Urban Poly Princess

Do they want us to fail???!!! I am sooo annoyed!!! Justin hasn't even made a year in the church yet and they call him as a ward missionary. I was looking forward to telling him in a few months it's time for him to attend gospel doctrine. This better not be someone's attempt to set me up. Let's see Rich was my home teacher AND called as a ward missionary. So they want the ethnic people to hook up???!!!

I love Rich and I would've loved to have gone for that BUUUT besides all the damn baggage I've never been given that strong of a warning AGAINST someone. I get why. He is so perfect for me. He got married on April Fools' Day at the Manti temple. I look forward to attending his reception later on this month.

Justin is gorgeous and sweet and good. We don't mesh well intellectually and I will never be able to be myself completely with him. I looove that he's from California too. The last time I talked to him I told him to attend a ward in California the next time he's there.

Jon is our mission leader AND his doctrine SUCKS bigtime. Justin, our very newest member is also a ward missionary. Then there's Esther, very nice BUUUT semi-active and NOT an RM. Then of course there's me I've been a seminary teacher, gospel doctrine teacher several times, RS teacher many times, AND RS President and NO not secretary, ASSISTANT SECRETARY!!! I work in the temple now ONLY because I went out of my way to bring this to pass AND it took them over a year to even let me serve there.

I can't wait until that person is confronted with all the people my presence there when I wanted to do it would've been saved specifically because I was there doing the work. That's vindictive, I know that. I know the Lord will make everything right eventually. Right now I feel like if I don't over-magnify my calling not a damn thing is going to get done. Jon was the absolutely LAST person I wanted to be a mission leader. He is willing however so I know I need to lose the attitude BUUUT he also annoys the hell out of me because he is obviously infatuated with me too as is Porter STILL BUUUT I am confident neither of them will ever ask me out because they will never have the courage to do that. That's just their personalities.

I always wanted Justin to meet other people in the ward. He's never going to do that if I'm a ward missionary and he's in gospel doctrine OR if before he reaches his year mark when he can finally attend  gospel doctrine he's made a ward missionary. REALLY???!!! What the hell is everyone thinking???!!!

Of course there's inspiration, this reeks of desperation. I'm not stupid NOT EVERYONE is called specifically to a position because they are in the position the Lord knows will help them most. Hastening the work has been the focus of the past few General Conferences. WHY is this happening???!!! Maybe the Lord has his purpose. I know the Lord can make it that no matter where someone is called they can grow, thrive and enhance their position. Does that mean everyone was who our father-in-heaven wanted in this position???!!! NOT by a long shot. The ONLY reason why I was made a ward missionary is because Sister Sonasi was comfortable asking me repeatedly to take them all over the place, sometimes daily AND because I'm one of the few people that isn't afraid of missionary work and actually loves it despite all the freaking return missionaries in the ward.

It still freaks me out that Julie Johns who I once thought was completely amazing, and she is, just NOOOT the way I first thought. Oh JOY!!! I just thought of Beth Webster!!! She is a ward missionary although she wasn't listed as such online. She is incredible, an RM with what I think is the PERFECT understanding of the gospel. I am going to specifically appeal to her to help!!! I feel so much better. I know she's dating Dennis now. He teaches gospel doctrine. If she can bring him to class the Sundays he doesn't teach that would be sweet. His doctrine is MUUUCH better than Jon although I doubt it is as good as Beth's. They'll probably get married eventually so I don't know how much longer she'll be there.

It would be great to get married and leave the ward and this calling to someone else. Even if I love missionary work, I feel like they set us up to fail with our leadership. Couldn't we get at least 1 strong priesthood holder???!!! Porter's attraction was damn annoying BUUUT at least he has a sound doctrinal base. I don't get Jon. How the hell do you serve a mission for 2 years and still have no clue???!!!

So I probably need to repent. I know the first sign of apostasy is criticizing your leaders. I can love them, sustain them AND trust my father in heaven is ultimately at the helm. He will never let anything get too out-of-hand and it isn't now. I just wouldn't have chosen these people. I suppose I should feel lucky. He never would've chosen me BUUUT he doesn't consider this an important calling when I see it as one of the most important.