Urban Poly Princess

Tonight Heidi told us they are changing the nature of FHE and that we'll meet as a ward twice a month to strengthen our respective wards. Steven Haderlie is in the other ward so I didn't feel like taking ANYONE to my Wednesday thing. Justin called me tonight. I should call him back tomorrow. I could take him and NOT worry about anything. He is beautiful and kind. There's one solution for me. Jon came to FHE. He annoys me so very much. He texted me 3x today. It is difficult because my calling means I have to deal with him at all. The other Curtis in our ward came to FHE. I hope this one didn't hear I have a thing for him. This one is alright. Not bad-looking and maybe interesting but I haven't seen anything to make me feel like even trying to find out.

The other Curtis is fine and he looks like a model. Get a grip. If someone told him I think he's fine or interested in him and he believed that he is an idiot. This one isn't bad-looking, he just doesn't seem to have much of a personality. Actually he could be hot if he knew how to dress. ALSO if he had some social skills at all. This other Curtis actually reminds me of Mark. They could both be hot if they knew how to put themselves together and gained a little confidence. I don't intend to say anything to this other one AT ALL.

Diantha and I visited 2 homes but met 3 girls in person that we invited to our ward and activities.

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts befull, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

When I read 33 I kept looking for these "cry" scriptures. I didn't realize they were in 34. I am so glad the day is almost over. I hope FHE is good tonight. I'm keeping my eyes peeled for someone I might want to take to the freedom fire thing at USU stadium. Steven Haderlie is probably the only one that'll be there tonight. That is another quality I like, that he is active and tries to support the ward all the time. If only he looked the way I wish he did.

I have my new aligners in. They took FOREVER for them to fit attachments in.They are pretty much the same as the red white and blue aligners I had before and actually the material feels thinner. 2 weeks for each aligner and they sent me 10 which should be fine. I hope this FINALLY does what I want these to do and closes the spaces on the sides of my teeth. I have 2 attachments on the top and 2 on the bottom. They are supposed to speed up the process. I have 10 trays total. The dental assistant said she's seen 50 trays for a single person before so I am lucky. I should be done with this in November. I will see him every 6 weeks or after wearing 3 trays so I should see him 4 times with the last time only being the final appointment when I'm done.

Today FHE is outreach. I am fine doing that if someone else drives. I don't have a bunch of gas to use driving all over the place. We will just see what happens later.

Jon just texted me saying the sisters want to have an active member lesson with me. What is that? I told him to have them contact me.

I was looking at his posts on his Facebook page and he is still living life just to survive and going out all the time. He should have a life right now. He is too old to be living that way. He is NOT husband material. As much as I love him and had fun with him the difference was it was B4 my mission and AFTER his. I still love looking good, dressing to kill AND going out BUT I want a future. I especially want a family. I feel like he's still living like a student with no responsibilities or idea or desire to improve his life in any area.

Then what about me and my stupid choices? I should be all about Stephen Haderlie. He's accepted to Georgetown University meaning he'll be moving to DC and studying to be an attorney. I ALWAYS wanted to be married to an attorney. Law school takes 3 years. I am confident Stephen Haderlie will make the money sufficient to support a family well given the time. I've ALWAYS wanted to live in DC. A librarian's average salary in DC is $75,000. He's had the spiritual glow. I can support us until he's making the big bucks AND it would be great to stay in DC. I would looove to live there AND raise my family there.

I can force myself and ask him out Wednesday. Can I handle being with someone I'm not attracted to at all? The thing is I don't want to ask him out. I want to ask Curtis out BUUUT I have nothing in common with him from what I can see and he doesn't even have an associate's degree. I certainly don't want to live in Wellsville at ALL and I think he's going to live there forever.

The very pretty girl I see with Myrick a lot came to church with some guy today that kept putting his arm around her shoulders. I'm not sure how Myrick felt about that. I get the sense he's the one putting the brakes on their relationship. I don't want to ask Stephen Haderlie out. I want to pray about it but I'm afraid I'll get told to do it. I didn't have to pray about annoying or Rich. I was just led there or away from there.

Am I going to regret not doing anything about Stephen Haderlie for the rest of my life. I don't think heavenly father wants any of us to force ourselves to be with anyone.

Damn flies keep finding their way into my apartment. I keep killing them with the plastic covers from my plastic shoe boxes. GROSS!!! Julie found a job in Salt Lake and will be moving soon. I'm so happy for her. She was actually let go from her current job and they told her they couldn't afford to keep her. She's going to be creating training modules for companies who contract with her employer.

Curtis disappeared from church as did Keri which made me sad because I decided in sacrament meeting to FINALLY just ask him out to the fireworks on Wednesday. There was another new guy in our combined RS/Priesthood meeting who was checking me out. Sure enough he came over to talk to me after sacrament meeting. He is good-looking although he isn't fine AND he definitely didn't look like a model BUT that is rare. I was going to ask him out instead for Wednesday UNTIL he started talking about his kids. YEAH NOOO!!! He's originally from San Diego which I REALLY like but he went to Bear River High for his senior year which is where Colton and Uly graduated from. He spent his senior year there.

