Urban Poly Princess

So I didn't have anything specific to pray about. The chapel was FULL. I think it was another ward's temple night too. I saw our Business Dean there with his wife. It was strange to see him in that context. I sat in the second row to the back and some women had to sit on the men's side. I saw the guy who has a thing for me and I got annoyed because I think he was just there to see me. I want someone who goes to the temple on his own whether I go there or not!!! BUT that's not what was strange. During the beginning of the actual session I kept thinking about ALL the things that have REALLY upset me about my friend. BUT I'm completely past that so why the dwelling and magnifying???!!! I didn't like that so I asked if I'm supposed to move on BUT I didn't get that at ALL. It's like anything negative about him came to mind AND I felt very crappy. So I kept asking why am I feeling this. Why would I think about this? It's like I had to acknowledge that AND still choose him. I refuse to believe my Father in Heaven would want me to be with a bad person.

The gospel is joy NOT feeling awful and I started to cry during the session it felt so horrible. I managed to compose myself so everyone didn't have to wonder what was with the waterworks. I asked AGAIN if this is what I'm supposed to do AND I keep getting the same answer. I've asked so many times and received my answer so many times I'm scared every time I ask that I'll turn into Martin Harris and get another answer then screw up my eternity but I know my father in heaven loves me very much and that isn't going to happen to me. Why this???!!! Out of nowhere for nothing. I have MANY shortcomings. I'm sure if that's all someone focused on I'd be as horrible as my friend seemed tonight in my head. I really liked him when I first met him. He was so easy to talk to because I don't have to draw pictures for him or get too lost in my thoughts like I do sometimes when someone can't keep up and because I can't be bothered to explain what I mean all the time. He was hilarious. He still is and I know we can get back there. Why would this happen to me at the temple? It doesn't make sense AND the spirit makes sense.

In the veil room I start getting these cramps from who knows where. I just had my period about 2 weeks ago so it's not that and I don't get the debilitating cramps some women get BUT tonight I did. So weird and NOT cool. I feel better now. That was just weird. I prayed in the celestial room to have the strength to follow the spirit. Going to the temple is supposed to give me added spiritual power. This time I felt emotionally and physically drained. I'm not sure what the deal is. I do know I didn't like it.