Urban Poly Princess

Her ribs were scrumptious and the Hawaiian boys' curry was yummy too. Lif, Emily, Darcy and Cindy were the other girls - Richard Sloan, Richard Stephenson, Ben White and Teancum were there too. It was a very Hawaii night with me and the 2 Hawaiian boys there. I kept thinking about annoying and how he was probably at Renee's house since I know she hosts these too and the one thing I ever attended that she held annoying's roommate attended although he didn't. I was glad because I didn't want to see him then. I'm pretty sure they go there a lot. Renee actually wore blue today which is rare for her since she is forever wearing her maroon shirt to church. It is rare when she wears anything else. She looks good in blue.

He probably sees her on a regular basis which I haaate. I don't know how when where or even if I'll ever see him again but I hope I do and quick. This is pretty much hell. I know Nick isn't right for me. Even if nothing ever happens with annoying I know I can't have Nick. I'm already in employment hell. I guess EVERY area of my life gets to be hell before it gets better. I am happy I set a deadline for myself with annoying but now I really feel like a basketcase. I know fasting makes you more sensitive BUUUT it is also supposed to help me feel stronger. I just feel more sensitive and crybabyish right now.

If anything I'm glad I figured out my Nick friend. He can come back to church through his family. Once he is back I can develop our friendship, not before that. I'm not going to play with fire. Steve just lost his mother and is with his family this weekend in California. She died on the 12th. I feel bad for him and I hope he is blessed with what he needs right now.

I have to remember if I've done everything I can, it is good and it will be good and as our father in heaven would have it be. I keep asking myself if I've done everything and I feel like I have. Sooo it's great I saw annoying and we talked BUUUT again it might as well have never happened if I'm never going to see him again. I know there are lots of mid-singles activities all the time and I'll get the chance to see him maybe at one of those but that's not how I want it to be at all. I want him to want to see me and want to talk to me and get to know me better. At some level I don't doubt he feels that way at all but his actions tell me nothing. I know there have been Bountiful/MP 19th temple days and even a fireside but I've always avoided those because I didn't want to run into him. If I can't have everything I don't want anything.