His dad moved their family to Tremonton when he got a job at ATK as a computer programmer. So much for my plan to watch the fireworks. I DON'T want to find some girl to watch it with. Maybe I'll give away my tickets. There is no one else I want to ask out.

Curtis AND Keri didn't come. I know what he told her BUT she is gorgeous and sweet. They both don't really attend church or activities and she likes the outdoors. They probably have a lot in common. We don't have anything in common BUT I will still get to know him better if I ever get a chance to do that.

This new guy is Alex and he is very nice BUUUT yeah I don't know if I can date anyone with children. Stephen Haderlie sat near me and I heard him tell some girl he's starting law school in the Fall. What the hell is my problem. He is righteous AND he is living the life I want. He just doesn't do it for me physically BUT he is brilliant, ambitious AND righteous. He has all the qualities I'm looking for and I can't handle the way he looks???!!! Annoying's ugly vet friend came to RS/Elder's Quorum then she disappeared. It would've been much better if Curtis was there instead of her.

I got there just in the nick of time. I still made it just fine to prayer meeting. I worked the name issue twice with one lady who looks very old who has worked in the temple for 19 1/2 years. She is from Wellsville originally and has lived in Cache Valley her entire life but mostly in Logan with her husband. She told me Wellsville was originally settled by a polygamist family with 3 wives. She told me she's from one of them. YES she's probably related to Curtis somehow. She told me I was very pretty. That was nice although she has some interesting notions about Polys.

The news does a great job of publicizing the abhorrent gang activity when Pacific Islander gangs represent a negligible percentage of this. Why not focus on the White and Mexican gangs. Anapesi had some statistics that make the media coverage ridiculous. There are also Asian gangs but their activity is similarly ridiculous to report. Tongans, Samoans and Polys in general have intimidating physical statures. This is probably why they are ridiculous media targets. This lady's uncle served a mission to Tonga long ago with his wife. He finished his mission despite losing his wife there. Following his mission he paid a significant amount of money to ship her body here. I don't get that at all. My uncle who lives in Hawaii really wanted to ship my dad's body to Hawaii. Of course that's when my brother and mother still lived there. I am grateful they didn't do that especially since they both moved to Utah. They just couldn't leave me alone!

I love my father very much and it is a good thing to visit his grace ocassionally BUUUT I will NEVER be like some of my Tongan relatives who visit the graves of their loved ones on a regular basis. Why and what the hell for???!!! We ALL have the gospel. We know they are certainly not at their graves so what is the purpose of that. I can remember them without ever visiting their graves.

I saw this Tongan lady Siu in initiatories today. I worked there twice. It was nice to see her there. She was crying because the dates of some of the names were from the 1800s and they had waited so long to have their work done. Earlier some lady asked me if sometimes I felt like the people accepted the work on the other side. She and Siu made me think. When I do temple work I love thinking about all the promises and blessings I am receiving. Both of these women reminded me that temple work is being done for real people and not just for my benefit although technically I know that. And that is the only thing dangerous about working in the temple. It is sacred and significant. It is the most holy place on earth we can feel our Savior's love and presence. I have to always keep the privilege it is for me to perform these ordinances precious and fresh. Becoming jaded about the temple is NOOOT cool. I need it regularly but since I work there I have to make the effort and give it the reverence it demands all the time.

I met this other lady who isn't as old as the lady from Wellsville but she has worked at the temple over 23 years. She is from Logan but has lived for the most part in River Heights. My apartment is right at the edge of Providence AND River Heights. I love my location. Sister Henrie sent me an email reminding me to bring cookies tomorrow for Linger Longer.

I wonder what's wrong with my car. There is a Mateaki BBQ with my extended family on the 4th in Salt Lake City. I'm not driving with my car like this. I haaate that check engine light. It feels alright now that I don't run the AC. The Ford dealer guy told me it probably wasn't the compressor. When my alternator was bad the AC quit working first. I get paid on the 4th since the 5h is Saturday. Actually maybe I'll get paid on the 3rd because of the holiday. I need to check my account. I'm so glad I paid my rent on my last check. I hope my car repairs aren't too extensive. This check is supposed to eliminate my bills and let me have an EXCESS. Why do things like this keep happening all the time?

Regardless I'm happy I paid my rent and $100 for August too. I'd like to pay more of August with this check and not be scrimping so much. I need to return to buying and eating healthy food all the time.

I arrived in West Jordan around 3pm and went to my cousin's house for directions. My niece told me how to get there and it is actually where she attends school and where my cousin teaches. The church is right next to it. I stopped at the dollar store to buy a tray and cookies. Through doing lots of events that is easy, so is the sandwich thing. I should've done that too or instead of. 2 big bowls filled with sandwiches, I like my chicken, cashews, purple grapes, celery and mayo mix. If you just buy a bunch of rolls, tear them apart and fill them with sandwich meat they are perfect. Sam's club also has mini cheesecakes, top with jam and put on those pretty trays and you're good to go. When I don't have time I do that for potlucks. The plastic crystal trays dress it up and are perfect for... WHITE potlucks. I haven't been to a Poly party in awhile. I should've made and took a tray of musubi, yes, A TRAY. People bought a couple stouffer lasagnas, meatballs, rolls sandwiches, chicken curry, chinese wonton salad, and someone brought 10 boxes of Little Caesar's pizza.

