Urban Poly Princess

Institute comes just when I need it. Being Christlike when you feel ANYTHING BUT that is difficult. This morning I got up and let it all go which means I sat there crying. I know David and Mindie don't think FHE is important. What I didn't know-o.k. yeah I DID was that they would continue the charade that they DIDN'T read ANY of my email. Maybe Mindie didn't but I KNOW David DID. When I emailed him I'd be in charge I also gave him the DVD suggestion. Funny how he got the Phantom idea BUT NOT that I agreed to be in charge of it. When he told me what he did I was so ticked I had to LEAVE conference to try to calm down. Even agreeing to be in charge doesn't mean I want to be SOLELY responsible to do EVERYTHING BUT that's EXACTLY what happened. At conference he calmed me down but he also told me Mindie liked my video idea. I had ALREADY spent money for FHE AND he still acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. I kept thinking yeah he doesn't think FHE is important that's alright maybe he'll get it one day BUT then he undermines my efforts by submitting the fhe announcement to the bullentin with the WRONG information. 

The FINAL straw was when I texted him Sunday to see if he and Mindie could handle the paper products and he ignored it completely.  That was the moment I knew I had to do EVERYTHING because even if they both knew by then that I took it on AND about the debate they STILL weren't going to help me. Mindie was very helpful once I started setting up. I was going to leave work early again yesterday BUT since I left early the week before for conference I didn't want my assistant to think I just leave early EVERY week. Why the hell should she do ANYTHING if I left. I tried to finish cutting everything at work but that didn't happen and I just didn't have enough time.

Last night I left my laptop at home so I went to get it before going to Mindie's house. For some reason I missed her big television. I was even later because I went to get my laptop at home. That could've been prevented if David had told me Mindie had a television. Wow, I'm still upset. I'm still crying too. I cry when I'm mad. Leaving from my house I was greeted by snow... A LOT OF IT.

It went alright last night. I wish more people had shown up but AT LEAST we met my goal of over 10 people. Maybe they wanted me to be in charge AND fail because they didn't think FHE could be any different.

I KNEW I was going to have to do everything myself yesterday. I just thought I could handle it. I really couldn't.

I'm glad I can go to institute tonight and be reminded of why it's worth it to try. Especially when it's difficult. Actually it really wasn't difficult. I'm used to being in charge of events on a lot bigger scale. I just didn't like the attitude I received I kept trying to include David and Mindie but except for the day they didn't want to be involved at all. David and Mindie may be my FHE leaders but EVEN without their support, there are still members of my FHE group that haven't met either of them. It is my blessing to be able to meet my other group members. The people who need FHE the most are the people who don't attend, the ones you have to find, the people who don't go to church. FHE is a way to reactivate people who might feel like they don't have any friends at church.

I feel better. Writing does that for me. It makes me realize what a drama queen I'm being and recognize how blessed I am. I am meeting with Pres. Peck on Wednesday for my recommend that'll replace the one I can't find. All of these delays make me think of how many blessings I'm going to enjoy when I FINALLY work in the temple.

Actually I enjoy many blessings right now. Last night David gave a lesson on the scripture to love your neighbor as your self. Two of our male visitors were talking about how difficult it was for them to love themselves while loving others was easier. They were discussing and developing this idea and I had to tell them I love myself and that my problem is humility and reminding myself that I'm NOT as great as I sometimes think I am. I'm glad Helene was there because she said she felt the same way. We did have this discussion before.

I wonder if this is a cultural thing. Helene loves herself. Is there something about being Polynesian that makes you happier. Probably not and I know I'm grasping at straws. Rudy is Poly and he also made the comment it's easier to love others. When I think about it I feel selfish. I ALWAYS love myself more than others. 

I'm actually all good now. I just needed to vent on here and cry a little. I don't know why David is pretending not to have read my email but I still know he's a good person and I have to believe he thought this was best for some reason ALTHOUGH that is REALLY difficult for me to imagine.