don't want to live there.

REALLY why the hell is this happening again? I didn't like living in Logan, I certainly don't want to live in Ogden. It is supposed to be filled with crime and gangs. Alright I live in Rosepark - certainly not something I should have an attitude about but damn!!! I hate Utah Valley too. Why can't I just live in Salt Lake City.

I shouldn't murmur and if I am supposed to work in Ogden I should be humble when I apply and try to get a job in commercial real estate there. It is just tough and I don't really want to do it. I don't think Ogden had a Mid-singles ward. I'm certainly not driving to Logan for church ORRR Bountiful. I want to get along with annoying again but attending his ward is NOOOT how I want that to happen. The office is adjacent to Weber. What's with living in all the dinky college towns? I would NEVER go to Utah State and I certainly never would've gone to Weber.

I am definitely getting ahead of myself. I will apply for that job and if I get it I'll try to commute first. I'm not ONLY applying for that job anyway although I'm not applying for anything else in Ogden. I remember my bankruptcy attorney telling me how it was a scuzzy place and they had drug tests at the 7-11 and other similar stores because of that.

No warning whatsoever, I was about to walk in the building when I got a call from my temp agency saying Sutter wanted to end their relationship with me. They never gave me any warning or indication this was happening. There were many things I didn't like about that job although I didn't think it showed. No one talked to me about ANYTHING EVER. I wish I knew what happened. I am meeting with Prince Perelson Tuesday at 10am so I hope to find out exactly what happened then.

Wow! I've never had this happen to me before. I didn't like the clock attached to the computer that kept an accounting of anytime when you were gone from the desk. It sooo wasn't working however so it is alright and I won't fight it ALTHOUGH finding another job sucks. Something needed to change. I told my mother I would quit as soon as I could. I was trying to make it work so I can work in real estate but it didn't ultimately matter. I cannot believe I am here.

The county emailed me yesterday asking for my transcripts. I thought the Children's Librarian jobs were all closed. I keep trying to check with them if they received my information for sure but I got connected to two different voicemails.

Annoying didn't accept my friend request. I haven't had a conversation with him in years and the last time we were in the same place we didn't exchange any words. It was my attempt to try to change that but I don't know how to do that. Apparently that was the wrong way but I don't know what else to do.

I was looking at my friend's page who cuts my hair. I never asked him if he was gay but he used to have pictures posted on his page with some guy I can only assume was his boyfriend. He likes to look good which I really like too. I don't know what that is. I've ALWAYS loved dressing up and looking good. He is a good friend and I want to be the positive church friend in his life so I was happy when he told me he'll take me on a small hike. ME hiking???!!! I told him it's a white thing to do. He is half white and half Tongan but he looks more Tongan to me as does his sister. We're going to do a small hike in a couple Sundays. We like a lot of the same things and then he's Poly too. If he was older I'm sure we would've hung out in the past. He let his beard grow which I haaate although the hairdresser thing means he dresses well all the time and his hair is cut and dyed well all the time too.

He looks and acts very masculine. He is tall and built. The only thing about him I get any hint of his possibly being gay is that he is a very good hairdresser. He is THE BEST I've EVER gone to and that is saying something. It'll be fun to hang out with him even if it is on a hike. I am making an exception for him because I want to get to know him better and I want him to return to church.

I wish they would hurry up and tell me my schedule's changed. I NEED a social life now. Saturday we had our late memorial celebration. I loved Alisa's BBQ chicken. She had a lot of ginger and sesame oil and it was the bomb. I FINALLY got my hair cut at Lunatic Fringe with my friend from my mission ages ago Nick Makihele. I am pretty sure he's gay although I haven't come out and asked him. He blunt cut my bangs and cut a lot of the length off.

He was telling me he has always liked hiking and even did it in Sacramento. I told him I don't do that. He said he goes hiking on Sundays and that he'd take me. I had to take him up on his offer. I don't know how else to be a friend to him or fellowship him or anything. How do you fellowship an RM who is gay now? He is still the best hair person who's ever touched my hair. He is VEEERY good.

I saw this Tongan girl Moe in the temple. I feel bad because I always avoided her because she always got the hell on my nerves and I used to call her psychotic. Now I really think she is psychotic and my other Tongan friend at church was telling me we should visit her. It's one thing to avoid her because I can't stand her. Now she really is mentally sick. I'm not sure how to help her but I feel I need to do that.

I saw Charney briefly when I went to get my hair cut but I was late so I couldn't chat very long with her. She works at the Marriott now and has stopped Nordstrom. I kept thinking about annoying tonight and even with everything I don't like I still want to try to be his friend again. I just added him on Facebook. I hope we can get past the contention. I feel like there's this huge wall between us and it hurt that he avoided me so completely but even with that and despite that I still want to know how he's doing so I do still care about him. I want to know if he graduated yet and if he's seeing anyone.

I have to try this at least. Heavenly Father has never led me more strongly to anyone else and I don't take that lightly. I am not going to let my pride stop me from exploring this more if there is anything to explore there at all. He has told me point blank he's not interested in me but I've never believed that. I'm not an idiot although it sure feels that way whenever I think about how he made me feel. I have to do this now before I am interested in someone else. I know how great he is even if he hides that very well sometimes.

He does not know how to treat women. I am trying to revive our friendship now before I meet someone who does and I forget to value his testimony, faith and desire to do good. His potential is so huge and I know that. He is like some sort of hidden treasure. His worth is huge but it's not wrapped in a pretty package although he's good-looking, he just doesn't behave well. It can be so off-putting.

I hope he accepts my friend request and I hope I see him again at something. Of course I have to get a new work schedule or that will never happen.