I went there after 4pm, almost an hour late BUUUT thanks to Polynesian time it hadn't started yet AND it took another hour to begin. There was a friendly Tongan girl who greeted me there but I couldn't figure out who she was. Now I think I know who it is. She gained a lot of weight and I feel bad now. That was Gina. She was in my Tongan Singles ward and she married my friend from Hawaii Pelman. She's my Facebook friend. I feel so horrible I think I need to send her a message. I just did that.

It was so nice to see so many friends that I haven't seen forever. Mata's family feels like my family too. Channel 2 News did a story on the party which was nice.

What was I thinking when I took my little bowl of cookies there??? I bought more cookies today since I have to take that Sunday for Linger Longer. On my drive home I stopped at Walmart because I felt sleepy. When I started the car it felt weird so I turned off the AC which seemed to help. I parked the car and checked the oil, it was fine!!! I got in the car again and the check engine light lit up. I went to Autozone just off the road going into sardine canyon. They said nothing showed up when they hooked up their little machine and told me to check with the dealer.

Extremely frustrated I drive to the dealer who tells me it'll be an hour wait and unless the light is flashing I can still drive to Logan in that condition, which I do but the pressure light keeps coming on which usually means there's something up with the tires so I pull into the only gas station on that stretch of road until we get to Logan. So I'm in Wellsville where I often stop to check the air in my tires because air is free there before I travel through sardine canyon and then on the freeway to Salt Lake City. I wonder how close Curtis' house is to that gas station. I went to Wellsville once to invite the librarian at the elementary school there and then at the junior high school to join our Cache Valley Library Association we started about a year after I first moved here. It is very tiny.

I am always struck by how deprived I am living here when I start to think West Jordan is a nice town. NOOO it isn't!!! Cottonwood is a nice town, Sugarhouse is a nice town, West Jordan is Mediocre. It is just nice when compared to Logan. Andrew texted me today that although he didn't agree with me he still loved me. He made sure to clarify NOT in a romantic way. DUHHH... I want to make it alright with us again but I'm not ready to chat with him AT ALL.

When I got home there was a pretty cardboard butterfly box at my front door. It said I was bitten by the love bug and it was filled with mini candybars, tootsie rolls and notes with positive things like I like your hair, you're beautiful, I like your style, Thank you for your service in the temple, You are spunky and you have a good sense of humor. These were all written by different people. I'm thinking sweet RS sisters. It was so nice of them to do that. That is such an LDS-girl thing to do and it is so sweet.

I don't allow myself to get close to people very easily. Especially women. I have enough friends. Now it seems like women try very hard to get to know me better but while I enjoy some women most I am fine not to see or hang out with. I love my friend Deb Martrona. She is divorced and has a daughter. I am glad I met her in my real estate class.

I am just thinking I met Joseph at the bank today in Rose Park. I was in sweats and a t-shirt and I was about to pick up my mother and drive home. I didn't want to see ANYONE and I had absolutely nooo makeup on. So of course that's when I run into Joseph. He was in my class when I trained bill collectors for First Security Bank. I saw him a couple years ago at our ULA conference. We had a reception at the Hilton downtown and he worked there then. It was good to see him although he works in some sort of finance and he wanted my number. I tried to deflect that by asking if he had a card BUT he persisted. I gave it to him BUUUT I don't think he's LDS although he is extremely good-looking kind and communicates well. I hope he has a family. I think his interests are making me a client which I'm not interested in doing or becoming.

I don't date people who are not active members. I certainly don't date nonmembers despite their good qualities. He gave me a card from when he ran for office once. I REALLY hope that means he has a family.

Alma 32
16 Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized withoutstubbornness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, or even compelled to know, before they will believe.

I like this verse and chapter very much. It is one of the chapters everyone reads over and over again. I really like this verse because it reveals that it is ideal to maximize our potential AND THEN be humble and committed to our father in heaven. I like this very much. We don't want tragic circumstances and challenges. An amazing life WITH accompanying humility is what we aim for.

I immediately called Resource Mate or rather Jaywil Software out of Canada. I also purchased support with them. NOOO I shouldn't lose all my data!!! This should make me very happy. INSTEAD I am VERRRY upset with Dale still REALLY???!!! Is this just another bumpkin thing??? I don't mind working hard, HARD NOT STUPID!!! I'd much rather work SMART!!!

I will ALWAYS do my  part and be the professional BUTTT I guess stupid is as stupid does!!! Thank U Forest Gump!!! It just seems very appropriate in this circumstance.

I am calming down and should be sufficiently ready to head out to SLC when Sharon gets here. I'm excited to go to Jabari's UT draft party. I hope we have the best turn-out. They['re having one in the Bay and one in LA. Mata's doing the one in LA while Mele's older sister is throwing the one in the Bay and Mele of course is working it out here.

I need my makeup brushes, straightener and mascara. I'll  make a quick stop before the looong journey.

