Urban Poly Princess

I don't feel bad about waiting to find out about the County librarian positions because I don't want to start something and then have to quit if I do get it. This is the limit for me and I will look for a good job period even if it isn't a librarian job. My first goal is to get my real estate fees paid and begin my real estate business. Keller and Williams is the place I feel most comfortable with so far.

That email that came to the start of my account for some reason - I have submitted my resume and I was supposed to follow-up with them Monday but now I'm not going to contact them until the beginning of the following week or almost the end of June or the 29th. I am going to go hardcore to find a job if something doesn't transpire by then. I want the county opening and my interview was perfect, I wish I had some faith but I don't at all. I don't know how I expect to get a job that way but it is what it is.

Last night I was watching TV and my mother came in telling me she just had a warning for me that she couldn't help me. I told her she didn't help me which of course ticked her off. She told me about some girl she is helping who had a couple dreams. She is dating some non-member, hasn't gone to church in a year and she needs counsel to return to church and find a member to date. HELLO!!! My mother then said I wanted to wash my clothes in her dream but she couldn't help me wash them so then she accused me of not doing something right, for not repenting of something which is why I don't have a job yet. I was sooo ticked off at her. SERIOUSLY???!!! I asked her what I had to repent of and she said I have spent my money unwisely. I just wanted to scream at her. I told her I'm an ordinance worker in the temple AND I go to church every week and take the sacrament each week unlike her.

She told me she had 3 dreams for this girl asking her for help. My mother lives by her dreams and if anyone doesn't agree with her she says we aren't doing what the Lord wants us to do. When I told her Heavenly Father told me I can live where I want to live she dismissed that saying I'm not asking the right questions or I would get the same answer she keeps getting which is I will move somewhere for a job. I keep asking her where that might be but she can't answer that. She keeps accusing me of not being humble and she keeps saying if I had an answer it would be the same as hers. I also keep telling her the revelation she is receiving for these people does not follow the pattern set for revelation in the church and she is making her own doctrine. She told me 2 separate bishops told her it is her gift.

I don't think a gift would manifest itself like this OR provide information contrary to the pattern of revelation established.

She is driving me crazy. She was so upset with me last night. I was so angry with her. I don't know why I'm not being blessed with a job. I went to school, I even got a damn extra master degree - IT STILL HASN'T HELPED ME.  I have absolutely no faith I will get a librarian job EVER. This is the pattern the Lord has followed in my life however. It is when I am utterly done, frustrated, crying and on my last $150.00 that he comes but right now I'm just going through the motions and I don't believe it'll ever happen. I still have my plan however. Maybe I have officially gone crazy through living with my psychotic mother who only seems to hear the sound of her own voice.

The most important revelation we receive is what we receive ourself. I really did pray about it and I really did receive revelation because when I lived in Logan I was so sick of hearing about all these people, "Who just knew they were supposed to be there." Even annoying said the same thing. In a singles ward if you saw that the unspoken implication is because you are supposed to meet your spouse there. Annoying didn't beat around the bush he came out and said he was supposed to be there for his future wife.

Despite that he moved to Layton and remains there. Probably because he knows who he is supposed to be with and he is deliberately choosing not to do anything about that. I shouldn't be so harsh. BUUUT I don't doubt he knows that as well as I do. However I don't think just because someone doesn't heed that life is over. That just wouldn't be fair and God is perfectly just and fair. I am confident if annoying and I never get together I will be led somewhere else. I just wish it didn't take so damn long for me. I can honestly say I have done everything I can to find my husband and to be worthy of the person I've been promised. My Patriarchal blessing actually tells me to be positive.

I really need that now. I certainly don't feel positive today. I am tired of crying for nothing. Why is this so damn hard. Why can't I get a damn librarian job? I've done everything right professionally - I got an MBA in addition to my MLS - that was such a blessing and I want it to result in Library Administration. I took the additional Consumer Health Information Specialist training and finished level 1 certification from the Medical Library Association, I started a damn local professional librarian association in a town I couldn't stand, I attended AND presented at ULA the last 3 years. I've been a member of ULA and ALA the last 4. REALLY how else can I prepare? I worked as a substitute librarian for the county for 3 1/2 years 6 months of which I did from Logan.

I aced my interview. STILL I don't believe I'll get it or anything. Even when I trained for the last job from hell I kept feeling like they were going to come in and take me aside and tell me they made a mistake and I didn't get the job. I FINALLY spoke to Sophie about Sutter. I asked her why they fired me. They told her because I didn't want to take the testing - HELLO this consisted of a single question they'd email us each day. I didn't turn it in the first day because I asked the team lead for the answer. THEY NEVER SAID A THING TO ME AND MY SUPERVISOR CANCELLED EVERY 1-ON-1-MEETING WE HAD SCHEDULED.

I really feel like I was fired ONLY because it was important for me to rekindle my friendship with annoying BUUUT that feels like it was a damn waste of time and I have absolutely no faith in that either although I will wait until the end of June to move on but then I am sooo moving on. I know that's not the right attitude to have but I feel crappy, not sick just emotionally crappy. I am numb. I really am I crybaby. If I'm numb why the hell do I keep crying for nothing?