Urban Poly Princess

I wonder if I am in the early stages of depression. I just want to lay in bed and not do anything. That's how I felt yesterday before I got that email from the County and I made myself get up to get to the library where the internet is solid and I could email my application AGAIN!!! Maybe that's why I love Zumba, it releases endorphins to give me a psychological boost. Prince Perelson emailed me to change our appointment to tomorrow at 10:00. We are having our EMZ 80s BBQ party tomorrow so I don't need to get up early tomorrow. I just need to figure out what to take. I signed up for ward dinners so I am going to attend Sunday but really I don't feel like being social. I bet that's why I'm an ambivert. I feel comfortable by myself and in a crowd too.

I went to our FHE regional picnic not just to talk to annoying but to socialize too and meet new people but after I talked to annoying I had no desire to do that at all. Nothing was wrong with our conversation, I really wasn't up to socializing with anyone. Cara approached me and asked how I was doing. One of her friends came by and spoke to her. She talked to Cara about how she has several jobs one of which is selling car wax. She told Cara she makes good money or 10% commission. Cara told me I should do that. I felt like slapping her and crying at the same time. Oh hell no I don't think so. She is very sweet and meant no ill will BUT I have lots of management experience and over 8 years librarian experience. I want to do sales but ONLY when it is worthwhile and Real Estate is how I want to do sales period.

I met one new guy who approached me but I don't remember his name. He looked alright I didn't have much energy to converse with him and luckily some girl from my ward knows him and interrupted us. I remember she told me her name is Lori. He is in the newly-created Holladay ward. There are so many opportunities to meet LDS midsingles here. I need to take advantage of that. Maybe Lori likes him and didn't like that he was talking to the new girl. I'm not exactly shy and I will talk to anyone I want to talk to or get to know better. Yesterday however I was lethargic. I am glad I talked to annoying but I barely did that.

The job thing feels like I keep running at full speed into a brick wall and like an idiot keep doing that over and over again AND while I do that I have to paste on one of my PCC smiles and act happy and content because who the hell wants to hire someone who is psychotic. My first job was when I was 14 and worked as a dancer at PCC. I was spoiled. I always thought getting my MBA would make finding a new job easier. It sure doesn't feel that way.

I just don't know what it's going to take. It is harder when you're done with school and need a GOOD job that pays at least more than I was making before AND I'm not talking about my very brief stint at Sutter Health. I never should've taken that job although it did allow me to fly to St. George and present at the ULA conference. I presented at the last 3 ULA conferences. I want to be able to work that into an interview. First I need to get damn interviews.

I don't regret my degrees. I know they'll pay off sooner or later it is just the later that sucks. I don't think I'll even believe it when I finally get a librarian job again. It is why I want to do real estate. I want to make the money I want to whether I have another source of income or not. Why I'm trying to do commercial real estate first is because it is something I can do without paying all my own fees and essentially operating a business. I guess I'm not as depressed as I've been feeling.

I am crying while I write this which is bad because it infects my contacts and I am on my last pair of clear and blue contacts. I have to get an eye exam before I can buy more. I was due for one in November but I bought a lot last year my eyes haven't changed in the last 7 years but I have to get yearly exams or they won't sell me any new contacts.

Maybe I'm not depressed. I have the gospel in my life and I have never been more qualified or prepared to make a lot of money at a job I love. I haven't prayed as hard as I can about this. I am so blessed despite this overall suckiness right now.