I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I LEARNED TODAY ABOUT MY SYSTEM AND ABOUT MY PRINTER. APPARENTLY DALE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSFER WHAT I NEED TO A NEW COMPUTER. HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO INSTALL THE ID PRINTER EITHER. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE FREAKING GOOGLE SO YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO DO THIS. DALE GOES INTO SURGERY AND RECOVERY BEGINNING FRIDAY. MR. JAMES, AN ADJUNCT TEACHER HERE GOES ON VACATION IN A WEEK. I NEED HIS ASSISTANCE TOO.

I WISH I COULD GET MY BROTHER DOWN HERE TO FIGURE THIS STUFF OUT FOR ME. ACTUALLY I JUST MAY DO THAT. THIS IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND I AM GOING TO HAVE MY SYSTEM RUNNING WHETHER DALE IS HERE OR NOT!!! AND MY ID PRINTER IS GOING TO GET HOOKED UP AS WELL.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE ME A NEW SYSTEM BECAUSE HE SUSPECTED THIS WOULD HAPPEN SO HIS SOLUTION WAS TO LET THE COMPUTER RUN DOWN SO MUCH THAT THE OTHER THINGS DON'T WORK AND THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM. I AM SO UPSET.

This is Mata's nephew. I remember his older sister at his house but I don't remember saying much to her. We used to call her Flo Jo. I remember she had very nice stilettos. She was still single then. I wonder when she started dating her current husband Sonny Parker. I think he played for the Golden Nuggets. I'm excited for her and Mata's entire family. I don't care about basketball but I want to be supportive. My nephew Sione plays basketball. I hope he grows tall like his big sister Noelani. My brother is only 5 "10.

I think Mata's 6 "2 or he could be 6 "1. I wonder how tall Curtis is. In his sister's wedding pictures he's the tallest in his family. He just didn't strike me as tall. I think he's 5"11 or 6 feet tall but I'm not sure. He could be my brother's height too.

I can't believe I'm driving to Salt Lake City for a party. I can spend the night at my mom's house and then drive back Friday for the temple Saturday. Dale just told me my library system is going away and that we can't even get support for the version I have because we never updated it. I want to scream I am so verrry ticked.

I'm glad I'm going to Jabari's draft party tomorrow. It is sooo the break I need.

I added my friend Mata on Facebook. He was my best friend at the Y. He is really old right now but I'm not sure exactly how old and he doesn't like to talk about it either. He was a model when I met him and dressed to kill. He was so much fun ... BUT... he DEFINITELY had a gay vibe. He is very tall and he used to be thin too although not too skinny like most of my friends who fell into that mode were. We both loved clothes and going out and decking out. Find a friend who enjoys shopping, dressing up AND going dancing AND is Tongan and I had a blast my freshman year at the Y. I met and hung out with his sisters too. Mata and his family are like family to me although I haven't been close to him for a long time. He had a friend who owned a boutique and he produced a fashion show for her at Utah Valley University. He had me MC. It was a blast. Three of our friends modeled in the show for him.

While he finished an undergraduate degree at BYU-Hawaii he never finished his graduate degree at the U. He lives and works in LA now. I last saw him when he was in grad school. While we were still friends and did stuff together sometimes it wasn't like before. We were struggling students at the Y. That should've stopped when we went to grad school. Before my mission I thought his testimony was fine. That's only because I didn't know any better. Spiritually I didn't like where he was at.

I asked him outright if he was gay and he asked me what that had to do with our friendship. He was right. It shouldn't have anything to do with it. So I quit asking.

He hung out a lot with my cousin which was fine but I didn't like that he asked her for money. I ALSO didn't like that he talked to her about what she should do with her husband. I wanted her to talk to her bishop or no one. I didn't like where he was spiritually when I returned from my mission. The gospel is the center of my life. It isn't looking good, shopping or going out all the time. Mata was an RM when I met him. After my mission I either spent time with like-minded individuals or no one.

I like people to live life deliberately, to be conscious of how their choices shape them continuously. We have to choose how we will live. We have so many choices and it is only through working on these things, setting goals, adjusting these as needed BUT continually progressing to become the amazing children of our father-in-heaven who is also our Heavenly King who we revere and should live to become like him.

I feel good about my response to Hilary. I don't think the church operates in a vacuum and while I don't believe the church is subject to public opinion, the history of the church and blacks receiving the priesthood reveal that many things happened BECAUSE the sentiment of the time. Joseph Smith ordained many black saints to the priesthood. This was ended only with Brigham Young. Any statements made by apostles and even the prophet at the time and any other time when they were denied the priesthood is NOT church doctrine. The church admits as much on its website now.

This is why I hate when people speculate. There is much said about why women don't have the priesthood by various members of the church. Preistesses are mentioned in the scriptures however and in the temple most of the ordinances I am able to perform begin with me stating, "Having authority" or in one instance "Under proper authority" this is priesthood power whether I ever "receive" the priesthood or not. If women are given the priesthood I don't have a problem with it. If I never receive it however, I don't have a problem either.

I am certainly not going to campaign to get ordained. Ordain women has opened the dialogue. I don't approve of treating the church like the government. Our leadership is not voted on and we don't remove people if we don't like them in the positions they fill. My friend Hilary said the timing of our revelation is too convenient and I suppose it can seem that way to many people. If I didn't have my personal spiritual experiences I could come to the same conclusion. The gospel is NOT something that can be intellectually figured out or proven.

That is more than alright with me. Feelings are the most significant experiences for anyone. We love our family and that is something we feel intensely. Yes we spend time with them AND our parents care for us as we grow up BUUUT the feelings are what give these relationships validity. You don't fall in love with someone you don't know BUUUT once you do fall for them they are the source of your greatest joy and your greatest pain. All of this explains why to me a testimony is so powerful.

Could this Kelley lady be ahead of her time like my non-member friend Hilary suggests? OF COURSE!!! It is possible. Does that mean I'm going to join her movement or ANY movement and actively campaign against the church? NEVER!!! That is the whole problem I have with her and ordain women.

I get annoyed with all the speculators who discuss how they don't want the priesthood and that the Lord doesn't want us to hold it, that somehow for women to hold the priesthood it would undermine men. NOOO! that's not true OR it could be BUUUT it has not been revealed and is at best speculation. Motherhood is also often cited as why women don't have the priesthood. AGAIN where the hell does it EVER say that???!!!

I just read an article that captures my feelings completely:

Steve Griffin | The Salt Lake Tribune Media members scramble to keep ahead of members and supporters of the Ordain Women, led by Hannah Wheelwright and Kate Kelly, center, as they walk to the Tabernacle on Temple Square to seek standby tickets to the all-male general priesthood meeting in Salt Lake City, Utah Saturday, April 5, 2014.

My friend and former coworker Hilary posted on my page. I had a post that the church is not subject to public scrutiny. I have a lot of likes and support BUT she left except when they reversed polygamy, gave the priesthood to blacks and then changed their stance on Gays. She lives in Utah and she isn't LDS. I basically told her I could see how she could come to that conclusion but that my belief was rooted in personal spiritual experiences I couldn't prove and that I certainly didn't share her opinion although I could see how she would come to that conclusion.

I have been an Archie fan since forever ago. Since American Idol but I actually remember him singing on Arsenio when he was 8??? He did an Alicia Keyes' Fallin' perfectly. That made me think he'd lean more to the R & B side but when he did idol he was in high school and did not have the R & B sound of his childhood. Despite that he was still excellent and the first runner-up which I didn't like but David Cook was good too although I'm not a fan. The next year I became a huge Adam Lambert fan and was disappointed again when Kris Allen won BUT while I was an Adam Lambert fan someone else sent me free Kris Allen and free Allison Iraheta CDs AND out of all of them I enjoyed and listened to Kris Allen the most. Adam and Allison helped me appreciate the rock I missed as a teenager because I listened exclusively to R & B, Rap and Hip Hop thanks to my brother DJ.

The POINT - anyway David Archuleta just returned from a mission and he has that glow, that physical look of virtue and goodness, the image of Christ in your countenance. I love that Archie said it is something you can see and tell in someone it is clean and pure like the temple. Curtis has that and I don't think he's been to the temple. Steven Haderlie has had it before too. Annoying never had that physical look. I'm not sure why although I think the spirit prompted me so much there because he was morally clean and he did work in the temple. I don't know why he doesn't have it.

It is why I even bother with Curtis at all. YES he is fine, that certainly doesn't hurt BUUUT that IS the reason why I will still try to get to know him better even with the lack of progress there. I just might drive to Mele's Jabari party. It sounds like so much fun.

I ate those homemade potato chips from Elements for lunch. They put this gourmet cheese on top with bacon bits and onions. It is delicious and would've been just fine with roasted veggies. Sooo I had chocolate cake for breakfast and potato chips with cheese sauce for lunch and I have absolutely no energy and I feel like there's a rock in my stomach.

So much for my return to healthy eating. Today has been awful.

O that I were an angel!!!

16 Now, when I think of the success of these my brethren my soul is carried away, even to the separation of it from the body, as it were, so great is my joy.

Now that's joy!!!

17 And now may God grant unto these, my brethren, that they may sit down in the kingdom of God; yea, and also all those who are the fruit of their labors that they may go no more out, but that they may praise him forever. And may God grant that it may be done according to my words, even as I have spoken. Amen.

Jabari is my friend from BYU Mata's nephew. He is sooo good. If I watched basketball I'd watch him. I'd love to go to this party they're having to see what happens. He'll probably be the first choice. He just looks black. You can't tell he's half Tongan. His mother grew up in Salt Lake City and is Mata's older sister. She married some black NBA player. I forgot who he used to play for. Jabari is incredible.

He was amazing at Duke this first year and decided to go Pro now. They are having a party his aunt is throwing in West Jordan. Technically I could go there BUUUT spending money on gas to drive there just for a party is really not the business. If I could magically find someone who wanted to take me there it would be wonderful. I always feel like I miss out living here in outer darkness.

We just got our tickets to Freedom Fire. I need to remember it is a fireworks show AND that I'll save $8 just to attend this thing plus get music from a choir and orchestra in addition to the twangy band. Country music is mandatory to celebrate the 4th, country music is mandatory to celebrate the 4th, country music is mandatory to celebrate the 4th... NO... I still don't believe that, BUT I am going to do it anyway.

I'm hungry. I wonder what specials Elements has going right now. Taco Tuesday doesn't start until 4pm. Lots of nice fish tacos. I can always do dinner to go there. I am craving their homemade potato chips right about now.

Decisions, decisions - Spend $6 on to-die-for potato chips or get a lot more to eat at some fast food joint nearby? ALSO I could go for Walmart's popcorn shrimp right now and that's just $2.50 and less carbs. I could get an entire pizza for $5 at Little Ceasar's OR a MickeyD combo meal for 3.78.

I think right now the chips are winning. I ate the last of the cake I made Sunday for a nutritious breakfast of champions!!!

There was a huuuge turnout... of WOMEN!!! The councilor served in New Zealand on his mission so he enjoyed talking to me. Mapquest DID NOT help me find his home although I followed the directions as well as I could. I finally had to ask some guy working on his lawn. The councilor told me when I was leaving that he wished I was in his ward and to come back because he'd love to have me over again. He misses his mission, Polynesia and Polys in general.

I was REALLY hoping I'd see Curtis there but he never made an appearance. I thought I'd finally get to talk to him but that did NOT happen. I am not going to assume anything BUT STILL it doesn't make me feel good. I don't know how I'm going to feel Sunday when I might actually see him but who knows he could disappear again. He shows up when I don't expect to see him and then when I do he is a no-show.

I just might die listening to them next week. They are very twangy and EXACTLY what I don't like about country music. I don't just sit there and listen to Hawaiian or Tongan music either. I don't like any of it. Neon Trees is local. Why couldn't someone arrange to have them. I could've done this event A LOT better. GRRR!!! I've thrown a lot of events so I am even more critical when something is crappy ALTHOUGH I went to that party in a barn  the other day. I can do this. I do like an orchestra AND a choir AND the band shouldn't play the entire time. The band is very good. They sound professional. If I just focus on that it'll be alright. I hope Curtis likes them.

I can also just keep thinking of how fine he is... MAYBE that'll make it better. It still might kill me however. Good test for me.Country music is part of the Curtis package so it is only appropriate that the first thing I do with him is this. I wonder if he has guns and goes shooting. Helene went shooting with Amanda. In 2 weeks she is going to take me. That is something I've wanted to do here for a long time. I had to look up Mile Marker 6 for an idea of what they sound like. I should've waited.

I should just delete those last few messages Andrew sent me because he just ticks me off more. I'm not going to bother responding to him. He said anyone who spends ANY time with Jake can tell he has several disabilities. UH... NOOO!!! So I'm not anyone and I'm an idiot is the implication. He ended with he asked me to fellowship Jake, I refused and he's not in our ward. YES Andrew I AM IN A SINGLE ADULT WARD. WE ARE TRRRYING TO GET PEOPLE IN OUR DAMN AGE GROUP TO ATTEND OUR WARD. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO DO THAT!!! THAT IS PART OF WHAT MY CALLING IS AS A WARD MISSIONARY. PEOPLE HAVE TO CHOOSE INITIALLY TO JOIN OUR WARD UNLIKE ALL OTHER GEOGRAPHICAL DIVISIONS!!!

Jake was at choir yesterday. Who the hell doesn't feel involved???!!! He will be invited to things as people get to know him better. I AM NOT GOING OUT OF MY WAY TO PROVIDE FELLOWSHIPPING FOR HIM. YES I WILL GO OUT OF MY WAY TO DO THAT FOR CURTIS BECAUSE I LIKE CURTIS!!! YES I DO TREAT PEOPLE I LIKE DIFFERENTLY AND THERE'S NOT ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

EVEN IF I KNEW JAKE WAS HANDICAPPED THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M TREATING HIM ANY DIFFERENTLY FROM ANY OTHER GUY IN MY WARD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GOT ON MY DAMN NERVES AGAIN!!! AND NOW

They will not have a headliner this year although I don't consider their previous bands headliners. The had an ABBA cover band last year. ABBA is the headliner. BYU's Stadium of Fire has Carrie Underwood. I like her even if she is country.

The American Festival Chorus and Orchestra will perform a patriotic program and then Mile Marker 6 a local country/rock band is performing too. It is next Thursday which actually isn't too late. I am going to ask Curtis to go with me to that. A little country music is probably madatory for celebrating the 4th even if this is on the 3rd. Usually families plan stuff on the 4th so it should be fine to invite him for the 3rd next week. I hope he can go. I have a plan!!! I can cook him something for dinner. I am a good cook but I tend to make more exotic stuff. After what Eli told me I don't want to make him any type of meat. I'm going to figure out a tasty diabetic-friendly meal.

We only get 2 tickets. I wonder how much they are charging people.

I texted Curtis to see when and where I can call him and actually it would be better if I could talk to him in person so I invited him to our FHE tonight. All the groups are doing different things. My group is meeting with group 3 at the Edwards home in Smithfield. I guess that is someone in the bishopric of the 2nd ward. I don't know Smithfield well but whatever.

I haaate this. Poor guys that have to do this all the time. BUUUT this is what I want and what I feel I'm supposed to do anyway. It feels great because I did my part. My company is sponsoring the Stadium of Fire at USU this year so I get free tickets. I can take him there but that isn't for a couple of weeks. I think I need to figure something else out.

This is weird because I'm not sure really what I want to happen here. The outdoors, animals and country music are NOT my favorites. OK, actually I dislike them each although he did attend a Lady Antebellum concert and I do like them. Of course there's only a couple of songs they perform that I am even aware of and that is mainly because I'm a huge Kris Allen fan and he loves Lady A which is how I knew they existed.

I remember when my cousin Lulu was dating some cowboy. They attended a Kenny Chesney concert together. I kept telling her REALLY???!!!

I invited Curtis and many of my other Facebook Midsingles friends to a tubing activity Saturday that they weren't included in the invite list. It sounds exactly like something he'd like AND something I AM NOT ATTENDING!!! Be in a bathing suit with my mostly UNATTRACTIVE ward members???!!! O hell NOOO!!! I know Curtis will look amazing BUT... I don't think anyone else will and I'm not subjecting myself to that.

Alma 28
6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer.

That is the most important thing, I feel like I need to do this, BUT I also feel like an idiot to do this at all.

I want to make arrangements to do something with Curtis IN PERSON...  BUUUT do I have to wait another freaking week???!!! Should I call tomorrow? When is the best time to call? Where do I call? I found his number in the ward directory. My stupid moodiness messed me up when I should've done this today. I think my best option is to call him tomorrow.

I also keep asking myself why I want to get to know someone better who I already know loves the great outdoors, animals and country music. BECAUSE - he has His image in his countenance AND the light of Christ shines in his eyes. I love his writing and I'm glad he made that last entry because it showed me he is intelligent. I love how close he is to his family and that they spend so much time together.

I like that he just bought a house AND has a steady full time job AND helps his father with his farm.

DESPITE that, I am leaving Cache Valley permanently on July 5, 2015.

So what the hell am I doing? I feel like we need to do this and I already know he is a good person.

Who do I kill IF, although we have next to nothing in common, there is some karma fluke and it works???!!!

The chapel was packed with lots of grey-haired people AND I didn't really want to go in the first place SO I LEFT. I'm going to make a chocolate cake because yes why the hell not???!!! I read my scriptures. Maybe it's that time of the month. I sure hope so and it better begin right away. I feel hormonal AND I want chocolate ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS WANT CHOCOLATE. How could they NOOOT have chocolate or rather Rocky Road today at Linger Longer???!!! AND YES, THAT UPSETS ME!!! BECAUSE THAT MAKES SOOO MUCH SENSE. WE SHOULD ALWAYS BE PSYCHOTIC ABOUT NOT HAVING CHOCOLATE. WHAT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO RECOGNIZE HOW PSYCHOTIC I'M FEELING. DON'T I GET TO ENJOY MY CRAY CRAY!!! I feel like crying and there's nothing to cry about.

 12 Get this people out of this land, that they perish not; for Satan has great hold on the hearts of the Amalekites, who do stir up the Lamanites to anger against their brethren to slay them; therefore get thee out of this land; and blessed are this people in this generation, for I will preserve them.

It is a beautiful Sunday AND the Sabbath so I'm not sure why I'm tripping today. I DID NOOOT WANT TO SEE JON TODAY AND I DIDN'T. I'm not sure why I am feeling so annoyed. He texted me to tell me one of our less-active members moved to Salt Lake. Why did that set me off? Andrew REALLY annoyed me yesterday and then Jake came to choir which got on my nerves for no reason. He hasn't done anything to warrant that. I'm just annoyed because Andrew is in my head. GRRR!!!

I felt like Jake was there just to be around me when that is NOOOT the case. Andrew's plea for me to friendship him is doing stupid things to my head. This one guy Louis is very nice. His English isn't very good. He gave a talk today. It was unorganized and painful to sit through. I thought his talk was going to go on forever and I was ready to kill him or myself. I just wanted him to stop. He just kept going on and on and on and on. I saw Curtis after sacrament meeting. He was looking great like he always does AND I should've made the effort to chat with him because he didn't do anything wrong either. I just felt like I was going to snap at someone, anyone for no reason so I avoided him.

I saw Camilla and Jared who both get on my nerves. Does Curtis ONLY attend the end of sacrament meeting. I hope he at least takes the sacrament. REALLY, is he just a Linger Longer worker and nothing else? I don't see him in Sunday school or even in the hall. YES I'm being a judge. I don't know and I think I'm just in a moody B mode ready to snap at anyone for anything no matter what it is. There were too many people for me to chat with him after choir practice finished AND he was serving ice-cream.

I don't know what my problem is. I guess I want to see him make some effort and after his initial check-out I haven't seen that at all. I think I need to go to this singles fireside tonight. I usually don't like these because of all the gray-haired attendees but I feel like I need to be touched by the spirit and I need to lose the attitude.

Andrew texted me saying it was horrible that I told him I was going to leave fellowshipping Jake up to him. He said Jake is partially handicapped and that as a ward missionary I should fellowship him. First of all Jake was with me when we had FHE and he was my partner when we filmed I want to hold your hand. I didn't notice ANYTHING. I felt like Andrew was going to accuse me next of kicking puppies and taking candy from babies.

He is a judgmental asshole. He criticizes our ward and members in general. He thinks all we're concerned with is having parties. He thinks we should do more genuine service work. He thinks that is how we show how we are Christlike. It's why I texted him when we did service at the nursing home. I knew that was something he'd like. I tried to be clear with him about why I wasn't going to fellowship Jake or really anyone anytime soon. I'm not treating him any differently than I treat any other guy in our ward. Ward missionaries work on people that don't attend, LIKE ANDREW, and nonmembers. I show Curtis attention because I WANT TO SHOW HIM EXTRA ATTENTION. I AM INTERESTED IN GETTING TO KNOW HIM BETTER. I treat Jake EXACTLY how I treat ANYONE I'm not interested in.

Parties are fine. It is ONLY through celestial marriage that we can participate in the highest priesthood ordinances. This IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ANY OF US CAN DO. We should exploit any opportunity we have to get to know other people. Parties is one way to do this. Parties can have a purpose.

I STILL have to take measures ALL THE DAMN TIME FOR STUPID MEN TO GET IT WHEN I AM NOOOT INTERESTED IN THEM!!! THIS IS WITH ME BEING CAREFUL. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF THAT SEEMS EXTREMELY PRESUMPTUOUS AND CONCEITED. I AM CONCEITED. I KNOW I'M PRETTY AND BRILLIANT AND SPIRITUAL. MEN WILL CONTINUE TO BE INTERESTED IN ME THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN. THIS IS HOW I DEAL WITH IT AND EVEN WITH THAT SOME DIE-HARDS PERSIST.

If Jon wasn't my mission leader I could ignore him completely. I look forward to his or my release from these callings so I can do that.

I'm glad I went to a party in a barn. It was fun to take pictures. BUT there was no one I even wanted to talk to and I wasn't going to make any effort at all although after meeting the host I danced to Abba's Dancing Queen and then they played Dynamite before the country music started to kill it for me. I had to get out of there when my mission leader came over and talked to me which was fine BUUUT he came up where I was dancing and joined in. NOT INTERESTED!!! When guys keep finding excuses to touch you it is annoying when you aren't into them and I AM DEFINITELY NOOOT INTERESTED IN HIM.

 I AM INTERESTED IN GETTING TO KNOW CURTIS BETTER BUUUT I STILL DON'T KNOW HIM SO TO SAY I'M INTERESTED IN HIM IS STRETCHING IT ALTHOUGH HE IS DEFINITELY THE FINEST GUY IN THIS VALLEY!!! My limited experience with him tells me he is very sweet too. I have a hard time believing he's actually in my ward but I'm glad he is. I made sure he was invited to the party tonight but looking at his pictures he does a lot of things with his family which is fantastic. I'm sure he socializes outside of that BUUUT he just joined our ward and he probably doesn't know many people either and he may not be comfortable attending a party. I don't see any pictures of him doing anything without his family.

Since he was just engaged he probably did a lot of things with his ex-fiance and that's probably why I don't see any pictures because he probably doesn't want to dwell in the past OR who knows if he's even ready to have a social life yet. Attending our ward is probably a big step for him. I wonder what happened. He was engaged as recently as last year.

That is sooo none of my business however and I am still completely on board with trying to get to know him better however that can happen. I do want to be friendly with the other Midsingles and get our missionary work popping BUUUT I don't want to have to deal with Jon. One day he is going to cross a line and mean Puanani is going to come out to play and it's going to be ugly.

I REALLY don't like country music or line dancing. That was driven home to me AGAIN tonight. That is what Curtis loves. I don't know how I'm going to reconcile that. The horses, barn and hay made me think about him.

I am so grateful I get to do this. It is so much fun. It is tiring to get up that early but the time I spend there is always worth it. I haven't done initiatories in 2 weeks and I got in there and my mind went completely blank. Once I started I was fine. It's so I can do it autopilot BUUUT I froze today and was so happy when the other sister kept prompting me.

Alma 26
11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

I like how his heart is "brim with joy" - Filled to capacity and about to overflow!!!

37 Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.

I need to get my nails done. I hope he has time tonight.

I get to run around paying bills. NOT exactly my favorite thing in the world to do BUT I don't work today so it'll be fine. I'm being lazy surfing in bed but I need to get up and get the day started. I baked some frozen pizza last night. Leftovers for breakfast in a second. I wore a sweater to bed last night again. Time for me to join the living.

I'm not sure what to wear. I want to run these errands then come home and clean my house. I love the way it feels when everything's clean. I think you can feel the spirit when everything's clean better. I don't think the spirit likes chaos. AND now I'm preaching false doctrine, well maybe not false but nothing but speculation on my part. It is what works for me anyway.

I decided to wear my lime flag shirt. My coloring does well with bright colors. That's great because I love bright colors. I think I'm going to pay my rent with this check. I'm going to do it right away.

Alma 25

The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist of things to do; rather, it lives in our hearts. The gospel “is not weight; it is wings.”⁴ It carries us. 
Wherever we find ourselves on the path of discipleship, whatever our worries and challenges may be, we are not alone. You are not forgotten. 

I've just been eating horribly the entire day. I need to return to eating well, zumba, walking and skating again.